Best and worst orders I have known

[kintyred]

Go on then, let’s hear them. Verbal or written. Humorous or infuriating. From flying order books or heat-of-the-moment one-liners.

[SASless]

Ops Briefing by the Special Agent in Charge of my Office in Subic Bay the Philippines

"Special Agent Sasless is tasked to perform an Undercover Drug Operation, posing as an drunken Enlisted Seaman on shore leave, and shall conduct a surveillance inside Marilyn's II Bar and Massage Parlor in Lower Kalaklan, Olongapo RP.

Such places were known by WestPac Sailors as" Steam Job and Blow Bath Parlors".

I was tasked to confirm reports of illicit drug dealing inside the establishment and to attempt to purchase illegal drugs and identify the seller and attempt to make further purchases in larger quantities as possible.

S/A Sasless, for the record protested he did not have any desire to perform that assignment.

The S/A In Charge said....."You shall do as you have been told!".

S/A Sasless, bowed his head in surrender and proceeded to do his Duty for God and Country.

Lordy....if the US Taxpayers knew what their money was spent on!

As that covert operation involved special techniques and procedures....I am not allowed to provide any details of what those were.

I am not making this up......it was a hard task...but I did my best to rise to the occasion and after a week....we conducted a drug raid and scored a few ounces of Pot.

The sacrifices one makes for his Country.

[WB627]

SASLess you are Agent Gibbs and I claim my $5 :eek:

[SASless]

Mark Harmon plays me.....but he is not nearly as handsome!:ok:

[Cornish Jack]

'Draught Guiness" (one of the series late 50s, early 60s, early, possibly first, 38 Group) - Bev formation line astern, 15 seconds separation.
Scatter plan ... Lead turn port 180, No. 2 turn starboard 180 ...etc., etc.
Scatter was called and the flat cloud top was populated by steeply climbing Bevs on random headings !
The subsequent r t b was based on B & Q principles !! :ugh:

[meleagertoo]

Best, (Nav training via a place in France noted for it's gastronomy and wines, on a beautiful blue-sky morning),"Bloggs, I want you to find their comcen and send a signal to (home base) saying we're grounded due weather and won't be back today".

I did.


Worst. "Boss, you warned us we're likely to get ramp checked there. If they do they'll pull my licence!"
"I'll take full responsibility if that happens. Now GO!"
"Boss, it's my licence on the line, not yours".
"Just go, or..."

I didn't.

[Wetstart Dryrun]

Best order... Stack
Worst order... a mushroom bajhi side, from the Mumtaz in Peterborough

[Paying Guest]

Best order: summer of 1976 at Boscombe where we were flying a Gazelle rad alt evaluation trial:

"Surely you can find the right sort of hot dry sand in this country this year. Paying Guest, I want you to take your aircraft and see if you can find some. If in a month's time you haven't been able to, I'll sign this authorisation for you to take the team to Marignane"......

[MPN11]

I can recall a very succinct "Get Out" ... does that count?

[Mogwi]

9th May 1982,

“Red leader, from Command - engage!”

I did.

Mog

[dagenham]

Best order - Dagenham here is a chit go and get ten crates of tiger from the naafi. That should last a couple of days in the longhouse

worst order - Dagenham leave them on the floor they will be fine while we find river squadron

thank god for Chinese jungle stores

[diginagain]

"Jump in that Lynx and whizz it up over to the training area. We're short of anyone to go with you right now, but as you're just back from conversion you'll know how to handle anything that might go wrong." 0.2 Solo Lynx, verbal auth from CO.

[Big Pistons Forever]

Best order: LCdr BPF is appointed in command of HMCS...

Worst order: A phone call from some HQ staff weinie.

Him : You are to inform Leading Seaman Bloggins that he will not be receiving his Queens Jubilee medal as was promulgated in the last message and is not to wear the ribbon.

Me: What on earth is going on !

Him: A mistake was made and not enough medals were ordered so the list of recipients has been revised. Your LS didn't make the cut on the new list

Me: But he has already been informed that he will be receiving the medal !

Him. You have your orders...

[Firestreak]

RAF Germany GASOS, “ Jaguars are not to be referred to as Pussey Cats on the radio “

[Haraka]

"Please, note that. following several complaints, in future, ;Pongoes will be referrred to as Army Officers".........

[MPN11]

From our Air Cdre at MoD/NATS on a Friday morning tour of the offices ...

"To the Opera Tavern at lunchtime ... bring your briefcases".

One mate stayed behind to buy some kit from underspend, but turned up later.

[SASless]

Fort Rucker, Alabama, home of Army Aviation.... Chinook Conversion Course....Four days of Mountain training in the hills of Alabama at Fort McClellan home to the Army Chemical Corps and Women's Army Corps (WAC) Training Center.

