Glasgow Aptitude Tests
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: Three steps from reality
Age: 52
Posts: 267
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Just for a second, I thought you might mean aptitude tests for becoming a Glaswegian....
Test 1. Sing either The Sash or the Irish national anthem, without notes (most Glaswegian singing is done with few actual notes, Marty Pello excepted, the old crooner).
Test 2. Sink 8 pints of heavy. Between the 7th and 8th, stab right index finger into a stranger's chest and say, "are you callin' ma pint a poof?"
Test 3. Explain the offside rule. This test, if taken before test 2, must be repeated immediately after test 2 in addition.
Test 4. Explain why Glasgow is "miles better" than Edinburgh. Points will be deducted for a failure to become repetitive and for taking any less than 75 minutes over this test.
Test 5. Solve the "Irish problem".
Test 6. Blame the English for the "Irish problem"; extra irony points for doing so after test 1 if your song was The Sash.
Test 7. Conveniently ignore the fact that until 1960, Scotland voted for the Conservatives more consistently than any other part of the UK, while explaining why "independence in Europe" is not an oxymoron.
Test 8. Vote for Elaine C Smith without descending into fits of giggles or saying "away Rab, ya filthy b*stard!"
Test 9. Explain what, exactly, is so bloody good about Burns' poetry.
Test 10. Set up a stall on Argyll Street selling Bic lighters and sports socks of indeterminate origin, and escape from the Polis with at least 50% of your stock.
The passmark, where not otherwise noted, will be 70% for each test and at least 65% overall, with tests 2, 4 and 6 being double-weighted.
Test 1. Sing either The Sash or the Irish national anthem, without notes (most Glaswegian singing is done with few actual notes, Marty Pello excepted, the old crooner).
Test 2. Sink 8 pints of heavy. Between the 7th and 8th, stab right index finger into a stranger's chest and say, "are you callin' ma pint a poof?"
Test 3. Explain the offside rule. This test, if taken before test 2, must be repeated immediately after test 2 in addition.
Test 4. Explain why Glasgow is "miles better" than Edinburgh. Points will be deducted for a failure to become repetitive and for taking any less than 75 minutes over this test.
Test 5. Solve the "Irish problem".
Test 6. Blame the English for the "Irish problem"; extra irony points for doing so after test 1 if your song was The Sash.
Test 7. Conveniently ignore the fact that until 1960, Scotland voted for the Conservatives more consistently than any other part of the UK, while explaining why "independence in Europe" is not an oxymoron.
Test 8. Vote for Elaine C Smith without descending into fits of giggles or saying "away Rab, ya filthy b*stard!"
Test 9. Explain what, exactly, is so bloody good about Burns' poetry.
Test 10. Set up a stall on Argyll Street selling Bic lighters and sports socks of indeterminate origin, and escape from the Polis with at least 50% of your stock.
The passmark, where not otherwise noted, will be 70% for each test and at least 65% overall, with tests 2, 4 and 6 being double-weighted.
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Well, I just got my results. I failed 
I'm gutted. I will have to wait 12 months before applying again. (assuming I can still apply at the age of 29).
And with no feedback on my tests I have no way of knowing which area I need to improve in.
Ah well, Life goes on.
I'm gutted. I will have to wait 12 months before applying again. (assuming I can still apply at the age of 29).
And with no feedback on my tests I have no way of knowing which area I need to improve in.
Ah well, Life goes on.
