Tipsy and Wurz - Top Table Tales?
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Gilligans Island
Posts: 115
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes
on
0 Posts
Tipsy and Wurz - Top Table Tales?
Two stalwarts of the C130K GE world had their farewell Top Table lunches last week. For those of us who couldn't make it, would anyone care to relate any tales from the speeches? (Those that can be retold and not needing so much censoring they make no sense).
For those in the know, I suggest that this is a thread that could have the same popularity as one of the characters tales of toothless poodles and lawnmowers. Still one of the funniest threads I have ever read on PPrune.
For those in the know, I suggest that this is a thread that could have the same popularity as one of the characters tales of toothless poodles and lawnmowers. Still one of the funniest threads I have ever read on PPrune.
Join Date: Dec 2000
Location: UK
Posts: 737
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes
on
0 Posts
Okay, don't mind outing myself on PPRuNe, I'll have to speak to Wurzel though.
It's going to take a bit of editing to protect the innocent.
He won't mind this one:-
You, Sir, are a ***t!
Okay, here is a lesson for us all about immature debauchery. I have here a note from the 30 Sqn Adjutant, to her boss, OC 30 Sqn, Wg Cmdr M**e W****n.
WHILE YOU WERE OUT. Sir, this morning, Chf Tech (Wurzel) from the Ground Engineers, insisted on dictating the following message. ‘Sir, I would like to apologise for calling you a ***t, last night’
Well, there was an Officers v Sgts Games Night, and at the time, Wurzel was employed on Operation Forlorn Hope – the rebuild of XV290, Queen of the Skies. Deputy team leader, no less. And no more either, Wurzel, in spite of what you put on your CV. Anyway, back to the games night. Long after the games had finished the subject of the rebuild came up. An senior hofficer, who Wurz did not recognise through his beer goggles, pointed out that the K’s were a spent force, and that the rebuild was a complete waste of resources. (Boo Hiss) With the diplomacy learnt from training routes with G*****e, Wurzel stated ‘You Sir, are a cnut, get out of my Mess!’ And the hofficer duly did so. Well, let me tell you, the SWO nearly dropped his cigar, and advised Wurz – [cockney accent] ‘You were a bit art of order there Wurzel, my son…that was OC 30 Sqn, and in any case, it might have sounded better, coming from me. I should’ve thrown the cant art. Anyway, you’re gonna have to apologise for that in the morning.’
Hence the note from the Adj to M**ei W****n. And the reason that M**e W****n wasn’t at his desk was that he was still ****faced in bed and couldn’t make it to work. Its alright if you’re a Wing Commander. Never make a GE.
But alas, the SWO had failed in his executive officer recognition test.
Wurzel had left his dictated apology to the wrong Wg Cmdr, it should have been OC 24 Sqn, A**y B***n!
When I was doing my cockney SWO impression, the laughter was more raucous than I was expecting. I had my speech goggles on, I couldn't see beyond the front row. Sure enough, the SWO had snuck in at the back, without paying.
Plenty more to come, I'm testing the mood. PPRuNe seems a bit angry these days.
SPHLC (Tipsy)
It's going to take a bit of editing to protect the innocent.
He won't mind this one:-
You, Sir, are a ***t!
Okay, here is a lesson for us all about immature debauchery. I have here a note from the 30 Sqn Adjutant, to her boss, OC 30 Sqn, Wg Cmdr M**e W****n.
