Worst ever Pilot Insults

[Lucky Pierre]

Just wondering what the worst ever insults you've heard are over the R/T from pilots are?

A colleague of mine vectored an aircraft for the ILS, chucked him to Tower and the pilots last gambit was "I've had worse vectoring but I can't remember when" and it wasn't as if the pilot was a friend and it was meant in jest.


Over to you guys!

[nodelay]

One of my colleagues got very upset after a pilot said "thank you sir, good night."

She just couldn't see the funny side!!:)

[Carnage Matey!]

"You're the second best ATC in the world......."

[HEATHROW DIRECTOR]

Years ago a pilot complained to Heathrow about a poor approach and got the response: "Would you care to step outside and say that?"

[verticalhold]

Given up trying to insult ATC. Nowadays I just wait for ATC to heap insults on me, normally from 125.62 at LHR:ok:

[Canoehead]

A few years back, I had a VFR C150 tell ME to 'standby'.....sheesh!

[effortless]

Qu' esque il dit?

[Bearcat]

Vectrical hold...if heathrow director sees your post...your doomed!

[Atcham Tower]

Being addressed as Liverpool Radio ...:)

[skiesfull]

Some long time ago......KLM pilot when refused a switch from 09L to 09R (to park at T4) " this is piss-poor controlling"!

[NutLoose]

From an Engineering point of view, you should remember that a pilot is simply a tool used as a guide before you use the correct and proper item :cool:

[Warped Factor]

Heard one pilot call another a d1ckhead whilst doing Gatwick approach a few years ago.

Often wondered what warranted it :confused:

[AlanM]

Vertical Hold has just witnessed his last ever Brent - Battersea.......:8

ANYWAY

Recently heard (from a DLH pilot) when "forgotten" MikeRomeo style when downwind (but for 10 at LCY) - and having been given avoiding action against a LHR deaprture (!!!!) replied
"Oh well - sh1t happenz!" (Bet he had never flown at 1800ft over Hounslow northbound before)

[Mahaba]

:oh:A long time ago a lady twr controller asked a pilot on final approach to reduce to minimum clean. After observing he was being caught up on approach she stormed in...G**** "I told you to reduce to minimum clean! what is your indicated airspeed!!"... "It's nothing mam" came the reply "we're a helicopter-we're in the hover!!!"
It all went very quiet as we bit our lips!

[BackPacker]

A few years back, I had a VFR C150 tell ME to 'standby'.....sheesh!

I hope that something like that is not considered an insult, all the time. A few weeks ago I was somewhere near DET, VFR from Blackbushe to Rotterdam via DVR KOK, when London Info asked me my ETA for the FIR boundary. I did not have that number calculated, yet, so I told London to standby.

I was not in a C150 at that time, but if that's considered an insult, I humbly apologise.

[Mahaba]

:oh:And...the very same lady held an aircraft on the airfield as his stand was blocked. After 20 mins the pilot politely enquired as to what was blocking his stand as he was in full view of it and could see nothing. She berated him extensively advising him that Spanair***** was on his stand. Slightly sheepish the chap piped up..."Mam...that's our outbound plan youre looking at!"
It appeared he was blocking himself.

[Bern Oulli]

Best pilot put-down. Preston Centre, FIR desk (East). Time - late evening. The "Scottish Flyer" northbound out of Castle Donnington for Leeds Bradford, a VC8 reg. G-APNE. Usual call was "Scottish Flyer airborne 2,000ft northbound". On this evening (lady controller on duty with yours truly a sprog cadet u/t) the call was "Preston, Knickers Elastic airborne northbound". Quick as a flash the reply came back "Roger, Kilo Echo". Oh so subtle but deadly.

[Mahaba]

Again-Preston Centre. Traffic climbing northbound with a Us pilot en route to the US with traffic opposite direction 1000 above right on his nose . All slightly south of EGCC. "sir if we dont get climb in the next ten miles we aint gonna make our level restriction". Acid witted ATCO-"Sir ...if you DO get climd within the next ten miles...you aint gonna make manchester!" Silence ensued as the shadow passed overhead.

