Best Messages Ever

[Big Pistons Forever]

Back in the days before computers ruined everything information was passed by message and held in the ubiquitous "message log". Saw many great ones but my all time favorite was sent by the Captain of my small Coast Patrol ship to Naval Headquarters. It was in response to a message instigated by some Bin Rat in the bowels of the Logistic section castigating us for not promptly repling to a request for information on the annual jam consumption in our messes ( I shyte thee not).

I was a young Lt on my first go as an XO. As soon as I saw the message my head exploded and I went to see the Captain with a red haze in my eyes. He said calm down I will take care of this, Stand down !

His reply message said

" Your request to increase the administrative burden of this unit is denied"

[Pontius Navigator]

BPE, I am reminded of the Dennis Hedley take on such stats. If someone asks the question they don't know the answer. As they don't know the answer they won't know if you make the my numbers up.

At ASI there was a request to know tonnage and pax numbers carried to FI by the air bridge. The movers had a 6 month gap and asked us in Ops of we had the figures. I gave them some realistic figures and they departed happy and sent them to Northwood. They went white when I told them however I had guessed what they were for.

it was for Hesletine to thank the Air Bridge crews with the start of T* services to MPA. All he need was X thousand troops and Y hundred tins of freight.

[BossEyed]

Always a favourite: Letter from the Duke of Wellington dispatched from Spain in Aug 1812:

Gentlemen,

Whilst marching from Portugal to a position which commands the approach to Madrid and the French forces, my officers have been diligently complying with your requests which have been sent by H.M. ship from London to Lisbon and thence by dispatch to our headquarters. We have enumerated our saddles, bridles, tents and tent poles, and all manner of sundry items for which His Majesty's Government holds me accountable. I have dispatched reports on the character, wit, and spleen of every officer. Each item and every farthing has been accounted for, with two regrettable exceptions for which I beg your indulgence.

Unfortunately the sum of one shilling and ninepence remains unaccounted for in one infantry battalion's petty cash and there has been a hideous confusion as the the number of jars of raspberry jam issued to one cavalry regiment during a sandstorm in western Spain. This reprehensible carelessness may be related to the pressure of circumstance, since we are war with France, a fact which may come as a bit of a surprise to you gentlemen in Whitehall.

This brings me to my present purpose, which is to request elucidation of my instructions from His Majesty's Government so that I may better understand why I am dragging an army over these barren plains. I construe that perforce it must be one of two alternative duties, as given below. I shall pursue either one with the best of my ability, but I cannot do both:

1. To train an army of uniformed British clerks in Spain for the benefit of the accountants and copy-boys in London or, perchance,

2. To see to it that the forces of Napoleon are driven out of Spain.

Your most obedient servant,

Wellington

[taxydual]

My late Uncle John was a 2nd Lieutenant in the Royal Artillery in December 1941. He was posted as 2i/c a small Royal Artillery unit in the Outer Hebrides. The unit consisted of a Captain (RA), himself, a Sergeant, a Lance Bombardier and 4 Gunners. In December 1941 the Captain went on leave, leaving Uncle John as acting CO.

During the night of the 9th of December he was awakened by someone banging on the Nissan hut door. On opening the door he faced a fisherman from the main Island bearing a message from the War Office.

The message read "Commence hostilities against Japan immediately".

Being keen (and green) he strapped on his Webley, aroused his sleeping Force (all 6 of them) and ordered Guard Patrols.

After an hour of sea watching (at midnight) he realised how pointless it all was, so he sent the Guard Force to bed with the words "It's too dark. We'll start the new war in the morning".

[MPN11]

My best messages were the letters on blue paper that started:You will be pleased to know you have been provisionally selected for promotion to the substantive rank of ...

I will now shut up, and allow better and more relevant humour to prevail! :)

[fantom]

Send three and fourpence; we are going to a dance.

[reds & greens]

My best messages were the letters on blue paper that started:

I will now shut up, and allow better and more relevant humour to prevail! :)
Unless of course you had got security of a better job and were selected for Redundancy/Happiness in Tranche 1

[Ascend Charlie]

In a Service Writing class in the early 70s, the instructor told us to compose a message to a person who was on leave, but had to be recalled to duty rapidly. Naturally, Service Writing is required to be concise.

