“Anonymous Keying of the Mic” Tales Old and New

[Q-RTF-X]

“Anonymous Keying of the Mic”

Must be a million out there, original and variations on a theme; over the years I have had more than a few good chuckles and wondered what PPRuNers could bring to the table – lets have some light hearted humour !
My opener follows.....
Long long time ago in Dubai (single runway days) I was sitting at my desk with VHF scanner chuntering in the background; there had already been some media attention surrounding the fact BA were transporting two rare apes (orang-utans) from the orient to UK. Scanner caught my attention as the outbound flight sector DXB/LHR (let’s call it Speedbird 123) was taxiing out with whoever was doing the R/T getting a little caught up with the moment.....


DXB ATC
“Speedbird 123 – your souls on board please”

SPEEDBIRD 123
“One Eight Five Pax, Zero Niner Crew and Zero Two Apes”.

ANONYMOUS KEY OF THE MIC
“Crew Training again Chaps ???”

:)

[Roadster280]

"I'm a Happy Bear"

"I'm a Happy Bear too"

"I'm a Happy bear also"

"All stations, this is is 0A, maintain strict radio discipline"

"He's not a Happy Bear"

[Sandy Parts]

AEO (with failed 'tels' but working 'mic') on crew intercom at full shouted volume "I CAN'T HEAR MYSELF"
Laid-back (sadly departed) TacNav "aren't you the lucky one"..

[Wander00]

Student practising aeros, falls out of loop "You cnut" he accidentally transmits.


"Aircraft calling Cranwell what is your callsign?"


"I'm not that much of a cnut!"

[FrustratedFormerFlie]

I guess one of us has to...

Lovely night, sky twinkling with string of anti-colls blinking their way around a triangle in Lincolnshire area

"I'm pissed off with this Air Force"

"Station calling Cranwell, say again your callsign?"

"I'm sooo pissed off with this Air Force"

"Station calling Cranwell, say your callsign"

"God I'm pissed off with this Air Force"

"Station calling Cranwell, say your callsign immediately"

"I'm not THAT pissed off with this Air Force!":=

[jonw66]

Roadster I believe that may have been at a secret helicopter base in NI.
Same base intrepid Swift pilot called up asking for 1000lbs for his Wessex. Lynx pilot replies seems like a good deal

[Madbob]

Taceval at Wattisham in early 80's, picture an "elephant walk" of F4's from 23 and 56 squadrons aping a survival scramble wending their way to 23......

Anon tx "I'm bored"

Response..."me too"

Response..."and me"

etc. etc.

Tx from Twr...."WTM combine this is supposed to be a covert scramble"......

I could hardly keep a straight face!

MB


Another one I overheard was a flight of A10's checking in on freq.

"Spud check-in"

"2 potato, 3 potato, 4 potato"

"Wattisham, Spud formation, fight of 4 A10's with you......."

Slight delay before ATC reply as they recover from laughing....

MB

[jayteeto]

As funny as these are, you could just cut and paste the ATC humour thread which has years and years of these quotes. Most of the above have appeared multiple times on that as well. :O

[Davita]

BA taxying behind Lufthansa at LHR.
ATC advise BA to go around Lufti to enable slot time.
Lufti to ATC "Vy Speedbird go front of Lufthansa"
reply from ?
"Early this morning they put towels at the end of the R/W!"

"In resorts.... Germans are famous for sending one of their group to reserve best location pool chairs."

[27mm]

York MTA late 70s: "Resign formation check"
Linton radar: "Station calling, say again call sign"
JPs: "Resign - you know, as in PVR..."

[langleybaston]

Met Office Topcliffe, ringing around other Met Offices for perfectly good but forgotten reason.

Reply:

"Watton here"

"Piss-poor here too!"

As Max Boyce says "I was there!"

[Darvan]

Large formation waiting for launch on JMC. Been waiting for ages at cockpit readiness.

Formation wingman (may even have been the leader): " God, I'm 'kin bored!"

ATC: "This is SATCO, will the person using abusive language on R/T please say their call sign?"

