Tipsy and Wurz - Top Table Tales?

[country calls]

Two stalwarts of the C130K GE world had their farewell Top Table lunches last week. For those of us who couldn't make it, would anyone care to relate any tales from the speeches? (Those that can be retold and not needing so much censoring they make no sense).

For those in the know, I suggest that this is a thread that could have the same popularity as one of the characters tales of toothless poodles and lawnmowers. Still one of the funniest threads I have ever read on PPrune.

[SirPeterHardingsLovechild]

Okay, don't mind outing myself on PPRuNe, I'll have to speak to Wurzel though.

It's going to take a bit of editing to protect the innocent.

He won't mind this one:-

You, Sir, are a ***t!

Okay, here is a lesson for us all about immature debauchery. I have here a note from the 30 Sqn Adjutant, to her boss, OC 30 Sqn, Wg Cmdr M**e W****n.

WHILE YOU WERE OUT. Sir, this morning, Chf Tech (Wurzel) from the Ground Engineers, insisted on dictating the following message. ‘Sir, I would like to apologise for calling you a ***t, last night’

Well, there was an Officers v Sgts Games Night, and at the time, Wurzel was employed on Operation Forlorn Hope – the rebuild of XV290, Queen of the Skies. Deputy team leader, no less. And no more either, Wurzel, in spite of what you put on your CV. Anyway, back to the games night. Long after the games had finished the subject of the rebuild came up. An senior hofficer, who Wurz did not recognise through his beer goggles, pointed out that the K’s were a spent force, and that the rebuild was a complete waste of resources. (Boo Hiss) With the diplomacy learnt from training routes with G*****e, Wurzel stated ‘You Sir, are a cnut, get out of my Mess!’ And the hofficer duly did so. Well, let me tell you, the SWO nearly dropped his cigar, and advised Wurz – [cockney accent] ‘You were a bit art of order there Wurzel, my son…that was OC 30 Sqn, and in any case, it might have sounded better, coming from me. I should’ve thrown the cant art. Anyway, you’re gonna have to apologise for that in the morning.’

Hence the note from the Adj to M**ei W****n. And the reason that M**e W****n wasn’t at his desk was that he was still ****faced in bed and couldn’t make it to work. Its alright if you’re a Wing Commander. Never make a GE.

But alas, the SWO had failed in his executive officer recognition test.

Wurzel had left his dictated apology to the wrong Wg Cmdr, it should have been OC 24 Sqn, A**y B***n!

When I was doing my cockney SWO impression, the laughter was more raucous than I was expecting. I had my speech goggles on, I couldn't see beyond the front row. Sure enough, the SWO had snuck in at the back, without paying.

Plenty more to come, I'm testing the mood. PPRuNe seems a bit angry these days.

SPHLC (Tipsy)

[diginagain]

PPRuNe seems a bit angry these days.

Surely, for that reason alone, more would be a most welcome relief.

[Top Bunk Tester]

I know I had a very large hangover the next day, and was hard pushed to drink anything alchoholic at the EPU that afternoon. Luckily all those at the EPU had mellowed, I would have been D Cat'd for being such a lightweight in my day. :O

[SirPeterHardingsLovechild]

Wurzel gave me my speech on a memory stick and I'm struggling to format it. 'docx' or something.

Cyprus, 84 Sqn, Early-90's

Taff's Suicide Attempt

While out in Cyprus, Tipsy’s Sgt (Taff) was on a married unaccompanied tour, leaving his wife and kids back home. Well, his wife back in UK went back to her mother’s with the kids & emptied the married quarter. So Taff was a bit down in the dumps. Seriously down in the dumps. Tipsy, who had no formal training in counselling, but seeing an opportunity for an afternoon off work, decided to take him on the piss at lunchtime, not knowing that alcohol is a depressant. After a gallon at lunch time, they gatecrashed a 74 Sqn APC BBQ at Arabs Beach Club. Taff’s mood had been less than chirpy, in fact he had been threatening suicide. And sure enough, late that night, off he went, marching down the beach, throwing his clothes behind him. By the time Tipsy had got to him, Taff was naked & thrashing about waist deep and had managed to get a couple of lungfulls of water. Tipsy dragged him out, and the visiting fast jet sqn, the BBQ hosts, had a duty sensible person and driver, and took the bedraggled pair back to Tipsy's married quarter to dry him off & sober him up. They also phoned up SEngO 84 Sqn who was round Tipsy’s place like a shot. The following Monday, OC 84 Sqn dragged Tipsy in the office to commend him on his quick thinking & first aid skills.

Sensing a medal, Tipsy neglected to mention that on the night of the incident, when Taff threatened suicide for the fifth time, Tipsy replied ‘You haven’t got the bollocks’


You will have gathered by now, that Tipsy & Wurz did each others' leaving speeches

[Wurzel Gummidge]

What a cracking do, thanks to everyone that turned up... not a bad impression of the SWO either Big Fella :)

[WhoAreYa]

LMFAO guys, quality.