The best message from the class was:

"RTB RFN"

[MPN11]

Unless of course you had got security of a better job and were selected for Redundancy/Happiness in Tranche 1
We were both happily 'Redunded' as NATO OF-4/wg cdr, never worked again, and have spent the last 20 years or so travelling! :)

[BEagle]

I am told that when the mighty Belslow was sent off to the East on an early trip, having finally struggled up to around FL150 and 230 KTAS in mid-France, a message was sent back to Arsecoat Ops which read: "Proceeding eastwards at a sedate pace. No signs of scurvy amongst the crew!"

[glad rag]

We were both happily 'Redunded' as NATO OF-4/wg cdr, never worked again, and have spent the last 20 years or so travelling! :)

Now that was, wrt the op, quite jammy indeed!

[TBM-Legend]

and the winner is BEagle....

Twas in the control tower at Clark AFB during a very big recovery of F-4's and an inbound VIP VC-135 tries to join the pattern. My tower controller friend tells him to go-around and maybe another due traffic! THe response was "Don't you realise that we have 3 stars on board?" Reply 'well take him with you!'.....all OK until a call on the phone from a bleating type from the Command Post. The General was flying the aircraft!

[sitigeltfel]

Best message received?

"Endex"!

[bingofuel]

Back in 1959: the Captain of HMS Ulster sent a signal to MOD(N) claiming the altitude record for a RN warship as he was at 600ft amsl in the St Lawrence Seaway!

[FantomZorbin]

A friend of my father was captain of a Landing Craft attempting to moor at Thurso harbour in the '40s. Unfortunately, before the craft had been secured alongside, the prow had collided with a bus on the quayside. Message to RN ops: I have the honour to report that my craft, whilst under weigh at sea, collided with an omnibus ...

[NutLoose]

"Government Paper" adorned every shiny hard sheet of the stuff, as if anyone would want to steal it, and the only Governmental white paper ever worth a sh*te

[NutLoose]

In a Service Writing class in the early 70s, the instructor told us to compose a message to a person who was on leave, but had to be recalled to duty rapidly. Naturally, Service Writing is required to be concise.

The best message from the class was:

"RTB RFN"

RTB was used pre Falklands build up to get the guys back to Odious.

[Melchett01]

My best messages were the letters on blue paper that started:

I will now shut up, and allow better and more relevant humour to prevail! :)

Sadly said blue letters are no more - they went as cost/morale saving a good few years ago - they were very welcome messages and a nice pat on ththe back from a VSO when you got a personal handwritten one. I found out my last promotion by an instant message from a friend at Air who was under the impression I’d already been told when he congratulated me! I guess that still counts as a ‘best message’ as long as you can guarantee it’s not a wind up.

[charliegolf]

I found out my last promotion by an instant message from a friend at Air who was under the impression I’d already been told when he congratulated me! I guess that still counts as a ‘best message’ as long as you can guarantee it’s not a wind up.

On promotion to deputy head, pre-texting, I waited anxiously for news (eventually sitting staring at the phone at the foot of the stairs), only to have my current boss and a governor phone and congratulate me. They were horrified to be told that I hadn't been! Act surprised, the boss said. At 7pm, I looked up my soon to be new head in a paper phone book, and rang him. "You got the job, boy, well done. But haven't you listened to your answerphone messages- I rang you at 4pm?"

He really was shaken when I told him I had no answerphone!

Biggest pay rise in my life, £17k up to £23k in 1993:ok:

CG

[Chugalug2]

I am told that when the mighty Belslow was sent off to the East on an early trip, having finally struggled up to around FL150 and 230 KTAS in mid-France, a message was sent back to Arsecoat Ops which read: "Proceeding eastwards at a sedate pace. No signs of scurvy amongst the crew!"

These tales get modified with the telling of course, but the contemporaneous version put him over the Turkish Mountains, having delayed for a week or two in Cyprus awaiting a mandatory VMC forecast on that part of the CENTO route, during the Belslow's hot and high trials. His HF message then was reported as, "Am forging East, crew scurvy free, God Save the Queen!". There was follow up administrative action I believe. My all time favourite too! :ok:

[Shackman]

FROM OC 205 SQN
'AOC EXTREMELY DISPLEASED YOUR DEPARTURE CHANGI. YOU ARE NOT REPEAT NOT TO CARRY OUT ANY FURTHER FLYPASTS EN ROUTE UK'

It was unfortunate the AOC was having a late breakfast on his balcony prior to the formal closure of FEAF.

