Mrs Bloggs 'At Home' Etiquette/Protocols

[Pontius Navigator]

PP, we had one of those, a superb pistol shot and a rareity, a proper Cranwell flight lieutenant. He had his fortune read and told to make a choice. I chanced to see him on the TV as the British Olympic shooting coach. :}

[Clockwork Mouse]

"He sets low personal standards and consistently fails to achieve them".

"He has the wisdom of youth and the energy of old age".

[airborne_artist]

"This officer's men will follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity."

and of an OR, service not known:

"I would not breed from this man",

and on another for a sailor:

Below a sketch of a dog's bone, "A picture tells a thousand words".

My guess is that the latter two were sent back for a re-scrub :D

[charliegolf]

When he starts the engine, he sets in train a series of events over which he has no further control.

My fave.

CG

[thegypsy]

Regarding Malt Whisky. I don't suppose MM gets The Times but section 2 today has an article on Malt Whisky. Whoever it was said it breaks down chemically after 15 years is talking out of his backside. They mentioned some 30 and 32 year old Malts costing Thousands which I doubt is in the Colonel's cellar and if it is it will certainly NOT be offered to MM.

[Blacksheep]

There are many subtle ways in which servicemen and women subtly put the boot in.

An RSM at Camp Bastion, being interviewed on't telly the other day, concerning HRH Flt Lt Wales was asked "Oh, you consider him a fellow serviceman then?" His answer - "Yes. Talking with him was just like talking to any other officer." :suspect:

[Rossian]

....are we going to keep this going until 5 Dec for goodness sake? The poor chap is either going to die of boredom or paranoia and refuse to go at the last minute.

BTW MM, I apologise for slightly hijacking your thread a few p*&ts ago, but it referred to a chap I'd almost forgotton about.

Take some amusement from all the prattle above but don't take it TOO seriously. However comma most, if not all, of what may appear to modern eyes to be those absurdities of behaviour were REALLY carried on at the time. No longer thank god. But we also had HUGE amounts of fun in spite of it all.

The Ancient Mariner

PS and we DO want an after action report.

[Pontius Navigator]

Whoever it was said it breaks down chemically after 15 years is talking out of his backside.

Maybe a cunning ploy to persuade you to empty your cellar :p

And Rossarian mentioning the customs and etiquette of the not too distant past raises yet another question.

We have considered Service and rank but not the AGE of said pongo. Now his real age is of course immaterial but what is important is his social age, hence the matter of calling cards.

Is he a 'new man' or is he from the days of the Raj? My colonel, some 10 years younger than me was certainly a gentleman of the latter sort. He was distinctly put out when an ex-sqn ldr, engineer, now contract manager called him "Mate". So, will he be "Sir", "Colonel" or "Bill"?

[PPRuNeUser0139]

And that's another don't to add to your burgeoning list of don'ts..
"Cheers mate" is not an acceptable alternative form of thank you..:}
sv

[airborne_artist]

PS and we DO want an after action report.

With the wonders of modern technology there's no reason why we couldn't have a contact report, and running commentary on the engagement, dis-engagement, re-group etc.

I suggest that we make sure that MM has suitable comms, and one or more in a safe house close to the target who can provide remote support, and if needed, direct an extraction force if, for example, he gets cornered by the Col's daughter in the study :E

[goudie]

he gets cornered by the Col's daughter in the study

If he does, he'll need a look-out:ok:

[Rossian]

...I think you're conflating me with YOSSARIAN from Catch-22. I know there are (were?) lots of parallels between the kipper fleet and the world of C-22, but I am not he.

The Ancient Mariner

Ps I'm sure we know each other PN our paths must have crossed.

[A2QFI]

The Kiss of death on an Army Officer's career is alleged to be "My wife tells me that this officer dances well"

[If all else fails]

AA, You are absolutely right....but why stop there? MM what is the name of this pongo chap......I was one once too you know (20 yrs in the Cav).....and am bound to be able to get the low down for you......know your 'enemy' and all that....unless he was a gunner of course....then don't bother as he's a 'sitting duck'!

[500N]

"With the wonders of modern technology there's no reason why we couldn't have a contact report, and running commentary on the engagement, dis-engagement, re-group etc.

I suggest that we make sure that MM has suitable comms, and one or more in a safe house close to the target who can provide remote support, and if needed, direct an extraction force if, for example, he gets cornered by the Col's daughter in the study http://images.ibsrv.net/ibsrv/res/src:www.pprune.org/get/images/smilies/evil.gif"

May I suggest employing counter ambush drills in this situation :O

Excellent thread:ok:

[airborne_artist]

AA, You are absolutely right....but why stop there? MM what is the name of this pongo chap......I was one once too you know (20 yrs in the Cav).....and am bound to be able to get the low down for you......know your 'enemy' and all that....unless he was a gunner of course....then don't bother as he's a 'sitting duck'!IAEF - a close target recce has already been auth'd :}

May I suggest employing counter ambush drills in this situation

Those will form a part of MM's actions on, but a QRF will be needed if an ambush takes place :ok:

[Rossian]

...he's got one with him! Mrs MM.

There isn't a wife on the planet who isn't capable of noticing an absence and tracking the chap down - I have the scars to prove it!

The Ancient Mariner

[500N]

" ...he's got one with him! Mrs MM.
There isn't a wife on the planet who isn't capable of noticing an absence and tracking the chap down - I have the scars to prove it!
The Ancient Mariner"


Then maybe a bit of remedial training in Deception, Camouflage and Concealment is required :O :ok:

[airborne_artist]

Extraction force??...
...he's got one with him! Mrs MM.

The extraction force would extract MM before he was compromised on target, silly :E

[If all else fails]

Extraction???...No No No!!!....are you mad SIR?

Reinforcements - DAMMIT....that's what MM needs!!

Vestigia Nulla Restrorsum

[parabellum]

Regarding Malt Whisky. I don't suppose MM gets The Times but section 2 today has an article on Malt Whisky. Whoever it was said it breaks down chemically after 15 years is talking out of his backside. They mentioned some 30 and 32 year old Malts costing Thousands which I doubt is in the Colonel's cellar and if it is it will certainly NOT be offered to MM.


I used to fly small tourists groups to the island of Islay to visit the distillery, couldn't drink but did get a lot of opportunity to talk to the distillers and it was they who said watch out for Malts over twelve years old as it can break down chemically and was best avoided. Don't think they would have wasted their time talking bolleaux.

Yes, given the gullibility of the human race and a good sales team, the older the bottle the more some people will pay for it, one wonders, having paid several thousand for such a bottle, how often they drink it!

[thegypsy]

parabellum

I was merely quoting from someone who was clearly an expert on Malt Whisky. He tasted a 32 year Mackallan and said it was out of this world and put any others to shame.

As an ex SQman myself I will not fall out with you over this:D Foxy

[Flash2001]

In Raffles hotel there was a bottle of 64 year old malt in a glass case. There was a placard beside it that said that its mate had been opened and had been found to be "Eminently drinkable".

After an excellent landing you can use the airplane again!

[Lyneham Lad]

Remember to keep off the beer before you go, pump ship, and try and hold on for an hour or so.

Reminds me of the occasion when, early in the evening I had to 'pump ship' as you so quaintly put it and on returning to the gathering, the hostess exited the room only to return a few moments later to confront her husband and declare loudly "well, he is a gentleman - he puts the seat and lid back down"! :cool:

[sisemen]

We have considered Service and rank but not the AGE of said pongo. Now his real age is of course immaterial but what is important is his social age, hence the matter of calling cards.

Is he a 'new man' or is he from the days of the Raj? My colonel, some 10 years younger than me was certainly a gentleman of the latter sort. He was distinctly put out when an ex-sqn ldr, engineer, now contract manager called him "Mate". So, will he be "Sir", "Colonel" or "Bill"?

In all seriousness for a moment....

It would all depend on what is on the invitation. If it's from "Colonel and Mrs...." then kick off with calling him Colonel and her Mrs .... until invited to call him/them something different.

If it's from John and Cynthia then first names would be the order of the day.

If one is greeted with an apparation wearing a vest and tatoos proferring an open beer bottle then it would be appropriate to call him "mate" or "mukker" or somesuch.

[Barksdale Boy]

Vestigia nulla retrorsum surely, not restrorsum.

As he stumbles on through the social minefield of December 5th, MM may wish to quote this, since, if the Colonel was a member of the 5th Royal Inniskilling Dragoon Guards, the situation could be saved as it is their motto.

[Fareastdriver]

If twenty year old whiskies are so good why can't they sell them for fifteen years or so.

[chopd95]

Having re-read the thread, and MM's original polite enquiry,

MM, good drills to enquire of the officer class - you may now know that :

1) some would simply have no need to ask - breeding, good school and all that

2) the rest of us have no class, and accordingly we either go by the book, that we cannot now remember, or more likely, assume that as a member of the Royal Air Force brethren we will "wing it" and come out on top as always!

btw all, where did MM say that said pongo was a Colonel ?

[goudie]

that said pongo was a Colonel ?

Aren't they always?

[chopd95]

Goodie,
Good point well made!! No such thing as a "half colonel" of course.
IIRC the pongo etiquette was "no rank in the mess", accordingly all up to and including major were on first name terms, then there was simply "Colonel", whether half or not.

Btw, MM, as per earlier chat of "smart casual" = chinos and shirt, oh dear oh dear, would one go to church thus ? No jacket, no tie? Light tweed suit with brown brogues , unless post polo match when Blazer and/ or those so smart pink cords are de rigeure?

[BossEyed]

If one is greeted with an apparation wearing a vest and tatoos proferring an open beer bottle then it would be appropriate to call him "mate" or "mukker" or somesuch.

"Admiral", surely?

[airborne_artist]

"Admiral", surely?

A knighted admiral, one of two who lived in a well known dark-blue Hampshire village, left his wife and daughter and went to Cyprus with/to Roger the cabin boy.

No names, no packdrill, Sir D ....

[musclemech]

It turns out that, as I found out at another social event (there appears to be no rest in the social calender here!!!), that Mr Bloggs is/ was in fact Col Bloggs, although not entirely clear whether that is really Lt Col or Col.... Nevertheless, he doesnt appear to dwell on his rank, and his happy to be known by his first name.

It also appears that Colonels are tea boys in the rank structure of this village....

MM

ps if Mrs MM were to discover me with Cols daughter I would require both extraction team AND comouflage and concealment training.

