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Best Messages Ever

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Best Messages Ever

Old 21st Sep 2018, 17:28
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Best Messages Ever

Back in the days before computers ruined everything information was passed by message and held in the ubiquitous "message log". Saw many great ones but my all time favorite was sent by the Captain of my small Coast Patrol ship to Naval Headquarters. It was in response to a message instigated by some Bin Rat in the bowels of the Logistic section castigating us for not promptly repling to a request for information on the annual jam consumption in our messes ( I shyte thee not).

I was a young Lt on my first go as an XO. As soon as I saw the message my head exploded and I went to see the Captain with a red haze in my eyes. He said calm down I will take care of this, Stand down !

His reply message said

" Your request to increase the administrative burden of this unit is denied"
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Old 21st Sep 2018, 17:45
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BPE, I am reminded of the Dennis Hedley take on such stats. If someone asks the question they don't know the answer. As they don't know the answer they won't know if you make the my numbers up.

At ASI there was a request to know tonnage and pax numbers carried to FI by the air bridge. The movers had a 6 month gap and asked us in Ops of we had the figures. I gave them some realistic figures and they departed happy and sent them to Northwood. They went white when I told them however I had guessed what they were for.

it was for Hesletine to thank the Air Bridge crews with the start of T* services to MPA. All he need was X thousand troops and Y hundred tins of freight.

Last edited by Pontius Navigator; 21st Sep 2018 at 18:59.
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Old 21st Sep 2018, 17:57
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Always a favourite: Letter from the Duke of Wellington dispatched from Spain in Aug 1812:

Gentlemen,

Whilst marching from Portugal to a position which commands the approach to Madrid and the French forces, my officers have been diligently complying with your requests which have been sent by H.M. ship from London to Lisbon and thence by dispatch to our headquarters. We have enumerated our saddles, bridles, tents and tent poles, and all manner of sundry items for which His Majesty's Government holds me accountable. I have dispatched reports on the character, wit, and spleen of every officer. Each item and every farthing has been accounted for, with two regrettable exceptions for which I beg your indulgence.

Unfortunately the sum of one shilling and ninepence remains unaccounted for in one infantry battalion's petty cash and there has been a hideous confusion as the the number of jars of raspberry jam issued to one cavalry regiment during a sandstorm in western Spain. This reprehensible carelessness may be related to the pressure of circumstance, since we are war with France, a fact which may come as a bit of a surprise to you gentlemen in Whitehall.

This brings me to my present purpose, which is to request elucidation of my instructions from His Majesty's Government so that I may better understand why I am dragging an army over these barren plains. I construe that perforce it must be one of two alternative duties, as given below. I shall pursue either one with the best of my ability, but I cannot do both:

1. To train an army of uniformed British clerks in Spain for the benefit of the accountants and copy-boys in London or, perchance,

2. To see to it that the forces of Napoleon are driven out of Spain.

Your most obedient servant,

Wellington
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Old 21st Sep 2018, 18:22
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My late Uncle John was a 2nd Lieutenant in the Royal Artillery in December 1941. He was posted as 2i/c a small Royal Artillery unit in the Outer Hebrides. The unit consisted of a Captain (RA), himself, a Sergeant, a Lance Bombardier and 4 Gunners. In December 1941 the Captain went on leave, leaving Uncle John as acting CO.

During the night of the 9th of December he was awakened by someone banging on the Nissan hut door. On opening the door he faced a fisherman from the main Island bearing a message from the War Office.

The message read "Commence hostilities against Japan immediately".

Being keen (and green) he strapped on his Webley, aroused his sleeping Force (all 6 of them) and ordered Guard Patrols.

After an hour of sea watching (at midnight) he realised how pointless it all was, so he sent the Guard Force to bed with the words "It's too dark. We'll start the new war in the morning".
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Old 21st Sep 2018, 18:37
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My best messages were the letters on blue paper that started:
You will be pleased to know you have been provisionally selected for promotion to the substantive rank of ...
I will now shut up, and allow better and more relevant humour to prevail!
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Old 21st Sep 2018, 18:41
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Send three and fourpence; we are going to a dance.
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Old 21st Sep 2018, 18:50
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Talking

Originally Posted by MPN11 View Post
My best messages were the letters on blue paper that started:

I will now shut up, and allow better and more relevant humour to prevail!
Unless of course you had got security of a better job and were selected for Redundancy/Happiness in Tranche 1
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Old 21st Sep 2018, 19:00
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In a Service Writing class in the early 70s, the instructor told us to compose a message to a person who was on leave, but had to be recalled to duty rapidly. Naturally, Service Writing is required to be concise.