[Wander00]

Talking of late lamented Blue Letters, I was a student on the Chartered Management Accountants Course at Worthy Down in the late 80s when as I passed the Chief instructor's office he called out that he had had a letter in his desk drawer for me for over a week. handed it to me and as my fevered fingers tore open the envelope asked if it was important. I explained that it told me of impending promotion to wg cdr. He apologised for not having given it to me earlier but had assumed my desk officer would have told me, as happened in the Army.

28 years later we had a family in one of our gites, who hailed from Winchester. Conversation covered this and that, until he said that his Dad had been Royal Army Pay Corps. Penny dropped, the CI of years before was his Dad. Small world. Mind you a month ago two families arrived for the gites on Saturday afternoon. On arrival the second dad had an OMG moment, the first guy here was his (fairly senior) boss in the Cabinet Office, neither was aware they had booked into the same place. Like "In the Thick of It" all week, but good fun

[Mogwi]

After managing to splash 3 Skyhawks when supposedly on our night deck landing qualification flight:


112359Z June 82.

From CTF 317
To HMS HERMES

Another outstanding performance by your outstanding air group. If you can do this on a training flight I look forward to your results when you go operational.

BT

[effortless]

Best naval message? Green White Green pennant, sometimes with a martini glass on it.

[wub]

A distant relative of mine, a Master Mariner sometime in the 1850s, was known to the family as "The Sea Captain" There is a letter in the family archive which starts, "Dear Mother, I regret to inform you that I have lost another ship".....

[MPN11]

Whilst not in the witty corner of this Thread, I suppose my best message ever was when, on 16 Aug 93, SASO handed me my sealed letter telling me I had been selected for Redundancy.

The sweet spotwas that I was able to give him, by return of hand, my pre-prepared Leave Pass which covered most of the next 6 months!! :)

[downsizer]

Sadly said blue letters are no more - they went as cost/morale saving a good few years ago - they were very welcome messages and a nice pat on ththe back from a VSO when you got a personal handwritten one. I found out my last promotion by an instant message from a friend at Air who was under the impression I’d already been told when he congratulated me! I guess that still counts as a ‘best message’ as long as you can guarantee it’s not a wind up.

Station Commander at my current unit hand writes all promotees, officer and NCO, a letter of congratulations.

[MPN11]

WOWZA!!! He's destined for greatness!

[staircase]

It also happens to us in the civilian world. When I left the service and got the ATPL there was forced retirement for airline pilots at 60. As a result all the financial planning (paying off mortgages, endowment maturity, pensions) etc was based on being out of work on the 60th birthday.

3 months before this birthday, a letter arrived offering a 'shed load of money' if I took redundancy - effective in 3 months time!!

Mrs Staircase was convinced it was a wind up from the 'mates', until I put her on the 'dog and bone' to the line manager.

Mind you with the bank of mum and dad called on for kids housing, a couple of weddings and a boat soon saw most of it off.

[safetypee]

Sent from jungle location at the end of a survival training exercise, awaiting hello pick up:

Require 24T+CO2

[triskele]

Granby, junglie returning, apparently not impressed with flying underslung spuds to the frigates. Yank on the safety net...Britsh military helo...schrrrrch..circling 1 nautical mile astern..schrrch...please do not repeat that last manouvre

[2 TWU]

An army major received a letter which wrongly gave his commissioning date as 981 as opposed to 1981. He wrote claiming£ £X million pounds in back pay. The MoD replied stating that there was a discrepancy of £X million plus £1000 for arrows at the battle of Agincourt of 1415, as he appeared to be the only survivor would he settle the account at the earliest opportunity.

[Ogre]

Station Commander at my current unit hand writes all promotees, officer and NCO, a letter of congratulations.

The cynic is me says that just shows either how few are left in the Air Force or how few actually get promoted! It reminds me of the mid 90's when to even gt on teh board you needed 3 9's and a spec rec per year for the last five years.....

[Haraka]

Funny that- some years before the joke was that for a certain chino-graph board chasing branch it was; Three "unsuitables" and one "Not yet fit". :)

[BEagle]

Haraka would that be the ridiculous Op Support 'Phone-answering Branch'? Does it still exist?