[Melchett01]

ps if Mrs MM were to discover me with Cols daughter I would require both extraction team AND comouflage and concealment training

Damn it man, that sort of lilly-livered response is nothing short of a disgrace to the Colours! Stand your ground and fight. Well at least until she over powers you on the billiard table, then it's over to the Big 6 and think of England. And having spent a large part of my university days being repeatedly 'overpowered' by a 1*s eldest daughter, I can confirm it isn't as bad as you might think. Character building I think is the phrase.

As for discovering who Col Bloggs is, you need to get yourself a copy of Volume 3 (I think) of the Army List which I believe is the Retired List and gives a brief run down on an individual. You might have to go to the Library for this - or ask one of the MOD libraries such as MOD or Aldershot as the Army List has now gone online and the data protection rules mean they can no longer publish the Retired List.

[500N]

MM,
Lt. Col or Full Col, I think the corps, regiment, unit and years of service are more important as Melchett01 indicates.

At least being ex services you have plenty of conversation pieces so things are looking up.

Why do you say " It also appears that Colonels are tea boys in the rank structure of this village...."
Do you have a few General's and Admirals in the village ?

[500N]

Melchett01.
"And having spent a large part of my university days being repeatedly 'overpowered' by a 1*s eldest daughter, I can confirm it isn't as bad as you might think. Character building I think is the phrase."

What was "Character building" - "being 'overpowered' by a 1*s eldest daughter"
or facing the 1* when he found out LOL :O

[alwayslookingup]

Ref Rossian's post at 272

Of course, if one were remiss enough to misplace one's fragrant other half, in a shopping mall (I know, but someone's got to do it), at a "do" such as this, a sporting event, or other such crowded social ocasion, there is one sure fire way to find her instantly....











....start talking to good looking member of the opposite sex!!

[Bertie Thruster]

comouflage

A freudian slip of a girl!?

or in the lower echelons of 'viz' like society; 'cumouflage'; a slip of a thing, expressed by Clinton.

[Sempre 206]

Of course if Col Bloggs is 'late' of the AAC, he may well have been reading this thread for the past couple of weeks. So beware if on arrival he greets you with:

"Ah Mr and Mrs MM, so glad you could make it today, I'm sorry that our daughter has been unable to join us today. Now what would Mrs MM like to drink? I know you, Mr MM, would either like a 20yr malt or a bottle of beer"

Looking forward to the Purple (maritime post op report)!

S206

[Pontius Navigator]

Col or Lt Col it matters not as in the socialarea they are all Colonel. A few Sirs dropped in to the conversation would not go amiss.

Now a flt lt I know really endeared himself to his CoC. He called the major by his first name and flattly refused to call the Lt Col - Colonel Bob (or whatever) prefering instead to call him Boss.

Funnily enough our tree surgeon called me Boss but his sidekick said it didn't seem right and called me Mr PN instead. :)

[Old-Duffer]

......... Sorry PN but I'm not sure I can agree with you.

In a social setting, the use of the word 'Sir' - in UK speak but not USA speak - is too formal. Until you are familar with the 'senior officer', the use of the (former) rank is polite and will be appreciated: 'Mr' will not.

Some people are happy to be called 'Boss', others not so. I still call my doctor; 'Doctor', my animals' Vet; 'Mrs' and the principal of the school where I pretend to be an RAFVR(T) officer - despite my antiquity - 'Headmaster'. When they say; 'old duffer, do call me Algernon', I shall do so.

As with others who use this site, I still encounter the odd cove who I would gladly see boiled alive but I still try to be civil. It all comes down to one thing: GOOD MANNERS!!

[minigundiplomat]

the use of the (former) rank is polite and will be appreciated: 'Mr' will not.




Unless they have actually made a contribution to the military community and achieved the rank of warrant officer, then Mr is fine.

[Pontius Navigator]

O-D, I am not sure what you found to disagree about apart from the Sir-Col bit.

Now a friend of mine, former WO1/Captain, always calls me Sir when he visits. I have known him for 10 years and he worked as my contract manager for the first 4 of these!

The 'Sir' bit or 'Colonel' bit is probably as much to do with Service as manners. Would you seriously drop Group Captain in to the conversation as less formal than Sir?

Now our brown bretheren may be happier with Colonel or General rather than Sir and Colonel Bob is certainly the norm rather than Group Captain Al.

[thegypsy]

500N

You ask the question as to whether there are a few Generals /Admirals in MM's village. Maybe it is full of Air Vice Ms and Air Chief Ms. Why did you not consider that?:confused:


PS Old Duffer And breeding:hmm:

[500N]

thegypsy

No real reason, except most of the previous pages on this thread have been referring to Colonel's and Admiral's (except the part on the daughter of a 1 star which could be any of the services) so was just continuing along those lines.

I'll make sure in the future I don't offend by including the RAF Officer ranks :ok::O

[Melchett01]

Lt. Col or Full Col, I think the corps, regiment, unit and years of service are more important as Melchett01 indicates.


500N - as long as he remembers that whilst some Regiments are better than others, all Regiments are acceptable where as Corps are most definitely not! Nothing more embarrassing than asking a chap about his war record only to find he served in the Women's Auxilliary Balloon Corps.

And the 1* was fine ..... Mrs 1* on the other hand wasn't quite as
impressed :E

O-D - so just how does one use RAF ranks in a social setting? Unlike our sister services whose ranks can be abridged to one word - Colonel, General, Commander, Admiral etc, RAF ranks are a bit of a mouthful. I for one would find it a little tongue-tyign constantly refering to your host as Gp Capt, Wg Cdr etc.

[Old-Duffer]

Melchett,

I call anything from AVM upwards 'air marshal' and introduce them as such. I call the only MRAF I deal with; 'Sir' and introduce him as 'Sir *****' since its most unlikely that he is unknown in the circles in which we mix.

All other officers I use their rank if addressing them formally and on first introduction to someone else. WOs and non commissioned personnel, I call 'Mr' and introduce them as such. In my experience the rank/status thing quickly becomes irrelevent

I run a loose association of ex-RAF guys and we are strictly 'rank neutral'. When I first invite them to join, I address them by their service rank but then tell them that this will be the last time it will be used unless the Queen comes to dinner.

The above applies in a vaguely service setting. In a predominantly civilian setting I use first names and introduce the ex-service guy as 'Jeremy Ponsby-Symthe' (this only works if he is Jeremy P-S you Understand!!!!). If the matter of service career comes up then I say something like; 'Jeremy served in the Army for many years, I'm sure he'll tell you about his many misadventures'. I never say; 'Jeremy won the MC attacking the &^*%, you know'.

Sorry if this all sounds laboured and unneccessary but it does seem to work and I believe that courtesy and civility cost nothing. I'm even civil to the only person I actually hated in my time in the mob - difficult though that still is!!

O-D

[emeritus]

I have always found military/diplomatic protocol an interesting subject. So if Mrs E and I were also invited to said function would the same rules be applicable to civilians ?

Emeritus

[Pontius Navigator]

All other officers I use their rank if addressing them formally and on first introduction to someone else. WOs and non commissioned personnel, I call 'Mr' and introduce them as such. In my experience the rank/status thing quickly becomes irrelevent

Ah, now we are on firmer ground. If they are serving then a plt off and fg off should be 'Mr' as also a WO. A sgt, etc, OTOH, should be introduced by rank.

Using flight lieutenant etc is, I would agree, a bit of a mouthful. Recall a radio play a while back, possibly set in Hampshire, where the local dig who was opening the village fete was referred to continually as 'the air marshal'; name dropping par excellance.

Now I know two Nigels and an Andy I would hesitate to call them air marshal, OTOH I also know a couple of ACM and would only greeting them as Sir and not Paddy or Bill :). I might introduce them by rank however.

[Old-Duffer]

Emeritus,

In my view, if you were in a largely service setting you would be introduced and first addressed by your civilian 'handle'; Doctor, Professor, Sir Fred Emeritus, Sir Fred and Lady Penelope Emeritus. How you decide to proceed is up to you: "Please call me Fred". I do know a lady, however, who signs herself 'Mrs >>>>> %%%%% OBE'.

In a civilian setting, it rather depends on the gathering, some are very formal, others less so. As with much else, I find the services approach is much more structured and I feel more comfortable following the basic tenet: 'start formal, relax later'. It saves on the odd gaff.

At the risk of appearing a pompous old (f&^t) duffer, if there is somebody I know might be ill at ease or is in strange company, I do try to see they are looked after and introduced around. It can backfire, however, when you find yourself saddled with the local bore and he won't go away and nobody is going to help you out!!

O-D

[Pontius Navigator]

I remember many years ago on a nav refresher courseit started with the ice breaker - "I am Tom" - "I am Joe" etc until we came to the Wg Cdr "I am Wg Cdr W***". What do we call you then asked the Course Commander - "Sir will do."

Then, while a refreshed nav student, he insisted on logging all his flying as Captain, even when flying as 2nd Nav and not authed as pilot. He argues that as an kipper fleet captain with hundreds of thousands of hours he should be captain.

While he was a reasonable bloke in the bar he as also a w*nk*r of the first order.

[goudie]

All this talk of etiquette reminds me of the 'Country House Week-end Party' story. A young blade, at the gathering, is invited into the bed of the host's daughter and spends a blistering night of passion with her. The next morning, at breakfast, she cuts him dead. Confused and hurt he asks her, at the first opportunity, why? ''Young man'' she replies, ''I do not converse, in public, with gentlemen to whom I have not been formally introduced.''

[Lou Scannon]

Brian the Nav:

Just to clear up the lady's confusion Brian, I Googled the event as having been there flying the Command Herc that dropped the marker party, I couldn't remember the details apart from the number drowned:


"On the night of the 11th September 1974, The 15th Battalion (V) and 4th Battalion (V) of the Parachute Regiment had the rare privilege of being part of the biggest United Kingdom Joint Airborne Task Force deployment of the year along with the 2nd Battalion the Parachute Regiment as part of 16 Parachute Brigade group, on Exercise Bold Guard. This was a large-scale NATO exercise involving UK, German and Danish Forces.

It involved parachuting at night on a drop zone bounded in the north by the Kiel Canal.

The airlift from the UK comprised of 35 Hercules Aircraft (C130’s) carrying around 600 troops and their heavy drop vehicles.
Owing to a freak temperature inversion the winds at between 800feet and 600feet changed direction, causing 16 of the Parachute Regiment soldiers to land in the canal, causing the death by drowning of 6 Paratroopers.
On the 27th June 1975. A large rock with a brass plaque, flanked by six trees was consecrated on the bank of the Kiel Canal in memory of the six soldiers who had died on that tragic night on the 11th September 1974.

