Women

[Aldergrove Einstein]

Proof that girls are Evil.

First we state that girls require time and money:

Girls = Time x Money

Additionally, we know that time is money:

Time = Money

Girls = Money x Money
= (Money)^2

And because money is the root of all evil:

Money = /(Evil)

Girls = /(Evil)^2

Girls = Evil

Q.E.D.

[This message has been edited by Aldergrove Einstein (edited 21 May 2001).]

[opso]

Sadly Girls = Time + Money not Time x Money, so the result isn't true unless the only money you were going to fork out was £2. In which case, I'm not suprised you only get the evil ones.

[Davaar]

Also, the quotation is: "..the love of money is the root of all evil". 1 Timothy 6: 10. To love women in any practical way is to spend money,and to love money is inconsistent with spending. Love of money does not equal love of women. False premise. Religion does keep cropping up.

[AffirmBrest]

But Money is spent every Time you are with girls (£40 a time where I'm from), therefore it is true that

Girls = Time x Money

And those girls can be evil (£20 extra)

AB

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...proceeding below Decision Height with CAUTION...

[kbf1]

Whenever I meet good looking women I am always in a state of - (neg) money. Therefore according to Newtonian first principles (actions having equal and opposite reactions) the women become pure "good", while my intentions are "evil" The net result, however, is always at best J, the square root of FA.

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The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic HERD!

[bigbuxomblonde]

Einstein must be from Yorkshire, not Aldergrove.

[The Mistress]

Nothing wrong with men from Yorkshire - are you sure you're not confusing them with those from further North?

Yours

A big buxom brunette from Yorkshire xxx

[bigbuxomblonde]

No confusion.

In my limited experience, tasty but tight...or should I say 'careful' :)

[L J R]

Maybe I've missed something. I'm from Yorkshire, and I like girls....

[SH Monkey]

Girls.... can't kill 'em, can't hunt 'em for sport.... http://www.stopstart.fsnet.co.uk/smilie/gunner.gif

[ragspanner]

If it were not for a certain orifice ,there would not be enough lorries to 'cart' the bodies away !.

[The Mistress]

SH Monkey meet ragspanner. Ragspanner this is SH Monkey. You two should get along fine.

Remind me not to catch the 49 bus. (See Jet Blast - Mile High thread).

[This message has been edited by The Mistress (edited 26 May 2001).]

[bigbuxomblonde]

I'm with you Mistress.

LJR...he sounds like our sort of guy :)

[Kiting for Boys]

Earlier in the week, I was at a pre-election Hustings meeting here. The Loony candidate had changed his name by deed poll to Flash Gordon Approaching.

A young woman stood up and said 'For every pound a man earns, a woman earns eighty-one pence....what do the candidates' manifestos have to say about that?'

FGA was given the mike to reply first.
With no hesitation he observed 'For every pound a man earns, the woman spends one pound twentyfive...'

Uprorious laughter all round, even from highly PC candidates.

[snaggletooth]

True, women cost in the filthy lucre department, but if you want to play (and what red blooded male doesn't) you've got to pay, n'est ce que pas? :)

And what's wrong with men north of Yorkshire?

[The Mistress]

Hey Snags welcome back. Nothing's wrong with men from further North - indeed my own Daddy was from South Shields. I am sure you are aware of the perception of kilt wearers though.

I've heard people call Yorkshiremen 'tight' before (in a monetary sense) - my memories are of warm generous people. That's all :)

Where's my penguin?

[SH Monkey]

Mistress & BigB

does this mean that the 2v1 is cnx.... I'm gutted.... No, I'm over it...... http://www.stopstart.fsnet.co.uk/smilie/sex.gif

[Larrikin]

KBF, I put The Mistress ahead on points, at the moment! I know there's a chemistry between you really! Time to kiss and make up?!!
Regards L

[Larrikin]

Whoops!! Sorry - managed to "cross-thread" the last one, but you get my drift!!

[snaggletooth]

Dunno my love, where d'ya leave it? :)

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Lend me £10, I'll buy you a drink & Mother wake me early in the morning...