[Il Duce]

Bulldog crossing Finningley MATZ north to south at 2000'. Vulcan crossing Finningley MATZ south to north at 2500'. Both aircraft routing via the overhead.
Controller to Bulldog pilot: "You may see traffic, 12 o'clock, 2 miles, reciprocal, 500' above."
Bulldog pilot: "I can see *uck-all else!"

[fireflybob]

Well I had a clearance the other day "Descend FL 80 to be FL90 or below by 10 miles before XXXX" - for some reason I read this back as "Descend FL70 to be FL80 or below 10 miles before XXXX" - ATC retorted "ALL WRONG - Descend etc...." It was quite busy at the time but on reflection I was almost tempted to say "Well I got the callsign right didnt I ?!"

[zkdli]

aahh, you sure?:)

[ShyTorque]

I waited years after our S-76 got a satphone to tell AlanM: "Standby.......sorry, I was on the phone". :E

Probably as well I never did. If I had, I suppose I'd be routing round the LHR zone forever after. ;)

[DirtyStopout]

Some time last year a Gatwick LAM departure called me SE of DET on an easterly heading, when the frequency was extremely busy. There had not been the opportunity due inbound traffic/other outbounds to turn it back towards LAM so it was just climbing on its present heading.

Pilot "Er London, any chance of a left turn sometime soon, or shall we just call Amsterdam and try them?"

Needless to say I waited several sweeps before he got the turn. Cheeky f:mad:k

[SINGAPURCANAC]

When English is mandatory for everyone!
TWR/APP ATCO: T9 XXX report leaving CTR.
a few minutes later,
A/C: T9 XXX EXCITING CTR!

[verticalhold]

For a year I had the task (cold and miserable) of flying around with a 25 000 square foot banner slung under the helo. Bimbling round the Glasgow zone one Saturday advertising a Sunday newspaper a BA737 pilot was warned of our presence. Everybody else had seen us and commented about us. The 737 pilot couldn't see us. Instantly ATC came up with "How do you keep a medical with eyesight that bad?"

One of AlanM's colleagues caught me at a slightly non-concentrating moment one day with "Are you lost again? or just making the route up as you go?"

VH

[Frunobulax]

A friend of mine had his check-out exam. For some unexplainable reason some Polish pilots (expecially those from Lot Polish Airlines) believe that it's up to them to choose the com languange and there was one of those guys on the frequency. He started with Polish (which according to AIP Poland is perfectly OK until now) but since there was some other traffic my friend replied in English.
The answer was" "I started Polish so you should use Polish also" so my friend explained in English that there was other traffic etc. The pilot, also known as cpt. G****** replied: "If you don't talk to me Polish I'll file a report on you".
The ATCO's answer actually killed everyone: "OK, so I'll talk to you English and then I'll be saying that again in Polish so that everyone understands" :D

[Bearcat]

going into Man about 18 yrs ago I heard ATC instruct a speedie to line up after the shamrock....he replied cleared line up after the paddie ....... you could hear a pin drop on frequency...... a pure plonker working in a decent outfit..... i'm suprised atc did'nt say back to the end of the queue mate....they would today.

anyway shamrock capt. retorted his name's not paddie, nigel!! same capt is retiring next week after 42 years of service with the green team.

[Lock n' Load]

This lady controller mentioned twice already in this thread....didn't have a career spanning Stansted, Manc, Edinburgh did she??? 'Cos if she did....

Picture the scene. Edinburgh on r/w 06, and r/w 12 is unavailable due to a D328 parked on the 30 threshold. The SID to the south for turboprops is Talla 4D from r/w 06. R/w 12 also has a Talla SID, the 5G. The names may have changed by now but this was a few years back.

Lady of a certain age tower trainee departs a jet from the full length of 06 and then lines up a SF34 from the intersection despite a jet being on about 4 mile final. OJTI asks "what's the vortex wake requirement for a SF34 departing behind a full-length 737?" Trainee replies "2 minutes". OJTI asks, "are you sure???"

Lady trainee says something unrepeatable on realising there's a 3-minute vortex wake requirement and transmits to the SF34 "backtrack 06 and expedite", and this when they've already lined up and are now facing the wrong way to backtrack.... They do a 180, see the traffic bearing down on them and backtrack at a speed normally reserved for descent at full throttle.