Married Guys hated it....and worked a deal with the Conversion Course Commander....the married Instructors would swap Students with the Single Instructors and no longer have to leave their conjugal beds.

Getting ordered to perform Mountain Training was really Good news.

The bad news was getting a month of mountain training as the pace of life while on detachment could become a health issue if you weakened.

Fort Rucker had about 20,000 Young Men.....and Fort McClellan had abut 7,000 young Women.....even a blind Hog could find an Acorn at Fort Mac!

[sycamore]

Paying Guest..XX434...Pizzas,rosay,and lo-level along the `fried-egg` beaches....

[NutLoose]

Best order - Dagenham here is a chit go and get ten crates of tiger from the naafi. That should last a couple of days in the longhouse

worst order - Dagenham leave them on the floor they will be fine while we find river squadron

thank god for Chinese jungle stores

The Portuguese were making a Jag model for the Sqn but hadn’t got any paint, Grolsch bottles were settled on to put it in, one of the guys was given the keys and ordered to go get a number of bottles from the beer store. Naturally they were all full so he had to….eeerrm empty them, several minutes later he returned with a twinkle in his eye, suitably refreshed and sporting half a dozen empties..

[Ascend Charlie]

On a mizzuble wet low-cloud Friday, the Flight Commander declared a Flight Safety Meeting to be held at a pub in the Perth suburbs. We attended in civvies, and found, to our profound surprise, that there were ladies there who would dance and their clothes would fall off. This meeting was declared a massive success, and became a fixture if the weather looked a bit doubtful on Fridays.

Some months later, the local council declared that such ladies could not do this dance because little kiddies might look into the bar and see things that would affect them for life - "strip shows are banned." Hmmm, thinks the proprietor, and changes the dance so that the ladies come out naked and slowly put their clothes on.

[Old-Duffer]

RAF Stanbridge circa 1989 - junior officer rewriting Station Standing Orders.

....... female personnel in custody are to follow the same routine as male personnel, except that they need not shave.

(sometime later, said JO had to be rescued after wandering into a minefield in the Falklands)

Old Duffer

[serf]

Brief for solo on chipmunk…ok serf, just find a hole in the cloud and climb to 5,000 for your solo aeros.

[Marly Lite]

Marly, take that Puma to Denmark, do all the tasking the Yaeger Corps has for you and don’t come back for a week.

[Paying Guest]

Paying Guest..XX434...Pizzas,rosay,and lo-level along the `fried-egg` beaches....

Sycamore - you've got it! A blissful summer as I recall!

[beardy]

At that dining in night, from the PMC: Gentlemen, catch that pig.

[BEagle]

beardy, surely you mean the 'pink rabbit'??

Hilarious that Ba$tard Bill tried to stop the story getting out!!

[MPN11]

Possibly my worst ... my Desk officer telling me I'm going to be posted to Lossie just as the OH was posted to Bracknell. 450 nm as the crow flies? The conversation was less than friendly, with me assuring him that my PVR could hit the system faster than his posting instruction!

Happily, an ATC contributor here picked up acting rank and took the job, and I remained South and collocated! Thanks again, Hugh!

[gums]

Salute!

I shall try to keep this short, but was about worst orders I ever got.

So we had quit the N. Viet thing early 73 and our POW's were coming home, many of my friends. But HHQ decided to bomb Khmer commies and our unit flew from Korat and hit "enemy" covoys that carried ammo to use against "friendly" forces. We didn't have U.S. ground units there officially and I wasn't sure about who was in charge of the "country". Nevertheless, we had our orders,

So on patrol our tactical control tells us to contact so-an-so FAC, which we did. I was flight lead that day. There was a small convoy moving ammo along a no nothing road and we were gonna destroy it. OK. Get our briefing from the FAC and then he tells us the bad guys are booking to a close grove of trees we could easily see. He then says that civilian labor was chained to the carts and wagons and such, but the enemy had booked to the grove of trees.

He tells HQ the situation and they say to hit the convoy. He repeats that the bad guys are in the trees about 200 meters or so from the road, and there are only innocent folks tied to the carts and wagons. HHQ says "no matter, hit the convory vehicles". The ROE dictated we couldn't hit further than "x" meters of a road. FAC says, "but, but, but....then tells Blue Chip he is marking the target for us with his willie pete.

About 15 seconds later a puff of smoke rises from the grove of trees where the enemy had hunkered down. "Hit the smoke". Heh heh heh. Guess we were following orders, and our SLUF's dropped about 16 Mk-82's on that grove,leaving only splinters.

Question is? Did we follow orders?

Gums sends...

[Runaway Gun]

Ordered to land at the beginning of my night flying currency training.
OC OPS “We’re trying to minimise noise complaints- why were you flying at 9pm?”
ME “Night Flying requirements”
OC OPS “Does that have to be flown at night?”