[SirPeterHardingsLovechild]

Another one on Wurzel is due soon, but seeing as it is St Patrick's Day...

Savannah, Georgia
Tipsy's finest achievement

In the good old days of International Jetsetting, Albert was sweeping a Tornado back from the east coast of the USA. And the Tornado needed a fuel tank change…the boys were told to wait for news at the hotel. Knowing that Albert would need LOX, Tipsy quickly got a hire car organised, and they all set about being proper ascoteers.

They were in Savannah, Georgia, and it was St Patrick’s Week. Third only to New York & Boston in the St Patrick's Day piss-up league. In their own version of Mardi Gras, street vendors were selling green bead necklaces for a dollar, and you gave them to the girls in exchange for a flash of their tits! After 4 days heavy drinking, and with all the hotels booked up for the forthcoming weekend, they eventually got moved, against their will, to the 5 star hotel resort on the other side of the Savannah river.

More of that in a minute, but an extra tale at no further expense. After 4 days of having updates, cash injects & White Russian warm up drinks perched on the edge of the Co-Pilots double bed, there were some shenanigans between L*e R****s & K*v G***s. This involved high pitched screaming and running around the room, and jumping up and down on the bed. The athletic Loadmaster, realised that if the plump Flt Engineer ever caught him, he was going to get a good thrashing. In his panic, he grabbed the handle of what seemed to be an adjoining room door...which opened.

And they all looked on in amazement. There was a large room with a big seating area around a massive telly, a kitchen, and extra toilet and bathroom. The Co-Pilot had a suite, the queen had paid for it, and they never checked the door.

Anyway, over at the resort, there were a couple of free river taxis, but one of them broke down, so there was an hour long queue to get over to the pubs. Some of the team were a bit shabby, and looking for a days rest for the kidneys, so they weren’t short of duty drivers for the hire car. On Day 7, it was Tipsy’s turn to be Mr Sensible. So he dropped the gang off at the pubs, agreeing a pick up time and place, just like the previous couple of nights. Except the crew no longer had their GE with them to herd them on the ground, so it all went wrong. Savannah was by now overwhelmed by St Patrick’s Day revellers. Tipsy went to a free rock concert on the harbour front and returned to the agreed pick up point at the agreed time. But no crew. They didn’t even send a messenger to tell him they had other plans, the b*stards. Only the Captain had a mobile phone in these days.

So as Tipsy waited at the pick up point, there was a knock on the window.

‘Hilton Hotel, driver’ said the man.

‘Er…pardon?’ said Tipsy, ‘I’m just here to pick up my mates’.

‘Well, you’re in the Taxi rank, here’s $20, take us to the Hilton Hotel.’

‘Okay’.

And by now, Tipsy knew his way around Savannah. So, back to the…er…taxi rank, maybe give the crew one last chance.

To cut a long story short, this story has 4 punchlines:-
1. By the early hours of the morning, Tipsy had pocketed over $200
2. One of his female passengers didn’t have any money, or indeed anywhere to stay!
3. This obviously turned out to be the last trip, and Tipsy drove past the crew walking over the bridge half a mile up river.
4. The next day...you're going to have to work this one out for yourself.


You can make a guess, but I dare not tell you, or the armchair PPRuNers will spill their coffee.

More to come, do post if you are being entertained!

[diginagain]

Keep them coming.

[country calls]

That is what I am talking about!!

Saving the best for last boys, or perhaps avoiding scaring the horses?

[SirPeterHardingsLovechild]

The lawnmower e mail never made it to the speech. It's deep in the PPRuNe archives now, and locked.

'Right, I'm F***ing pissed off with your lawnmower....'

Read on...

http://www.pprune.org/military-aircrew/55427-id-rather-stay-here-karachi.html

A bit further into the thread is the

Fillet Steak au Roquefort/Spike Milligan story

and the

England v Portugal/Missing person story

neither of which made it into the speech, either

PS. I'm divorced, the dog is dead...but the lawnmower is still going strong

[Tashengurt]

SPHLC,
You sir, are a legend. But you owe me a coffee and a keyboard!

[neilmac]

Hope you had a fab night and enjoy life on the outside!

NM
Ex Lye Jock Air Traffikker

[SirPeterHardingsLovechild]

SPHLC,
You sir, are a legendWho handed in his uniform today :{

[diginagain]

There is life outside, although it may well take a while to realise it. The friends you made, the times you had, they'll always be a part of your life. Best of luck.

[SirPeterHardingsLovechild]

Time for one on Wurzel, also a legend, he would be, I taught him all I know.