WHILE YOU WERE OUT. Sir, this morning, Chf Tech (Wurzel) from the Ground Engineers, insisted on dictating the following message. ‘Sir, I would like to apologise for calling you a ***t, last night’
Well, there was an Officers v Sgts Games Night, and at the time, Wurzel was employed on Operation Forlorn Hope – the rebuild of XV290, Queen of the Skies. Deputy team leader, no less. And no more either, Wurzel, in spite of what you put on your CV. Anyway, back to the games night. Long after the games had finished the subject of the rebuild came up. An senior hofficer, who Wurz did not recognise through his beer goggles, pointed out that the K’s were a spent force, and that the rebuild was a complete waste of resources. (Boo Hiss) With the diplomacy learnt from training routes with G*****e, Wurzel stated ‘You Sir, are a cnut, get out of my Mess!’ And the hofficer duly did so. Well, let me tell you, the SWO nearly dropped his cigar, and advised Wurz – [cockney accent] ‘You were a bit art of order there Wurzel, my son…that was OC 30 Sqn, and in any case, it might have sounded better, coming from me. I should’ve thrown the cant art. Anyway, you’re gonna have to apologise for that in the morning.’
Hence the note from the Adj to M**ei W****n. And the reason that M**e W****n wasn’t at his desk was that he was still ****faced in bed and couldn’t make it to work. Its alright if you’re a Wing Commander. Never make a GE.
But alas, the SWO had failed in his executive officer recognition test.
Wurzel had left his dictated apology to the wrong Wg Cmdr, it should have been OC 24 Sqn, A**y B***n!
When I was doing my cockney SWO impression, the laughter was more raucous than I was expecting. I had my speech goggles on, I couldn't see beyond the front row. Sure enough, the SWO had snuck in at the back, without paying.
Plenty more to come, I'm testing the mood. PPRuNe seems a bit angry these days.
SPHLC (Tipsy)
Join Date: Jul 2000
Location: Back from the sandpit
Age: 63
Posts: 492
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes
on
0 Posts
I know I had a very large hangover the next day, and was hard pushed to drink anything alchoholic at the EPU that afternoon. Luckily all those at the EPU had mellowed, I would have been D Cat'd for being such a lightweight in my day. 
Join Date: Dec 2000
Location: UK
Posts: 737
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes
on
0 Posts
Wurzel gave me my speech on a memory stick and I'm struggling to format it. 'docx' or something.
Cyprus, 84 Sqn, Early-90's
Taff's Suicide Attempt
While out in Cyprus, Tipsy’s Sgt (Taff) was on a married unaccompanied tour, leaving his wife and kids back home. Well, his wife back in UK went back to her mother’s with the kids & emptied the married quarter. So Taff was a bit down in the dumps. Seriously down in the dumps. Tipsy, who had no formal training in counselling, but seeing an opportunity for an afternoon off work, decided to take him on the piss at lunchtime, not knowing that alcohol is a depressant. After a gallon at lunch time, they gatecrashed a 74 Sqn APC BBQ at Arabs Beach Club. Taff’s mood had been less than chirpy, in fact he had been threatening suicide. And sure enough, late that night, off he went, marching down the beach, throwing his clothes behind him. By the time Tipsy had got to him, Taff was naked & thrashing about waist deep and had managed to get a couple of lungfulls of water. Tipsy dragged him out, and the visiting fast jet sqn, the BBQ hosts, had a duty sensible person and driver, and took the bedraggled pair back to Tipsy's married quarter to dry him off & sober him up. They also phoned up SEngO 84 Sqn who was round Tipsy’s place like a shot. The following Monday, OC 84 Sqn dragged Tipsy in the office to commend him on his quick thinking & first aid skills.
Sensing a medal, Tipsy neglected to mention that on the night of the incident, when Taff threatened suicide for the fifth time, Tipsy replied ‘You haven’t got the bollocks’
You will have gathered by now, that Tipsy & Wurz did each others' leaving speeches
Cyprus, 84 Sqn, Early-90's
Taff's Suicide Attempt
While out in Cyprus, Tipsy’s Sgt (Taff) was on a married unaccompanied tour, leaving his wife and kids back home. Well, his wife back in UK went back to her mother’s with the kids & emptied the married quarter. So Taff was a bit down in the dumps. Seriously down in the dumps. Tipsy, who had no formal training in counselling, but seeing an opportunity for an afternoon off work, decided to take him on the piss at lunchtime, not knowing that alcohol is a depressant. After a gallon at lunch time, they gatecrashed a 74 Sqn APC BBQ at Arabs Beach Club. Taff’s mood had been less than chirpy, in fact he had been threatening suicide. And sure enough, late that night, off he went, marching down the beach, throwing his clothes behind him. By the time Tipsy had got to him, Taff was naked & thrashing about waist deep and had managed to get a couple of lungfulls of water. Tipsy dragged him out, and the visiting fast jet sqn, the BBQ hosts, had a duty sensible person and driver, and took the bedraggled pair back to Tipsy's married quarter to dry him off & sober him up. They also phoned up SEngO 84 Sqn who was round Tipsy’s place like a shot. The following Monday, OC 84 Sqn dragged Tipsy in the office to commend him on his quick thinking & first aid skills.