"I said I am,'kin bored, not 'kin stupid!"

[26er]

Probably an apocryphal story, but - at Chicago having been told that there was a delay in departure clearance, 50 or so in the queue, the controller announced a further delay. "****" says voice on r/t. "Aircraft using profane language, identify yourself" declares controller. "Speedbird 123, it was not me who said "****" ". "Air France 234, I certainly didn't say "merde" ". "Lufthansa 345, I also didn't say "sheisse" " etc. etc.

[Busta]

Slightly off piste.

Pushback complete from the Bravos at STN, request taxi.

ATC "hold position, follow the 146 left to right when clear".

Soon afterwards F100 appears left to right; I enquire "is that 146 a Fokker".

Much hilarity and sniggering, we then proceed to PMI.

Nothing matters very much, most things don't matter at all.

[Boudreaux Bob]

New Ops Officer takes charge and first noticeable effect was a constant demand by Ops Radio for Mission Status Updates so the S-3 could think he had some effect on things. We had been quite used to taking care of our own coordination while out working our very long days. Each Aircraft Commander kept up with how the other guys were doing and pitched in to help anyone that needed it.

Finally, one afternoon late, after the umpteenth demand for updates, and a couple of the Aircraft being out of radio range of Ops....came the repeated demand for relays.

Relaying Aircraft Commander advised his Mate that Ops was calling and wanted a mission update. He used the phrase "Mother wants to know what you are doing!"

The Ops Officer, who wore a Necktie simply to keep his foreskin choked down, was heard yelling into the handset "All Aircraft....do not call Operations "Mother"!".

As one would guess.....every aircraft on the Net responded "Yes, Mother!".

The Ops Officer nearly needed medical attention before the chorus stopped.

[ShyTorque]

Wavering Jet Provost student pilot's voice:
"Mayday, Mayday, practice Mayday!"

Annoyed QFI's voice, same transmission:
"You ****ing idiot!"
_____________

ATC: "Air France ***, what are your present in flight conditions?"

AF: "We are in and out of ze bottoms...."

Unknown: "Vive Le sport!"
_____________

Airline pilot, just having been given landing clearance by female ATC controller and having failed to re select internal comms and mistakenly thinking he was now addressing cabin crew:

"Ladies, if you would all like to sit down for our landing...."

ATC: "We are sitting down!"

[GreenKnight121]

Another one I overheard was a flight of A10's checking in on freq.

"Spud check-in"

"2 potato, 3 potato, 4 potato"

"Wattisham, Spud formation, fight of 4 A10's with you......."

Slight delay before ATC reply as they recover from laughing....

MB

Must have been the Idaho Air National Guard.

[teeteringhead]

I was responsible for generating some once. 'Twas again at the secret NI helicopter base, which was cunningly disguised as an International Airport.

The previous evening I'd been royally entertained by our RN exchange officer (now sadly deceased) and his lovely wife - who was an air trafficker.

I was wending my way outbound Route 3 (in the words of the song) in the mighty Wessex, and said lovely wife was working Zone (120.0 IIRC). As I cleared frequency, I added: ".... and thank you for a wonderful time last night!"

Cue lots of anonymous inappropriate comments........... :E

[LOMCEVAK]

Back in the day:

Honington Approach: "Blue lead, what is your impression of the cloudbase?"

Blue Lead: "Blue lead, sorry, I don't do impressions!"

Deathly silence.

I was in the formation and I could name 'Blue Lead' but I won't.

[CoffmanStarter]

The old ones are still the best ...

http://i1004.photobucket.com/albums/af162/CoffmanStarter/ScreenShot2014-05-31at153528_zpse69bc9b9.png

I know it's been posted before :)

[KPax]

Another old one; JEDI check,2,3,4 London Jedi, Jedi London identified are you.

[ExAscoteer]

Albert outbound from Lyneham on a spring day, attempting to make FL140 by Compton, working London Centre.

Delta Airlines jet inbound to Heathrow asks:

"Say ma'am, what are all those yellow fields down there?"