Wurzel - RAF Lyneham - early 80's

Charged on a Charge

This tale goes back to the early 80’s when Wurz worked in C2 hangar and was an escort on a charge for someone who had failed a weekly room inspection. Them were the days. The Flt Sgt stopped him on the way to the T-Bar and told him he was on escort duties. So he marched in to the Flt Cdr’s office with this giant bloke. The kangaroo court went on and on with pointless discussion as tea-break leaked away. The accused had left his room with a spiders’ web in the corner so they got stuck on a point: The Flt Cdr wanted to know if the spider could make the web between the time the accused left the room and the Flt Sgt inspected it.

Now Wurzel was missing out on a game of bridge, and he thought to himself “This is a load of bollocks”.

Then, Wurz noticed that it had all gone quiet and everyone was staring at him. Yes, that’s right, you’ve guessed it, he said it out loud. So out they marched and the Flt Sgt charged Wurzel for insubordination.

The original defendant got admonished and Wurz got 7 days jankers and a £20 fine. Justice was surely done that day.


country calls - you feature in two of these anecdotes, coming soon...

Top Bunk Tester - you as well!

[Top Bunk Tester]

I await with due trepidation :)

[WIDN62]

SPHLC,

Enjoy your retirement! One of the happiest nights of my Ascoteering career was witnessing you and Mr Polis singing Old McDonald Had A Farm in Greek after everybody else had left the Kebab house.

widn

[Doobry Firkin]

Have a good 'retirement' Tipsy. I remember when we were on A line Primary Team and you used to walk around with ''Too good for redundancy, not good enough to promote'' in white prc on your overalls... Raised the odd eyebrow from the orrificers.

Didn't see you for a few years till i recognised your sillouete sat on the blast wall on Echo pan in Aki, fag in your gob 'supervising' the refuel:ok:

Top bloke.

[country calls]

Two??

Oh lordy should I worry? Probably too late now!

[2port]

Sir Tipsy of Lyneham

You still owe me a tooth or two from when I "bought" them in Cape Town(??), 2003, just before you had your work done.

Good Luck fella

2P

[WhoAreYa]

Still awaiting some more ascottering tales old fella :-)

[SirPeterHardingsLovechild]

Out in Cyprus for 3 years in the early 90's, I got involved in archaeology, excavating with the Cyprus Dept of Antiquities & the WSBA Arch Soc.

At season end, there would be a dig party involving the full strata of Cypriot culture. The Dig Directors (professors), the professional forman & surveyors, the drivers, the students, the locally hired workforce, and the brit volunteers (us lot).

Everyone brought what they could to the table, and the Cypriot way is to finish up with a sing-song.

I remembered one of my Dad's old Flanders & Swann records, where Donald Swann sang a greek folk song and decided to learn and perform it.

It is 'similar' to Old MacDonald had a farm, in that it involves farmyard animals, you add one animal with every chorus, and you do the animal sound.

το κοκοράκι

Όταν θα πάω κυρά μου στο παζάρι
θα σ'αγοράσω ενα κοκοράκι
το κοκοράκι κικιρικικι να σε ξυπνάει καθέ πρωΐ

Enough of that, switching to phonetics:-

To Kokoraki (The Cockerel)

Otan tha pow, kiramou sto bazari
Tha sagarasso ena Kokoraki
To Kokoraki, ki-ki-ri-ki-ki!
Tha sepsig nigh ka theh prowee

Rough translation:-

Tomorrow, I will take you (my lady) to market
And I will buy you a cockerel
The cockerel will sing Ki-ki-ri-ki-ki
To wake you in the morning

Repeat and add animals:-

To petinari - Tchou tchou
E cotula - Ko Ko Ko
E artula - neow neow
To skilaki - gaff gaff
To arnaki - baa baa
To urunaki - oink oink
To graduraki - eeyore


By the time I was re-visiting Akrotiri as an ascoteer, I was known as 'To Kokoraki' and would perform at kebab houses - guaranteed extra free kokkinelli. Cynically, if you mix up the last two animals, and tell a greek taverna owner, in his own language, in song, that a Donkey goes 'Oink Oink' and a Pig goes 'Eyeore', they will roll about on the floor and give you even more kokkinelli.

Donald Swann's version:-

YouTube - Flanders & Swann - Kokoraki.wmv

Random YouTube Greek version:-

YouTube - To kokoraki


Por sa skilaki parathiro, gaff gaff?
(The one with the waggerly tail)

[SirPeterHardingsLovechild]

That went down well, too cultured for you?

I haven’t got a great deal of stories on Wurz at work. Did he actually do any? I think that possibly Wurzel fancied himself more as a consultant executive Ground Engineer, (a bit like a Flt Engineer) or as we workmates say ‘He talks a good job’. And he talks it so well there are many who think he a real star (Oh no we don’t!) Got a couple of work stories though.


