justapax
23rd Apr 2000, 04:49
The good Captain has given up a place of our very own so we can do what the professionals do in theirs! Gripe and groan! Thanks Cap'n!
Nothing like a good kvetching to reduce the blood pressure and tone up the bowels.
Here are a carefully selected ten of my personal blood-boilers. In no particular order.
1) That place by the sewage farm, surrounded by carparks, near Slough. Please, aviation industry, we pax want to fly from nice peaceful clean regionals like Southampton and Bristol, that we can get to in our cars on the same day we set out. Why do we have to pay so much extra though for the privilege? SOU-BRU is about triple the cost of LHR-BRU, for example.
2) Crazy airfare pricing. Complex and unfair. It's usually cheapest to fly from an over-crowded airport, in rush-hour, rather than from a regional at a more convenient time for all concerned. This situation creates an (IMHO) entirely spurious demand for slots into and out of LHR. We don't *want* to fly from there, but that's all we can afford...
And then this lark - "Sir, you want our UltraPOX fare, depart on a Thursday, return on a Tuesday when Sirius is in the ascending node, with an obligatory stop in Liverpool, but don't worry, it only adds 45 minutes to your total flight time from LAX-SOU. You have to pay two weeks in advance, in Zambian Kwachas only, but your Argos points can be used to pay up to 18% of the fare, except those gained by paying for groceries. Oh sorry, that fare is only available to pregnant women travelling during lunar eclipses. But for only £5 more there is the HappyPAX super-economy... uuh, are you either Jewish or a freemason? Then let's try the Megadiscount moneysaver, that's £ 50 more expensive, saving you 50p on the standard fare..."
3) Baggage handlers who treat the word "Fragile" as a challenge. Which causes...
4) Overhead baggage lockers without enough capacity to take one fifth of people's carry-on baggage. And related whinge, total lack of co-ordination between the ground people who let people take enormous trunks on board, and the hosties who then have to act as human rubbish-composters to get them into the bins. Which in turn means; if your luggage is fragile, don't take it as accompanied baggage.
5) Endless safety announcements in three languages which everyone's heard so often they pass well below the threshold of perception. "Ladies and gentlemen, please read the card you are currently fanning yourself with. If you can't read, or someone's used the card to draw pictures of Mummy in fluorescent pink crayon, please call a member of the cabin crew. The nearest safety exit is the one closest to you. Look around, can you see it? Thank you. Mesdames et Messieurs..." That should do nicely.
6) The drivers of the airside busses at Zaventem. I think they all feel they ought to be at Spa-Francorchamps instead. *Slow down*, for Chrissake!
7) Tiny seats. Some airlines now have seats which are too small even for me, which is a real achievement as I'm only 1m70 tall, and double-jointed at knee, ankle, and elbow. And when the three-year-old in front reclines its seat, the little table becomes unusable - and the patellas of both knees get dislocated. Why pack the pax in like sardines, if there's no room for their luggage? And why make the seats reclineable, if there's nowhere for the seat to recline into?
8) Guys up the sharp end who don't let a breath of cool air into the cabin (through those eyeball vent thingies) until
the first heatstroke victims are passing the point of no return.
9) Indian Airlines. Everything about their entire operation.
10) Knackered old aircraft, where bits fall off on takeoff, oil wells up from the general area of the jets, and dribbles along during the entire flight, while ice builds up all over the place, with periodic shedding of small icebergs. And when the flaps go down or the airbrakes go up, they reveal that everything underneath is covered in primordinal grime. Eek! One British airline of my experience, one Irish. No names mentioned so I don't get done for slander. But one is a flag-carrier, and the other isn't Aer Lingus.
I don't understand why everyone stands up the minute the wheels hit terra firma. If you are the last person off the plane, you will reach the baggage carousel just as the first bag arrives. I have confirmed this Aviation Law by numerous experiences.
justapax
Nothing like a good kvetching to reduce the blood pressure and tone up the bowels.
Here are a carefully selected ten of my personal blood-boilers. In no particular order.
1) That place by the sewage farm, surrounded by carparks, near Slough. Please, aviation industry, we pax want to fly from nice peaceful clean regionals like Southampton and Bristol, that we can get to in our cars on the same day we set out. Why do we have to pay so much extra though for the privilege? SOU-BRU is about triple the cost of LHR-BRU, for example.
2) Crazy airfare pricing. Complex and unfair. It's usually cheapest to fly from an over-crowded airport, in rush-hour, rather than from a regional at a more convenient time for all concerned. This situation creates an (IMHO) entirely spurious demand for slots into and out of LHR. We don't *want* to fly from there, but that's all we can afford...
And then this lark - "Sir, you want our UltraPOX fare, depart on a Thursday, return on a Tuesday when Sirius is in the ascending node, with an obligatory stop in Liverpool, but don't worry, it only adds 45 minutes to your total flight time from LAX-SOU. You have to pay two weeks in advance, in Zambian Kwachas only, but your Argos points can be used to pay up to 18% of the fare, except those gained by paying for groceries. Oh sorry, that fare is only available to pregnant women travelling during lunar eclipses. But for only £5 more there is the HappyPAX super-economy... uuh, are you either Jewish or a freemason? Then let's try the Megadiscount moneysaver, that's £ 50 more expensive, saving you 50p on the standard fare..."
3) Baggage handlers who treat the word "Fragile" as a challenge. Which causes...
4) Overhead baggage lockers without enough capacity to take one fifth of people's carry-on baggage. And related whinge, total lack of co-ordination between the ground people who let people take enormous trunks on board, and the hosties who then have to act as human rubbish-composters to get them into the bins. Which in turn means; if your luggage is fragile, don't take it as accompanied baggage.
5) Endless safety announcements in three languages which everyone's heard so often they pass well below the threshold of perception. "Ladies and gentlemen, please read the card you are currently fanning yourself with. If you can't read, or someone's used the card to draw pictures of Mummy in fluorescent pink crayon, please call a member of the cabin crew. The nearest safety exit is the one closest to you. Look around, can you see it? Thank you. Mesdames et Messieurs..." That should do nicely.
6) The drivers of the airside busses at Zaventem. I think they all feel they ought to be at Spa-Francorchamps instead. *Slow down*, for Chrissake!
7) Tiny seats. Some airlines now have seats which are too small even for me, which is a real achievement as I'm only 1m70 tall, and double-jointed at knee, ankle, and elbow. And when the three-year-old in front reclines its seat, the little table becomes unusable - and the patellas of both knees get dislocated. Why pack the pax in like sardines, if there's no room for their luggage? And why make the seats reclineable, if there's nowhere for the seat to recline into?
8) Guys up the sharp end who don't let a breath of cool air into the cabin (through those eyeball vent thingies) until
the first heatstroke victims are passing the point of no return.
9) Indian Airlines. Everything about their entire operation.
10) Knackered old aircraft, where bits fall off on takeoff, oil wells up from the general area of the jets, and dribbles along during the entire flight, while ice builds up all over the place, with periodic shedding of small icebergs. And when the flaps go down or the airbrakes go up, they reveal that everything underneath is covered in primordinal grime. Eek! One British airline of my experience, one Irish. No names mentioned so I don't get done for slander. But one is a flag-carrier, and the other isn't Aer Lingus.
I don't understand why everyone stands up the minute the wheels hit terra firma. If you are the last person off the plane, you will reach the baggage carousel just as the first bag arrives. I have confirmed this Aviation Law by numerous experiences.
justapax