Cue the response from my Captain C**** B***** :

"Chinese golf courses."

[ShotOne]

ATC to AirUK over Brecon "in half a minute a speed bird Concorde will be passing 2000' above you"

Air UK. "So?"

[BBadanov]

Remember back in the day we would cruise in Canberras at FL 480?
In the 1960s, one RAAF Canberra pilot with a stutter (Mike Rid-----) was transitting to Darwin...

"Ground station, B-b-buckshot t-t-t-two-two, M-m-mount Isa at f-f-four f-f-five, FL 480, K-k-katherine at th-th-three th-th-three."

Speedbird 123: "My goodness Buckshot, it must be bloody cold up there!"

Buckshot 22: "I might be b-b-bloody c-c-cold, but at least I'm n-n-not a b-b-bloody Pom!"

[brakedwell]

Japan Airlines DC 8 inbound to Honolulu is transferred from HF to the VHF area frequency.

First transmission "This is Japanair 123 on 124.8 good morning, request permission to land Hickam."

ATC - "Japanair 123, Hickam is the air force facility, you will be landing at Honolulu International."

"Japanair 123 request permission land Hickam."

ATC - "Japanair, I say again, Hickam is the air force facility, you will be landing at Honolulu International"

"Japanair 123, request permission land Hickam, cannot say Honorruru."

[Davita]

One day Manila to Hong Kong....Captain said "OK Dave, make the speech"
Caught a little off guard I picked up the mic and said. 'Morning Ladies and Gentlemen...we are currently flying over the South China Morning Post"

I meant Sea but it got a laugh..so the Flight Attendant told me.

[Firestreak]

Many years ago, 2 JPs in the circuit at Linton, one was the CI with stude on chop ride, the other 2 X QFIs on SCT.

QFIs call downwind, unfortunately the Tx button sticks in. The following discussion of firstly the stude's chance of passing the chop check (no chance at all) and then the QFI's view of the new CI (not favourable) went public.

A mixed outcome, stude got a second chance but did fail, QFIs got a weeks SDO each.

[Exascot]

Flying VIPs into secret! NI airfield we would change call signs entering into the FIR from the Ascot call sign. They were apparently randomly generated by computer.

'Approach, good morning 'Lemon 1' with you FL100.'

ATC: 'Lemon 1, who comes up with these silly call signs?'

[HTB]

In the days when we had lots of Vulcans, en-route from Gosse Bay to Offut, overheard a sister sqn dialogue with ATC along the lines of "RAFAIR123, say altitude; short pause, then the reply 'altidude'...slightly longer pause, then 'RAFAIR123, say 'violation'..." It doesn't pay to be a smartass in someone elses airspace.

Mister B

[BOAC]

421 CAF Baden-Soellingen (Redskins) checking in
"Redskin 2"
"Redskin3"
..............

[KPax]

Heard some years ago at Lyneham, Exam 45 turn heading, CAS 12 o clock 10 miles. Repeated at 5 miles and 3 miles. Controller next says, Exam 45 adopt the callsign Failed 45 now inside CAS.

[Ashling]

2 x TWU Hawks doing some staff ACT. 1 Hawk has a non aircrew pax along for the ride.

"Somehow" the pax ejects part way through a fight.

Noticing the loud bang, lack of canopy and long black pole sticking up his pilot transmits

"knock it off, knock it off, knock it off, my rear sweaters just banged out"

without pause his opponent replies

"Ok but shouldn't that have been stop, stop stop"

For those not familiar stop stop stop is a way to end the fight due to an emergency or non normal event knock it off is just a routine end to things.

[Basil]

Leeming 1966.
Leeming JP: "LJP, err, FL 950 err, request rejoin."
ATC (Quick as a flash): "LJP, fire retro rockets now. Splashdown will be in Osmotherley Reservoir!"

[ACW599]

[I]Leeming JP: "LJP, err, FL 950 err, request rejoin."
ATC (Quick as a flash): "LJP, fire retro rockets now. Splashdown will be in Osmotherley Reservoir!"