Sadly, the German Army DZ safety officer took his own life the following night.

Bob O.

[Brian 48nav]

Thanks Bob, That's even better as both MisMike and I left the mob in late '73. Memory playing tricks again: I had assumed it happened on the first 33 ship exercise in '72.
If I see the lady again,and having just moved from Wilts to Herefordshire it's less likely,I'll tell her I have a cast-iron defence.
I've remembered another little gem about that particular Mrs Colonel; she used to come and ride Anne's( my better half) horse and at first was most put out that we hadn't tacked him up for her, muttering"'when B***n was CO of the battalion in Germany one of the men always got my horse ready for me". We soon disabused her of that idea.
A few weeks of resting the yard broom against her car also got the message through that she had to sweep away the dollops that fell during tacking-up, not this lowly ex-Flt Lt.
Sadly she and said Colonel, of the matinee idol good looks, have now parted - fancy your chances anyone?
Brian W

[teeteringhead]

Old-D Sir Fred and Lady Penelope Emeritus. ... I fear you disappoint me again.

As I'm sure you well know, unless of course the lovely Penelope Emeritus was the daughter of an Earl (or more senior peer) she would be Lady Emeritus, or, more formally, Penelope, Lady Emeritus.

Many make the mistake, even the individuals concerned (accidentally of course ;)). I do know of a retired 4* who wrote to his (about) 3 or 4 time successor in post noting "your staff seem to continue wrongly describing your wife in official correspondence!" :ok:

Good drills methinks ......

and wouldn't your Headmaster say "Call me Patrick!" ;)

[Old-Duffer]

............. Teeteringhead,

I should have refreshed my memory but my Debrett's "Correct Form" is missing from its place on the bookshelf :p However, my gaff is small in comparison to that (actually 'Those') made at a well known RAF station in the south of our homeland.

At a big ceremony (middle ranked Royal on parade) several things happened, not including the gates not being opened until 20 minutes after calling time, thereby ensuring the road outside said base was gridlocked.

First, the seating cards had "Air Marshal The Lord 'X' and the next chair? - "Mrs 'X'".

HM's Lord Lieutenant was unescorted (and largely ignored by the unit's brass).

Despite being contacted by the unit but a day or so before, another 3* and his lady were missed off the seating plan.

The 'Royal' was not announced and it was left to the keynote speaker to introduce himself and acknowledge the presence of the Royal - followed by a frantic scramble for seats!

A line of squadron standards being paraded were ignored by many (in uniform) who passed them.

To cap it all, the Royal's microphone was not switched on (nor was any attempt made to do so) and his speech was nothing but a silent moving of the lips (it would be in poor taste to suggest this might not have been a bad thing) :)

All in all not a good show!!

The saving grace was that the gang of mates I was with - having not been invited to dine - decamped to a very nice pub nearby and had a most enjoyable get together.

AND ........... on your second tack - yes - the Headmaster is happy to be called by his first name, if I could only remember what it is ;)

O-D

[Pontius Navigator]

Oh, it's not Patrick then? :)

[Blacksheep]

On a return to my home town to visit my parents I chanced upon a former teacher in the market. As I approached him I realised that I didn't know him as anything but "Bubbles". Fortunately "Sir" is an acceptable form of address for one's former schoolmasters.


And of course he responded with "Oh don't be so formal. Call me Alan" :)

[musclemech]

500N:

Yes it appears there are at least two Generals, retd of course....

MM

[cargosales]

It's all very well (and rather fun) to hear about dreadful social faux pas (translation for the brown types = cOck-ups) that one can commit at such gatherings. But just maybe ..??? ... perhaps Mrs Bloggs is one of the down to earth 'seen it all, done it all' kind of Army wives who aren't fazed by anything and is actually rather fun to know? Albeit that she may stick with formal 'At Home' invitations because she knows no other way?

I well remember a CFS visit to our humble VGS and the wife of the boss trapper (a Wg Cdr IIRC) standing on a rainy windswept threshold and asking if transport could be provided to take her to the loo back in the HQ building.

Answer: "Of course, as soon as the next retrive truck gets back to the caravan. Which will be in 5-7 minutes time."

Her: "Oh sod waiting I'll just go and squat in the bushes as usual." And, IIRC, stood her shout for beers in the bar after close of play. Top lady :ok:

CS

[philrigger]

;)

perhaps Mrs Bloggs is one of the down to earth 'seen it all, done it all' kind of Army wives who aren't fazed by anything and is actually rather fun to know?

Absolutely. My father was a Flt Sgt and during the 1960s my mother made friends with the wife of an Air Commodore whilst in Halton hospital. They discovered that they had much in common such as raising families and travelling the world as a service wife. The problems they faced during their time as a servicemans wife were pretty much the same. Albeit there were obvious differences in circumstances. They remained firm friends until my mother died over 20 years later.

Philrigger.

[Old-Duffer]

P Navigator,

Apologies for not replying to your post 312. Yes, he is called Patrick.

Teeteringhead, believes he knows me and that I don't know him and so he likes to tease me from time to time through this forum - hence his comment about the head of the school where I help out. I shall cuff him smartly about the ears when next he comes into my line of sight. Damn young whippersnapper!!!

Anyway ppruners, only a week to go before all hell breaks loose in darkest Hampshire!! Let's hope it doesn't get snowed off.

O-D

[thegypsy]

cargosales

Just remember that Mrs Bloggs is the wife of a mere Colonel in a village where there are TWO Generals so she is going to be very particular not to let her husband down in the circumstances and we have not had confirmation one way or the other from MM whether he is a full Colonel or a Lt one:D

Mrs Bloggs may well be fun to know as you suggest but Army ranks etc will ensure she is going to do everything just so! She will not be squatting in the bushes that day.:E

I trust that MM coming from the ranks will be suitably deferential if he meets the Generals assumimg they have been invited and attend:ok:

[Siggie]

Generals present and him from the ranks! Perhaps he's been invited to serve the drinks. :E

[onetrack]

I trust that MM has been made fully aware of the need to diarise just precisely who was present at the event, in correct order of military rankings (forgetting no-one of serious importance)... and that the precise outfits worn by the senior officers wives, have to be noted in fine detail as well.
Then MM has to ensure that this information is conveyed with alacrity to the journalist responsible for the social pages of the most important publication in the area.
His invitations to future events of great social importance will be guaranteed, particularly if he makes note, that the hostess looking stunning in her flounced taffeta frock. ;)

Newspaper Article (http://trove.nla.gov.au/ndp/del/article/35927457?searchTerm=toowoomba)

[PPRuNeUser0139]

Quick thread drift!
Well done Wallabies in hammering France last night 59-16..:ok: It was 13-13 all at half time and then the Wallabies scored 46 pts in 30 mins..:D
(And for OneTrack - they wore gold coloured rugby shirts and green shorts in case you're wondering!)
And now back to our regular programming.

[500N]

About time we won something. Have been too long on the losing side.

[sled dog]

I will refrain from mentioning the latest Test score.....:p
Now, back to the thread.....

[Pontius Navigator]

As I said earlier in the thread, MM, as a jockstrapper, had better mug up on the recent sporting results for next weekend.

[4mastacker]

How important are multi-barrelled names in today's social order? MM might want to check how many hypenated surnames are attending this bash.

The paper's seem to be full of double-barrelled names , especially in the 'Births' columns, where the benefit-supported mite who has just arrived, has parents who haven't saw fit to legitimise the birth cos it ain't cool innit. So, double-barrels are out as they are getting so.....common (excluding, of course, the distinguished members of this forum who's background is beyond question as well as those who's title starts with 'Sir'). Whereas there are far fewer triple and quadruple-barrelled names around and which still signify a certain level of aristocracy. A certain, well known explorer has a triple-barrelled moniker and he's a baronet to boot!

A good starting point to assess the local pecking order perhaps?

[Jig Peter]

My first boss after I became a civilian was a gentleman of Air Rank in his previous life. Very early in the interview before taking me on, he said: "We're both out of the Service now, John, my name's Tom."
'Nuff said.
If both MM and the Bloggses are civilians, former ranks are irrelevant, surely and normal manners apply - or is village life in UK really based on former glories?

[Pontius Navigator]

Jig, this may prove to be the case but equally it may not.

The Army has this quaint habit of upping rank on retirement and using it too. As mentioned above, RAF ranks do not lend themselves to social use. I don't use my rank but others do. It always feels odd.

[Two's in]

If both MM and the Bloggses are civilians, former ranks are irrelevant, surely and normal manners apply -

Jig, this is true for those with genuine class and breeding and let's you know immediately if you are dealing with civilised types. Show me someone who corrects you on his/her rank or status at a social function and I'll show you a Chav at heart.

[Clockwork Mouse]

"The Army has this quaint habit of upping rank on retirement"...
Oh yes? Can't remember any example of this happening during my many years in said Army. Certainly didn't to me.

[Pontius Navigator]

Like Lt Col becoming Colonel.

[Wizzard]

Like Lt Col becoming Colonel.


Lt Colonels and 'full' Colonels are both addressed as "Colonel"

[chopd95]

Generals present and him from the ranks! Perhaps he's been invited to serve the drinks. http://images.ibsrv.net/ibsrv/res/src:www.pprune.org/get/images/smilies/evil.gif

Doesn't only happen that way.

Once upon a time, a small island in the med, saturday morning VVIP visit involved touring extensive fuel installations, trip out with MCU to the dolphin, briefing / presentation etc. All senior officers, et moi as "the man on the ground"
Endex in 1* ofice, he suggests drinks. All present speak their preference, me at end of row - 1* looks to me with eyebrow raised, I, feeling somewhat smug to be in such exalted company, respond " G & T sir".
1* - " I wasn't asking you what you would like, I was indicating the drinks cabinet and hinting that it is your place to pour'em" !!

(Said 1* was in fact an excellent guy, and did it with a hint of humour)

[Old-Duffer]

In about 1992, I went to an official Cocktail Party in Durbar Court, the very posh atrium area at the Foreign Office.

On arrival, it all seemed a bit quiet and very little actvity for so close to kick-off. Enter Stage left the organiser with hair afire. Apparently the 'events manager' or whatever had been dismissed summarily and his final act of revenge was to cancel the additional staff due to serve at the event, leaving only the resident few to cope.