Meanwhile, lady trainee says to the incoming (in this situation, incoming is more appropriate than arriving) jet, "continue approach, expect very late go around", without a trace of irony.

Next, when something approaching 2 minutes have passed since the first departure, and despite the fact that the SF34 crew have ended their backtrack well short of the full length, lady trainee says "cleared for immediate take-off, and take up the Tall 4G departure." Now, ignoring for a moment that they still really needed 3 minutes, and that changing a SID while rolling is not exactly the best time, there's those little facts that......
a) there weren't no such thing as a Tall 4G departure!!!
b) given that she meant the Talla 5G, you can't fly a r/w 12 SID when departing from r/w 06.
c) r/w 12 departures, and thus anything on the Talla 5G departure, need a release from radar.

So, there I am in the radar room, blissfully unaware of all that's happening upstairs when I hear a turbprop whooshing past the tower as if departing r/w 12. Me and the assistant look at one another with shocked expressions for a couple of seconds, then I ask him to take a peek out the window and see if r/w 12 is still blocked. Yup, still blocked. Then the phone from TWR rings...

Half an hour later the TWR OJTI comes down on a break and says "I'm so, so ****ing sorry!!!" Lady trainee did not validate.

[bigelz1215]

I too fly a cessna 150 and many times have asked atc to standby , mostly when they ask me for an eta at a particular point - it is by no means meant as an insult - it just means that I don't have the calculated time in front of me, give me a couple of seconds and i'll get back to you - if anyone has taken insult from my actions - i apologise

[loubylou]

Canoehead - I hope your comment was tongue in cheek - I really do. Otherwise I don't get why you think it's insulting for someone to tell you to stand by.
Also - if that really is the worst insult you've had, then you must have had a really sheltered life!
louby

[Ayr-in-ya-JockStrap]

Overheard on GMP at EGCC

A rather politically incorrect MyTravel pilot asked for push and start and was given a conditional clearance to push once the Pakistan 747 had cleared from his left. The pilot readback the clearance correctly, but when he relayed the message to the tug crew , he'd forgotten to deselect the GMP freq.

"Right guys, we can go once the Paki's moved his ars3!...Oh SSSHH."

Only the tumbleweed could be heard for the next 30 seconds!

[M609]

Quite a few years ago the national flag carrier is holding short at full length, and has been there for a while. Reason: Loads of VFR light aircraft and helo tfc landing in a terrible hurry due to a rather un-forecasted snow shower heading for the field.

Hero in the 737 on holding decides to inform passengers about cause for the delay.

".....ladies and gentlemen, when the ******* controllers are done playing god, we will be on our way....."

.....of course he did de-select COM1 before he pressed the mike right........ :E:E:E

Any gap for departure suddenly vanished for another few minutes....... :D:D:D

[scran]

In OZ long ago:

A group of RAAF Vampire jets heading opposite direction to a Speedbird who was (from memory - t'was a loooong time ago) looking for climb. Both asked to report sighting and passing (procedural control - outside Radar coverage).

Speedbird: "I can see the jets - well clear, request climb"

ATC: "Vampires confirm sighted and passed Speedbird" (rule required mutual sighting and passing)

RAAF Jet leader (who stuttered a bit) "Neg..Negative sighting"

Speedbird: "Oh come on man, you must be blind!!"

RAAF Jet Leader: "I'd rather be b..b..blind that a f...f...f**king Pom!" :eek::eek:

[ShyTorque]

A certain corporate helicopter pilot was rather frustrated that he (and everyone else, mind) was orbitting in the LHR zone due to a hold-up on the FATO at EGLW.

After about ten minutes he asked ATC what was going on. ATC explained there was a rotors running refuel on the Spot 1.

Said helicopter pilot then intending to brief his pax, but forgetting to select intercom, rather than remaining on VHF box 1, transmitted angrily: "Sorry folks, it's ATC's fault -they've completely f****d this up!!"

ATC: "Thanks for that, whoever it was!"

"Not us!" said we :ok:, followed by at least two other innocent callsigns!

[dscartwright]

I had a couple of intriguing ATC moments a few years back, both in a PA-28 in RAF Marham's MATZ, as it happens.