Or in similar vein, on my UAS in about 1973:

"[Chipmunk c/s] downstream to land"
ATC: "[Chipmunk c/s] clear splashdown"

[Bob Viking]

Once perhaps. Nowadays a routine end is "terminate" and an emergency is "knock it off". Pretty standard across NATO. Not wishing to detract from your quote though!
BV:E:ok:

[BOAC]

Fox 3 or 4 in my day.............frequently:)

[Fox3WheresMyBanana]

You rang, M'lud? ;)

My favourite was not anonymous, but happened on a Sunday(!) at Benbecula (normally RAF Sleepy Hollow) after the Andrew cancelled our Atlantic exercise just after the tanker, so our 4 ship split for a general Western Isles wazzex for a couple of hours.
We called Benny up for a "low approach":E, apparently shortly after another of our formation had just done the same.
Just as we departed, ATC called (without callsign)
"That was bloody brilliant! And you just drowned out the Station Commander telephoning to complain about the last one!"

[Dominator2]

BV,

You have missed the point of the story. Just because in the past 20 years the RAF has chosen to fall in line with USAF speak.
That does remind me of a TWU 4 ship of Hunters at Brawdy. During a stream t/o the No3 suffered an engine failure soon after airborne. The pilot ejected successfully. ATC transmitted "Tartan Lead - Your No3 has just ejected" To which came the reply "Roger Tartan, Renumber". note: Of course that was in the days when renumbering of formation callsigns whilst airborne was acceptable.

[reynoldsno1]

Night time in the Gibraltar Straits. Nimrod at 1000ft stooging around in close support to fleet - all dark and all quiet, though we can see HMS Charybdis (Cherry B) and Penelope (Penny Lope).
Flightdeck to Port Lookout - "One of them ships is showing a light"
PL - "Yep"
FD to PL - "One of them ships is signalling - can yer read what they're saying PL"
PL - "Wait one ...."
PL - "It's Penelope to Cherry B - you are showing a light..."
FD - "Good"
30 seconds ....
FD - "They're signalling again ..."
PL - "Yep, wait one...."
PL - "It's Penelope to Cherry B - you are now showing two lights ..."
FD - "Cherry B's signalling now"
PL - "Yep, wait one ...."
PL - " Second light is search party looking for first light ..."

[chevvron]

Northern Radar, Lindholme, civil console c1973;
ATC: EI 153 what's your height and position?
EI 153: Oim six foot tree and oim up the front.

ATC: Lufthansa 869, there is air defence traffic in your 11 o'clock range 10 miles, continue on present heading and it will be kept clear.(This was the second time he'd been warned of AD traffic)
LH 869: Are you STILL fighting der battle of Britain?

[Wensleydale]

I have been told that shortly after the introduction of "'allo, 'allo" to BBC television, the French ATC services wrote to London asking why British pilots had started checking in with the phrase "Good Moaning".

[Flypro]

Sea Prince on short finals to Culdrose many many moons ago, pilot with a very bad stutter.

549 FFFFF..FFFinals......THTHTHTH..THree GRGRGR.......Fcuk it, going around.

[Pom Pax]

Shortly after the introduction of the NATO phonetic alphabet a WWII trained copilot.
Don't know how much of the 2nd attempt was transmitted as I only heard it on the intercom.

Luqa, Rafair Foxtrot Romeo sss sss

Luqa, Rafair Foxtrot Romeo...... what the f... is S

3rd attempt successful.

[Bob Viking]

Dominator.
Thanks. I got it. I was merely pointing out that it had now changed. I thought I made it reasonably clear in my first post but apparently not!
BV

[Audax]

This thread would not be complete without some of the hoary oldies, I'll start the ball rolling:-

Female fighter controller "L19, be advised you're entering my dark area"
L19 "I'll be careful"

"L19, you've got a bogey on your nose"
"Hang on, I'll just wipe it off"

[Pure Pursuit]

F3 pulls up alongside VC10 post tanking. Nav places an open copy of Razzle on the canopy, "Tartan 41, can you see a crack in my windscreen?"