[The Mistress]

Larrikin

Don't fret my sweet. No love lost there. I whooped him fair and square. Give him chance to lick his wounds and he'll be back - at least I hope so. I enjoy taking the lid off a 'can of worms' as our friend puts it - never did like 'yes' men. Much more interesting conversation to be had with someone who'll put up a fight :) However, when I think/know I'm being truthful and correct I will stand my ground to the last. Stubborn, moi?

Snagglepuss - I was rather hoping you'd bring one back with you - I'm sure there was room in your suitcase. Never mind we've been to look at some today at a local wildlife park. Apologies for the lack of Stripogram upon your arrival back in Blighty - maybe next time :)

[This message has been edited by The Mistress (edited 28 May 2001).]

[snaggletooth]

When you said you were one for the wild-life I thought it involved a risque lifestyle... Oh how my illusions have been shattered...

How those long evenings must drag, "Knit one, pearl one..." :)

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Lend me £10, I'll buy you a drink & Mother wake me early in the morning...

[The Mistress]

To my shame I have to admit that I CAN'T knit! http://www.pprune.org/ubb/NonCGI/frown.gif My Mum was an expert and tried hard to teach me. I was busy - if you catch my drift :)

I'm pretty good at X-stitch - will that do? ;)

[snaggletooth]

X-stitch? I knew a chap once who was into X-dressing, but that's not my bag Baby... no that's REALLY not my bag! :)

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Lend me £10, I'll buy you a drink & Mother wake me early in the morning...

[The Mistress]

Snags - why do I get the feeling you are interviewing me for a job I didn't apply for? What position did you have in mind :)

[Mowgli]

A friend of mine's wife earns a lot more than he does flying Albert......

Smart, or what?....

[bigbuxomblonde]

My only perception of kilt wearers is that they don't...wear any that is.


I can knit. Perhaps I could knit them some...or one...depending on what their preference is :)


South Shields eh? Not a true Geordie then :)

[snaggletooth]

Now then ladies! If you can't play nicely you'll go to your rooms :)

[The Mistress]

Snags - Maybe bbb was hoping you would escort her there ;)

Was passed by a shiny little red MRX sports car today. Glanced at the driver expecting to see the usual boy racer. Was delighted to see grey-haired, dumpy great-grandmother behind the wheel. YES!!! You can't take it with you ;)

[bigbuxomblonde]

I've always fancied a motorbike and sidecar myself...must be the black leathers :)

[The Mistress]

Funny you should say that. Are you going to tell her Snags, or shall I ;)

[snaggletooth]

It might sound better coming from you my dear, I wouldn't want to be accused of blowing my own trumpet, not that I haven't tried! :)

Come on lads, admit it, we've all been there...

Oh bugger, just me again.

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Lend me £10, I'll buy you a drink & Mother wake me early in the morning...

[bigbuxomblonde]

You're both being very cryptic...

Perhaps I should point out, the black leathers are for me :)

I rather fancy the old fashioned leather aviator's helmet and leather gauntlets too :)

[snaggletooth]

B3, is this an image of your night attire you parade before us :)

Must get a bit sweaty between the sheets...

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Lend me £10, I'll buy you a drink & Mother wake me early in the morning...

[bigbuxomblonde]

I've tried several replies to your last post snaggles...each sounded ruder than the last :)

[snaggletooth]

Don't be embarrassed B3, I truss myself up in tight fitting black leather suits almost every day :)

I have to admit that I actually can't bring myself to commit fully to the act UNLESS I'm wearing the above http://www.pprune.org/ubb/NonCGI/cool.gif

Once I'm fully booted'n'spurred though it's full steam ahead to the pleasure zone, The Mistress understands me completely I'm sure :)

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Lend me £10, I'll buy you a drink & Mother wake me early in the morning...

[This message has been edited by snaggletooth (edited 07 June 2001).]

[snaggletooth]

I had to edit the above due to alcohol induced smelling pistakes. Apologies to all & goodnight... http://www.pprune.org/ubb/NonCGI/eek.gif

[bigbuxomblonde]

Are you saying you're a Despatch Rider and you wear a truss??????