DIRCM in Bits - Tipsy & Wurz in Afghanistan

There was the time when Wurzel was summoned to the Avionic Trade Managers Office, to see T****e after an official complaint was made about the condition of a DIRCM head received unserviceable by the manufacturers.

Well, what happened was, out in Kabul, the head had completely seized, rock solid, and as the mounting flange is like a sprocket, we couldn't get access to the bolts. We had to ease it off, one flat at a time. So far, so good.

But we couldn’t get the bolts off the old DIRCM head to fit the new one. Nil stock, of course. Now, as Senior GE, Tipsy helpfully found some bolts in the floor panels that were nearly the right thread, and almost long enough, and we’d only lose a bit of cabin pressure, but Wurzel wasn’t happy.

This was business for an Avionics specialist. So we decided to dismantle the old head to try and get the motor off. Our quarter of a million pound DIRCM head was down to its component parts by the time we got to the pissy little motor that had seized, and we decided that the manufacturers would have to change this motor anyway, and would probably be delighted to receive it in this condition.

We were wrong. And Wurzel wasn't going to wriggle out of this one. Nothing to do but offer apologies.





PS. Bit of advice to any beginners out there, if you've spent a hard days work with your oppo, and he leaves you to do the paperwork and goes to the bar to tell the crew what a good job he's done...


Put his name on the 731 U/S label and forge his signature.

[LowObservable]

F: What goes "tchou tchou"
S: The little chicks.
F: Who's ever heard a chick go "tchou tchou"?
S: (defensively) Well, they do in Greece

[country calls]

Shameless thread bump. I know that there are more stories to come and the word is 'we ain't seen nothing yet'

[Top Bunk Tester]

Damn, I'd just taken off my kevlar, now I'm gonna have to put back on and await incoming :oh:

[bay17-20]

Best of luck Tipsy - its not all bad out here!
Take it easy fella.
Steve Ox

[SirPeterHardingsLovechild]

Bay 17 - 20 (Steve Ox) Your ex- sister in law gets a mention soon...in the same Wurzel story that Country Calls features.

But a hatrick of early appo stories first

Swinderby Basic Training - 1977

One week into Tipsy's RAF career, he was ordered to be escort for his mate's charge, and was standing at ease in the corridor as the Discip Cpl prepared. Along the corridor comes the presiding officer with an armful of paperwork. Tipsy snapped smartly to attention, ruffled the carpet between his feet, officer went arse over tit, throwing all his paperwork into the air. By the time he had regained his composure, Tipsy had unruffled the carpet, and the officer said ‘Silly me’.


RAF Halton Tech Training- late 70's

After snowfall at Halton, the Apprentices and Direct Entrants took part in a massive snowball fight across Henderson parade square. Chasing the DE's back to their barrack blocks, some windows got smashed. Later on, after rehydration in Henderson NAAFI, Tipsy and a couple of mates staggered back up to Anson Block. Chunky H*******n said 'I bet you can't hit that lamp post from here', and he was proved right, none of them could. However, the Ord Sgt was on the prowl, and decided he had got the guilty men, and they were all charged with vandalism...or..'Throwing Iceballs at RAF Property'

Up in front Officer Commanding Student Wing (the very same chap who took the Lightning for a circuit) Tipsy got a £5 fine (two days pay?)

As was the fashion in those days, probably taught at Cranwell, the presiding officer had Tipsy marched out & then marched back in again

'Where are you from, son?’

‘Reading Sir’

‘I suppose you don’t get much vandalism in Reading’

‘Not while I’m at Halton, Sir’


Anson Block fire

A legendary incident. One appo entry bricked up Finlay Gym, another entry dragged a helicopter up Halton Hill, another drove to Whipsnade Zoo and cut a massive cock on the chalk lion, visible for years.

Tipsy's lot burnt the block down.

After one of many end of course piss-ups, Tipsy & his chums ended up with takeaways in the unofficial common room - the Discip Cpl's office. After much larking around, and on the night that G**g S*****w discovered that his girlfriend was at the 'wrong time of the month', but only when he came in from the bushes (Everyone else spotted the signs first) it was time for bed.

The subsequent investigation decided that a discarded cigarette butt in the bin caused a fire to develop, causing a tin of blue floor polish next to it to heat up & explode. Additional fuel for the inferno was provided by the Discip Cpl's No1 uniform & porn collection.

Now Tipsy was in the room opposite the fire...with his girlfriend. Hearing the alarm, he opened the door to a wall of flame and slammed it shut to save his now smouldering pubes. And to make doubly sure (being pissed), he locked the door so that the nasty fire couldn't get in (and nor could the nice firemen). The window was one of those that hinged in the middle and only opened about 30 degrees. Tipsy's lithe girlfriend slipped out and jumped without incident, but Tipsy's escape was less successful. Placing a little too much weight on the window as he climbed onto the sill, he ripped the entire assembly from the wall and fell backwards through the sink. He was now sat on the floor amongst a sea of broken glass and porcelain...still in the block, with a severed achilles tendon, and other random lacerations. But he managed to climb up and jump to safety.