[SASless]

Gums,

You followed orders to the letter....doctrine said you hit the marked target and no inniocents got hurt.

One of my "Bad Orders" received was an occasion I was told to turn my Door Gunners loose on anyone outside the perimeter of a hilltop radio relay site.

I confirmed the Order by obtaining the Initials of the Officer issuing the Order.

We flew circles around the perimeter working our way down the mountain with each revolution....and the only people we saw were Buddhist Monks in their Robes and a Pagoda type building with a wooden water line running to it.

I reported that to the TOC that was issuing the Orders....and they repeated that it was an official Free Fire Zone and that there had been some Recon Troops surveilling the Hilltop Defensive Positions that morning,

They confirmed the "Light Them Up Order" and I acknowledged that.....and we fired up a few thousand rounds of 7.62 on a rather large Boulder about Five Hundred Meters down the mountain from the Pagoda.

My Gunners got to shoot....throw smoke grenades....and generally have a good time.

I reported I could not confirm any Enemy Casualties....the TOC was happy....I was happy...the Crew were happy....and the military aged male indigenous persons wearing the Robes were happy.

The Gunner got the dirty end of the stick....he had to clean three M-60's....as we had a Ramp Gun that day plus the standard side door guns.

[Fatjoff]

Harrier forward det to Tromso, Norway way up above the Arctic circle, Feb 1986. Snow blizzards. Harriers back home waiting for a decent forecast before setting off.

Det cdr to me: get out there and put out the dayglo markers for the vertical landing pad.
Me: But it's a raging blizzaed out there. We'll lose the markers before the jets get here.
Him: Me sqn ldr, you fg off. Do it.

So out I went into the blizzard, doing my best Titus Oates impression, in a temperature of -30C (with wind chill) and laid out the markers. Half an hour after completing my task, the jets cancelled and we all traipsed off into town on the pop. Next morning, same again - almost.

Him; Put the markers out.
Me: I already did, yesterday.
Him: I can't see them.
Me: Neither can I. I think they're buried under the snow.
Him: Go and dig them out.

So I went out with a shovel, and after a lot of guessing and digging I managed to retrieve the markers, all bar one set, which I didn't find until the snow melted over a fortnight later.

You know what they say: if you can't take a joke......

[NutLoose]

Pilot.
Set up the OP over there..
But Sir, it really needs to be out there, you can't see anything from there.
I know what I am talking about, I have a degree in Geography! ( I kid you not )

Following day and visit from senior Rock Ape.
Which firking idiot set up the OP over there, it needs to be out over there...
All fingers point and our geography genius slinks away.

[langleybaston]

Gutersloh SRO c. 1970 [rather a long and rambling and complicated one.

"The personnel to whom these orders apply are to blah blah blah ......"

Thus a large number of personnel [including we civvies] spent an earnest 10 minutes trying to see if we were affected, to no avail.

The official follow-up was succinct and grumpy, and clearly a bollocking had been administered.

And it turned out to have nothing to do with we Met. folk.
anyway.

The other was priceless and surely deliberate: the temporary telephone directory for Finningley B o B included an officer "i/c Temporary Erections"

[Fly3]

"Splice the Mainbrace" was always well received.

[MPN11]

Badly worded Orders … Officers Mess Rules …
”members are not to entertain members of the opposite sex in single quarters unless a separate sitting room is provided” …
Yay, I have a separate sitting room. Nothing specifies WHICH room shall be used for ‘entertaining’.

[BEagle]

During a Taceval at RAF Scampton "Attention, attention! There will be a briefing for all crews in the Main Briefing Room at 10:00 hours".

The Ground Defence Commander, being a bit brighter, realised that this would be a very tempting target for the intruders who had been expected to infiltrate the station. A Word was obviously said, because a further tannoy message followed....

"Attention, attention. Ignore the last message; the briefing will now be 10 minutes later!"

[SASless]

Heard over the 1MC (All Compartments Intercom system) aboard an American Gray Funnel Line Ship....

"All Hands, All Hands...Hear this! Give the Ship a clean sweep, fore and aft, collect all rubbish and deposit it in the **** Cans provided!".

About one minute later heard over the 1MC...."Hear this, hear this! Belay my last about the **** Cans!".

I happened to be sitting in the XO's Stateroom enjoying a Cup of Coffee when that happened.

He was not amused.


That was an interesting cruise from the Philippines to Hong Kong as I was conducting an Undercover Drug Interdiction Operation that had started in the Philippines and led us to some crew members running a lucrative side business.

[NutLoose]

Bruggen standing orders.

Alcohol is permitted in the blocks only for immediate consumption

Define immediate consumption,
I watched one guy in our block consume over half a crate of Grolsh when challenged, it took him a while and he was well and truly pissed by the end of it, but consume it he did.