Sensing a medal, Tipsy neglected to mention that on the night of the incident, when Taff threatened suicide for the fifth time, Tipsy replied ‘You haven’t got the bollocks’
You will have gathered by now, that Tipsy & Wurz did each others' leaving speeches
Join Date: Dec 2000
Location: UK
Posts: 737
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes
on
0 Posts
Another one on Wurzel is due soon, but seeing as it is St Patrick's Day...
Savannah, Georgia
Tipsy's finest achievement
In the good old days of International Jetsetting, Albert was sweeping a Tornado back from the east coast of the USA. And the Tornado needed a fuel tank change…the boys were told to wait for news at the hotel. Knowing that Albert would need LOX, Tipsy quickly got a hire car organised, and they all set about being proper ascoteers.
They were in Savannah, Georgia, and it was St Patrick’s Week. Third only to New York & Boston in the St Patrick's Day piss-up league. In their own version of Mardi Gras, street vendors were selling green bead necklaces for a dollar, and you gave them to the girls in exchange for a flash of their tits! After 4 days heavy drinking, and with all the hotels booked up for the forthcoming weekend, they eventually got moved, against their will, to the 5 star hotel resort on the other side of the Savannah river.
More of that in a minute, but an extra tale at no further expense. After 4 days of having updates, cash injects & White Russian warm up drinks perched on the edge of the Co-Pilots double bed, there were some shenanigans between L*e R****s & K*v G***s. This involved high pitched screaming and running around the room, and jumping up and down on the bed. The athletic Loadmaster, realised that if the plump Flt Engineer ever caught him, he was going to get a good thrashing. In his panic, he grabbed the handle of what seemed to be an adjoining room door...which opened.
And they all looked on in amazement. There was a large room with a big seating area around a massive telly, a kitchen, and extra toilet and bathroom. The Co-Pilot had a suite, the queen had paid for it, and they never checked the door.
Anyway, over at the resort, there were a couple of free river taxis, but one of them broke down, so there was an hour long queue to get over to the pubs. Some of the team were a bit shabby, and looking for a days rest for the kidneys, so they weren’t short of duty drivers for the hire car. On Day 7, it was Tipsy’s turn to be Mr Sensible. So he dropped the gang off at the pubs, agreeing a pick up time and place, just like the previous couple of nights. Except the crew no longer had their GE with them to herd them on the ground, so it all went wrong. Savannah was by now overwhelmed by St Patrick’s Day revellers. Tipsy went to a free rock concert on the harbour front and returned to the agreed pick up point at the agreed time. But no crew. They didn’t even send a messenger to tell him they had other plans, the b*stards. Only the Captain had a mobile phone in these days.
So as Tipsy waited at the pick up point, there was a knock on the window.
‘Hilton Hotel, driver’ said the man.
‘Er…pardon?’ said Tipsy, ‘I’m just here to pick up my mates’.
‘Well, you’re in the Taxi rank, here’s $20, take us to the Hilton Hotel.’
‘Okay’.
And by now, Tipsy knew his way around Savannah. So, back to the…er…taxi rank, maybe give the crew one last chance.
To cut a long story short, this story has 4 punchlines:-
1. By the early hours of the morning, Tipsy had pocketed over $200
2. One of his female passengers didn’t have any money, or indeed anywhere to stay!
3. This obviously turned out to be the last trip, and Tipsy drove past the crew walking over the bridge half a mile up river.