An ambulance was called but through impatience, J***y S****t decided it my be better if he drank drive (drunk drove?) to the Med Centre. Well it was all go at the Med Centre, as the medics refused them access as they had had an emergency call out, and off they went, leaving our heroes in the car park.

Order was restored, almost, as a drunk Wing Cmdr put 98 stitches, closing the lacerations, but not noticing the tendon damage. Something that would haunt Tipsy for years to come.

After all was done and dusted, some joker changed the nameplate of the block to 'Arson Block', the remainder of the course marched up & down Halton Hill singing 'Halton's burning..'

And Tipsy & his mates were soley responsible for the removal of blue floor polish from the RAF!


More to follow, keep bumping & commenting if you're enjoying yourselves.

[Belle and Sebastian]

I was glad I was at the 'soon to be shut secret base in Rutland' when he arrived and promptly educated the young and impressionable lineys on how to conduct themselves in the NAAFI bar in the worst possible way......

I wish I was a fly on the wall when he popped into his Flt Sgt's office to inform him what 'extra-curricular' activities he'd been up to with his wife.....

[SirPeterHardingsLovechild]

Belle & Sebastian - that one is coming soon, the second time that Country Calls gets a mention, here is the first:-


Wurzel - Trouble at the Bop - Lyneham 2009

If I listed the amount of times that this social hand grenade had been punched, we’d be here all night. Although it is surprising seeing as Wurzel claims to be a karate black belt. But that's no use if you've got a pint in one hand, and someone else's girlfriend's buttock in the other. And it's definitely no help if you’re crossing swords with W****e. Or more specifically, the equally formidable W****e’s ex-wife, and her 47AD boyfriend, and some of their friends.

But what really happened that night? When Wurzel followed the time honoured GE tradition of wasting police time. Well I was present for some of it.

Following a GE Top Table, the hardened drinkers decided to decamp to KJ’s, to show our Junior Ranks just how drunk we were, how rich & generous we were...and can we grope your girlfriends please? Maybe even show off our latest dance moves. And there’s W****e’s ex-wife, long since divorced from W****e, accompanied by some 47 AD friends. Never let it be said that a drunk GE would get the wrong end of the stick, but Wurzel excelled himself that night. Knowing that W****e was down route, but forgetting that she wasn’t his wife anymore, Wurz decided to protect her honour from those nasty Air Despatchers. Or maybe he had plans of his own. More likely, I think. Wurz decided to execute his plan using the medium of dance. Specifically a jive…with a woman twice his size.

If Wurz had paid more attention on those never ending Open University courses that he’s taken, he might have been more aware of the laws of physics. So there he was, underestimating the co-efficient of friction and flying across the bar like a tangential cosmic moon shot. His graceful flight across the bar slowed somewhat when his forehead met the corner of a table.

How we laughed. And no sooner had the dazed Wurzel landed, [Country Calls] kicked him in the face.

‘What did you do that for, [Country Calls]?’ I asked.’

'It’s the rules’ replied [Country Calls].

‘What rules? Pigs Bar rules? Rugby Club Rules? Special Forces GE Rules?’

‘I don’t make the rules’ replied [Country Calls].

Fair cop. Did Wurzel get punched later on? Who knows. But I blame the disgraceful RAF Police for not investigating a complaint from a respected Senior NCO…who was out of bounds…groping someone else’s girlfriend…so drunk he didn’t who had hit him, if indeed anyone had…and probably deserved it anyway. Something that the SWO explained to Wurzel, the next day

[ewe.lander]

Tipsy you mad coot, always thought you were an old salt - then saw you was at Swinderby 3 years after me!!!! bugger, I'll get my coat.....

All the best as a Civilian Gentleman fella ;), twas a delight working with you,

Al H 'previous 47'

[PPRuNe Pop]

After discussing with Wholigan the pros and cons of this thread I have re-opened it. So, without reasons whys and wherfores the thread can continue. All we ask is that you avoid stepping over the boundaries and consider who will be, or might be, reading not just this thread, but any thread and be offended by it. I perfectly understand mess life. I have enjoyed many years of banter, tricks and wonderful times like you. But we mods have a job to do and must respect what PPRuNe is about.

Also, please remember this. A thought that has been around for years. Think before you press the submit button. Enjoy PPRuNe - but please do not abuse it.

PPP

[Top Bunk Tester]

PprunePop

May I be the first to thank you and Wholigan for the common sense shown here. This is a very amusing thread and given that I was present at the TT and knowing that I am to be crucified by some future anecdotes still to come, all I can say is bring it on. I am also sure that the main protagonists will ensure that the wrath of the Mods is no longer riled by some careful editing and redactions, whilst still maintaining the entertainment quality of the thread.