[MENELAUS]

Hardly high nor low. However Lurked for understudy OOD at Osprey for 3 weeks after a rather unfortunate incident with a smoke grenade.
However, there was one high point. Called with the duty DLC ( an SD survo whose survival lectures were legend) to attend a food fight in the junior rates mess. As one OD was lobbing a banana into the fray, “you, stop that. Do you think that stuff grows on trees !”

[langleybaston]

Non-military but a classic:

Our famously irate deputy head was supervising main hall being turned into a boxing arena, with VI th form providing labour [it beat
double maths].

"STOP!. There are lots of chairs there that weren't there when I put them there!"

Thank God his sense of humour survived the laughter. [He was the official wielder of the cane: rumoured to be chalked so that all six landed in same small area]

[Imagegear]

Belize, Guatemalans attacking, defense in depth prescribed by Snotty.

Snotty", "hand out the mags", things getting seriously tense, when the RAF hands out mags with real ammo to Radar Techs, to load by the box, it's a puckering moment.
Snotty disappears for 30 mins and returns with 2nd Battalion , Grenadiers, "Roger"

Snotty - "I say chaps - Roger will assess our defensive strategy, blah, wires, Bren, pits, blah, covering fire, sight lines, blah"

"Roger" - "Right lads, if you see, smell or hear anything, dump the kit and weapons and run like hell back up the track to the camp". Be careful, we have all lines covered so use the noddle and ident first time, Got it? - Right I'm off"

Cue Snotty, depressed, miserable and very, very, sad.

[MightyGem]

Hmmm, thinks the proprietor, and changes the dance so that the ladies come out naked and slowly put their clothes on.
I seem to recall that happening at Shawbury when the Station Commander banned the usual stripper at QHI Course grad dinners. :E

[Uplinker]

"As soon as the ferry docks, we'll do scout's pace along the pier, scorch up the hill, sink a couple of pints of Gales and be back in time for the last ferry home".

Phil Sparks, Television outside broadcast engineer. RIP, organising a quick drinking visit to Cowes.

[cynicalint]

Worst:-(Nov 1990) fly to within 28 miles of the Kuwait harbour, at 100 feet, climb to 250 feet, shine your radar into the harbour and see what reaction you get.,
Best,:April 1981. You are to attend the wings presentation ceremony at 10:00hrs next Wednesday..

[PlasticCabDriver]

During a Taceval at RAF Scampton "Attention, attention! There will be a briefing for all crews in the Main Briefing Room at 10:00 hours".

The Ground Defence Commander, being a bit brighter, realised that this would be a very tempting target for the intruders who had been expected to infiltrate the station. A Word was obviously said, because a further tannoy message followed....

"Attention, attention. Ignore the last message; the briefing will now be 10 minutes later!"

The SH site at Basra airport, about 2004.

“In the event of a suspected intruder on the site, all personnel to assemble at the mess tent in order to more easily identify unauthorised persons. “

“So as any suspected intruder has a good chance of being a suicide bomber, you want everyone to congregate in the same place, in an unprotected tent?”

Er yes, good point..

[Ninthace]

Worst. Despite representations, being ordered to parade my squadron every day at 07:00 for a fortnight for something that they were innocent of.
Best. Being sent to RAFG for a second tour when most of my kind were lucky to get one.

[teeteringhead]

Remember a GASO once that said:

”Aircrew are to drink moderately within 24 hours of flying.”

Shame if you didn’t want to drink anything ……..

[beardy]

Remember a GASO once that said:

”Aircrew are to drink moderately within 24 hours of flying.”

Shame if you didn’t want to drink anything ……..
The equivalent in the French Air Force, when I was on exchange, was that one couldn't drink alcohol with lunch if there was a chance of one flying in the afternoon. To remove that possibility and make it definite, we were all on the flying programme.

[NutLoose]

You there, why are you wearing a combat jacket, haven't you read Station Standing Orders, combat jackets are only to be worn when on exercise.
I am on exercise....
Ahh, well... get your hair cut and be in my office at 3.00PM (SWO RAF Wildenrath)
Yes Sir says I.
Carries on with my bimble from the NAAFI shop back up to our Puma being refuelled.
Climbs aboard and departs back to RAF Odiham.
I do wonder if he is still waiting.

[Crromwellman]

"Please, note that. following several complaints, in future, ;Pongoes will be referrred to as Army Officers".........
Haraka. Malta 1965. RAF complains about being called Crabs. Response from other two services was enlightening: Army: Letter from HQ Malta and Libya stating "the practice of referring to the Royal Air Force as Crabs is to cease immediately. The Royal Navy sent a Navy-wide signal that stated "In future Crabs are to be called the Royal Air Force." The Navy always had a knack of composing succint signals.

[Willard Whyte]

Badly worded Orders … Officers Mess Rules …
”members are not to entertain members of the opposite sex in single quarters unless a separate sitting room is provided” …
Yay, I have a separate sitting room. Nothing specifies WHICH room shall be used for ‘entertaining’.

