Cheeky answers to paxs comments!

[baboy]

This happened on my flight the other day while serving meals with another crew member.It makes my smile ever time I think of it.
I was handing out hot meals to a group of passengers and this lady asked if we had a different choice, I told her we did and she picked up her hot meal and passed it to me. In the process of her doing this she said " oh my this is very hot dear !", I kindly informed her " well thats why its called a hot meal madam". All of her group and my fellow crew were in fits of laughter.

Anyone else out there have any quirky answers to paxs comments ?

[ditzyboy]

This lady came on board and threw her bag across the last row and yelled at me:
"I can't believe it! I just can't believe it! They put me in the last row and there's no window, I just can't believe it!"

To which I replied:
"I know. I can't believe it either. And there's not even a swimming pool..."

I guess you just had to be there but it was pretty funny at the time.

Also this is from Rene Foss' book "Around the World in a Bad Mood"
A passenger was opening and closing the ash tray on the lav door trying to gain access. The pax turns to the FA and says "How do I open the toilet door?"

The helpful FA says "Turn the handle. It's just like the one on your trailer..."

That's hilarious! I wish I had the guts to say that. :D

[Departures Beckham]

Sorry for butting in, here's a couple from inside the terminal before they get to you guys.

"Is the flight late?" - "No, but the schedule is a little early".

"Where's gate 7?" - "Just below the gate 7 sign".

And now for one of my favourites.....

"Are you boarding yet" - "No, it's all my own hair!".

That's my input, I'll leave now.

[NOW GUY]

Back in the 1980s when I was working on Britannia 737-200s, a man(american), got on board, and as I was boarding the passengers he said,

"this is a rather small plane", in return I said,

"If a donkey was good enough for Jesus, then this is good enough for you"

[Xenia]

Pax: "This A/C is disgusting! I feel like a suppository getting in"
Moi :E " Sir, I can't even think what will you feel like when you will get out!" :hmm:

[OldCessna]

On the original Pan Am a famous English F/A by the name of Jayne T. was offered a baby by a woman passenger with the words "Change Baby"

Jayne T came back quick as a flash! "Yes madam, into what?"

[starbag]

A couple of ones that I seem to trot out most days -

During the meal service

PAX " Is there a choice of meals?"

ME " You can choose to eat it or leave it"

During hot towels

ME " Hot towel sir / madam?"

PAX " Oh that's hot"

ME " Hence the name 'hot towel' "

Well it keeps me amused on those god awful Banjuls!!

[Hypoxic Harry]

Pax- ( during turbulance) Are we going to crash?
Me- I hope not, I have washing on the line.

Pax- I must hold my bag for take off, it has my passport and purse in there.
Me- Thats okay, a bag snatcher cant get far, once I close the door.

Pax- Where is the rest of the plane ( Dash8)? Is this a real plane?
Me- No, its actually a kite, soon I will get off and hang onto a very very long piece of string.


A bit cheeky, but nothing a cheesy smile cant get me out of! they all have a laugh in the end. Its the way you say it, not what you say.

[Lozza2002]

Pax: Excuse me, this meal you have just served is not fit for a dog. :{:yuk:

Me: I wont be a minute Madam, I'll just go and get you one that is.

Lozza :ok:

[Psr777]

As you are clearing in, pax try to hand you everything at the same time:

Response (for the guys): Sorry, I was born with testicles not tenticles !!

When offering free newspapers and they complain you don't have what they want:
Sir/Madam, newspapers are "complimentary, NOT compulsory" with a sweet smile !

Pax: Can I just jump over your trolley?
Crew: Unless you're a gazelle, I wouldn't recommend it !

Pax: Can I squeeze past you? (with trolley in the aisle)
Crew: (look at them in disbelief, bow and say) If you think you're up for it, be my guest. Then carry one trying to work while they huff and puff past you. Other pax seem to find it highly amusing as well.