Even after my first Spec Rec (and a personal comment from SASO who tapped me on the shoulder at the 1996 AAR conference in Gateway House - "Just seen your 1369 - outstanding!"), it took 2 further SRs before I was promoted - as a Spec Aircrew Sqn Ldr. I failed to see the point of promotion boards which didn't respect the value of the Spec Rec system....:\

[Wensleydale]

I failed to see the point of promotion boards which didn't respect the value of the Spec Rec system

I had seen far too many dissatisfied squadron leaders moaning about their daily commute to London from Lincolnshire and in constant discussion about the best moment to PVR: this only reinforced my desire to stay on as specialist aircrew rather than follow the rat-race (moving the family about was not really an option with my daughters in a very good secondary school). This did not sit well with most of my second ROs who couldn't understand my reluctance to enter the monkey tree, with the result that I achieved my ambition and retired on a very good PAS pension. One supportive 1st RO however told me that he would rather have keen spec aircrew working for him rather than a disgruntled overlooked flt lt and supported my plans.

[Fortissimo]

I failed to see the point of promotion boards which didn't respect the value of the Spec Rec system

The promotion boards I sat on certainly did respect the value of the Spec Rec system - an SR guaranteed the individual would be read by the board. What it didn't do was guarantee promotion because you still had to have your ability, performance and potential weighed against those of your peers, and there is always a finite number of promotion slots whatever one's rank/branch/trade, which means some very worthy individuals lose out. Not ideal, but people have tried and failed over the years to come up with a more equitable system that still meets the Service need.

Thread drift! Anyone have any good messages to share?

[Pontius Navigator]

OK

"You were 5th on the board but only 4 slots. However you are the only one available for the embassy in Kabul"

Not me but someone I know ☺

[Mogwi]

Very dark, starless night off North Cape; SHAR sent to investigate non-squawking contact behaving oddly 90 miles north of the ship. Steely-eyed ace goes in lights-off and radar silent and manages to position himself close underneath a "large aircraft". Unable to identify what it was, said ace pops on the anti-collision light in order to illuminate the underside of the target. This was greeted by an urgent stage whisper on Guard, "Sea Harrier underneath the Nimrod - F*** off!!!"

Ah, how we laughed!

[LowObservable]

Very dark, starless night off North Cape; SHAR sent to investigate non-squawking contact behaving oddly 90 miles north of the ship. Steely-eyed ace goes in lights-off and radar silent and manages to position himself close underneath a "large aircraft". Unable to identify what it was, said ace pops on the anti-collision light in order to illuminate the underside of the target. This was greeted by an urgent stage whisper on Guard, "Sea Harrier underneath the Nimrod - F*** off!!!"

Ah, how we laughed!

One of those Nimrods, I would imagine.
Also, when I heard the Belfast story (from a Belfast pilot, ~10 years after the event) it was a signal from Singapore and included the phrase "Crew in good spirits and free from scurvy."

[Pontius Navigator]

Mogwi, boot on 'the foot. Shack or Nimrod on Surface Surveillance off Crete anchorage spots an O-boat creeping in on SovMedRon. "Tool tool, are you available for Casex?"
​​​​

[Wwyvern]

Fighter Command late 50s. Squadron pilots were required to participate in regular aircraft recognition tests. Every so often the tests would be marked at Group HQ and the results sent to the squadrons. FC targets were Eastern Bloc bombers and fighters. Pilots had to know the wing span of their prospective targets in order to set their gun sights for each target. Fighters were generally about 30ft wingspan and bombers 50 ft.

The tests required the actual aircraft to be identified, but Flt Lt Bloggs disagreed, and completed his tests with "Large" or "Small" instead of aircraft types. It was reported that a message was received by the Squadron Aircraft Recognition Officer along the lines of "Please inform Flt Lt Bloggs that if he continues to submit such test reports, he will get my large up his small. Signed AOC"

Or so I was told.

[langleybaston]

Surely the one to beat is "peccavi", reputed to be the message sent by General Napier when he conquered Sindh / Scinde.

I did French and German at skool but not Latin, but am reliably informed it is a good pun.
Wiki disputes its authorship.

[langleybaston]

and there is always "who is Round, and why does he object? upon reading a minute in file: "round objects" unsigned.