The best message from the class was:

"RTB RFN"
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Old 21st Sep 2018, 19:10
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Originally Posted by reds & greens View Post
Unless of course you had got security of a better job and were selected for Redundancy/Happiness in Tranche 1
We were both happily 'Redunded' as NATO OF-4/wg cdr, never worked again, and have spent the last 20 years or so travelling!
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Old 21st Sep 2018, 19:22
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I am told that when the mighty Belslow was sent off to the East on an early trip, having finally struggled up to around FL150 and 230 KTAS in mid-France, a message was sent back to Arsecoat Ops which read: "Proceeding eastwards at a sedate pace. No signs of scurvy amongst the crew!"
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Old 21st Sep 2018, 22:21
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Originally Posted by MPN11 View Post
We were both happily 'Redunded' as NATO OF-4/wg cdr, never worked again, and have spent the last 20 years or so travelling!
Now that was, wrt the op, quite jammy indeed!
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Old 21st Sep 2018, 22:40
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and the winner is BEagle....

Twas in the control tower at Clark AFB during a very big recovery of F-4's and an inbound VIP VC-135 tries to join the pattern. My tower controller friend tells him to go-around and maybe another due traffic! THe response was "Don't you realise that we have 3 stars on board?" Reply 'well take him with you!'.....all OK until a call on the phone from a bleating type from the Command Post. The General was flying the aircraft!
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Old 22nd Sep 2018, 06:57
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Best message received?

"Endex"!
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Old 22nd Sep 2018, 07:48
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Back in 1959: the Captain of HMS Ulster sent a signal to MOD(N) claiming the altitude record for a RN warship as he was at 600ft amsl in the St Lawrence Seaway!
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Old 22nd Sep 2018, 08:07
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A friend of my father was captain of a Landing Craft attempting to moor at Thurso harbour in the '40s. Unfortunately, before the craft had been secured alongside, the prow had collided with a bus on the quayside. Message to RN ops: I have the honour to report that my craft, whilst under weigh at sea, collided with an omnibus ...
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Old 22nd Sep 2018, 10:27
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"Government Paper" adorned every shiny hard sheet of the stuff, as if anyone would want to steal it, and the only Governmental white paper ever worth a sh*te
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Old 22nd Sep 2018, 10:29
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Originally Posted by Ascend Charlie View Post
In a Service Writing class in the early 70s, the instructor told us to compose a message to a person who was on leave, but had to be recalled to duty rapidly. Naturally, Service Writing is required to be concise.

The best message from the class was:

"RTB RFN"
RTB was used pre Falklands build up to get the guys back to Odious.
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Old 22nd Sep 2018, 10:30
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Originally Posted by MPN11 View Post
My best messages were the letters on blue paper that started:

I will now shut up, and allow better and more relevant humour to prevail!
Sadly said blue letters are no more - they went as cost/morale saving a good few years ago - they were very welcome messages and a nice pat on ththe back from a VSO when you got a personal handwritten one. I found out my last promotion by an instant message from a friend at Air who was under the impression I’d already been told when he congratulated me! I guess that still counts as a ‘best message’ as long as you can guarantee it’s not a wind up.
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Old 22nd Sep 2018, 10:56
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Originally Posted by Melchett01 View Post


I found out my last promotion by an instant message from a friend at Air who was under the impression I’d already been told when he congratulated me! I guess that still counts as a ‘best message’ as long as you can guarantee it’s not a wind up.
On promotion to deputy head, pre-texting, I waited anxiously for news (eventually sitting staring at the phone at the foot of the stairs), only to have my current boss and a governor phone and congratulate me. They were horrified to be told that I hadn't been! Act surprised, the boss said. At 7pm, I looked up my soon to be new head in a paper phone book, and rang him. "You got the job, boy, well done. But haven't you listened to your answerphone messages- I rang you at 4pm?"

He really was shaken when I told him I had no answerphone!

Biggest pay rise in my life, £17k up to £23k in 1993

CG
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Old 22nd Sep 2018, 11:35
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Originally Posted by BEagle View Post
I am told that when the mighty Belslow was sent off to the East on an early trip, having finally struggled up to around FL150 and 230 KTAS in mid-France, a message was sent back to Arsecoat Ops which read: "Proceeding eastwards at a sedate pace. No signs of scurvy amongst the crew!"
These tales get modified with the telling of course, but the contemporaneous version put him over the Turkish Mountains, having delayed for a week or two in Cyprus awaiting a mandatory VMC forecast on that part of the CENTO route, during the Belslow's hot and high trials. His HF message then was reported as, "Am forging East, crew scurvy free, God Save the Queen!". There was follow up administrative action I believe. My all time favourite too!
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