4. The next day...you're going to have to work this one out for yourself.
You can make a guess, but I dare not tell you, or the armchair PPRuNers will spill their coffee.
More to come, do post if you are being entertained!
Savannah, Georgia
Tipsy's finest achievement
In the good old days of International Jetsetting, Albert was sweeping a Tornado back from the east coast of the USA. And the Tornado needed a fuel tank change…the boys were told to wait for news at the hotel. Knowing that Albert would need LOX, Tipsy quickly got a hire car organised, and they all set about being proper ascoteers.
They were in Savannah, Georgia, and it was St Patrick’s Week. Third only to New York & Boston in the St Patrick's Day piss-up league. In their own version of Mardi Gras, street vendors were selling green bead necklaces for a dollar, and you gave them to the girls in exchange for a flash of their tits! After 4 days heavy drinking, and with all the hotels booked up for the forthcoming weekend, they eventually got moved, against their will, to the 5 star hotel resort on the other side of the Savannah river.
More of that in a minute, but an extra tale at no further expense. After 4 days of having updates, cash injects & White Russian warm up drinks perched on the edge of the Co-Pilots double bed, there were some shenanigans between L*e R****s & K*v G***s. This involved high pitched screaming and running around the room, and jumping up and down on the bed. The athletic Loadmaster, realised that if the plump Flt Engineer ever caught him, he was going to get a good thrashing. In his panic, he grabbed the handle of what seemed to be an adjoining room door...which opened.
And they all looked on in amazement. There was a large room with a big seating area around a massive telly, a kitchen, and extra toilet and bathroom. The Co-Pilot had a suite, the queen had paid for it, and they never checked the door.
Anyway, over at the resort, there were a couple of free river taxis, but one of them broke down, so there was an hour long queue to get over to the pubs. Some of the team were a bit shabby, and looking for a days rest for the kidneys, so they weren’t short of duty drivers for the hire car. On Day 7, it was Tipsy’s turn to be Mr Sensible. So he dropped the gang off at the pubs, agreeing a pick up time and place, just like the previous couple of nights. Except the crew no longer had their GE with them to herd them on the ground, so it all went wrong. Savannah was by now overwhelmed by St Patrick’s Day revellers. Tipsy went to a free rock concert on the harbour front and returned to the agreed pick up point at the agreed time. But no crew. They didn’t even send a messenger to tell him they had other plans, the b*stards. Only the Captain had a mobile phone in these days.
So as Tipsy waited at the pick up point, there was a knock on the window.
‘Hilton Hotel, driver’ said the man.
‘Er…pardon?’ said Tipsy, ‘I’m just here to pick up my mates’.
‘Well, you’re in the Taxi rank, here’s $20, take us to the Hilton Hotel.’
‘Okay’.
And by now, Tipsy knew his way around Savannah. So, back to the…er…taxi rank, maybe give the crew one last chance.
To cut a long story short, this story has 4 punchlines:-
1. By the early hours of the morning, Tipsy had pocketed over $200
2. One of his female passengers didn’t have any money, or indeed anywhere to stay!
3. This obviously turned out to be the last trip, and Tipsy drove past the crew walking over the bridge half a mile up river.
4. The next day...you're going to have to work this one out for yourself.
You can make a guess, but I dare not tell you, or the armchair PPRuNers will spill their coffee.
More to come, do post if you are being entertained!
Join Date: Dec 2000
Location: UK
Posts: 737
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes
on
0 Posts
The lawnmower e mail never made it to the speech. It's deep in the PPRuNe archives now, and locked.
'Right, I'm F***ing pissed off with your lawnmower....'
Read on...
http://www.pprune.org/military-aircr...e-karachi.html
A bit further into the thread is the
Fillet Steak au Roquefort/Spike Milligan story
and the
England v Portugal/Missing person story
neither of which made it into the speech, either
PS. I'm divorced, the dog is dead...but the lawnmower is still going strong
'Right, I'm F***ing pissed off with your lawnmower....'