[Harley Quinn]

and there is always "who is Round, and why does he object? upon reading a minute in file: "round objects" unsigned.

Sounds like a load of balls

[MOSTAFA]

On this day in 1944 A Company, 2 Bn The Parachute Regiment, on Arnhem Bridge signaled from radios which probably didn’t work “Out of ammunition - God Save the King”

[ORAC]

Surely the one to beat is "peccavi", reputed to be the message sent by General Napier when he conquered Sindh / Scinde. Except he didn’t, it was a schoolgirl, Catherine Winkworth who submitted it as a joke to Punch - which as ever since been attributed to the general himself.


https://cimg2.ibsrv.net/gimg/pprune.org-vbulletin/2000x536/18440518_peccavi_punch_6dd8166346a7f2775b35153848f9736b85390 408.jpg

[Timelord]

“Please send nominal role of personnel broken down by age and sex”

” Pretty much all of them”

[chevvron]

Female radar controller vectoring an aircraft for the ILS 'is it all right if I turn you on at 5 miles'?
Well what would you say?

[Thud105]

Surely the best message ever has to be from the Spartans to King Philip II of Macedon.

After Philip decided to start putting pressure on Sparta, he sent them the following threatening message:

“If I win this war, you will be slaves forever.”

The Spartans sent back a single word in reply:

“If”.

[Carbon Bootprint]

Maybe not as succinct, but if we're talking about the Spartans one must mention "Molon Labe." Or "come and get them" when ordered to lay down arms.

[chevvron]

Back in WW2, allied bombers heading for targets in Italy often 'inadvertantly' entered Swiss airspace (short cut to save fuel)
One night the Swiss signalled to them 'you are in Swiss airspace'
Allied aircraft replied 'we know'
Then the Swiss said 'if you do not leave our airspace we will be forced to shoot at you'
Allied aircraft 'we know'.
So the Swiss started firing some AA which was well off target.
Allied aircraft 'your AA is well off target'
Swiss reply 'we know'.

[treadigraph]

and there is always "who is Round, and why does he object? upon reading a minute in file: "round objects" unsigned.

Sir Humphrey Appleby responding in a note to a written comment by Jim Hacker, Minister for Administrative Affairs...

[Pontius Navigator]

Female radar controller vectoring an aircraft for the ILS 'is it all right if I turn you on at 5 miles'?
Well what would you say?
Ditto

You are entering my black hole.

[Pontius Navigator]

From Bastogne

"Nuts"

[Wander00]

I always thought the female controller quite was "You are entering my dark area"

Response "Wriggle, honey"

Well, brightens a Monday morning.....

[jimjim1]

Sir Humphrey Appleby responding in a note to a written comment by Jim Hacker, Minister for Administrative Affairs...

Round Objects

whole program - https://www.dailymotion.com/video/x5tc4jk
starts at 6:24 for a bit then returns to topic after 18:10

Round Objects starts - https://www.dailymotion.com/video/x5tc4jk?start=384
Returns to topic - https://www.dailymotion.com/video/x5tc4jk?start=1090

I had small drop outs in the video/audio but that may have been due to my PC/connection.

It's on youtube with a severely cropped video frame if the dropouts on dailymotion persist and are too annoying.

starts - https://youtu.be/w7KCB6cRruc?t=384
returns to topic - https://youtu.be/w7KCB6cRruc?t=1090

The 10 funniest ever Yes Minister moments
https://www.telegraph.co.uk/tv/0/the-10-funniest-ever-yes-minister-moments/

[downsizer]

The cynic is me says that just shows either how few are left in the Air Force or how few actually get promoted! It reminds me of the mid 90's when to even gt on teh board you needed 3 9's and a spec rec per year for the last five years.....

Perhaps.

But it is still a nice personal touch, in what has become a rather faceless, uncaring corporate organisation. He doesn't have to do it!

[langleybaston]

Except he didn’t, it was a schoolgirl, Catherine Winkworth who submitted it as a joke to Punch - which as ever since been attributed to the general himself.


https://cimg2.ibsrv.net/gimg/pprune.org-vbulletin/2000x536/18440518_peccavi_punch_6dd8166346a7f2775b35153848f9736b85390 408.jpg


Hence my "reputed" qv.