This was a call to arms and six or eight of us swung into action!! Drinks trays first, then the nibbles, then - oh great joy - getting into the room where all the back-up booze was waiting. End result, one of the best cocktail parties I ever been at. My 2*, who always called me 'Chris' - to which I answered of course - actually got my name right: but then his glass was almost empty at the time and I had the full bottle (of drink that is!).

O-D

[teeteringhead]

In about 1992, I went to an official Cocktail Party in Durbar Court, the very posh atrium area at the Foreign Office.
.... a very agreeable venue. But no red wine on the ground floor IIRC, lest a spillage mar the white marble floor.

But that was in Noo Laybah times, so perhaps it was Elfan Safety. And neither Robin Cook nor his "secretary" looked any better in the flesh.

[Blacksheep]

Lt Colonels and 'full' Colonels are both addressed as "Colonel"But Commanders are NEVER referred to as Captain. It simply wouldn't do.

[Whenurhappy]

It is clear that some social-climbers get a vicarious thrill of being around military personnel. Some 12 years ago I attended a family wedding (on Mrs WP's side) and there was a 'Lady' there who had acquired the title through marriage. Her husband had recently died. But she was one of the most aggressive social climbers I think I have encountered (obtaning the title was clearly an enabling objective) and she delighted it introducing 'Sqn Ldr WP' to her acquaintances - as it seemed to reinforce her own social standing.

I wasn't in uniform and it wasn't a Service Wedding (where use of rank etc is entirley appropriate as Service weddings are great reunions) but she learned of my rank through social chit-chat. As the afternoon progressed (a garden-party styled reception) she got distinctly squiffy on champers and proceeded to chase me around the event, calling out in a Hyacinth Bucket style 'Squadron Leader, Coooeee!' across the garden. I was mortified and Mrs WP was distinctly unimpressed - with me!

Somehow, 12 years on now that my uniform has shrunk and my hair has thinned, I'm not sure that some drunken guttersnipe would chase me around a party. Oh dear. Life does deliver cruel blows!

[Union Jack]

But Commanders are NEVER referred to as Captain. It simply wouldn't do .......

...... Quite apart from the fact that the rank of Lieutenant Commander was only instituted in March 1914 although, since 1875, Lieutenants with eight years' seniority had worn two and a half stripes to distinguish them from their more junior colleagues. It probably won't come up Chez Bloggs, and many Lieutenant Commanders don't like it, but rather as Blacksheep points out, a Lieutenant Commander is therefore effectively a senior Lieutenant, whereas a Lieutenant Colonel is effectively a junior Colonel.

Some people feel being a Commander is actually much more fun than being a Captain since, in civilian life, most people have no idea whether a "Captain" is a Captain RN, a Captain in the Salvation Army, or the skipper of the Gosport ferry, whereas they seem to know, perhaps thanks to Ian Fleming, that a "Commander" is a senior naval rank, or, thanks to the plethora of police programmes on TV, an even more senior police rank equivalent to an Assistant Chief Constable!:ok:

B-Day -6 and counting ......:D

Jack

[Pontius Navigator]

Jack indeed. At my grad my old man caused kerfuffle when I put his name forward - Captain PN, MM

Having elicited that he was a master mariner, merchant marine, they were still at a loss as to his precedent. In the end he was hosted by a wg cdr. At the time, as master of a tramper, he reckoned that a 2.5 was more appropriate.

Today, given pay scales and responsibility, I would rate the master of a Cruise ship at gp capt or even 1*.

Mind you, on one cruise ship the Greek master had the rank of a Vice-Admiral, later promoted to Rear-Admiral (but then he was Greek) :)

[Old-Duffer]

Teeteringhead,

You're a few years too previous! 1992 or thereabouts was too soon for the bearded Robin and fragrant G&^l.

Were you there that night?

O-D

[Old-Duffer]

Four men meet on a train at the start of a long journey. After a few minutes, one says; “We’ll be on this train for some hours so let’s introduce ourselves. I’m Percy Pendleton-Symthe, Brigadier retired, happily married, three sons- all barristers”. The second pipes up: “I’m Nigel Pumphry-Palmer, Brigadier retired, happily married, three sons – all doctors”. The third says; “Algernon Wetherspoon-Waterdale, Brigadier retired, happily married, three sons, all diplomats”.

A short silence ensues and the three look towards the fourth. After a moment he says:

“Bert Smiff – two ‘f’s, Lance corporal busted, ain’t never married, three sons: all Brigadiers”.

[Lou Scannon]

The latest recording on the Army answering machine:

YouTube - The British Army Answer Phone.wmv (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B4SgnlVV3Ko&feature=related)

[Jig Peter]

A Berlin friend with the usual acerbic local humour once told me that the longest word in the German language translated as:
"Danube-Steamship-Travel-Company-Captain" ... which his wife duly had engraved on his imposing gravestone. When she followed him in her turn, her headstone showed for all to see and ponder what then became German's longest word ...
"Danube-Steamship-Travel-Company-Captain's-Widow".

Status clearly counted in 19th Century Vienna, even into the hereafter.

[taxydual]

I've told the story before of one of my (rather long in the tooth) SAC's from 20 years ago, the infamous Colin Andrews.

Colin was an exceptionally natty dresser in civvies; blazer, flannels, striped tie etc, the full rig. Colin was being sent on detachment to FI. By coincidence, part of the Resident Infantry Company roulement were scheduled to depart on the Tri* the same evening.

The departing RIC, were to be seen off by their CO, a Lt Colonel Andrews.

Colin had the habit of labelling himself, and his baggage, with his nickname of 'Col'.

This habit caused a few red faces amongst the Movements staff, at the secret Oxonian airbase, as they removed him from the VIP Lounge to which Colin had been escorted to on arrival.

Colin certainly enjoyed the hour it took to discover the error.

[BEagle]

Jig Peter, that would be Donaudampfschiffahrtsgesellschaftskapitänsfrau?

Scrabble must be fun in German!

The 'Col.' thing was also quite fun in the USA - our Vulcan AEO was a dapper little Scots chap named Colin S*g**y. His name patch just said 'Col. S*g**y' and it often caused reactions of respectful servility from various Spams.

[Jig Peter]

Perhaps I didn't make it clear that he pre-deceased her, hence the "witwe".
I think that while both were alive, she'd have been entitled "Frau Donau ...etc ". I hope that MM's village has loosened up a bit, or does "Memsahib Rules OK" still apply ?

[BEagle]

Donaudampfschiffahrtsgesellschaftskapitänswitwe then, I guess?

[Jig Peter]

BEagle - you gorrit !

[teeteringhead]

What delightful thread drift! I remember a (genuine) Steamship company which plied its trade in German-speaking Switzerland, on Lake Lucerne (IIRC), which rejoiced in the name:

Vierwäldstätterseedampfschifffahrtaktiengesellschaft

For a made up version from my old German master (who himself rejoiced in the name of Egbert Rudolphus Tigg) try this one, for an assassin who specialises in killing the aunts of African tribal Chiefs:

Hottenttotenpotentatentantentötenattentäter. :ok:

And for O-D ......

Were you there that night? ...clearly if I'm talking about Mr & Mrs Cook it can't have been 1992 - he wasn't in power before '97. But I might have been there more than once .......... ;) ...... or maybe not ....

[Barksdale Boy]

The name patch on the flying suit of the excellent GV staff plotter Tony German (RIP) read simply A German. However this misconception could itself be misconstrued: he was once interrogated in the American manner in the breakfast queue of the Base Cafe at McCoy AFB ( aircrew in flight suits go to head of line) with the words, "How dyuh wan yereggs, Aggerman?".

[onetrack]

More thread drift, relating to American interpretations. An Aussie mate was touring around the States, and made the mistake of wearing an Aussie T-shirt, with "G'day" on it.
A puzzled Yank fronted him and asked... "Hey, man... what's this GEE-DAY thing, you got on your shirt?..."
He was apparently puzzled as to whether it could be something related to G-men... :suspect:

[NutLoose]

I remember at Raf Odious there was an LAC Trade Assistant General that did odd jobs like pot washing in the Messes and also the odd job in the Guardroom........... Nice lad and happy and content in his lowest of the low jobs, chatting to him one day I asked why he had joined up as a TAG and not gone for a trade....... Turned out his Father was a Commanding officer at Tidworth and held the rank of Brigader General or the like and had cajoled his privately educated son into the military against his wishes, in a kick back against his father he had opted for the lowest rank and trade he could find outside the Army and had joined the RAF to wash dishes............... :D

[finncapt]

teeteringhead

You and I went to the same school - I did latin though with Ned as the teacher.

[BBadanov]

More thread drift while we await MM's big day - only 4 more sleeps!!

On the theme of "COL". Our RAAF WOFFs used to have a rank insignia of a wingspread eagle on the shoulders (since replaced by the coat of arms). Of course on a USAF AFB these grizzled old FEs or LMs would cop salutes from all directions as the US servicepeople paid respects to the Ossie Bird Colonel. Of course these old WOFFs really enjoyed it - especially from young Capts and Majs!!

[NRU74]

Back to the 'At Home'
The weather's not looking too good at the moment in Hampshire and we must all hope that the do isn't cancelled.
Assuming it goes ahead I think we need to discuss the 'arrival in wellies' and the change into indoor shoes and other snow protocols.A Waitrose bag is, I suggest, just about permissible to carry said shoes in.

[goudie]

Or a John Lewis bag. Not a Harrods one though, it might be seen as pretentious, though on the other hand..................

[Red Line Entry]

No self respecting officer would be seen dead with a Harrods bag ever since that...unpleasantness...

Having said that, he's sold up and moved on, so it might slowly be regaining its old reputation.

[goudie]

Good point. If MM is unaware of the 'unpleasantness' incident, possession of a Harrods bag could see him socially outcast forevermore

[teeteringhead]

finncapt

You and I went to the same school - I did latin though with Ned as the teacher. ... Good Lord - I didn't realise the alma mater had produced any other aviators in about our vintage.

Probably the last thing I thought an off the cuff remark about "Bert" Tigg would lead to.

"Ned" left at the end of my first year, to be replaced by "Frank", so (if your stated age is correct) you would be a few years ahead of me. But! That would put you in my (sadly late :() brother's year or thereabouts - you may remember him as a memorable Falstaff in Henry IV pt I.

No more clues, or Old-Duffer may work out who I am :confused: Stand by for incoming PM, when I've got over the shock!

Edited to add:

finncapt - please check your PMs!

[Pontius Navigator]

A plastic bag from a shop keeper, whatever next? It is the sort of thing a car mechanic might use.