[The Mistress]

Snuggles - I understand totally darling.

harley-davidson.com is my kind of 'page 3' :)

[BEagle]

.......as a girl friend of my sister-in-law discovered when, new to the Internet she had a furtive search for www.bigboys.com (http://www.bigboys.com) thinking that it might be about, well, an inches thing.
It was. Cubic inches. Of 'hogs' and the like!!

[bigbuxomblonde]

Harley-Davidsons? Aren't they owned by men of a certain age in the UK and by Hell's Angels in the US? :)


Haven't you heard BEagle? 'Size' doesn't matter ;)

[snaggletooth]

My Mistress!!

A Harley?!

What were you thinking..? Obviously been at the drinks cabinet... AGAIN!?

Have a word with yourself! Wouldn't be seen dead on one. Not for love nor money.

A rice-burner's what you want. 100bhp for 600cc's & all that...

Laaarvely!! :)

[This message has been edited by snaggletooth (edited 12 June 2001).]

[bigbuxomblonde]

Why is everyone so obsessed by SIZE and now SPEED ?

Both irrelevant for we REAL women snaggles ;)

[bigbuxomblonde]

Very interesting hypothesis Mistress.

No, I don't have a Breitling...note the spelling...I only have a humble Rotary ;)

[The Mistress]

Knew it! Toying with my Snuggles' affections like that. Shame on you :)

An wots wrong wi' maaa spellin', huh?

As you insulted my ancestors I thought I would treat you to this little ditty I found in The Geordie Songbook by Frank Graham

A-U Hinny Burd

It's O but aw ken weel,
A-U hinny Burd,
The bonny lass o' Benwell,
A-U-A
She's lang-legg'd an' mother-like,
A-U hinny Burd,
See, she's rakin' up the dyke,
A-U-A

The Quayside for sailors,
The Castle-garth for tailors,
The Gateshead Hills for millers,
The North shore for keelers.

There's Sandgate for auld rags,
An' Gallowgate for trolly bags:
There's Denton an' Kenton,
An' canny Lang Benton.

There's Tynemouth an' Cullercoats,
An' North Shields for sculler-boats;
There's Westoe lies iv a neuk,
An' Sooth Shields the plyece for seut.

There's Horton an' Holywell,
An' bonny Seaton Delaval;
Hartley-pans for sailors,
An' Bedlington for nailers.

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

Don't quite see Shaggy releasing it as his next single BUT South Shields got a mensh - it does not segregate it from other Geordie towns :)

Anyone for a verse of Rotaree, tiree?

[This message has been edited by The Mistress (edited 12 June 2001).]

[This message has been edited by The Mistress (edited 12 June 2001).]

[bigbuxomblonde]

Georgie??????????

What can I expect...you're from South Shields!

:)

[This message has been edited by bigbuxomblonde (edited 12 June 2001).]

[The Mistress]

http://www.stopstart.fsnet.co.uk/smilie/stupid.gif

No I'm from Yorkshire :)

[bigbuxomblonde]

:)

So you are...how could I forget. Did I ask you whereabouts in Yorkshire?

I make beautiful Yorkshire Puddings btw ;)

[snaggletooth]

B3. Lay off my bird! :mad:

Notice you didn't deny being a bloke by the way... :)

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Lend me £10, I'll buy you a drink & Mother wake me early in the morning...

[The Mistress]

You're such a talented man bbb. You knit, you cook - do you sew too? I'm sure your "puddings" are lovely :)

Why do you want to know which bit of Yorkshire I'm from? Are you going to accuse me of not being a true Yorkshirewoman now :)

Snags - how about sending me a picture of your bike?

[Gash Handlin]

haad on a minit,

South sheilds is the wrong side of the river, divvunt gan callin it a Geordie town, place is full of Sand Dancers

GH
(Tynemouth born n bred)

[bigbuxomblonde]

My point exactly GH :)

I make Gold Medal Apple Pies as well Mistress and, yes, I can sew too :)

I used to live in Yorkshire, hence the question.

Absolutely right snaggles, I didn't deny ANY of it... ;)

[The Mistress]

bbb - Gotcha, down to a T. I think!

Read back through all your clues and finally came up with it. Took me some time this time around - your best character yet! Do you still Yahoo? If so, you've got a lot of catching up to do (hint).