All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Although loosely based on factual events and timelines, any resemblance to a real event or events, person or persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. Names and times may have been changed to protect the guilty.

:D :D :D :D :D

[Wholigan]

I should also like to say that this isn't ACTUALLY taking place in the Mess, so please watch your language and - if you possibly can - use words other than those actually used at the time. Even asterisks, or reversing the order of 2 letters in the middle of a 4 letter word, are sometimes not really acceptable and I'm currently amending some of them so you have to use a bit more of your noted vivid imaginations.

Other than that - enjoy yourselves.

[Green Flash]

Whools (and Pop):D

Thanks for getting this one back on the flight line! I've just read the Anson block fire dit; the hyperventilation has stopped now and I'm sitting back at my desk, instead of lying under it hooting like a idiot! Keep 'em coming! :ok:

[country calls]

May I echo my thanks for the re-instatement, even though with 20/20 hindsight (and perhaps foresight) at my involvement in some of the japery, I may live to regret it!

[SirPeterHardingsLovechild]

Thanks for reconsidering, PPRuNe Pop & Wholi. I try to entertain, and my humour can be a bit cutting edge. Please just delete posts if I go too far. I shall try my best not to.

I'm definitely leaving out the Tenerife Incident

This story is from 30 years ago and in no way condones driving whilst under the influence of alcohol. It is merely a lesson for us all about a troubled & easily led, young man who subsequently reformed.

Tipsy - 13 Sqn Canberras - 1980

Tipsy continued his habit of being in trouble in his first week out of training, being posted to 13 Sqn at RAF Wyton. Albeit two weeks late as he had been helping police with their enquiries back at Halton.

Before the days of all day drinking, there was Monday Market Day in St Ives. The Sqn Flight Line Mechanics (FLM’s) decided to test the new boy's stamina with an all day session. Tipsy even had a car, although he didn't have tax, MOT or insurance. What was the point, he didn't have a license. It was 'work in progress'

After an all day & night session that Tipsy had passed with flying colours, it was time for the drive back to camp. Tipsy had destroyed all of the opposition except the Senior FLM, who was now in the passenger seat in a coma. Tipsy knew that he was okay to drive, just as long as he could get the key in the ignition.

In the market square, an old grey haired gentleman was walking his dog and came upon the scene. Knocking on the driver's window he stated :-

'You, my Son, are not driving back in that state!'

'And who might you be' [possibly more profane] replied Tipsy

The Senior FLM opened one eye and said...

'That's the Sqn Warrant Officer'

The Sqn WO subsequently drove Tipsy & the FLM back to Wyton in Tipsy's car. Tipsy spent most of the journey alternately wrestling with the WO's dog, and hanging on the back of the drivers seat saying 'I hate you, you're just like my Dad'

[WhoAreYa]

Oh do tell about the "Tenerife Incident"

[LowObservable]

It sounds like Pprune's answer to the Giant Rat of Sumatra.

[SirPeterHardingsLovechild]

Indeed. The Giant Rat of Sumatra, a story for which the world is not yet prepared.

Older Ascoteers will fondly remember that Tenerife is at the operating range of Albert, and two thirds of the way to Sierra Leone. So, first night madness in Playa las Ascoteers. Day 2 - Sierra Leone & back...to Tenerife. Back home for tea & medals.

Often came as quite a surprise to the passengers, with no civvies. I remember once waking up in a Tenerife hotel to the dulcit tones of the Sgt Major marching his troops around the Tennis Courts. They had not expected the nightstop and had behaved like squaddies tend to do after three months in the jungle.

Let's go to Goose Bay...one for the Fast Jet chaps.

Tipsy - Goose Bay - Late 80's

Out in Goose Bay for 18 months, in between drinking heavily with Junior Tech W***y W********e & Junior Tech [Top Bunk Tester], Tipsy was half of the team that built the Terrington Basin Boat Club. The other half was the legendary WO 'Black Bart' Graham. (RIP)

The Unit Commander, seeing the success of the project and being a genius of motivating his guys, changed the name of the building to the Unit Amenities Fund Building and told them to have it finished by AOC’s inspection.

Now under considerable pressure of combining heavy drinking with early starts and hard work, Tipsy & Bart got the job done, and the AOC cut the ribbon on the evening that he arrived in Goose.

Relieved of the stress, Tipsy did what he does best. The next morning everyone was in their No1’s and on the block inspection, Tipsy was discovered by the AOC, asleep in the TV room, in civvies, with a half eaten pizza on his chest.

Later that week, OC Admin ripped up the recommendation letter for an AOC’s commendation in front of him, and replaced it with an informal warning

Some of you may be wondering how Tipsy got his LSGM & Bar. All will become clear soon.