On one of them, I'd got my MATZ crossing clearance, was squawking whatever code he'd given me, and was just about to exit the MATZ, so I called them up to say ta-ta. No reply. Odd, I thought, perhaps they've gone home, so I called up Norwich Approach instead, and they suggested I have a word with London Information. This I did, and was told: "Stand by - I'll try phoning them". A minute or two later, London Info came back to me, instructing me to go back to Marham's frequency and "they'll be with you shortly". Sure enough, a minute or so later my Marham chap's voice came through the ether: "G-XXXX, sorry about that, my radio broke. They tell me at London Information that you're not here any more, so goodbye, squawk 7000, and have a nice afternoon".

Another time I was in Marham's MATZ (again), squawking the code they'd given me, and the same controller (very pleasant chap) was having problems with a C152 that was asking for MATZ crossing from "overhead Dereham". He was given a squawk, and was duly identified. Well, sort of. The conversation was something like this:

"G-XXXX, Marham radar: I have you identified, but you're not over Dereham, you're over Fakenham".
"Marham, G-XXXX: Negative, currently 2000' over East Dereham".
"G-XXXX, Marham: Do you have Fakenham on your map?".
(pause)
"G-XXXX, Marham: That's Fa-Ken-Ham. F-A-K-E-N-H-A-M".
"Marham, G-XXXX: I see Fakenham on the map, but I know I'm over Dereham".
"G-XXXX, Marham: Well my radar knows you're over Fakenham, so perhaps you'd like to think again".

At this point he called me:

"G-YYYY, Marham: Traffic in your vicinity, 2000', over FAKENHAM" (the emphasis was his) "please state your current position".
"Marham, G-YYYY: Currently overhead your runway, 2000', QNH <whatever>, heading 270".
"G-YYYY, Marham: Thankyou, at least one of you knows where he is".

[FinDir]

A colleague of mine at EGCC one gave an earful over the RT to a Ryanair pilot for going the wrong way round the Juliet/Foxtrot roundabout. A bit unprofessional! Especially when there were no other aircraft moving at the time :bored:

[A I]

Years ago on Gatwick Ground (when it was in the terminal building)
BCAL a/c takes wrong turning
ATC "BCAL what are you doing?"
BCAL "We thought it would be easier if we went behind the Laker"
ATC "BCAL. I'm paid to do the thinking - you're paid to do as you're f******g well told"
Silence
BCAL "Sorry"
And he got away with it (again)

[Foxy Loxy]

A few years ago, I was working my cotton socks off - loads of flying going on - and I had everything all set up, and it was good.

Thrown into this mix was some american chap inbound. He completely misinterpreted an instruction, and totally cocked up my fine plan. I got him out of the circuit, and re-joined him. And that was that, as far as I was concerned.

Until...... twenty minutes later I was on my break, downstairs in the cafe having a chat with some colleagues, when in walks the american pilot complaining very loudly about "that dumb bitch in the tower"!! and proceeded to sit at the table next to mine:uhoh:

I was laughing too hard to tell him it was me... Would have really enjoyed the look on his face, I reckon:ok:

Foxy

[Topofthestack]

Working on radar during a heavy north-about transatlantic session, a Japanair asked whether a beacon was working. After asking our Tels people, the Japanair was told that it was. There was a pause in the RT and then an american voice chipped in with, 'Say London, makes you wonder how they ever found Pearl Harbour!'

[HEATHROW DIRECTOR]

Most of the items on here should be in the ATC humour thread - and a number of them are centuries old too!!

To get back to the main thread, the worst insult I ever had to endure from a pilot was when I was sitting on Heathrow GMP one day and a Speedbird chap called me "Gatwick Ground" (wherever that is). I mean to say...... dear oh dear..... Had to get the smelling salts out for that.