Snags - call off the dogs - this is one of the good guys. If he's who I think he is!

Gash - As all my Geordie ancestors are long dead, it matters not. But thanks anyway. I'm White Rose through and through :)

[This message has been edited by The Mistress (edited 13 June 2001).]

[CleanScope]

Mistress,

Being a "Pudding" maker myself, from Gods County. (Central North Yorkshire). I am interested in 3 things:

1 How many eggs per Mug of milk/Water?

2 How much Flour? (This IS a trick question!)

3 How hot should the oven be? (At The start)

These 3 questions will truely clarify your "Yorkshireism"

Clean

PS: My Pudds are based on my Grandmothers technique, and have been acclaimed as "Better than mine" by my Yorkshire born Mother-in-Law!!!! Some Accolade!!

[The Mistress]

Scope

Any tyke worth their salt knows that REAL Yorkshire puds are cooked in lard in a coal fire oven.

I tried making them in the tin boxes supplied to RAF quarters laughingly known as "cookers". These are tin foil and wire contraptions put together by school boys in their science lessons. They cannot reproduce the exquisite puddings made in coal fire ovens. As a result I tried using garlic flavour oil to cook the puds in or chucking a handful of chopped fresh herbs into the batter to disguise the "electric oven" taste. If you really want to swap recipes, e-mail me. There is a thread on Jet Blast about student food - most of the contributors are blokes :)

I'm from the Socialist Republic btw.

The Mistress bites!
(closet Nigella fan)

[bigbuxomblonde]

I think I'm having an identity crisis...I need to lie down on a couch in a darkened room watching football on tv ;)

Purists would say that 'real' Yorkshire Pudding should be substantial and eaten as a course on its own with gravy.
I prefer the airier kind made with plain flour, egg, half milk/half water. fat should be very hot...oven hot. Perfection. :)

Hmm...almost missed that...Socialist Republic? Does this mean South Yorkshire? Scargill country perhaps? Or am I completely off the track? :)

[This message has been edited by bigbuxomblonde (edited 14 June 2001).]

[This message has been edited by bigbuxomblonde (edited 14 June 2001).]

[bigbuxomblonde]

You seem to have deleted your last post mistress...lack the courage of your convictions then?

A big bloke from Bradford with a Breitling...mmm...sexy AND alliterative ;)

[The Mistress]

No - he's eliminated himself from the puzzle. Are you in Gutersloh? I am assuming, of course, that this is all for a bit of fun.

The alternative is that you're an unpleasant little teenager with a big chip on her shoulder?

[This message has been edited by The Mistress (edited 15 June 2001).]

[This message has been edited by The Mistress (edited 15 June 2001).]

[RubiC Cube]

When I were a young lad in tSocialist Republic, my Grandma made tbest Yorkshire Pud I've ever had. Dinner plate sized, full of gravy, onions and carrots. Then we proceeded to main course!

[The Mistress]

I think we may have had the same grandmother :)

[Biggles Flies Undone]

I’m a blooody sootherner, but Yorkshire has cost me loads over the last 15 years! I fell for a Yorkshire lass, not just for her physical attributes but also for those mega Yorkshire puds with onion gravy and the fantastic fish & chips.

Sadly, my marriage is a thing of the past. God, I miss those Yorkshire puds and fish & chips :)

Mistress, you can cook for me any time you like. Talk about bikes, leather and other peccadilloes by all means – just give me large helpings of proper food http://www.pprune.org/ubb/NonCGI/tongue.gif

You lot really underestimate this very fine lady :)

[The Mistress]

Wow!

Ain't that the truth Biggles. Story of my life :)

Now about that cooking ... yes, I said cooking ...

[Biggles Flies Undone]

That's the wonderful thing about a Yorkshire accent - so many other interesting things rhyme with 'cook' :)

[bigbuxomblonde]

Of course it's a bit of fun...goes without saying I hope and by no stretch of the imagination could I be called a teenager :)

Are you saying that good food precludes the rest Biggles? The idea of peccadilloes is very appealing, with or without the leathers and d'you know...I've never heard a Yorkshireman say 'book' ? Am I missing something? :)

Ich kann nicht Deutsch sprechen Mistress...