Put a small chair in a wardrobe and call it a sitting room...

[NutLoose]

Put a small chair in a wardrobe and call it a sitting room...

You don't want to do that, Langleybaston's ex boss might be having a shag on top of it.

[langleybaston]

The mods removed that anecdote, but the song lives on!

[MPN11]

Put a small chair in a wardrobe and call it a sitting room...
A valid thought, but perhaps less comfortable than a privately purchased double bed. 😎

[langleybaston]

Two single beds. One for then, one for after

[Big Pistons Forever]

Verbal daily order from the Admirals Chief of Staff.

All right gentlemen, the priority of the Admiral’s number 1 priorities are as follows….

He went on to list 9 Number 1 priorities in order of priority 🙄

Best order.

Friday 14:00 on the last day of my demolition course. Gents we still have 15 kg of plastic explosives left and the bus arrives in 30 minutes. We are NOT taking any home !

I can honestly say I have felt the earth move ….

[blind pew]

Civil? But stupid
Mid 80s and I was doing my first West African rotation having been checked out several months before on the DC10. I had flown long range on the VC10.
Check in and it was going to be using surnames..but I mentioned to the captain I hadn’t flown to Douala and Kinshasa before (although I had been into our audio/visual lab and gened up on it).
During cruise we had a visit from a Lufthansa crew who were operating their first service north bound and would appreciate watching our approaches.
‘That triggered Mr big bollox..I’m training my first officer so you are welcome..not true.
Come the briefing he went into full swing, at the time the FO had to make the radio altimeter call outs..approaching minimum, minimum, 100, 50 40 30…
https://cimg7.ibsrv.net/gimg/pprune.org-vbulletin/479x441/6d2a5a51_3ba6_49c9_a6d2_9045d9f9a039_09ea25aab6f4a10f4320163 b88ed28738ac24fdf.jpegB
But sir wanted in addition 20 10 5 and 2..the latter a fag paper width..the gauge is around 3 inches in diameter.
What sir didn’t brief is the quarry which finished close to the threshold…I said nothing and thought this is going to be interesting.
We weren’t allowed to fly without control wheel steering because of the number of heavy landings.
So the altimeter reading came down…went up as we overflew the quarry and then shot down at an incredible rate to fast to call.
He yanked the stick back but realising he was going to compound the heavy landing stuck it in the middle and we arrived.
In Kinshasa the FE requested a room in the hotel rather than our crew bungalows and we didn’t see him for a week..obviously knew the captain.
I was the only crew member who had to use surnames for the week and was virtually ignored although he told one of the girls about his bad treatment in a Zurich hospital being bed ridden with both arms broken as well as a leg or two. He had lunch served but no one to feed him and after an hour a nurse admonished him for not eating it.
A few months later I flew with the big chief who had had a lucky escape as Sir wanted to have backing and use Swissair for his hang gliding club. Fortunately for the company Sir flew off a mountain on the day of his village fete, misjudged his approach, hit the statue in the middle of the square and broke his arms and leg(s).

[Haraka]

A light comedy on training. . During a night navex ground exercise under the Rocks, the final RV was a bus parked by a corn field. Those of us who made it in good time {about 2 a.m.)were of course ordered to sit on the bus and wait..
"Everybody on the bus!!!"

After a couple of hours waiting for the laggards, the Rock in charge lost his cool and fired a flare up as a marker..
Which then promptly set the corn field on fire upon landing...........

""Everybody off the bus!!!!!!!!""

[diginagain]

"Put that bunch of portaloos in a row over there."
"Now?"
"Yes, now."
"Not after the last helicopter has arrived for the static park?"
"No. Now."
"It's a Sea King."
"Now."
"OK"

[Cornish Jack]

The equivalent in the French Air Force, when I was on exchange, was that one couldn't drink alcohol with lunch if there was a chance of one flying in the afternoon. To remove that possibility and make it definite, we were all on the flying programme.
Somewhat different 'rules' for detachments !
We took 3 Whirlwinds to Chambery to do mountain flying French style. 3 days of "3' on the left, 10,000 on the right" ops and very lively evenings/nights !
Our in-flight 'ration' boxes for the r t b were delicious French ham filled batons and (per person !) a bottle of rough red !

[NutLoose]

Push...

Bunch of aircrew trying to bumpstart a diesel dumper truck in the middle of a waterlogged and extremely muddy quarry.