Unphased VC10 pilot, "No, but I can see a cnut in the cockpit..."

[langleybaston]

for "dark area" I heard "fringe zone"

[Ashling]

Capa Del Frasca weapons range on Sardinia. The Range Control Tower was in a slightly unusual location that, on occasion, led to the odd wayward practise bomb getting a bit close

The story occur's some time ago, SOP's may subsequently have changed. Also these are not the only SOP's, others may now be available .....

A 4 ship starts up for a jaunt to the range, we'll call them London. 1 jet, say London 3, has a snag so is dlelayed.

The remaining 3 pitch up at the range and begin their weaponry practise. They let range control know the remaining jet may pitch up later. After a while 1 of them drops a practise bomb a touch closer to range control than was desirable so range control send him home.

"London 2, you a bomba me, you go home now"

Tail between his legs London 2 departs on his way home. Then, showing commendable SA, he realises London 3 has still not turned up. So having gone a respectable distance he turns around and calls for join as "London 3" only to hear the response

"It's a no good, I recognisa your voice, you try to bomba me, you still go home"



My apologies to any Italian friends for trying to represent an accent in words.

[Ashling]

Same caveats as above

Our hero pitch's up at an American Naval Air Base leading some others

Having done a bit of research into American military aviation he has heard that a "pitch to the closed pattern" is the same as a run in and break.

So on contacting tower he asks for a "pitch to the closed pattern"

Tower ask him to repeat the request which he does but tower say they don't understand what he means. As the circuit is empty they clear him for "whatever manoeuvre it was he had in mind. A dangerous thing to say in itself.

Failing to take full advantage of ATC's offer our hero leads a low run in and break. On roll out ATC ask.

ATC "Sir, can you tell us what that manoeuvre is called in your Air Force"

Hero "it's known as a run in and break"

ATC "well you know what Sir, in the United States Navy, we call it the same thing"

It seems pitch to the closed pattern is an US Airforce thing. A little knowledge etc ...

[jonathon68]

Philippines FIR, back in the "good old days" there were some low level way-points which had slightly non-politically correct names. My favourite's were NIPIL and SEXEY.

FEDEX to Manila female controller.

"Manila... if we call you aaa.. SEXEY... can we proceed direct NIPIL?" :D

Very long silence during which there was a lot of sniggering on many flight decks. :8

Manila male controller eventually responds (obviously with a grin on his face)

"FEDEX.. your request is declined, continue flight plan route"

A year or so later, the local fun Police renamed all the way-points

[MPN11]

No transcript, but another stuck Tx that went something like ...

"Manby J23 FL150 for QGH."
"J23 ... blah blah blah"
"Roger Manby, blah blah blah ... Oh Christ, its that stupid bitch R***** on Approach today, keep your eyes open ... "

[Pontius Navigator]

421 CAF Baden-Soellingen (Redskins) checking in
"Redskin 2"
"Redskin3"
..............

Snap.

At school, PEd, ex-para, had two teams - one with a coloured ribbon in lieu of a shirt and one without - hot day. He then numbered us off:

One skin, two skin, three skin, four!

[26er]

Somehow two aircraft end up nose to nose on the taxiway and female controller goes bananas, ranting and raving non stop. When finally she has to take a breath a querulous voice asks "Ma'am, wasn't I married to you at one time?"

[AtomKraft]

Lufty inbound to LCY one November 5, not long ago.

'Lufthansa 123, Thames ve see many pyrotechnic discharges below us'

Thames radar 'Nothing to worry about, Lufthansa, local celebrations, Guy Fawkes night etc'

'Lufthansa 123, Ach gut. Ve sought zey ver shooting at us.........again'.

[A2QFI]

In the early 60s a very senior Pan Am captain got lost, taxying in at Frankfurt. ATC asked, somewhat sarcastically, PanAm 827 - are you not familiar with Frankfurt? Reply "Yes but last time I was here it was dark and I wasn't carrying passengers!"