[Frunobulax]

Here's today's hardcore one: pl.rec.lotnictwo (i.e. pl.rec.aviation) usenet group, a post written by Lot Polish Airlines B737 pilot in a thread about ATC entry exams. Here's the link for those who know Polish:
http://groups.google.com/group/pl.rec.lotnictwo/msg/b3a0558233507e2e?dmode=source
And for those who don't here's the translation:

"I have a general question: could ATC subjects disapear from this forum?
This is "aviation" forum, intended for aviation enthusiasts and pilots and what controllers have been doing recently doesn't qualify them to those (that's why they should leave).
What they've been doing recently looks like an Italian strike and also this mess on the ground. LOT is to blame but that's not true.
Years ago when I had Atari I played a simple game ATC Control. As an experienced pilot I mangaged to play with 20 a/c and 2NM separations (there even was Warsaw on PC version). People, that was 15 years ago and what our controllers are doing is a complete disaster. You should be learning and learning. Compared to controllers for LGW, LHR or CDG you deserve (sorry) 20% of their salary (this is your level of abilities or pseudocompetence). Go away from this forum.
I've never been so pissed but today a controller told me to keep approach speed at 55NM. That cost LOT about a ton of fuel. Does this asshole realize that?
You should be learning and learnig but first of all: flying. A controller without knowledge of flying is merely an excavator operator so you should go to kolkhoz".


Nice one, huh?
PS I corrected all the language mistakes he made so you could understand easier.

[ralphos]

I think EVERY pilot should spend a few hours sitting next to a controller on a busy day.
Recently I spent 1.5 hours on Brize Norton tower and now my respect for controllers is even bigger. Flying is much easier...

Pozdrawiam kolegę z drugiej strony radia

[chiglet]

MAHABA and Lock;n;load
That is the same "Lady" ATCO who had a "Groundprox" on the Southern taxiway....:E
watp,iktch

[Ceannairceach]

Ahhh chiglet, I remember the orbiting 747's of her doing, well :ok:

[Lock n' Load]

Aha, the Stansted Stabber! :eek:

[cloudhigh]

I joint via the downwind in my 172 for the runway and it has a parallel grass vector to the seal. Tower asked me if I wanted the seal or grass. After saying the seal to them all I heard was a long sigh over the radio lol. Then I was told cleared to land. It wasn't like there was other traffic but yeah, a nice long sigh...

[N380UA]

Not an insult and it only works in the southern US but kinda cute every time…
all of which in a Gomer Pyle USMC accent of course…

"Man in plane to man in tower – give me the word and I give it the power"

[Diedtrying]

Several years ago at either Heathrow or Gatwick (not sure which one), there was a fairly large queue of aircraft waiting to get off. All of a sudden someone transmitted over the airwaves "god I'm F,.;~#g bored" the famale controler who by now was getting a bit stressed screamed down the mic "last caller identify yourself" to which the reply came "I said I was F,.;~#g bored not F,.;'~#g stupid".

[Frunobulax]

As well as pilots should learn BASICS of ATC. 95% of them has no knowledge of what's going on in operations room.
I spend more time in a plane's cockpit a year than most pilots in operations room during their career.
For over 10 years of my work in ATC I've seen maybe 5 pilots upstairs. 3 of them were interested in view from the tower, 1 had some complaints, 1 was part time ATCO, part time airline pilot.
4 of them were asking no questions about the airspace and rules of the job, guess which ones?

As for the USAF plane: do you really believe that ALL controllers should know ALL aircraft performance up to one knot?
What's wrong with 255kt BTW? I am reducing to much smaller numbers every day ;)

[1985]

I had a trainee who instructed a US Air Force flight to reduce speed to 255 Kts


At FL350 she should have been using mach numbers anyway and if she was your trainee are you not responsible for teaching her better? ;)

I don't fly but i know enough about aircraft performance to be able to do my job but i had to be taught by my instructors. Knowledge is taught as well as learnt.

[verticalhold]

Very recently diverted in the middle of the night into a well known midlands airport for fuel. Only me and the ATCO awake says the man "Do you need a handling agent or can you self handle?"

Me "Keep the costs down, I'll self handle."

ATCO "I've heard you pilots are good at self handling!"

Me too tired to think of a suitable response. Whoever you were you made my night. Revenge will however be mine:E

[artbeat]

This one might score high amongst "worst ever pilot insults":

Hadn't been there when it happened, but this one really caused some ripples:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PbTcAmw3fqY

Doesn't it suck when your mic gets stuck?

a.

[Fly380]

Carnage Matey! wrote
"You're the second best ATC in the world......."

I thought the full story was that a retiring United captain on his last trip after takeoff from Sydney said that. Sydney sounding very chuffed said " whose the first?"
" The rest of the world " :}