Now you might get away with this at a mere £14.95:

Wellington boot bag, welly boot bags, from FurFeatherandFin.com (http://www.furfeatherandfin.com/index.asp-Q-I-E-wellington-boot-bag,48724002)

But really you need this at £65:

Smart Bridle Leather and Canvas Boot Bag (http://www.furfeatherandfin.com/index.asp-Q-I-E-smart-bridle-leather-and-canvas-boot-bag,63955325)

It even has a pocket for socks.

[sycamore]

You might need snowshoes,skis, a team of huskies and sledge,or possibly a skidoo,if the weather keeps on coming...
Don`t forget,some candles in case of a power-cut,sleeping bags in case you are snowed-in,and have to be put-up for a day or two....be a good Scout .Be Prepared...

[sled dog]

MM, i am at your service, if required.....:)

[obnoxio f*ckwit]

I once went on the High Mountain Landing Course with the Austrians (3 weeks of Alouette III in the Alps, outstanding), which was written on the joining instructions as all one word:

"ÖsterreichischesBundesheerHubschrauberhohenBergLandungKurs",

(or pretty much like that, I had to run it through Google translate so it might not be absolutely right)

edited to add: and without the gap between "Lan" and "dung", maybe Pprune has a too-long-word filter as well as a too-short-post.

[Old-Duffer]

Oh b*&&*^ks, I'd completely forgotten the possibility of a bag being needed. Well done you guys!

Certainly not a 'nav bag', despite its carrying capacity. Perhaps the rural theme could be preserved with a 'gamekeepers' bag which are now quite fashionable amongst a certain set. Nothing plastic, with 'tradesmens' motifs' on the side - very 'non U' this season. However, the very fact that you bring 'indoor' footwear will strike a favourable chord with your hosts, as the farming set tramp over the living room carpet in the their snow covered brogues. It also means Mrs MM will look 'quite the ticket' in her court shoes against Mrs Giles in her sensible flatties.

Any chance of having a man to carry the bag? Even if it's ony a teenage scroat, home early from boarding school.

Teeteringhead: what makes you think your'e not already sussed? I'm hoping for a suitable moment to cuff you smartly round the ears :p:)

Old Duffer - just off the sweep the snow off the Huskies and then walkies before the bowl of porridge!!

[Blacksheep]

...possession of a Harrods bag could see him socially outcast forevermoreQuite so. In our circles a Fortum & Mason's carrier bag will do. (But do not make the mistake of using the one reserved for the cat's fresh salmon. We still blush with shame at the effect that had on JB's hounds...)

[Union Jack]

Nothing plastic, with 'tradesmens' motifs' on the side - very 'non U' this season

Oh dear O-D! Isn't "non U" itself "non U", or should I therefore say "comme il faut" - or, for the benefit of dark blue readers, "Gosport, not Alverstoke"?:E

Jack

[skua]

Best thread for ages.

As we near zero hour, I just wanted to say: MM - good luck, and enjoy it!

Skua

[Ivor Fynn]

Agreed, this has been the funiest thread since SHFNI.

MM best of luck I can't wait to read the post Op report.

Ivor:E:E

[Old-Duffer]

Skua is right, this has been an above average Thread - and with the post action report and subsequent analytical examination of same - has the potential to take us nearly to Christmas. Then, of course, there is the 'rematch' when Colonel & Mrs Bloggs get invited back to MM's for a little light refreshment. The form of the rematch will keep us occupied well into the new year!

However, I hope MM is made of stern stuff 'cause if I were he, about this time in the runup and with all that this Thread has exposed/discussed, I think I might be close to another nervous breakdown, worrying about it all.

I think I need an early evening stiffener. Cheers everybody.

O-D

[goudie]

I think I need an early evening stiffener.

Perhaps The MMs should indulge in one before attending the gathering. Might help steady their nerves:eek:

[Melchett01]

If MM's really unlucky, Mrs Bloggs may well come looking for an early evening 'stiffener' from him! Then the problem arises of whether or not it would be rude to spurn her advances ;)

And who would have thought that a simple 'at home' could throw up so many potential hand grenades!:E

[teeteringhead]

another nervous breakdown ... one understands the comme il faut expression nowadays is: "stress-induced depression".

Unless it's your 19th!

[thegypsy]

I am quietly confident that provided all our advice and suggestions are heeded by MM that he and his good lady will not be making a faut pas of any kind at the " at home " and that they will both be firmly established after the event as the right sort of people to be living in said rural retreat and that both of the Generals in this idyllic village will be falling over themselves to be the first to invite the MMs to their " at home ":)

[Pontius Navigator]

Something we have missed chaps,

the handshake

Now MM is clearly well able to match the pongo crunch but must be careful in case it is a slippery fish. Needs to be aware of his hosts thumb during the "grip" as well.

and

the clinch

Careful not to overpower with Old Spice, MM needs to decide whether to aim at a cheek to cheek or a lips to cheek, and finally the cheek to lips if Mrs Col gets one in first.

In the latter case should he leave the tell-tale red marks or discretely wipe his cheek with his spare hanky.

[NRU74]

the handshakeMr MM should also remember if he's a bit nervous and his hand is somewhat moist he should NOT wipe his right hand on the right hand part of the seat of his trousers before shaking hands.
Regarding the thumb during the ' grip' perhaps MM could ask the Colonel a few oblique questions such as 'who is his mother ?' and 'how long has he been on the square ?' etc

[vernon99]

Can't help but feeling what a let down this could all be, when it is established that the "at home" couple are Walts:D! Or shudder to contemplate Mr and Mrs MM are the only guests to turn up, being new to the village and all that, don't know about the interests of their hosts...... "bring out the gimp" :eek:

[Pontius Navigator]

vernon, Mr & Mrs MM are no Walts, I know him. Secondly if only Mr & Mrs MM turn up, so what? I believe we have already covered car keys and huntin'. :)

[goudie]

............and there's always Bridge

[Pontius Navigator]

So do check his library. That may give a clue to wide ranging interests.

[sycamore]

Just check if the Colonel or his Lady are `continentals`,as he may be inclined to do the`kissing`...a quick dash to the `heads` to check the lipstick possibly ?

[Blacksheep]

I'm invited to a Government Minister's house for mulled wine and mince pies next week. Will it be OK to discuss politics? Or is it best to stick with Xmassy subjects like one's new iPad etc.?

[thegypsy]

Blacksheep

Clear off! This thread is reserved for Mr & Mrs MM and his predicament which is imminent and any advice for you could lead MM astray and confuse him just when it is all going so well for him:D

[Old-Duffer]

............ don't talk politics!! Presumably said minister is aware of your military connections/interests, unless you are being invited as 'husband of' and he doesn't know you from Adam (that's just Adam - not Adam Smith you understand).

If politics come up, I'd ask him how he is enjoying the challenges of office, etc but if he asks what you think of the Defence Review, have seven bullet points as to what's wrong with it and tell him how to log on to pprune where he can get the detail!!! My MP responded to a letter i sent him and all he could trot out was the party line and didn't seem to understand about 'capability gaps' , 'overstretch' or anything else.

You could always find out whether he had pay back any dosh and then ask him what he thinks of the new expenses regime - you won't get invited again of course!

O-D

[Flap62]

Frankly if you drank either of those I'm amazed you were asked back anywhere!

[Melchett01]

Apparently Old Spice is making a come back State side amongst some women. They must be going through a retro phase or just like to date chaps who remind them of their fathers.

Something from Hermes would undoubtedly get Mrs Bloggs attention. Generally a bit more sophisticated and certainly not a run of the mill high street brand. Might mark MM out as a gentleman of taste and not one to follow the herd.

Or you could have a really hot curry for lunch, you know the type ... seeps out of your pours for the next 24 hrs and leave it at that.

As for discussion topics. Don't talk politics or religion, which means conversations about Northern Ireland are right out; don't even think about being funny with the comments about Orange mobile phone company and how they are getting on in Belfast (I bet they changed their strap line from "the future's bright, the future's Orange" for their NI campaign :E). However, if there happens to be anyone from the local council or an MP there, then feel free to talk politics, they will probably be glad for some ideas. As for sex, I'd let Mrs Bloggs or her daughter bring that one up first :ok:

[Pontius Navigator]

Apparently Old Spice is making a come back State side amongst some women.

The tactile shape of the bottle?

[goudie]

Apparently Old Spice is making a come backIt never went away. I bought my first boxed set, Preshave, Aftershave, Talcum powder in the PX at Goose Bay in '58. I've been a devotee ever since.


stick with Brut 33...........(my return invites were a bit sparse, though
Quite understandable too!

As for sex, I'd let Mrs Bloggs or her daughter bring that one up first What if Mrs Bloggs and her daughter bring it up as a packaged proposition?:eek: BOGOF!

[Melchett01]

What if Mrs Bloggs and her daughter bring it up as a packaged proposition? BOGOF!

My dear chap, do you even need to ask? Get home and tick another one off the 'to do' list :ok:

As for the Old Spice, apparently they have been running some ad campaign that insinuates you could even be a pilot if you wear it.

[vernon99]

vernon, Mr & Mrs MM are no Walts, I know him. Secondly if only Mr & Mrs MM turn up, so what? I believe we have already covered car keys and huntin'.

No I meant the hosts could be walts!

[Pontius Navigator]

vernon, ah, I misunderstood, now if they are walts then that could be a whole new chapter in the saga.

Then print off this thread and publish it in the local or the village rag.

[Red Line Entry]

390 posts, 38,000 views...and old Thomas Coupling (page 1) thought we were wasting our time with this thread!

[davejb]

390 posts, 38,000 views...and old Thomas Coupling (page 1) thought we were wasting our time with this thread!


We are, that's why it's such fun!

[Old-Duffer]

............. guys, or we'll end up with a tie, a 'T' shirt, an annual reunion and all the rest of it if we're not careful.

Thomas Coupling - was he the cove who said we weren't taking life seriously or somesuch?

Now here we are 48 hours away from the EVENT Of The Year.

We'll top the 400 posts by Sunday.

If MM doesn't give us the full nine yards afterwards, the boys'll go round and visit him.

[Pontius Navigator]

T-shirt reminds me:

Jacket and tie? Whistle and flute? Cashmere sweater?

To tie or not to tie?

Colourful cords and a smart beige sweater should fit in well with a tattershall shirt, no chinos though, and proper laced up shoes suitable for a walk in the New Forrest.

[goudie]

This would be an appropriate time, perhaps, to wish the MMs a very pleasant time. Also to remind them to take notes, surreptitiously of course, to ensure we receive a comprehensive report on the happenings.