[AR1]

In messing comments book circa 1979.

"General Sameness of comestibles"

Some things just stick with you.

[PPRuNeUser0139]

In similar vein, an unforgettable comment in the Messing Suggestions book in the O Mess at RAF Lossiemouth in or around 1974:
"I wish to suggest that the Mess consider the provision of a cover for the cheese board as a crust is forming on the cheese that even the flies have difficulty in penetrating.."

[KG86]

I was leading a formation of 4 Chinooks on a navex in Germany, and we had booked ourselves into Coleman US Army Airfield (Mannheim) for a refuel. Good old Strike Command issued fresh random formation callsigns every few weeks and, on that day, we were 'Corncrake'.

As we approached Coleman, my NH called the formation across to their Tower frequency, and the following exchange took place:

Chins - 'Coleman, this is Corncrake Formation'.

Tower - 'Errr, is that Corncrisp information?' [giggling amongst crew]

Chins - 'Negative, Corncrake Formation.'

Tower - 'Err, understand Cornflake Information?' [guffawing amongst crew]

Chins - 'Never mind, 4 RAF CH47s, 5 miles to the South, to join'.

Tower - 'Ah Roger RAF CH47s, you are clear to join.'

The controller was clearly not an ornithologist.

[MPN11]

It’s a Cereal problem when dealing with US Mil ;)

[2 TWU]

Female fighter controller at Boulmer to a Lightning:-

"Keep a good lookout, you are entering my dark area"

"I'll be careful"

[Haraka]

From a female Air Trafficker at Wildenrath in the early 70's to an aircraft on approach ( a Hercules IIRC) :

" Overshoot!........I've just had an abortion in the middle of the runway."

[BEagle]

In the OM foyer at RAF Valley, a glass-topped cabinet held the Visitors Book, signed only by VIPs. The pages would be turned at various intervals to show who had visited.

One day, the page in view read 'Philip' (yes, that one) and underneath 'To all my mates on XXX course'.

It was there for a few days until the PMC spotted it. Outraged, he summoned the course leader and demanded an explanation, pointing at the Visitors Book with fury.

"Oh, sorry sir - let me fix it" said the course leader. Whereupon he opened the cabinet, ripped out the offending page and tore it up. Needless to say, the PMC went into low Earth orbit at this piece of vandalism. Then he notice that the rest of the course were killing themselves with laughter - the offending page had actually been a carefully planted Xerox copy of the real one with Phil-the-Greek's signature and had been skilfully inserted.

The PMC failed to appreciate the joke - I gather a few course members 'volunteered' for extra Orderly Officer duty as a result.

[diginagain]

The Trafalgar Way is the name given to the route used to carry dispatches with the news of the Battle of Trafalgar overland from Falmouth to the Admiralty in London. The first messenger with news of the historic battle was Lieutenant Lapenotiere, of HMS Pickle, who reached Falmouth on the 4th November, 1805.

Lapenotiere made 21 stops to change horses on his 37 hour 271 miles journey by post chaise from Falmouth to London and he changed horses at Truro, Fraddon, Bodmin, Launceston, Okehampton, Crockernwell, Exeter, Honiton, Axminster, Bridport, Dorchester, Blandford Forum, Woodyates, Salisbury, Andover, Overton, Basingstoke, Hartfordbridge, Bagshot, Staines and Hounslow.

Lt Lapenotiere’s message, which he placed in the hand of the First Sea Lord read;


“Contact, wait out!”

[treadigraph]

Blimey, no wonder the Admiralty developed the semaphore line to Portsmouth!

[622]

He would still beat Network Rail /SW Trains... :cool:

[Traffic_Is_Er_Was]

Lucky the reply wasn't "Repeat please".

[NutLoose]

Storno handsets used on the line at BZN late 80's, every summer when the weather was right, nothing but an Italian taxi firms broadcasts coming over it... utter gibberish and even worse than the usual gibberish we got for the rest of the year.

[Haraka]

Interesting Nutloose. On RAFG Harrier force in the 70's we had one sky-wave which caused our Stornos late one afternoon to put us in 2-way contact with a group of Chicago Taxi Drivers. I think both groups increased their span of vocabulary as a result.......

[rcsa]

Not aviation-related... and may get modded-out... but in a 'best messages ever' thread, this is too good not to share.