[BEagle]

Well, TM, even if they do have dinner-before-tea, at least on your side of the Pennines the food isn't as awful as pig pancreas pie or udder and horrid bits pud that the clog, shawl and whippet mob overrrrr therrrrrr eat! Apart, that is from those $odding horrible 'mushy peas'.....
But those who used to be based at Scargill International Airport knew very well why there were so many railways, motorways and even 2 aerodromes at D*nc*st*r - to escape from the place!

Sorry to stir up the forthcoming row, but I understand that what is now called 'Yorkshire Pudding' in fact originated in France!

[The Mistress]

Quite so BEags - now you know why I live just down the road from you! Haven't been back much since my parents went to meet their maker. V. fond memories of Scargill International - that's where a bunch of Nav studes forced Nil nos down onto one knee and made him ask for my hand in marriage. I still haven't forgiven them yet! :) (I was too p*ssed to refuse).

Still can't tempt you to mushy peas yet then? :)

[RubiC Cube]

TM,

This is scary:

"we might have the same grandma"

"haven't been back much since my parents went to meet their maker"

"a bunch of nav studes forced nil nos down on one knee to propose at Scargill International"

"you live just down the road from BEagles"

Do we both have secret lives?

[The Mistress]

Could be - but if yours is a secret, how would I know :)

[Biggles Flies Undone]

BBB - you might be missing something - but I don't think it's that old English classic Meat & Two Veg :)

[bigbuxomblonde]

What a very ambiguous comment Biggles :)


What if I were to tell you I often go Vegetarian?

[The Mistress]

Then you may as well howl at a celestial globe. Biggles likes his meat well done!

[Biggles Flies Undone]

You tell 'em Mistress ;)

[bigbuxomblonde]

Man cannot live by bread (or meat) alone. ;)

[bigbuxomblonde]

...or meat and two veg :)

[The Mistress]

Indeed. You are a prime example of one who is suffering from starvation of wit and originality :)

[Biggles Flies Undone]

Or pie in the sky perhaps?

[Ms O G Nist]

I have only just got back.
I am all for joining in all this sexual innendo but I am totally ficking confused.
Is this thread about women, sex, Northerners, yorkshire puddings, bikers, knitting or what?

Confused? I am and you may be!

[snaggletooth]

All of the above :)

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Lend me £10, I'll buy you a drink & Mother wake me early in the morning...

[bigbuxomblonde]

All of the above and, judging by TM's last comment, 'cats' as well :)

[The Mistress]

What's the matter sweetie - can't take your own medicine :)

Stoke me and I purr ;)

[Biggles Flies Undone]

Come on bbb - thought you were made of sterner stuff than that!

You mil boys are supposed to have banter down to an art form :)

[PilotsPal]

BBB

Speaking of "buxom", exactly where are you on the scale of feminine dimensions? Not relying on the new Gossard inflatable, are you?

[bigbuxomblonde]

Me? Stern? You make me sound like a school mistress...if you'll pardon the term ;)

I'm allergic to cats Mistress :)

Actually PP I'm not big at all...quite petite. However...I have it on good authority that 'buxom' is an appropriate way of describing some of my attributes :)

[Biggles Flies Undone]

You mean you've got a big arse?

Or are we talking family jewels here? http://www.pprune.org/ubb/NonCGI/tongue.gif

[The Mistress]

Perhaps you have more of an affinity with dogs bbb?

A petite person cannot be described as big or buxom. Perhaps in reality you are a little bald bloke. How disappointing for the red-blooded males on this forum.

You can see Pilots Pal's attributes on the Bash forum and a very attractive lady she is too. Can you compete?

[bigbuxomblonde]

You know what they say about baldness and virility...

However, sorry to disappoint you Mistress but no...wrong again :)

And speaking of dogs... ;)

If you like big bums Biggles then there's no hope for us :)

[The Mistress]

There's no hope for you anyway.

No problems attracting members of the opposite sex here. But then I'm sure of my gender. We're just not sure of yours :)

[Biggles Flies Undone]

Errrrrrrrmmmmm... Game Set & Match methinks Mistress ;)