[Null Orifice]

A newly qualified Engineering Officer decided to take over (from me!)and personally direct the marshalling and parking of visiting aircraft during an open day at a former west Wiltshire transport base. He instructed the marshaller to turn a taxying Canberra in the opposite direction to that used for previous arrivals. The resultant turn caused its engine efflux to pick up a step ladder, used to allow the pilot of a visiting Hunter to vacate his aircraft, and threw it gently against the test flight pitot tube and bent it away from its usual forward direction. Once the dust and debris had settled the aforementioned pilot carefully placed the pitot head cover on the damaged item and then politely asked if he could use our phone to call his base located in the south of the county to explain what had occurred.:ooh:

[Saint Jack]

Staying with Engineering Officers; RAF Leeming, circa 1968, Jet Provost 3’s and 4’s. I had just towed an aircraft from the maintenance hangar to a storage hangar and the route took me past the Engineering Officers office window. I get back to the maintenance hangar and a few minutes later I get called into the Chiefy’s (Chief Technician) office, He tells me to go back to the storage hangar and check the L/H main wheel tyre. “Why” I ask, Chiefy tells me, with a perfectly straight face, that he received a call from the Engineering Officer telling him that the L/H main wheel was not rotating as the aircraft was towed past his window. I was incredulous, nevertheless off I went, looked at the tyre, which of course was perfectly OK, went back and told Chiefy. Lots of knowing grins all around.

[FullOppositeRudder]

The best: An August afternoon in 1966:

Instructor to student under instruction (me): "This time I want you fly a standard 'by the book' circuit!"

Student (somewhat puzzled): "Okay ..." (thinking "not sure I understand?...")

Instructor: "I won't be coming with you - you'll be fine. Enjoy the experience!"

I did. I've never forgotten it - even after all this time.

[Haraka]

" I want you to fly another cicuit just like that one , then come and collect me from the runway caravan."

[Four Turbo]

At one stage there were two one-eyed pilots at Lyneham. One had a left eye; the other a right. They managed to organise a trip together (without a problem). This swiftly lead to a new Flying Order: ' The Captain and Co-pilot are required to have three eyes between them'

[Null Orifice]

At one stage there were two one-eyed pilots at Lyneham. One had a left eye; the other a right. They managed to organise a trip together (without a problem). This swiftly lead to a new Flying Order: ' The Captain and Co-pilot are required to have three eyes between them'
Would that be the well-known and respected, three-eyed flight engineer?:)

[Sideshow Bob]

Worst on arrival at PSAB in March 2003 for Op TELIC: Gents, we've done the assessment and we'd be happy to lose 1 aircraft and 1 crew if necessary (I kid you not)
Best, on arrival back at Kinloss following said Op TELIC: Gents, here are the keys for the Sqn minibus, go have a crew training week somewhere, see you in a week (p.s. we blow the engine of the minibus on the M62!)

[NutLoose]

Hammering down the German autobahn as fast as the poor old minibus would go.
Off to Gutersloh to do an engine change on a Jag, three of us in the van, a Sgt fast asleep, a Corporal driving, and me... coming upon an RAF car pootling along in the slow lane, Cpl says" look another RAF car, I'd better slow down", "Naa, it'll just be some MT SAC out for a run" says I, warp speed resumes.

We get lost, but finally arrive at Gut and go to to the guardroom to book in. "Ahhh we have been expecting you, who is in charge?", we both point at the Sgt by now awake and sitting in the minibus, "he is".

"Good, can you tell him to to please come to the window, O/C whatever would like to have a word with him regards his driving" we retire to the van while O/C whatever arrives in his service car and gives him the bollocking of his life.

"Cheers", he says as he get back in the old bus.

[ICATQ]

Trade desk at PMA- “Listen ICATQ, you can only take this posting to Akrotiri if you go on promotion. Your choice…..”

[SASless]

Six week long Field Training Exercise....objective.....can a National Guard Mech Infantry Division drawn from three States be combat ready within six weeks of activation for combat duty.

Me...in a Kiowa flying the Big Boss around....Two Star General....done so for two years.....my Cap stashed in my flight suit leg pocket departs for some unknown location via the cockpit door.

Darn I sez....GenGe asks what happened....and when told said for me to go to the Post Exchange by the Helipad and buy a replacement.

At the doorway to the PX....stands a regular Army Military Policemen (MP)....who sez....no hat...no entry allowed.

Explanation to MP....no change..."My Captain said all customers must be in full uniform....no hat ...no enter.

When said MP radioed his Unit Commander and explained the situation....he was told the "My Order stands....do not let him into the PX!".

GenGen returning to the aircraft observes CW2 Sasless standing Bare Headed and asks for an explanation which was offered, considered, and we (the Boss and I) returned to the PX.

The MP confirmed my account and the Boss asked for the nice young man to request his Captain present himself....who then turned up.

GenGen confirmed the Captain's Orders then issued one to me....Enter..buy...return forthwith and with all due haste....then a pause....then told don't hurry the Captain and I need a few. minutes.

I left....bought the hat and rank insignia...and returned....the Captain was still at "Attention" and the Boss was still talking and the Captain was listening....and a young MP was dissecting an interesting description of the Captains few attributes as assessed by the Two Star.