[Fox3WheresMyBanana]

Keep 'em coming! - are we headed back across the pond next? Canaries?

[themightyimp]

Amazing thread. Absolutely amazing. Like Tipsy in the bar. Keep em coming!!

[Roger Mellie's Enemy]

Keep 'em coming Tipsy:ok:, I've nearly passed out several times due to laughter when reading your anecdotes (including the Karachi hilarity). What's that? Not unusual you say?

[SirPeterHardingsLovechild]

Thanks for the encouragement, I'll keep telling stories as long as you want. My supply is endless, I seem to attract it.

And so does Wurzel, with ideas like this:-

Wurzel - Cosford - late 90's? - Stealing a TSR2

Once when Wurzel was an instructor at Cosford, he was on the Station Working Party for the Open Day. With Cosford choc-a-bloc with spotters, it was routine for all the workers to bring in camp beds and crates of beer and have an after show party, rather than spend all evening trying to get out of the car park.

So far, so good. Not for long though. Cosford’s TSR2 had been dragged out between the two hangars for the air show, near where the working party were having their well deserved crates of beer.

‘Wouldn’t it be funny, if we nicked the TSR2’ decided Wurzel. What could possibly go wrong. So picture the scene. No one on brakes, it hasn’t got any. Wurzel, manfully holding the towing arm, as if half a dozen drunk techies are going to push a 20 ton aircraft.

‘Chocks away’ yells Wurzel (the Instructor). Unfortunately, the TSR2 has plans of it’s own. As soon as the last chock is removed, it senses the freedom previously denied.

And the downhill slope is the opposite direction from Wurzel’s planned route. Well, luckily, one of Wurzel’s fellow jokers managed to get a chock back in before it had gathered too much speed and gone too close to a girt big ditch.

One chock thrown in front of the mainwheel of a moving aircraft. Bit of a sideload on the nosewheel there. And Wurz still hanging on the towbar for dear life. He flies up & across the nose, and headbutts the pitot probe, bending it. So drunken Wurzel tries to straighten the pitot probe and it snaps off.

Just the right time for someone from the Museum to drive around the corner and see the TSR2 50 yds across the pan, and a drunk Wurz stood there with the pitot probe in his hands. Get out of that one, Wurz.

[WhoAreYa]

Classic tale mate, lmfao.

[SirPeterHardingsLovechild]

Tipsy - 84 Sqn, Cyprus - Mid 90's

Fisticuffs

During Tipsy’s tour in Cyprus, the Commonwealth Heads of Government Conference took place, and they had to get 4 out of the 5 Wessex helicopters in Royal / VVIP fit. A massive job that meant a couple of months without a day off, rolling the 24 hr tropical shift pattern through the weekends.

Coinciding with the end of it, there was a Sgt’s/Cpl’s games night.

Tipsy’s mate Paddy was a Direct Entrant techie & on time promotion, and when he got his Cpl’s tapes (which he did that week), he just went to clothing stores and picked them up.

Tipsy, on the late shift and dealing with a load of piddled mess dressed officers returning from a cocktail party on the Royal Yacht Britannia in their helicopter, got to the Sgt’s Mess late and the party was in full swing.

Tipsy made a beeline for the bar and stayed there, hoovering down Brandy Cokes to catch up. Tipsy became aware that his Flt Sgt was very drunk and giving young new Cpl Paddy a serious hard time about his recent automatic promotion. Proper nasty stuff. And Paddy had only been wearing his tapes for a week, so was not putting up much of a defence.

Then the Flt Sgt turned to Tipsy and said ‘And as for you….’

That was as far as he got. The Flt Sgt’s feet actually left the ground as he flew backwards into the wall and slid down it, unconscious. As it was slowly dawning on Tipsy what he had just done, a big Rock Ape Flt Sgt put his arm around him, and said ‘That was brilliant, but you’re going to have to leave now’ ‘I’ve only just [jolly well]* got here’ said Tipsy.

Ord Cpl on Christmas Day

The battered Flt Sgt was told by several senior members of the Mess that he deserved his punch on the nose, but mysteriously Tipsy ended up on Orderly Cpl on Christmas Day. Generally a quiet day, Tipsy was visited by one of the Sqn MACR with some goodies, a few tins of beer and some mince pies, and he invited himself in, nicking Tipsy’s swivel chair and putting his feet on the desk, leaving Tipsy to perch on his own desk with his back to the window.

‘Watch out! Station Commander alert’ said the crewman, noticing a car with a flag on it.

‘Oh no, not more [blasted]* mince pies’ said Tipsy, taking a swig of his can of Carlsberg.

‘Yes, Cpl, more mince pies’ said Mrs Station Commander at the open window.