[hoodie]

If it was dark, he was RAF not USAAF :ok:

Anyway, the original version had him as a BA pilot. "...and I didn't stop!" :}

[Fly26]

Very recently in Juba between an increasingly overloaded Tower controller and an Australian caravan pilot on the landing rollout....

TWR: "xxxx expedite vacating runway, landing traffic"

Caravan: "roger"

Literally a couple of seconds later;

TWR: "xxxx I say again expedite vacating"

Caravan pilot (said with a nice twang) : "if I taxi any faster I'll take off again"

Who ever you are you gave us a good chuckle that day...:)

[BEagle]

At the covert Oxonian aerodrome, it was normal to pass your 'Decision Height, Intentions and Further Intentions' when beacon outbound on an instrument approach - e.g. "Ascot ***, beacon outbound, decision 200 ft, roll for further ILS".

One day we were sharing the fun with one of the Jurassic Park mob (241 OCU AT instructors) in another jet. As he went outbound, he called "Beacon outbound, decision 200 ft"

To which ATC requested "What are your intentions and further?"

Which was a bit unfortunate, because the Jurassic Park QFI was a well-known monocular ex-Jag pilot, noted for his rather lengthy RT calls.... As expected, over the next half-minute, he proceeded to describe every event he intended to carry out for the next half-hour or so..."Well, after the ILS we'll roll and then a couple of visual circuits, followed by a SID Bravo to establish in the hold for a seat swap, then we'd like to route to the GST at FL40 for a couple of NDB holds...yack....yack....yack...."

This was too good to miss. As he finally shut up, a little devil prompted me to press the tit and call "Ascot ***, Brize Radar, say again please". And bless him, dear old Blunty promptly repeated his endless RT monologue in full, stopping just short of telling everyone what he was going to have for lunch. As he released the Tx key, there was an icy silence followed by "Thank you, Ascot ***, I think we got it that time......"

[Pure Pursuit]

A few years ago, at an airfield not too far from Abu Dhabi, some RAF Typhoons are due to depart and head back to blighty.

One of the Typhoon mates is due to leave the service and decides that it's probably appropriate to depart with a performance take off.

Typh, "Tower, Typhoon 33 would like to depart with a performance take off to 10k before routing blah blah blah."

Female ATC (very soft and polite voice), "Erm... standby please Typhoon 33..."

A moment or two pass whereafter a rather harsh, and significantly less polite male voice takes over, "Typhoon 33, it's all very well requesting a 'performance take off' however, you're clearly not aware that we are operating very close to one of the busiest airports in the world and a random departure heading simply isnt good enough. State your requested departure heading..."

Typh, "vertical."

Queue much chuckling from the USAF chaps on freq.

[The Curator]

Beags....
Monocular ex jag pilot rather narrows it down!! Ha Ha Ha.

[flap15]

A few years ago whilst the new Schonerfield terminal was being built the inevitable WWII UXB was found when the foundations were being dug. When the critical point was reached the airport was closed with an expected opening time of 1400. At about 1415 the following conversation occurred.

Brit. "Requesting start"

Twr. " Negative the airport is still closed"

Brit. " This is not the usual German efficiency that we have come to expect"

Twr. "it is not our efficiency that you should question. It is your bomb that did not go off"

[54Phan]

Paraphrased from David Bashow's book on the CF-104 in Canadian Service.

Four CF-104s flying to Sardinia for a Weapons Camp attempt to contact Rome Control for en route clearance. After several unsuccessful attempts, one pilot keys his mike and says "Luigi, answer the goddam phone!"

A week or so later a directive comes out that states that in future, Rome Control is NOT to be referred to as "Luigi".

[Exascot]

Beags....
Monocular ex jag pilot rather narrows it down!! Ha Ha Ha. :D

Did he ever find out that it was you Beags?

[Minnie Burner]

A clue, perhaps:
......dear old Blunty promptly repeated.....

Very early am, very strident female QF copilot,
"G'day Sydney, blah, blah, quack, quack"
Very soft, best Roger Allum voice: "Good morning, Sheila!"
Baritone QF male P1; "That's a bit bloody rude, mate."
"........and, good morning Bruce"