In the US Army you must have a hat in order to buy a hat unless you have a Two Star that will provide a longish dissertation on commonsense and the notion that Generals outrank Captains who are dumber than a wedge.

Bad order...being told by a Two Star to go buy a hat......Good Order....being told that a second time by the Two Star in front of an arrogant MP Captain.

[PlasticCabDriver]

Trade desk at PMA- “Listen ICATQ, you can only take this posting to Akrotiri if you go on promotion. Your choice…..”

Rotary mate gets FJ crossover and gets picked up for promotion at the same time.

PMA: “We advise you turn down your promotion, get a tour in as a Flt Lt on FJ, then go for promotion again when you are more established “
RWM: “Didn’t realise it was an either/or situation”
PMA: “It’s not, just what we advise”
RWM: “So I can go FJ, get my first tour in as a gash shag Sqn Ldr with no other responsibilities? I’ll take both please”
PMA: “No, that’s not what we……bugger”

[charliegolf]

Rotary mate gets FJ crossover and gets picked up for promotion at the same time.



Ex 230 and sadly RIP?

CG

[Ninthace]

Desk: We want to make you a Sqn Ldr and send you to Cosford
Ninthace: I'd rather be Flt Lt in Germany
Desk: We will not make this offer twice
Ninthace: Understood sir, when do I go?

[Willard Whyte]

At one stage there were two one-eyed pilots at Lyneham. One had a left eye; the other a right. They managed to organise a trip together (without a problem). This swiftly lead to a new Flying Order: ' The Captain and Co-pilot are required to have three eyes between them'

Indeed, remember it well. Not order-related but there was also a pilot who had to switch between his reading glasses and distance glasses when DA was reached on an ILS.

[Willard Whyte]

A valid thought, but perhaps less comfortable than a privately purchased double bed. 😎

I was thinking more along the lines of converting every mess bedroom into ones with a sitting room and then 'entertaining elsewhere'.

[langleybaston]

Warning: Synoptic Charts story.

Brand-new baby forecaster LB at brand-new important office Gatwick Airport c. 1960.

At which facility face-to-face was normal pre-flight briefing, done using the chart over the counter by the junior forecaster. Thus Gp Capt Bader, Sir Malcolm Campbell and many very senior old BEA captains.

Economy and austerity reigned. My eraser, lines for amending, disappeared, stolen. I approached Admin humbly and craved a replacement. The big boss overheard, and forbade the issue.

"But sir, woe woe, my Zebra's arse in the Atlantic needs a redraw!". "Use the [rubber] heel of your shoe sonny".

Thus was the 1200 synoptic rendered a grey mess, an admixture of rubber, graphite, street dung and dry chewing gum.

So "how bloody dare you believe what was a joking order LB?"

AND IT CAME TO PASS 20 YEARS LATER THAT LB WAS A LORDLY LEADER OF MET. AND THE GATWICK MAN HAD PROGRESSED NOT AT ALL. AND LB WAS RUNNING A COURSE WHICH INCLUDED A SOON-TO-BE UNHAPPY GATWICK MAN.

[PlasticCabDriver]

Ex 230 and sadly RIP?

CG

Happily very much still alive!

[teeteringhead]

Happily very much still alive Phew! Post 73 had me worried.....

[NutLoose]

Happily very much still alive!

Does he know?

[FantomZorbin]

Armistice parade in front of town hall ... RAF detachment led by a junior FJP, "EYES RIGHT EYES RIGHT GO!"

[Ninthace]

Reminds me of a route lining when an ex RN friend of mine, now wearing a uniform of a lighter hue, was reminded by the Sgt who understands these things, with a long suffering sigh.
'No sir, the correct expression is "As you were!" not "Belay my last!".'

[SASless]

LB....doesn't your last post here belong in the. "I wish I hand not said...." Thread?:oh:

[Nigerian Expat Outlaw]

Exercise Reforger 87/Certain Strike:

"Sgt NEO, having upset the Commander Aviation with your backchat, it has been decided to remove you from BAOR. Start packing."

A 4 month tour in Northern Ireland followed by 20 months in Hong Kong, 8 months in Brunei, resettlement course in London and out I came.
He was a pompous idiot who wanted me to fly through (and twice asked me to) land in Danger Areas. When I respectfully pointed out the cons I was accused of disobeying an order.
I heard he became the first "home grown" DAAC and blew his own head off in retirement.

NEO

[SASless]

20. Months in Hong Kong.....I hope you learned your lesson young Man!

[langleybaston]

LB....doesn't your last post here belong in the. "I wish I hand not said...." Thread?:oh:

Not at all. Revenge is a dish best eaten cold.