[Pontius Navigator]

goudie, you mean before church and the big day on Sunday?

[goudie]

Thank you PN. Senior moment I'm afraid. :confused:

[teeteringhead]

We'll top the 400 posts by Sunday. .... a little earlier methinks - don't think we'll even need to wait while closing time.

[davejb]

Teeteringhead,
I cannot but agree!
Oops.
Dave

[charliegolf]

Hanky or tissues? Need to know folks.

CG

[Flap62]

Depends on how good looking the daughter was I suppose.

[chopd95]

Our man must (should) be anxiously reviewing his wardrobe!

PN "colourful cords" - methinks MM is not seeking to emulate the wuperts at a polo event!

Totally agree that chinos would not be at all suitable - maybe an option if MM passes the vetting and is invited to the summer webber fest?

The Col and the memsahib will of course have been to church, where all the good folk will have had a hearty chuckle at the "rig" worn by all in order to battle the weather. All perfectably acceptable in the pm, so long as it's Barbour, and the wellies are Hunters!

[Old-Duffer]

!!!!!!!!!!!!!TODAY's THE DAY!!!!!!!!!!

[goudie]

And 'The Force' of 400 + posts go with them!

[500N]

What time are we expecting the after action report and are we likely to see any contact reports during the mission ? (Or Ambush reports depending on the wife / daughter as mentioned previously).

[Bus14]

While we all await, with baited breath, for a report of the event, I offer an update on earlier comments on official and unofficial advice on etiquette and such matters.

The book by Philip Congdon is indeed called Behind the Hanger Doors (ISBN 0-9510139-0-4) and was published in 1985 by Sonic Books. I have a signed first edition and the description reads - 'Behind the Hanger Doors traces the history of the Royal Air force by recalling folklore, anecdote and the origins of the services own customs and traditions. It covers heraldry to etiquette and much more from a view point 'behind the hanger doors'.

I also have a rather dog-eared copy of 'On Commisssioning', 69 pages of A4 issued to me on graduating from the OCTU Henlow in 1977.

Its foreword reads:

'This book has been written to help you during the initial phase of your new career in the royal Air Force, whether you have joined us from civilian life, or from non-commissioned service. It attempts to guide you in two matters; that of being an officer holding the Queen's Commission, and secondly, the rules and customs which govern an Officer's Mess.

It is designed to be a guide. In every large organisation the rules and customs of the members will change from time to time. So it is with the Royal Air Force. Do, therefore, regard this book as a guide and not as a gospel. We are constantly endeavouring to make sure it is accurate, but if you should come across a point which you believe to be incorrect you should bring it to the attention of your Flight Commander.'

I shall be making use of 'On Commissioning' on this very day as I RSVP to an invitation to an evening reception for a junior colleague's wedding. The event is not without its 'bear-traps' as the dress code is 'formal attire' - bearing in mind that many of the guests will be young airline cabin crew and their partners, the interpretations should be interesting, to say the least.

Bus14
Have fun. Don't crash (my succinct advice when authorising fast jet sorties in the 80s)

[thegypsy]

Old-Duffer

I see your posting was at 0628 today. I presume the excitement of today being THE DAY was just too much for you in your anxiety on behalf of MM?

Am i correct in my observation?:confused:

[Old-Duffer]

........... thegypsy, at the risk of being thought a braggart, I should say I am an early riser and always have been (paper round used to start at 0530 in my youth). I usually have to go to bed, however, shortly after the early evening news!!

So this morning, spring out of bed 0505 hours GMT - cold shower of course :p, make cup of tea for self and another for Mrs O-D, then a quick flick through the emails and pprune before off with the dogs for a morning walk - local muntjac, badgers, hares etc take cover.

No luck with the lottery ticket again this week so must write another book to stave off the rent collector! Now where was I? Chapter One; 'With one bound he was at her side, his hot breath upon her her cheek'. Thank heaven for the Mills and Boon contract!!

O-D

[Union Jack]

'Behind the Hanger Doors' traces the history of the Royal Air force by recalling folklore, anecdote and the origins of the services own customs and traditions.

Shouldn't take long to read then, pending promulgation of MM's full report on today's "At Home", once he has recovered, and possibly a contender for the world's shortest book ......:E

PS And no comment about spelling since I'm feeling charitable, having just come back from a thoroughly enjoyable "At Home":)

[Old-Duffer]

Philip Congdon, who frequently writes letters to the Telegraph, published an updated version of 'hangar doors'. It is called PER ARDUA AD ASTRA - A Handbook of the Royal Air Force. The ISBN is 1853104787 and it retailed at £14.95 from the now defunct (I think) Airlife Publishing Ltd. Its second edition came out in about 1994 and so much of the stuff about the more modern aspects of the service are dated.

Haven't checked what Amazon is selling it for.

O-D

[Deskex76]

Amazon have used copies from £2.76 inc. P&P.

I must mention this to my dearly beloved. With a little luck, a copy might just appear under the tree in three weeks' time. I could do with a bit of a refresher as I lent my CESR booklet and notes from the early eighties to a VR(T) friend some time ago.

I presume that the distinctions between glowing, perspiring and sweating remain but does eating chocolate in public still cause offence in today's mess?

Awaiting MM's comprehensive report with interest.

[Canadian Break]

Mission must be airborne and over the target by now!?

[500N]

"Mission must be airborne and over the target by now!?"

Into the mission, if not the extraction phase ?

[Brian 48nav]

Have you still got a copy of 'Best of Sellers'? I'm sure the Mills & Boon quotation is from 'Balham, Gateway to The South'.

Can't wait to hear how IT WENT!

This thread has kept me with PPrUnE - most of the rest are typical of argumentative forums.
Brian

[Rossian]

....will he be in a fit state to give a coherent debrief or will Mrs MM have to help out?

The Ancient Mariner

[Old-Duffer]

Brian 48Nav,

Spot on - it was the only line I could think of on the spur of the moment. I'll probably be 'done' for plagerism and infringement of copyright.

It's 2113Z here, I expect MM is collecting his thoughts about his after action report. I shall set my alarm especially early tomorrow so as to be first with the hot news.

O-D

[goudie]

Sleep will not come easy, tonight.

[500N]

MM hasn't been sighted on here since his last post on 22nd Nov 2010.

Pre mission lock down ?

Hope he remembers to do a post action report.

.

[Coffin Dodger]

Be a tad disappointing if he doesn't. Very entertaining thread.

[Union Jack]

Tonight's drama - "One of Our Airmen is Missing" ........:uhoh:

Jack

[BBadanov]

Yeh, how did it play out..."High Noon", "Mission Impossible", "The Great Escape" ...??

[500N]

BBadanov

Hopefully it will play out like some of the old WW11 movies,
with the bomber coming in low on 2 of it's 4 engines, flak damage
smoke trailing but a good and successful story to tell and all crew
returned safely if not a little worse for wear.

I wonder how many PPruner's are waiting for the report ?

[onetrack]

God, the suspense, waiting on the report, is killing me! :ooh: Did MM let an audible fart slip in front of the hostess? Did the Colonel tell any stories of nailing Bengal Tigers when he was in India? Did MM laugh at the right time? Will he ever get re-invited? Most importantly... what was the hostess WEARING??... :suspect:

[500N]

Onetrack

It's worse for us, we are awake for the next 12 hours, at least those in the UK can get some sleep during the waiting period - unless the suspense is keeping them awake.

Maybe MM was ambushed by Mrs Col. or the daughter and might not have made it home - or to his home. Then again, no request for reinforcements or SAR seems to have been made. Could have gone into E&E mode ?

[Old-Duffer]

0651 and nothing yet. Somebody take 'overdue' action and those south of the M4, commence search operations - MM must be found. Hang on a bit we don't even have a description to circulate to the Police.

Coffin-Dodger, just to let you know, if MM doesn't come back on line we'll just make it up!!!

Does anyone remember: "Sea Wife & Biscuit"? In the last 1940s or so there were adverts in the national press about these two with cryptic notices in the personal columns and this led to speculation that it was somebody trying to trace a wartime love. A spin off was a '50s (I think) film starring somebody like Richard Burton and Jean Simmonds about a couple shipwrecked together on an island and how they lived together until rescued: turns out the woman was a nun and the guy never found this out. Last scene shows two nuns walking along and man passes them. Nun 'A' says: 'who's that', Nun 'B' from under her wimpole, replies; 'Just someone I used to know'; role the credits, play the music, turn up the lights.

Perhaps MM was really the colonel wanting to know how to handle some ex-RAF type and its all been a double spoof - cue: Conspiracy Theories.

Dogs waiting - twoodle pip!!

O-D

[Pontius Navigator]

O-D, ring Halton, ask them for a description :)

[PPRuNeUser0139]

They don't make them like this (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sea_Wife) anymore..!

I prefer "Broadsword calling Danny Boy!"..

MM's probably staring out of the kitchen window - wondering what he's got himself into now that he's been invited back to the colonel's for dinner/fishing/fixing the electrics..

[Neptunus Rex]

Muscles, you are a real PPR*** Teaser!

[onetrack]

I reckon Muscles has set us all up! His profile says... Last Activity: 23rd Nov 2010 05:58...

So... he hasn't been into the forum for the last 19 DAYS!!... to consider any of the highly useful advice posted, in that time!!... :ugh:

There can only be two scenarios. One, he's sitting back having a great chortle about leading a vast number of PPRUNEr's up the garden path, so to speak... :suspect:

Or... Two... he's been posted to a foreign location, far from any "At Home" event... thus making it so easy for him, to advise of his inability to take up the kind invitation.... :E

[BBadanov]

C'mon MM, what's happened?

You don't think Mrs Col & daughter got to him?? :uhoh:

[ACW599]

Was a flight plan filed? OAT or GAT? Should appropriate agencies be notified and overdue action taken? Are 121.5 and 243 being carefully monitored? Any PLBs audible anywhere?

[Juan Smore]

Have Colonel and Mrs Bloggs threatened MM with social/Parish Council/Village Hall Committee/WI exclusion if he breathes so much as a word on PPRUNE about yesterday's goings-on? Are there severe village life-limiting measures the At Homers can take against the unwitting Mr & Mrs MM? Was it such a cracking good do that MM will keep quiet of his own volition?

Either way, we need to know! Hurry!

[EngAl]

MM if it will help I'll knock up a template and you can just fill in the blanks.
Just let me know! I'll have it ready in a trice.

[Old-Duffer]

MM's wife discovered his pprunery and threatened withdraw of privilages and other sanctions unless he desisted. Potential for domestic schism and public shaming in region of Nether Wychway, convinces MM to go to ground.