From the British Ambassador in Moscow, to Lord Pembroke at the Foreign Office, dated 6th April 1943. A bad time to be in Moscow.

https://cimg3.ibsrv.net/gimg/pprune.org-vbulletin/410x630/sirarchi_copy_5f3f79dbf6da4a258599b4a3649d56a8ad0e69c7.jpg

[ORAC]

Female fighter controller at Boulmer to a Lightning:- “Keep a good lookout, you are entering my dark area"

"I'll be careful" Kate L***y, IRRC.

From a female Air Trafficker at Wildenrath in the early 70's to an aircraft on approach ( a Hercules IIRC) :

" Overshoot!........I've just had an abortion in the middle of the runway." I believe it was a certain well endowed ATC Controller in the tower at Coltishall named Gay. The pilot had to overshoot as he laughing to much and do another circuit before landing.

[Fareastdriver]

Back in Borneo we sometimes we had a sky wave which would have us mixing it with the Americans in Viet Nam.

One day one of us was passing his departure from a clearing when this American voice shouted at him to get off the frequency and didn't he know that there was a war on.

"Yes," our hero said, "but we're winning ours."

[ROC man]

On breach of the Mohne dam - n*****

[scarecrow450]

Ref BZN Storno at Cottesmore on hot summer days we could pick up BZN VASF Section swearing on the storno, I rang their VASF up once to say we could hear them, oh yeah ? prove it, ok someone just said the effing valley hawk is inbound ! oh yeah ok fair point !

[ORAC]

HF skip was a funny thing. There was the occasion the Whirlwind crew doing training in Limassol Bay found themselves chatting with the Whirlwind di the same exercise in Hong Kong harbour.

[NutLoose]

I found the code book sheet buried in some drawer that we were supposed to use at Brize for the ground runs but no one ever did and most didn't even know it existed, I cannot remember them, but it went something like this is aircraft 12 on bay c requesting the trade 7 to the aircraft please, at which point you could almost hear the WTF is he talking about? :E

The Tens were like two numbers on from the last two in the serial.

[NutLoose]

Shame we couldn't have linked them all up, I know the Italians learnt some new words as well, you would call up asking for something for the crew and get a bunch of Italians berating us in Italian for using their taxi frequency, as for the line a 100 yards away, they heard nothing,



..

[NutLoose]

The most impressive I have seen was in Gibraltar, the line was a considerable distance from the office and we needed some Nitrogen bottles, not having any radios I walked over to the FRA guys who were on the next pan with a Hunter, nope we haven't got any either, but not a problem, he walks out to the side of the aircraft, and starts waving his arms about, distant office door opens. out comes a chap, waves his arms about too and the guy I was chatting then comes back and says the bottles are on their way... damned handy this semaphore lark, he says wiith a grin.

[Wensleydale]

Some Naval planning chap decided to use the FOST complan for an exercise off Scotland - reasoning that the two fleets would not be in line of sight of each other...unfortunately he hadn't reckoned on an E-3 joining in on the FOST weekly war off Portland. Equally unfortunately, said planner had used the same callsigns to be used on the Hebrides fleet as those in use by FOST. Joining the Anti-Air Warfare Net caused a degree of confusion for the northern fleet as an unexpected AEW asset joined them on frequency, but they assumed that this was a staff inject and so off they went - unfortunately also using the same crypto set. Within a few minutes total confusion reigned as both fleets joined into the same L11 net with all sides claiming of comms jamming and so on. Eventually, the penny dropped as the E-3 took on the main data link duties and the ships positions were noted although they were running the same Data Link plan as well and ships positions began "jumping" between the Channel and Scotland. We eventually moved to an orbit further south to drop the northern fleet beyond line of sight (although the HF nets continued to cause trouble for the rest of the serial so we binned them). It was an interesting misrep sent back to Group, info Navy that night.

[MPN11]

War on two fronts has always been a problem.

[NutLoose]

It wasn't unknown at Bruggen because you knew people on the Sqns to phone up the oppositions HAS's on the HAS system and say can you tell Cpl XYZ to go to HAS 15, often you would get the reply, he is in HAS 5. so you would call HAS 5 and send him on his way, this would while away our bored hours.. :)

[hunterboy]

Sounds like proper training for the real thing....