On long haul flights, you always get asked the same questions:
Pax: Oh, I suppose you go straight back now (with smug grin on face)
Crew: Oh no sir, we have about 4 nights in a 5 star deluxe hotel all inclusive, then we position as passengers on board an exclusively hired plane over to another island, where we spend another 3 nights in a hotel of the same standard, then we operate home. Illl get about 4 days off, then I have a 19 day trip to New Zealand, which is nice!!!!

Luverly !!

:ok: :ok:

[cabin secure]

Had a famous Aussie football team onboard one day.
As usual, there always has to be one in every group!

After several requests to return his tray table to it's stowage position ( at every request he obliged immediately ), however, each time I passed by it was down again.
I stood at his row and in front of his whole fellow team mates, said " Sir, you obviously don't have trouble getting it up, it's keeping it up that's the problem! "
The whole team roared with laughter.;)

[jonnys]

One I heard a while ago...

Flight to europe from the UK, and the FA is serving drinks. A rather 'posh' (i.e. mutton dressed as lamb) lady says "yes, I'd like a G+T, that's a Gin and Tonic to you dear" to which the FA replies, quick as a flash, "would you like ice and a slice?...that's frozen water and a piece of fruit to you madam!"

Beautiful!

[expedite_climb]

One from the FD for you.

A few months ago I was postioning in uniform with a different carrier. My seat was in the last few rows.

About half way down the cabin a passenger stopped me and said (half jokingly), "Arent you going the wrong way".

I paused, looked both ways and said - "Oh yes, so I am. But thats ok, I'll get two pieces of string and steer with those....":D :D :D

[ditzyboy]

One from a friemd at United

FA is walking down the aisle during turbulance and pax are trying to give her all their rubbish (cups cans bottles newspapers etc...). Her hands are full and she couldn't ppssibly carry any more let alone hold on to seats for support. Fa is obviously having difficulty walking as her hands are full and stuff is falling out of her hands.

PAX: "My cup, Miss. Take my cup" And waves it impatiently.

FA: "Well, Sir. Why don't you get a broom and stick it up my a ss and I will sweep the aisle on my way down too!"

[Heathrow09L]

Well this happend on the ground, we where boarding the Jeddah flight, which was on a remote stand, which meant all pax had to be coached to the a/craft. One lady came running back after having her boarding card pulled, and said "Oh I can't find my seat number 34A on the coach, and there is not enough seats for that long flight." Everybody just bursted out with laughter.

[Dan84]

Whilst on a flight the other day, a woman asked me what vintage was our red wine.... this being a Ryanair flight, i duly replied...

"well madam, it was loaded on the plane this morning so i presume yesterday..."

!!

[Ozi78]

This was a scene from a movie (can't remember which movie) but there was a male and female flight attendant talking in the galley and the male was talking about a conversation he had earlier with a passenger. He said:

"Sorry madam, it's not the fact that the seats have gotten smaller, it's that your arse has gotten bigger." :D :oh: :D

[VFE]

Heard a good one recounted by an old flight engineer from a US airline about a rude passenger, a captain coming up to retirement and a first officer with landing problems........

Some cravat wearing old tosser in buisness class claimed he was a private pilot licence holder so when the aircraft had done a rather harsh landing on this occasion he stormed into the cockpit demanding to know the reason when everyone was disembarking. As it goes, the first officer had done the landing and it had been quite harsh but he was a young FO so........

Cravat man: "I demand to know as a private pilot why on earth that landing was so hard! I have been flying aircraft for over 30 years and in all my time have never witnessed such a disgraceful landing!" blah blah.....

The captain whilst smoking a post-flight ciggie (yes it was back in the days when they were allowed to do things like that on the flight deck!) looked at the rude passenger, glanced at the young first officer and then looked ponderously at his ciggerette. Finally, he looks back at the rude passenger:

Captain: "Oh yeah? Well F**K YOU!!!!" :eek: :eek:

I bet those were the days......

VFE.

[Evacu8]

Had one the other day on the way back from LHR.

There was a middle-aged english woman in a group of about 10 people. When I asked her if she would prefer the beef or the fish she asked "What's the fish?"

I simply replied " Why madam, - It's an animal that lives in the sea!"

That sent her bright red, and her whole group into fits of laughter for the remainder of the sector !




And .... for the more risqué .... a good friend of mine, who could as easily be a stand-up comic as a flight attendant, used to get away with all sorts of rude remarks to pax. He is one of those flight attendants who can smile his way out of any smart remark. The pax love him.

Once on clearing, about ten pax were trying to hand their trays to him at once he simply stopped and stated

" People, people ....... I am a flight attendant, not an octopuss ..... I have eight inches - not eight arms! "

The pax didnt get it - the crew were in fits for the rest of the trip!:p

[younglad20]

Before i started flying, i remember seeing ITV's Airline programme,series one, back in 1998 i think, and it followed Britannia for the summer season and they had a f/a going through these with the camera and 2 spring to mind that still make me laugh.This one was on flight from Salzburg to Luton:

f/a- "would you like a drink with your meal madam?"

female Pax-"yes dear i'l have a peach schnapps"

f/a- " im sorry madam we dont carry peach schnapps"

female pax- " What do you mean you don't carry peach schnapps,
we just left Austria!!!!"

f/a - " Well we left Luton this morning but we dont sell
Vauxhall cars either!"

And lastly on the 767-300 from SFO to MAN:

female pax- "so you've just sold me 200 fags and now youre
telling me I cant smoke one, wheres the sense in
that?"
f/a- " they sell condoms in Boots madam, need I say
more?"

[NOW GUY]

Britannia stewardess during duty free sales:
Pax asks for Vodka Black Label.
Stewardess gets out Vodka, puts in bag, gives to pax.
Pax asks stewardess what proof it is, stewardess says it is 100% proof. Pax looks at label and says it doesn't say what proof on the label. Stewardess asks pax for his flight ticket which she then looks at and says: "It doesn't say you're a prat on this ticket but you are one"

[Departures Beckham]

Just found this on another thread (http://www.pprune.com/forums/showthread.php?s=&threadid=93340):

Boarding passenger - "Isn't this rather an old aircraft?"

Senior Cabin Crew Member - "Sir, the Titanic was brand new."

[Tomb Raider]

Got this from another site with a similar thread.....made me chuckle.
BA flight, CSD is at door during boarding, greeting the pax,when a short man comes tearing down jetty all hufty and stressed and says to CSD "I'm not happy",to which the CSD replied as quick as a flash......."So which of the seven are you then?"
That's a classic IMO.......

[younglad20]

i remember on the 767 with XLA on a flight back from RHO to LGW when my friend on the double cart with me stopped at a lady(and i use that term loosely):

f/a:"would you like a hot meal madam?"

pax:" yeh what you got?"

f/a: "theres a choice,chicken or beef"

pax: "show me the beef.....(hands meal to her)..that looks like
dog sh*t"

f/a: " well we do try to tailor our meals to suit our passengers
madam"

she then took off the brake and continued.Unfortunately the joke went way over the passengers head.:hmm:

[ditzyboy]

Two stories from the one sector last week.

Had a rude guy the other day. Gold Frequent Flyer showing off to his wife doing the whole "treat the FAs like you own the place" sort of thing. This guy upset the Purser and then me before takeoff. He kept trying to start a scene but I wasn't biting and just stood and smiled while he waffled on. It got to the stage where his wife was very embarrased and not imppresed to say the least.

We started the morning tea service and I offered him some cake and whatever else there was.

Me: "Would you care for morning tea?"

Rude Man: "I don't think I'll risk my life today."

Me: "That's a shame..."

That shut the old begger up! The pax around him laughed.

******

I was securing the cabin for takeoff and this lady had her handbag around her neck. It wasn't a small one (which I normally over look) it was the size of a small caravan.

Me: "Madam would you please place your handbag under the seat in front of you for takeoff."

Lady: "My handbag? That's pathetic!"

Me: "Yes it is - but it still needs to go under the seat in front."

[ezygalleyboy]

A few from the no-frills sector;

***

During the bar service, a pax bought a couple of bottles of wine...

f/a: That comes to £6-00 sir.

pax: That's a lot for two drinks!

f/a: Just remember you're paying for the view!

***

Making a PA;

f/a: Ladies and Gentlemen, unfortunately due to busy flights earlier in the day, we have run out of sandwiches.

[groan from some pax]

f/a: Don't worry, I said SANDWICHES not FUEL!

***

With free seating, all the pax were getting on from doors 1 and choosing the seats at the front, holding up everyone else on the jetway. So, on the PA...

"Ladies and Gentlemen, if you are just joining us, we would kindly ask you to keep moving down the cabin so the pax behind you can board. This will speed up the boarding process, helping us to achieve an on time departure this evening, and more importantly it will help the nose go up on take off!"

***

Finally, after a go around/ missed-approach and subsequent safe landing into Amsterdam...

"On behalf of us all here at *****, we do hope you enjoyed your flight, and the extra free sight-seeing tour of Holland at no extra charge!"

[Off Stand]

Hey ezygalleyboy, how's it going in crewing? Miss the flying? I am probably one of THE cheekiest pursers at my base, isn't satisfying when you do it!?!

[ukjetbloke]

Hey Guys,

Check this Thread out that i posted last Sept. It will make you smile if you haven't read it before........over 90 replies!!!

http://www.pprune.org/forums/showthread.php?s=&threadid=66251&highlight=annoying

Keep smiling - if we didn't we'd cry!!!

[GASH BAG AIRWAYS]

One i heard on the rumour pipeline........must have the balls to say it though......

Pax: This plane is so small got no room at all....even my dogs kennel is bigger

Cabin Crew: Oh sorry to hear that is your dog also a B***H

[glynn-kayes]

sorry guys heres another one from on the ground...last tues i was conversing in the middle of the terminal with a collegue from airport services when a big loud yank who was all stressed out and sweating gallons ran up to us, rudely interupting our conversation,he shouted at us in a big loud new york accent"hey you two wheres british air"to which i replied "sir,youre breathing it".he walked off with a vey red face

also a collegue at lhr a while ago. sir.the flight is indefinately delayed,
pax,well how longs indefinately
agent,i dont know its indefinately delayed
pax again,well how bloody longs indefinately
agent.sir i have two balls and neither are crystal

[tonyt]

britannia - 'when I booked this flight on the internet it said I got a meal' - steward 'I don't think it did madam' - ' no when I booked on line I was told I'd get a meal' - steward ' well www.we ain't got nun dot com'.

'for those of you wishing to partake of our movie on the wing - it's gone with the wind'

'any please thankyou tea? - anyone for any please thankyou tea?' -(has to be said in glasweigian accent).

w**k you- bye -

'i'm with him' - 'we all have a cross to bear madam'

'we're together' - 'do you want to be?'

'got any nuts?' - 'about 290 of them madam'
'do you serve nuts?' - sir we serve all our passengers'
'got any cheesy pringles?' - no they cleared up since I went to the doctors'

sometimes I wonder how we get away with it ... answers on a post card please....

[gtadxb]

On one of my flights, a pax comes up to me and asks "when is this dustbin of an aeroplane going to take off then ?" to which I very politely answered (with my most gorgeous sincere smile): "Well, when it's full sir..."

And to another pax who was complaining about the size of the aircraft (a BAe 146 by the way)... "It's like most small things, sir, if you treat it with care and don't rub it up the wrong way, it grows in size !"

:O

[despatch]

I was on a flight operating from Freetown(Sierra Leone) and about 3 hours during the flight me and my fellow crew members sat at the back seats of the B757.I was listening to music when the lady(who is african) ask me where the toilets was.I said its just at the begining of this cabin on the side and pointed at the toilets at L3R3.When i looked up again I saw the lady tried to open L3.I flew over my collegue and ran to her and couldnot hold it back and yelled to her:"Are u F%*&crazy"Wich she replied she cant get the toilet door open.I told her that that door was an armed aircraft door and not the toilet door..........I still laugh about it when it cross my mind but on that day it scared the life out of me cause i didnot knew that a door cant be open during flight

[christep]

Despatch,

Would you mind telling us which airline you fly with? I'm curious to know which one has cabin crew who don't know how the doors woirk.

[PacificOrigin]

A couple more from the ground:


"What do you mean its delayed, its only fog, I have a meeting to get to!" Im so sorry sir, I didnt realise you were flying for a particular reason today - let me get my hairdryer and blow the fog off the runway.

"Do you not realise who I am, I demand an upgrade" Oh sir, Im sorry - now unfortunately we dont offer business class on this service, however i have the seat JUST for you right up the front - 2A. (I just wish I was onboard to see when he finds that 2A has NO legroom, NO window, NO tray table, the most uncomfortable airbag built into the seatbelt, and a padded headbuffer on the side of the galley - anyone fimiliar with the JetStream 41's will understand)

"I'm not paying that, they didnt charge me for excess baggage on the way down" NO?? Well how about I charge you for THAT sector also - no?? ok then, well you either pay for your excess, or I will offload YOU as well as your bags.

All of course said with the airline smile that we were all employed for!

[matt24nw]

When an arrogant gentleman clicked his fingers at a colleague of mine the reply had me in stitches - "It takes more than two fingers to make me come, sir."

[Thomas_Cook_757-300]

Hi,
I read about a TWA flight from New York JFK to Lisbon where a Flight Attendant was serving the meals and she woke a passenger up to see if he wanted one:

FA - "Would you like a meal"

Passenger - "No, I don't feel like one"

FA - "Sorry, mind reading isn't in my job discription"

Thanks

Thomas_Cook_757-300

[How's it Hanging]

Have some friends that used to fly for Ansett.
One day it was pretty busy and footy team on board wanting beers, trying to show off and chat up the girls. One guy trying to get another drink in the middle of dinner service sticks his hand up and starts clicking his fingers. One of the girls, who shall remain nameless, turns around and in quite a loud voice says " it will take more than you clicking your fingers to make me come!". He copped a fair bit of flack from the rest of the plane after the laughter subsided. :D

[timzsta]

A rare busy afternoon on Buzz check in one day last year.
A businessmen checks in just before check in closure. One of our attractive young female members of staff hands him is boarding card and says "you need to go straight to gate 34, boarding time 1535".
"But its already 1545" replies the businessman.
"Better walk backwards then" replied the check in agent.
(Had us in stitches for a bit).

I remember a french fellah and his chinese girlfriend trying to check in for CDG one night. Had nearly 50 kgs between them, so I had to charge some excess. He spoke no english, she did. She went off on one, screaming blue murder, f'ing this f'ing that, they didn't charge us on Eurostar etc etc. I noticed it was just a few minutes from check in closure so I keep the argument going....
Low and behold we closed check in without the rude young b***c having been checked in so she had to pay not only for excess baggage, but a change of flight fee as well.

[answer=42]

timzsta
Ok they were rude.
But wasn't it a bit mean to charge them excess when they had less than 25Kg per person?
If they had smiled nicely, what would have been your reaction?
I must admit that I've got away with heavier stuff.

answer=42

[Trolleydolley]

I was on a flight many years agao with an airline called Air Europe (Now if that was an airline to have fun with and get away with murder I don't know!!) Anyway, I actually witnessed this freind of mine say this to a passenger. The passenger was pissing him about with asking for drinks and then when my freind would bring it out to him he would change his mind. Eventually my freind bent down and whispered into the passenges ear, could you do me a favour - which the passenger looked a bit bemused and replied sure - freind replied could you just stick your tongue in my ear - passenger said why!! - freind replied because i like a bit of foreplay before i get f...ed about!! made the passenger laugh anyway.:eek:

[Leezyjet]

Once was sat next to a girl on check-in while she was checking in this real bitch of a woman who was being rude and difficult.

When the girl asked her how many bags she would be checking in, the woman replied " 2, can't you count ?", my colleauge then quick as a flash replied "and will you also be checking your broomstick in too madam ?"

I was creased up under the desk for ages afterwards !!.

I was once boarding a flight at LBA, when Gabby Yorath comes walking down the stairs. I pulled her boarding pass and she then points to the plane and says "Is that my plane ?" - I replied "No it's ours actually". She walked off chuckling away to herself.

:)