Mrs MM uses computer at work to set up alterate pprune ID and monitors MM's compliance.

US serviceman in Iraq records details of Thread and posts same to Wikileaks as evidence of secretive group of dissidents operating in UK since publication of SDSR and using complex coded messages to communicate. MI5 & 6 now on trail of contributors and several 'Mods' under close surveillance, with arrests thought likely!!

Walter M Itty (formerly O-D)

[thegypsy]

What a laugh it would be if MM as the instigator of this thread was to consign it to history like with Ann Widdecombe by deleting it! Wonder if he knows he can do that or am i guilty of treason by alluding to this possibilty?:sad:

[500N]

Does anyone know MM and can contact him to put us all out of our misery ?

.

[goudie]

It's too quiet Carruthers .....I don't like the sound of it.:suspect:

thegypsy If he does delete the thread, your Courts Martial will be swift and decisive. ''March the guilty barsteward in!''

[500N]

When do we list him as MIA ?

.

[Union Jack]

Tonight's drama - "One of Our Airmen is Missing"

Yeh, how did it play out..."High Noon", "Mission Impossible", "The Great Escape" ...??

"Breakfast at Tiffany's"?:rolleyes:

Jack

[Pontius]

So... he hasn't been into the forum for the last 19 DAYS!!... to consider any of the highly useful advice posted, in that time!!...

There can only be two scenarios. One, he's sitting back having a great chortle about leading a vast number of PPRUNEr's up the garden path, so to speak...

Or... Two... he's been posted to a foreign location, far from any "At Home" event... thus making it so easy for him, to advise of his inability to take up the kind invitation....


Or, three, he read the sage-like advice without logging in.

Sorry, that spoilt the conspiracy a bit, didn't it :E

[Melchett01]

May be the Colonel's daughter has still got him tied down to the snooker table. Might explain the silence .... after all, if she was more of a fine filly than an old nag, I can't see too many of us being in a hurry to leave to write the POR if we were in that situation :ok:

[goudie]

It might be possible, that at the gathering, MM overheard someone talking about PPRuNe and some irreverent Thread about etiquette. There are spies everywhere
y'know:eek: Even as we post....................................:suspect:

[newfieboy]

Or it might be the case MM is a wind up merchant......:ugh: If so, no worries, this thread has been one of the best on PPrune, entertainment value....100% and hey, sitting in a tent at night with my engineer in the middle of nowhere at -25C and above, we were well entertained. I was accused of being a colonial on page 2, I do believe.......:D so MM if you are reading, please accept my thanks for instigating humour at its best......and keep the posts coming. We can salvage this yet chaps, if MM fails to debrief.......:ok::D

[500N]

We could start our own...............

The snow made a devil of a time getting to the home but after we alighted from the car, in wellies, carrying our indoor footwear in a F&M bag which the host commented on being a good idea. (so thanks fellow PPruner's).


....... anyone willing to carry on ?

[BBadanov]

Naturally we were amongst the first to arrive - I guess it must have been the anticipation instilled by my loyal PPrune colleagues who had done their utmost to prepare me for this encounter. Now the Col and his better half (whom he continually referred to as 'she who has to be obeyed haha') did not have the heating on - something about being poor retired military - so I opted to keep my green wellies on, especially as they went so well with my 40-year old tweed ensemble and flat cap.

[Old-Duffer]

........... but then I realised that I had stepped in some dog pooh and it was all over the white carpet, so i took my boots off and my socks had holes in the toes and were actually an odd pair anyway.

However, Colonel Bloggs, who Mrs B referred to as 'the colonel' offered me a drink and when I said; 'a beer please', he gave me a frosty look and came back with a can of lager which he said had been left over from the summer barB and when I popped the can it was flat and he didn't offer me a glass so I was drinking from the can when one of the retired general arrived.

"Are you raf chappie that's just moved in" queried he. "Always wondered why you fellows want to come and live in the country when you spend most of the time in some centrally heated place and only ever venture out when there's some of us wanting a lift, can't see why you're all not badged 'corps of transport' make life so much easier".

At this point, the colonel's daughter put in an appearance and well, I can tell you ..................

TO BE CONTINUED

[500N]

......... she would have made every window in the barrack block open if she had ever come on base. Luckily, Mrs MM had been whisked away Mrs Col. and was in a gathering of ladies, probably lining her up for a few positions on the local committees I thought to myself.

I was standing near the food table and the daughter wandered over. She obviously knew we had only just arrived in the village as she asked "My father said you were in the RAF, what did you do ?", to which I replied "I was a Fast Jet pilot", hoping that would impress her. She smiled and to my astonishment said "Oh, that's good, I was hoping you were a pilot and not a Navigator, my father warned me about Navigator's !"

to be continued............................

[thegypsy]

I suspect that MM has not heeded our advice and suggestions given in good faith and because of that he has become a social outcast in this rural backwater and is too ashamed to come back on pprune and admit it:{

[Pontius Navigator]

Well I was a Harrier pilot actually ..........

[BBadanov]

...you know the Harrier jokes, birdstrikes on the trailing-edge, etc, but I really, really wanted to be a Navigator."

Now I couldn't take my eyes of her perfectly shaped...

[FantomZorbin]

yet .......

[ACW599]

>Now I couldn't take my eyes of her perfectly shaped...<

...prosthesis. Although perfectly formed, and at first glance indistinguishable from the natural shape of her gently flowing...

[Brian 48nav]

left breast; I wondered how much her bra must have cost and how difficult it would be to....

[goudie]

..undo it with my teeth, like in the old days when...........

[musclemech]

Sorry for the delay gentlemen but an immediate post contact report was not possible because of the alcoholic haze induced by large amounts of champagne consumed..... And I was wondering how it could possibly live up to the expectations!!!

Actually MM jnr was poorly so Mrs MM stayed at home and I flew solo, eager with anticipation at meeting Col's daughter with no shackles. I was sadly disappointed to find two sons...... although the grand-daughter...... (sorry but I am an MM!!!!!).

All I can report is that a splendid time was had by all (see comments about large amounts of champagne). Col and Mrs Bloggs were outstanding hosts, and by that I mean one didn't see them until one's glass was empty, whereupon it was miraculously re-filled. This allowed me to monopolise a very attractive young lady with the most amazing blue eyes who had also recently moved to the village, and who was also flying solo, without breaking stride.

Which provokes another question of etiquette: if, as your eyes wander from a fellow guest's cleavage to her eyes and back, you notice that her trouser zip is completely undone..... should you subtly let her know or simply ignore it and hope she will notice herself?

Keen to follow PPruners' advice I made sure that I was not last to leave, and rolled my way home, sat down in front of the South Africa v Barbarians rugby and promptly fell alseep, much to the chagrin of Mrs MM..... :ouch: And again, following advice I have despatched a thank you note to Mrs Bloggs for such hosting such a splendid afternoon.

So, once again, thank you gentlemen for the advice, and for the humour!!! I hope that I managed to keep the light blue end up, such that I might get invited back next year... when the grand-daughter will be that little bit older....

MM

[500N]

MM

Good to hear.

It seems our post action report was heading in the right direction
regarding the female .....................


By the way, what Regt was the Colonel from and were the General's in attendance ?

[BBadanov]

OK, we've got that our of the way. Meanwhile:

..undo it with my teeth, like in the old days when...........

we used to practice with blow-up dolls in the crewroom. At this stage I was interrupted by the Col, who had his mate the General - who everyone called "General" - and he wanted to chat about "the raff and flying machines" !! As the daughter hobbled off, with me admiring her...

[Union Jack]

Which provokes another question of etiquette: if, as your eyes wander from a fellow guest's cleavage to her eyes and back, you notice that her trouser zip is completely undone..... should you subtly let her know or simply ignore it and hope she will notice herself?

Well apart from the fact that we are clearly delighted both that you enjoyed yourself and that you have returned home safely (well, until Mrs MM reads your last post ....:eek:), you have signally failed to tell us what you/other guests actually wore, and what you did with your outdoor footwear.

And, oh, the zip .... What indeed does the readership think - the cousins sometimes say "XYZ(ee)) as in "Examine Your Zip(per)", but there are masses of other options such as "You're flying low today", but which one would Blue Eyes have understood?

As a simple sailor, I might just have said, "May I help you with your zip (either now or later)?":E

Jack

[goudie]

And, oh, the zip .... What indeed does the readership think

I'd have probably dropped my glass, (empty) and then as I bent down to retrieve it...........................................

[musclemech]

500N

No Generals (or at least not that I was introduced to!!!), and to let slip the Col's regiment might compromise my identity, especially as I now find there is an AAC pilot in the village, who was there, and who may be a fellow PPruner.... It seems that should the MoD ever need to bolster the numbers in the Armed Forces, it need only come to this village!!

Union Jack

I was far too preoccupied with Blue Eyes to worry about what other ladies were wearing!!;) Oh, and it seemed to be a shoes-on affair......

MM

[Bicontatto]

Did we fail to inform you, that the “open zip” is the modern high class (non-smokers) equivalent of “car keys in the ashtray”?:)

[thegypsy]

MM I am so pleased that my initial fears were totally unfounded for which I deeply apologise:E

[sycamore]

Are you going for a re-match,or would that be a bit premature ?

[Old-Duffer]

I hope that I managed to keep the light blue end up,

MuscleMech,

re the above, this could be open to interpretation of an unsavory nature, particularly as the young lady's zip was undone.

Nonetheless, well over 400 posts on this single topic. Thank you for initiating the Thread.

O-D

PS Please note that we need to start detailed discussion on the return match. First problem could be Mrs MM finding out about the solo lady.

[goudie]

Deny everything!

[orgASMic]

I do love a happy ending!

The 'Thread of the Season' prize awaits.

[Wander00]

As a Cranwell flight comander many MANY years ago, I taught the CESR (Customs, Etiquette and Social Responsibility) syllabus to half the Squadron (the other half were taught by a PI who turned FCO Official). I have found the thread interesting and very funny. Congratulations to MM for starting it. However, I cannot wait for the report on the return match! (Or the village cricket match - what will happen, zips notwithstanding, behind the pavilion)

[Pontius Navigator]

It is acceptable to tell a man he has egg on his chin but a lady NEVER.

She will be horrified when she discovers it for herself and console herself that it may only just have slipped open and luckily gone unnoticed.

For a male companion that she barely knows to tell her would be truely mortifying, destroy her make-up and composure and ensure that she NEVER speaks with you again.