Read on...
http://www.pprune.org/military-aircr...e-karachi.html
A bit further into the thread is the
Fillet Steak au Roquefort/Spike Milligan story
and the
England v Portugal/Missing person story
neither of which made it into the speech, either
PS. I'm divorced, the dog is dead...but the lawnmower is still going strong
Last edited by SirPeterHardingsLovechild; 17th Mar 2011 at 17:27.
Join Date: Dec 2000
Location: UK
Posts: 737
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes
on
0 Posts
Time for one on Wurzel, also a legend, he would be, I taught him all I know.
Wurzel - RAF Lyneham - early 80's
Charged on a Charge
This tale goes back to the early 80’s when Wurz worked in C2 hangar and was an escort on a charge for someone who had failed a weekly room inspection. Them were the days. The Flt Sgt stopped him on the way to the T-Bar and told him he was on escort duties. So he marched in to the Flt Cdr’s office with this giant bloke. The kangaroo court went on and on with pointless discussion as tea-break leaked away. The accused had left his room with a spiders’ web in the corner so they got stuck on a point: The Flt Cdr wanted to know if the spider could make the web between the time the accused left the room and the Flt Sgt inspected it.
Now Wurzel was missing out on a game of bridge, and he thought to himself “This is a load of bollocks”.
Then, Wurz noticed that it had all gone quiet and everyone was staring at him. Yes, that’s right, you’ve guessed it, he said it out loud. So out they marched and the Flt Sgt charged Wurzel for insubordination.
The original defendant got admonished and Wurz got 7 days jankers and a £20 fine. Justice was surely done that day.
country calls - you feature in two of these anecdotes, coming soon...
Top Bunk Tester - you as well!
Wurzel - RAF Lyneham - early 80's
Charged on a Charge
This tale goes back to the early 80’s when Wurz worked in C2 hangar and was an escort on a charge for someone who had failed a weekly room inspection. Them were the days. The Flt Sgt stopped him on the way to the T-Bar and told him he was on escort duties. So he marched in to the Flt Cdr’s office with this giant bloke. The kangaroo court went on and on with pointless discussion as tea-break leaked away. The accused had left his room with a spiders’ web in the corner so they got stuck on a point: The Flt Cdr wanted to know if the spider could make the web between the time the accused left the room and the Flt Sgt inspected it.
Now Wurzel was missing out on a game of bridge, and he thought to himself “This is a load of bollocks”.
Then, Wurz noticed that it had all gone quiet and everyone was staring at him. Yes, that’s right, you’ve guessed it, he said it out loud. So out they marched and the Flt Sgt charged Wurzel for insubordination.
The original defendant got admonished and Wurz got 7 days jankers and a £20 fine. Justice was surely done that day.
country calls - you feature in two of these anecdotes, coming soon...
Top Bunk Tester - you as well!
SPHLC,
Enjoy your retirement! One of the happiest nights of my Ascoteering career was witnessing you and Mr Polis singing Old McDonald Had A Farm in Greek after everybody else had left the Kebab house.
widn
Enjoy your retirement! One of the happiest nights of my Ascoteering career was witnessing you and Mr Polis singing Old McDonald Had A Farm in Greek after everybody else had left the Kebab house.
widn
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Aberdeen
Age: 52
Posts: 53
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes
on
0 Posts
Have a good 'retirement' Tipsy. I remember when we were on A line Primary Team and you used to walk around with ''Too good for redundancy, not good enough to promote'' in white prc on your overalls... Raised the odd eyebrow from the orrificers.
Didn't see you for a few years till i recognised your sillouete sat on the blast wall on Echo pan in Aki, fag in your gob 'supervising' the refuel
Top bloke.
Didn't see you for a few years till i recognised your sillouete sat on the blast wall on Echo pan in Aki, fag in your gob 'supervising' the refuel
Top bloke.