*F-word

[highcirrus]

SPHLC

Just like to say thanks for a bloody good laugh and for taking the trouble to recount the stories that have also provided me with a hugely welcome trigger to a few memories of my own. I seem to have now reestablished faith in the utterly non-PC instincts of my fellow Brits. Is it possible that the nation isn't beyond redemption? I might even look at the idea of returning there if I thought the same spirit was in a majority.

Please keep up your sterling efforts, I'm hanging on your every word.

Best regards

highcirrus

[SirPeterHardingsLovechild]

Wurz - Cosford, Fitters Course - mid 80's

Wurz was riding a racing bike down the M5 to Castle Coombe raceway for a weekend meeting. As the motorway opened up he decided to give it a little blast, unaware of the police car a couple of miles further down the motorway and passed it at a bit of a lick!

The police gave chase, apparently, but it had to be a police unit ahead of him to escort him off the motorway.

The copper was a bit sarcastic and he went over the bike with a purposeful glare. No tax, no MOT, illegal racing tyres etc. He then pushed his pen up the exhaust pipe to feel for the silencer.

So now the copper was in a really bad mood ‘cos he’d lost his favourite pen.

Once his mate caught up with us he issued Wurz with a ticket. Wurz contested the charge, claiming the bike was incapable of such speed. But in the court the Chief Inspector prosecuting had a print out from the speed camera…169.7 MPH so Wurz was bang to rights.

He was on his fitter’s course at the time and as was usual, his Flt Cdr attended court to represent his good character. Or maybe not. Being an ‘hossifer, he was incapable of falsehood. So he turned up in his best blue and suggested that Wurzel receive a custodial sentence!

The magistrate thought that a bit harsh so Wurz got a fine and 9 points. Dissapointed, and not quite done yet, the Flt Cdr announced to the court that the airforce would be taking disciplinary action after the court had finished with him. But back at Cosford, someone realised that his Flt Cdr was actually barking mad, and Wurz got away with it.

[Echo 5]

Back to the top. C'mon SPHLC it's been a sh!t day and I'm sure we could all do with a good laugh.

E5:D

[kokpit]

Yes, more please SPHLC, one of the most amusing posts I can remember on here :)

[SirPeterHardingsLovechild]

Tipsy & Wurz - Cape Town - 2007(?)

Tipsy was not the natural first choice as a GE Trainer, but as it wasn't a States trip, none of the proper trainers were interested.

So off went Tipsy & Wurz for a couple of weeks in deepest darkest Africa with the hooligans, but for an end of det treat, they got two nights in Cape Town.

Quite an expensive way of getting your laundry done, eh? Now Tipsy the instructor was all for seeing the sights, but with only one full day on the ground, he thought it might be more useful training to see how much Wurzel could drink.

Informing his student that they were going out to buy a postcard, they set off for refreshments. So they bought a postcard of Table Top Mountain and sat on the pub verandah sipping cool beers, enjoying the view of...erm...Table Top Mountain.

'Ere Wurzel, that cable car hasn't moved much in the last couple of hours' noted the ever observant Tipsy.

They would never know how much they drank that day, they only knew that Tipsy was buying the odds, and Wurz the evens. But all that heat made them quite thirsty.

In the evening the crew walked in complaining that they’d been dangling all day in a broken down cable car.


Tipsy & Mad Mick - Bermuda 2006(?)

Tipsy was all for seeing the sights, but with only one full day on the ground, he thought it might be a more useful exercise to see how much Mick could drink...

Having trailed a couple of medium jets from the Falklands, up through South America, turning right somewhere and ending up in Bermuda...


What happened was, either on the night stop in Panama, or possibly Puerto Rico, the medium jet crew made the foolish error of eating on the ground, something that Ascoteers are trained to avoid.

This slow acting food poisioning took effect in Bermuda. Well it would, wouldn't it. But the Medium Jet pilot was no amateur. Oh no. This was PPRuNer 'Reichman' (RIP) trained by our very own BEagle.

So for extra effect, and to deflect conspiracy theorists, we were all checked out of our rooms and waiting for transport, when Reichman loudly announced that he had shat in his flying suit, there would be a 24 hr delay, and laundry was authorised.

The Ascoteer crew had there laundry in, and their second cash inject, (and the crew had hired mopeds) in double quick time.

With beer in Bermuda at something like the equivalent of £6.00 a pint, Tipsy & Mick had a lazy day followed by a few drinks that night...

Another 24 hr delay, another cash inject - Tipsy & Mick decided to go for a little cheeky drink at lunchtime on a Saturday. It was one of those bars where the till slip is put in a little glass and you settle up at the end of proceedings.

This doesn't cater for people who are so drunk they can't remember their names, let alone be able to count, or are lying on the floor. Thankfully, the barmaid could count, and relieved our two drunkards of all monies offered.

Wurzel got a text on his duty mobile, (01:30 hrs, Iraq time) 'Tipsy & Mick are in Bermuda and just drank $360 worth of beer'