[goudie]

she barely knows to tell her would be truly mortifying,

We Old Codgers may be out of touch PN, with the modern day signalling procedure, that tells attendant males when a lady is, ahem, available.:E

[BEagle]

It is acceptable to tell a man he has egg on his chin but a lady NEVER.Particularly if you are not absolutely sure that it is, in fact, egg....:eek:

Re. the lady with zip security issues, one plays it by ear. Normally one should say nothing at the time and should never comment upon the situation later. But if she's some loud mouthed Jezebel who is being a complete pain, just say "I think you should know that your zip is open..." in a normal voice. Hopefully she'll squeak "Oh my God" and promptly bugger off. But if she's some shy, sweetly demure young thing with butterfly eye lashes, then just invite her to a quiet corner and say "I really didn't want to embarrass you out there and probably no-one else has actually noticed, but I think I should let you know that your zip has slipped slightly. May I fetch you a drink?" She might blush slightly and her little bosom might heave with embarrassment, but no-one will be looking at her and you, being a gentleman, have let her know that you will leave her in peace for a few moments whilst she secures and you find her a drink...

Or just be a Baldrick - "Hold my beer and allow me...." Zzzip! "There you go - all sorted now, dearie!"

[Pontius Navigator]

Rascal






:p

[Clockwork Mouse]

The DS solution is to wander cooly over to the hostess, whisper in her ear and let her inform the afflicted one, woman to woman. No face lost by the lass and you get to ascend a notch in the hostess's opinion.

[Squirrel 41]

CM

Quite right, full marks!

S41

[chopd95]

CM, there goes a true afficionado of the OQ scoring chart!

Beagle - the last para of yours is less Baldrick, more tanker / truckie approach?!

[Strobin Purple]

Thank you MM, and the usual suspects, for a thread that sums up what Pprune should be all about: the finer things of service (and ex-service) life. As opposed to those dreadful dick-swinging 'my service/job/profession is better than yours' efforts that have dominated this forum over the last 5-10.

And MM, timing is everything. I know we were waiting for the hot debrief but you really did stop the thread expanding massively after Bbadanov mentioned gently teasing the bra off the Col's fruity daughter's heaving bosom with his teeth...that could have run and run.

Regards

[Strobin Purple]

sorry Goudie, just checked the thread and you win the Mills and Boon soft porn writer's award!

My mistake.

[Union Jack]

The DS solution is to wander cooly over to the hostess, whisper in her ear and let her inform the afflicted one, woman to woman. No face lost by the lass and you get to ascend a notch in the hostess's opinion.

Not necessarily, because it wouldn't be long before the hostess started wondering why you were looking at that "area" in the first place. I'm with Beagle's approach - to the demure young thing of course .....:ok:

Jack

[Two's in]

The Army approach to the zipper conundrum is to step smartly foward, say in a loud, clear voice, "Stand still that man (regardless of the recipient's gender), I am not touching you, but I am about to adjust your dress!" Lean over, pull the offending article up, and step back again to a safe distance, carrying on the previous conversation. Works every time.

CM - Impressive knowledge of the inner workings of the female psyche.

[onetrack]

I must say, I'm exceptionally pleased to see that MM has returned from the mission relatively unscathed... has reported in... and provided a concise ops report. However, much remains to be done, by way of a substantial, full report.

I realise that MM is probably highly fatigued from operations tension, but surely after a couple of days, a complete, detailed report, is the order of the day. One has to ensure that substantial written records are kept, to ensure there are reference notes for further ops.

Remember, at this point, we have inadequate intelligence to proceed with further ops in this region - and the journos at the local Daily Gasp are still eagerly awaiting full details of the precise attire of the more prominent ladies at the event.

We must keep in mind, that wardrobe malfunctions alone, will occupy a vast amount of media attention - let alone how to deal with them in a manner that is socially acceptable, and which will not seriously impinge upon further ops in the region... :ooh:

[Clockwork Mouse]

The alternative DS gentleman's solution, of course, is to carelessly unzip your own fly and pretend that the afflicted lass is merely following the current dress fashion.

[500N]

CM
....... And hope that MM doesn't get too excited ? !

Remember, Mrs MM wasn't in attendance.

[parabellum]

I doubt we will get much by way of detail from MM, as he said, he was compromised by a possible PPRuNer in the form of an AAC pilot:{

[newfieboy]

Hey chaps, steady on now. I only suggested last night that MM might just be winding us up, but we could hopefully salvage thread. Get back from flying tonight, and all this talk of heaving breasts, unzipped pants, and a blue eyed princess flying solo. Bugger I;m on my 6th week in a tent, remote with my engineer at -30C and the booze ran out a week ago...:ugh:Bloody hell going to have to kit up and go for a walk, cool down.....Bugger it, gonna have some funny dreams tonite me thinks.....:D:{

[500N]

newfieboy,

Just stay away from Brokeback Mountain !!! LOL

[newfieboy]

500N


Most certainally sir, engineer a good guy and all ( besides like I said, booze ran out), but I now have visions of blue eyed young Blighty princesses, with heaving bosom and well.......Bugger..:ugh: Sod you MM.....you have truly stirred a hornets nest....:D:=

[Old-Duffer]

Stay calm newfieboy. I would make some comment about remembering you're British and to keep a stiff upper lip but the first might not be correct and who knows what is or can, be made and kept stiff at -30C: but I don't believe I just said that!

I'm told bromide used to be helpful in cooling the ardour. Fortunately, I think the stuff they gave me when I joined up - 47 years ago on Sunday - is wearing off.

O-D

[BEagle]

The DS solution is to wander cooly over to the hostess, whisper in her ear and let her inform the afflicted one, woman to woman.

Good grief no! Not only will you embarrass the coy young thing if you go telling others of her predicament, but the hostess will immediately wonder what you might have spotted about her own wardrobe situation - and then it's all down hill to "Does my bum look big in this?".

Reminds me of a New Year's Eve party I attended many years ago - at the home of a girl friend a couple of years younger than me, who had been particularly...'friendly' the previous year, much to my surprise and delight. This year, she was dressed in a clingy jersey cat suit thing (OK, this was the early 1970s.... :\ ) . Over swayed the rather inebriated wife of a friend of my parents, who then cornered me...

"I like ****'s outfit!" she gushed.
"Yes, she looks lovely", I replied. As indeed she most certainly did.
"She's not wearing a bra", she contined, "But I like her knickers" - and yes, the clinginess of ****'s clothing rather confirmed that she wasn't wearing much else...:ooh:. I didn't offer an immediate reply, being rather surprised at such a comment.
"I'm not wearing any!", she then continued.....

OK, so what would your staff solution be to the situation of being cornered by a pi$$ed old moose with amorous intent - without giving offence? Hell hath no fury and all that.....

[Barksdale Boy]

How about:

"Really, I didn't know there were any ladies in 42 Commando."

or:

"I assume your fur coat is hanging up somewhere?"

[Clockwork Mouse]

The Army DS solution would be to recognise a no win situation, discharge smoke, go into high reverse and withdraw tactically from the battlefield.
Alternatively, you could gaze deep into her eyes and whisper "if you were twenty years younger, my Dear, I would ask you to prove it", and then go into high reverse. Posthumous VC a possibility.

[BEagle]

Even 20 years would have been debatable....:uhoh:

[oxenos]

We need some input from the AAC pilot. Unless of course he is a Walt.

[Roadster280]

I think the following phrase, which has stood me in good stead my entire life, would be ringing in my ears.

"There is no such thing as a bad blow job."

[Neptunus Rex]

Hi O-D,
'Twas first seen (by me, anyway) in the mid '60s as a sketch on TV, with two Chelsea Pensioners sitting on a park bench, when two dolly-birds in mini skirts flounced past.

Dick Emery? Clive Dunn? Anybody remember? I'm an OAP myself now, so the memory cells are ... ¿Que?

[maxred]

Good few years ago now, new wife and I attend big function. All the hobs and nobs are in attendance. One hour into proceedings, she had polished off two bottles of Pinot Grigio finest. Alarm bells start to ring, as I overhear her telling a gentleman - 'Yes, it is warm. I am absoutely perspiring in my outfit'.

Three minutes later she projectile vomits into the lap of my bosses, boss.

Taxi anyone:\

[anotherthing]

No one has mentioned the fact that if you noticed her trouser zip whilst looking a her cleavage, the poor young lady either was prematurely sagging (big style :eek:), or needs advice on how to select the proper bra size and style. 'Tis a fact that more than half the female population wear incorrect bra sizes/styles for their shape.

[BEagle]

Subtlety never was your strong point, was it Roadster280?

Anyway, to conclude the tale of my Close Encounter with the moose, I was trying to think of some witty riposte such as "Err, well I guess that's some Women's Lib thing". But fortunately I was rescued by the lovely **** who'd spotted my predicament and came over to enquire sweetly of the old bat how her son was getting on at university (thus dropping a subliminal 'old enough to be BEagle's mother, you old trout' hint), before asking me to give her a hand with sorting out some nibbles in the kitchen.

[goudie]

'Tis a fact that more than half the female population wear incorrect bra sizes/styles for their shape.
anotherthing
Does that knowledge come from personal experience?:E

[Old-Duffer]

BEagle,

Perhaps you could have said something along the lines of; "I think you're a very attractive woman and in other circumstances, I would love us to get together but I'm keeping myself pure for *******".

O-D

[BEagle]

But that statement would have contained 2, if not 3 manifest untruths!

[NRU74]

you notice that her trouser zip is completely undone.Cracked it if ...erm...that's the expression.
What MM had done was blunder into a room where 'Charades' was being played and the subject was 'famous newspaper headlines'.
Remember a dozen years ago George Michael was arrested in LA for a 'lewd' act.
It was the Sun wot wrote 'Zip me up before you go go'

[BEagle]

In such circles, no-one would know what The Sun is - and they certainly wouldn't know who George Michelle might be....

[charliegolf]

In such circles, no-one would know what The Sun is

Pretty thick bunch then!:ugh:

CG

[teeteringhead]

One should always be au fait with the Sun. Knowledge of its contents always helps conversation with the servants or Other Ranks...

[27mm]

You talk to your servants? I presumed that one merely addressed them...

[goudie]

Surely, if one wishes to address one's servants, one does so via one's butler.

[thegypsy]

maxred
Are you sure wifey was polishing off bottles of Pinot Grigio a few years ago as mentioned and not Chardonnay? Or perhaps you were ahead of your time and introduced PG to the chattering classes:confused: