Great Replies

[SixOfTheBest]

Thought I'd start a thread on quick retorts that you may have heard in the past, you know, those ones that make you wish you were as sharp witted as the person who said it. Don't know if something like this has been posted in the past. If it has, sorry, i'll get me coat.

Here's 2 of my favourites for starters.....

FJ Squadron sitting in on a brief by one of the shags. He's talking about Heaters and how to defeat them...

Shag: So you get threatened by a heater...You need to start thinking about self-defence......the best thing to do is put the sun between yourself and the missile.....

QWI sitting on back row: F@ck me, we'll need tanker support for that one!

And the second.......

3 sqn shags havin a lager in the O'Mess. One of them's been on leave and not bothered to shave, one of the 2 has amazingly long, fashionable, side-burns. OCU Boss, who's a bit of an 'old-fashioned' (on with the hessian underwear) type comes in the bar....

Boss: You may be on leave, but I expect to see you clean shaven when you enter a public room in the Mess.

Un-shaven Bloke: Righty oh Sir, I shall step to it interfrastically.

Boss (turning to other shag): .....And the last time I saw sideburns like that was on a faggot...

Other Shag (turns to Boss): Good night was it Sir?!

Please stick in your own memories of sharp retorts.....Alternatively, just don't bother........

[Good Mickey]

How about replies from chat up lines..?

Q. How would you like your eggs in the morning?

A. Unfertilized!!

[Flap62]

SOTB - just worked out who you are! get a shave!

Can't believe you registered to pprune on Christmas day - you sad muppet - still in the Ghobi then?

[SixOfTheBest]

Aye, twas a sad day. Right bicep was the size of Popeye's!

But back to the thread..........

[Flap62]

SOTB,

I won't mention

"Tally the village" if you don't!!

[oldpinger]

Sort of 'on thread'
A certain Senior Pilot I once served with, when he was carrying out Fish-head time driving a smally warry;

One morning alongside,when the Capts Steward opened the door with the tea, on seeing the extra lump under the covers and the ladies wooden leg under the bed, "Will that be two cups of tea then Sir?"

Of course, the obligatory question from the observer- 'Whats the Fuel?'(state)Answer- AVCAT... :rolleyes:

Very old one- What's the wind?
A.Movement of air from high to low pressure influenced by geostrophic and cyclostrophic forces, and a bit of coriolis, but that's not important right now....

I did once get 'Negative the pattern is full' from an air trafficer once, really rather sad and pathetic!

[BlueWolf]

Nothing to do with the forum, but a good 'un nonetheless...

The situation: Australia are playing cricket against Zimbabwe. The usual sledging is in full swing.

A somewhat corpulent Zimbabwean batsman is facing up.

Australian bowler: "Why are you so fat?"

Zimbabwean batsman: "Because every time I fvuck your wife, she gives me a biscuit."

[sprucemoose]

Since BlueWolf brought up the cricket, here's a couple of crackers courtesy of a BBC article:

In Adelaide - the location of the third Ashes Test - in 1991, the master sledger Merv Hughes told Javed Miandad who was speaking in Urdu to talk English.

Javed then reportedly told Hughes he was a "fat bus conductor".

Hughes then gave Javed what one commentator called "a ferocious delivery", which got him out. "Tickets, please," Hughes called out as Javed headed back to the pavilion.

Hughes was also involved in a celebrated exchange with Robin Smith at Lord's in 1989, when he told Smith: "You can't f***ing bat." Smith then clouted the next ball and told Hughes: "Hey Merv, we make a fine pair. I can't f***ing bat and you can't f***ing bowl."

[timex]

Young sailor on one of HM flatops with feet on table, is spotted by pimply subby Who asks "do you sit with your feet on the table at home?" to which the reply is "no but I dont have jets landing on my roof either" :)

[1.3VStall]

Famous RAF engineering base in South Wales in the mid 1970s. Staish was a 41-year-old Air Cdre, a jock (although he could equally well have been from another planet) and the World's worst after dinner speaker.

Fifteen minutes into his mumbling address at a dining-in night the younger chaps were getting restless and starting to make a bit of a disturbance at the Mr Vice end of one of the tables. Eventually noticing this said Staish, summoning up his most authoritative voice, bellowed "Excuse me, can everyone hear me?"

Young WRAF officer sitting next to me immediately retorted at full volume "I can, sir, but I'd willingly swap places with someone who can't!".

[Flash2001]

Scene, the bridge of a USN destroyer during fleet maneuvers. There is a US congressman aboard as a distinguished observer. After some dodgy seamanship to recover and stow the helo a signalman appears on the bridge with a flimsy in his hand.

Sigs: Message from the admiral sir!

Capt: Read it to me.

Sigs: Sir, I don't think...

Capt: Nonsense my boy, read it out loud.

Sigs: What the h*ll do you think you are doing you idiot? You almost rammed the flagship.

Capt: Very well, take that below and have it decoded.

[Skylark4]

Again, not quite on thread but:-
Many years ago I found a small book, in the public library, of humorous Naval signals. The one which sticks in my mind is as follows. Two ships performing dashing manoevres and one cuts across astern the other. Unfortunately the amount of dash just exceeded the amount of skill and there was a slight bending of rails on the stern of the leading ship. A signal was immediately sent which read,`If you touch me there again, I`ll scream.`
I`m sure someone out there knows this book, if you can track it down it`s well worth a read.

Mike W

[Talking Radalt]

So this careless pranging of HM shipping? Not a new thing then?!:p

[Pass-A-Frozo]

a little addition to Good Mickey's one from earlier:

How about replies from chat up lines..?

Q. How would you like your eggs in the morning?

A. Unfertilized!!

Comeback: That's ok. I can shoot my load up your ar$e.

:D

[BEagle]

I do so appreciate the culture of our ex-convicts!

On another tack, shortly after the world's most tedious and political after dinner speech at RAF Abingdon given by some boring engineer Air Commode, a clear, still voice was heard to say:" That was a Partly Political Broadcast from the Ar$elicking Party - it can be heard later tonight on BBC2!"

Said Air Commode was hugely peed off!

[TqNrT4NgGreenlightCWP]

Then there was the young AAC Observer who was asked what his actions would be on encountering an obviously un-winnable situation, who replied that he would "Do a 360 and get the flock out of there..."

[Hobo]

Then there was the flag signal sent by the French commander to Nelson.

Nelson: Whats he saying.

Signals Officer: It's in French sir.

Nelson: Well dammit, translate it you know I can't speak French.

Signals Officer: Well Sir It translates as "To the water; it is the hour"

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:D (A l'eau; c'est l'heure):D

[Sloppy Link]

AAC Observer on his course, when told that his pilot is dead and asked what his actions would be, replied, "Fly back to base and log .4 solo!"

Senior AAC Officer on a Gazelle refresher with a QHI who had been in the same Squadron with him in the past.
As they flew low level over Harewood Forest, QHI says, "What would you say if I said practice engine failure, GO!"

Reply (after two seconds thought)," I would say that I made a very poor character assessment of you the last time I wrote your confidential!"

This is more like it, something to smile at!!:D :D :D :D

[Captain Gadget]

Not quite a witty reply, but...

An AAC Sgt Pilot and his Cpl observer are sent in their helo to fly to an RV at a grid reference. Having arrived, they are to telephone a certain number which will bring a staff car and bigwig passenger to meet them.

All goes well until arrival at the GR, which turns out to be a parade ground, which is not unusual. What is unusual is that there is a parade in progress on it.

After much noisy low hovering, the helo's intentions are finally understood and the parade disperses in chaos. The helo lands, observer hops out and legs it to guardroom to make the call.

He reappears a couple of moments later, with a stern expression on his face. "We'd better get out of here, Sarge," he says.

"What's wrong?" asks the Sgt pilot.

"Well, we've landed at the telephone number and I've just phoned the grid reference."

[wub]

In a similar vein to Capt Gadget's:

A senior police officer decides that he will go on patrol with a young constable in a car. They round a corner and see that a huge fight is in progress, the senior officer, keen to assist, grabs the radio microphone and searches the dashboard for the call sign. His eyes alight on a small strip of Dymo tape and he keys the mike: "Romeo 32 Foxtrot 30 to base"

" Er, Chief" says the young constable, "You've just read out the tyre pressures" :D :D

[Kiting for Boys]

Alternative to Hobo's story

Graduates of the French Naval Academy have a tradition of marching towards their new ship with their left hand holding the hilt of their sword to their hip and proclaiming loudly

To the water - it is time.

A l'eau; c'est l'heure

[sprucemoose]

I heard a great one (true I'm assured) about a police training exercise, during which future PCs are tested on their response to a nasty RTA involving numerous vehicles, a pregnant lady and a person known to be banned from driving and with a known history of violence.

The best response on how to deal with this situation was: "Remove uniform and mingle with the crowd!"

[Zoom]

Many, many years ago, a spotty junior cadet was drifting around and grinning.

Senior cadet: 'What are you smiling for, Smith?'

Smith: 'Because the sun is shining, sir.'

SC: 'You stupid prat, the sun is always shining. It's just sometime you can't see it.'

----------

Later that day, even more senior and rather pompous SC, on stepping outside: 'Oh, it's beginning to rain.'

Previous SC: 'Don't worry, sir, I'll have it switched off.'

----------

Yours truly is summoned from pit to PMC's presence in the bar at Bruggen the morning after the best-ever bash to celebrate (!) news of impending ground tour. The bar was many inches deep in broken glass, a truly staggering memorial to a brilliantly childish, glass-smashing finale.

PMC, purple with rage, totally apoplectic, sweeps hand across the devastation: 'This... this... this has the mark of [YT] all over it!'

YT, crunching feet in the detritus: 'What has, sir?'

Two hours of pushin' broom buys a.........

[SixOfTheBest]

2nd hand one

Certain QWI on certain OCU in North of Scotland. The boys are on det. QWI doesn't like Boss, in fact, nobody does.

QWI: So Boss, do you have an entertainments budget?

Boss: In fact I don't

QWI: Well you should, you're a F!*kin clown!

[Ralf Wiggum]

At a small Unit where eveyone knew each others business, I had the pleasure of attending a farewell party for a long serving NCO. The young Fg Off who gave the farewell speech thought he could provide a few laughs, but the old hat NCO was too damn quick:

Fg Off - Phil retires after 20 years service. Bloody hell, I wasn't even born when you joined up. (Cheesy Grin).

Phil - (Without waiting for a pause) Ay, I knew your Mum, son.

[Pontius]

Absolutely true and heard first hand. RNAS Yeovilton, some time late 80s.

Sea King 1: "Pan, pan, pan, zulu hotel, Sea King helicopter, 10 pob, 7 miles south of the field with a single engine failure. Carrying out precautionary forced landing in a field"

Sea King 2: "Ah this is zulu lima, we are SAR equipped Sea King and happy to assist in any way we can"

My very good mate: "Black 2 is a Sea Harrier. I'm Sidewinder equipped and can help put them out of their misery"

Well I thought it was funny :p



Toodle pip,

Pontius

[SixOfTheBest]

The boys are on Det in Northern Norway. Out in 'the paris of the north' in a nightclub, surrounded by viking clacker. One of the lads is making sterling progress with a 5'10'' babe.

Babe: So, are you staying in a hotel here......

Bloke: Yes, it's just round the corner...

Babe: I must warn you....I have my period, but I have more than one hole...........!

Bloke: Errr, Lets Go!

[SixOfTheBest]

New arrival doing his Combat Ready Work-up. Senior shag briefing him on Basic Fighting Manoeuvres before they go off for his first 1 v 1. Up to this point, young bloke completely wowed by senior shags intimate knowledge and nuclear SA.

Senior: Ok, What if's. There are only certain manoeuvres that are possible, and each has a counter. So, the bandit goes high and you have enough energy, go up with him. Bandit goes low, and you have corner speed...Let him go, stay where you are, join his circle and then kick his ass. Any Questions?

Junior: Well, what if he goes high and I don't have the energy to go up with him. What do I do?

Senior: F@ck knows! Who do you think I am, Richtofen?!!

[EESDL]

After just aborting having had my Control column come adrift in the venerable Tincan, ATC asked if they could be of assistance........before the QFI in the back could intervene the tapes were heard to record:
"Unless you've got a fuc5ing spanner, NO!"

[Chairborne 09.00hrs]

Skylark - that was possibly "Make a Signal" by Capt. Jackie Broome.

Possibly.

[Hobo]

Chief Pilot: Jones, Do you know why you've been a Second Officer for so long?

S/O Jones: No Sir.

Chief Pilot: Because we don't have Third officers.

[ShutUp and Drive]

Some years back I was holding to come in and do a role demo at a Families day in NI while the jag was doing it's display thing. The controller at the time (there's a civvy tower there) was not known as the sharpest tool in the box. The following was heard on the radio...

ATC: "Jaguar this is Aldergrove, request your departure details"

Jag: (IN the middle of his high energy display and well within 5 secs) "Vertical"

Nice retort...

The approach freq also had a pearler on the same day...

A/C: "Aldergrove approach, the red arrows"

ATC: "Station calling standby"

A short while later...

A/C: "Aldergrove, the red arrows"

ATC: "Station calling standby"

A shorter while later and a little more agitated...

A/C: "Aldergrove, the red arrows"

ATC: "Unknown station, say again callsign"

A/C: "THE RED ARROWS (slowly for affect)

ATC: "Roger Red Arrows, request aircraft type"

Surely a wheeze on behalf of the controller...? (This was the mid 90's and they hadn't flown gnats since I was in short trousers):D