[Melchett01]

Baghdad 2003:

Flt Lt Melchett - we think we’ve lost a couple of Land Rovers and their pax somewhere up in the Sunni Triangle. They were due at Taji an hour ago and haven’t been in comms. Go and find them, there’s a good chap,

Me… ‘oh fxxk.’ My orders brief - Cpl, go and sign out more ammo. How much? As much as they’ll let you take - try the US armoury, they don’t ask too many questions.

[NutLoose]

Last weeks of my service and literally days to do and I get stuck on GDT annual training, which I thought would really come in handy in about 16 days as I venture out into civi street.
For some reason the duty Rock decides we will all strip down our muskets, throw all the parts into a pile and run to the nearest fence and back, last man to cock and dry fire his weapon, all serials matching would do press-ups.
Run he commands, firke that I thinks, slowly slowly much better, off everyone goes with me trotting along last, everyone arrives back puffed and start to search for their musket parts. Rock now getting apoplectic and shouting RUN.. arriving back last I am confronted with only and all the parts serial matching ready to assemble my musket, watching everyone rushing and fumbling I take my time and finish ahead of several of the group.

[kamanya]

Bad -

18, first lieutenant. Very remote training area on a psuedo weapons course in Northern Namibia (Then South West Africa)

RSM - Loot, you confident with that PE4?
Me - Yes, we had a course on it yesterday afternoon.
RSM - Good, get rid of all those dud and damaged 82mm mortars, RPG's and RKG 13's (all soviet stuff)
RSM (and senior staff depart for the distant main base 30km away, I'm left in charge of the camp)

It's mainly very flat and all sandy veld in that part of the world. In a small depression I piled the mortars and grenades, maybe 15 or 20 in total in a neat lattice and headed off to get the PE4. Not knowing how much to use, I took half the crate - 3kgs or 12 bricks of 225g. Packing the blocks in a pyramid atop the mound approximating the shaped charge we'd been taught. I thought it looked quite professional.

Next problem, I couldn't find any detonators of the safety fused kind left. ****!

Aha! But we still had claymores and they have fuses! Same thing surely?

Next problem to overcome was a cable long enough. We only had the 2 claymore ones. Great, join those together. 50m should be longer enough. Surely?

Sorted. I pushed the fuse into the top brick.

Behind a small raised berm about half a meter high at the very end of the cable, myself and another unsuspecting troop, lay down. Blocked our ears, opened our mouths.

HOLY ****!!!!

Later, when the RSM returned.

RSM - Nice hole! Heard it from the camp. (the crater was big enough to hide a good sized SUV)
Me - Pardon? (my ears rang for a few days after that)

[longer ron]

Last weeks of my service and literally days to do and I get stuck on GDT annual training, which I thought would really come in handy in about 16 days as I venture out into civi street.


I had exaccly the same - literally days to do and had to go for annual firing - I really wasn't very interested,I was the oldest by far on the range that day and I managed to get on the best side for firing SLR's (Left Hand side ??) So's I didn't get clobbered by anybody elses Hot ejected Cases :).
But that was the limit of my interest - I was firing happily away and then part way through - I realised I was actually firing at next doors target,so I then switched to my target :)
Needless to say I got a bit of a roasting for bad marksmanship LOL but my neighbour got a really good score :).
I had a busy last couple of weeks at Abingdon - I managed to get on a Hawk delivery flight back to Brawdy (to see some old mates) and return flight to bring in the next a/c for servicing at Abingdon.
I also had a last flight in a Bulldog with one of our very nice instructors on one of our UAS's,where he let me do the whole thing from startup to shutdown - many thanks LB - it was very enjoyable and much appreciated :)

[NutLoose]

His immortal words on that last Annual firing " 20 rounds in your own time, carry on" were still been uttered by the time my magazine was empty.. he was mightly unimpressed. :E

You were lucky, I got stuck on a Royal prep for the last weeks, Still I did get to do my Sunday Morning Church run up to full power on a VC10 during the Staish's verbotten church period, I don't know if God heard it, but everyone else did..

[luckyrat]

Exercise Reforger 87/Certain Strike:

"Sgt NEO, having upset the Commander Aviation with your backchat, it has been decided to remove you from BAOR. Start packing."

A 4 month tour in Northern Ireland followed by 20 months in Hong Kong, 8 months in Brunei, resettlement course in London and out I came.
He was a pompous idiot who wanted me to fly through (and twice asked me to) land in Danger Areas. When I respectfully pointed out the cons I was accused of disobeying an order.
I heard he became the first "home grown" DAAC and blew his own head off in retirement.

NEO
Remarkably similar to the end of my Army Airplane Club career.
Honk Kong 1987; order from OC Maj Richard Cranium we will take off in the dark in the morning, no navigation lights, and practice formation flying! Now I’ve read Chickenhawk, but unlike “Dick” I wasn’t a first tour pilot.
My comments back not appreciated, and I was off to London for my resettlement course too…