The Funny Things Instructors Say and Do

[DX Wombat]

Following on from this thread (http://www.pprune.org/forums/showthread.php?t=264727) I thought we should perhaps put forward our view of the world too :E
I'll start with one of mine. departing EGSU on 24 and heading back to EGBO, FI firmly installed beside me, he decided to make the call saying we were now clear of the built up area and would be turning LEFT onto 280 to set course for EGBO. Me :confused: "er, EGSU, that would be a RIGHT turn I think," EGSU - "Ah! You mean the OTHER Left" :) Laughter all round. They were kind enough to invite us to make a return visit some time!

[chrisN]

As instructors change over, bumptious early pre-solo student pilot enters glider and straps in, without introducing himself to the new duty instructor. Proud of his precocious abilities, he starts the launch. Half way up, the Instructor says, “Good view from up here – I think I might like this gliding lark. How much does it cost to join?”

Chris N.

[fireflybob]

Reminds me of the story of the underconfident student who constantly asks his instructor for guidance etc. "Shall I start the engine now, sir ?", "Shall I take off now, sir", "Shall I turn right now, sir" etc etc. Instructor patiently replies "Yes, go ahead" everytime until they get quite low on final approach and the student asks "Shall I put on power now, sir?" - "No f**k it, let's crash instead!" - The student never asked again!

I always remember an instructor at OATS in the 1970s who, whilst authorising his student to go flying, would say "You are NOT authorised to crash - I have said that in front of witnesses so I am covered!".

[GullWing]

In briefing before a lesson on a bright winters day with a low sun...

Instructor: Have you got your sunglasses today GW?
Me: I think so (look in the depths of my case)
Instructor: YOU THINK SO? You should always make sure you have your sunglasses GW, sunglasses are extremely important to a pilot - especially on a day like today... (pause for dramatic effect) ...they make us look f**king cool on the way to the aircraft!

made me chuckle :)

[BroomstickPilot]

I once had a Welsh instructor, whom I believe hailed from Swansea. He had that thoroughly Welsh penchant for rhetoric and, incidentally the loudest voice I had ever heard.

On one occasion early in my PPL course, flying an Auster, we were proceeding along one of Barton aerodrome's rough grass runways in a series of violent porpoising bounces when above the din of the unsilenced engine (we didn't wear headphones in those days - no radio) I heard him bawl 'you're like a b****y navvy with a steamroller'!

One of his favourite tricks was when you were trying to land the Auster on a hot day and she had got into ground effect and was floating and floating and floating just above the runway. He'd suddenly start singing 'Jesus wants me for a sunbeam' at the top of his voice.

Broomstick.

[dublinpilot]

DP, was learning to fly on 100hp Rallyes.

This was my first flight with this particular instructor (who turns out to be a very nice chap, and one of the best instructors I've ever had).

I commence my take off roll, and my new instructor is sitting back, looking out the window, nice and relaxed.

As we take off, I notice that the climb rate isn't what it usually is, and think I've forgotten something. I check that I've my flaps properly set...all ok.....I have full throttle......the mixture is fully rich.....oil p&t's are all normal......I can't see anything wrong, but we are still climbing very slowly.

Time to ask for help....

Me (staring at the panel) : "Is there something wrong?"

Instructor instantly leaps from the relaxed state, twist and turns every knob, pushes every lever, checks every gauge in less than 5 seconds....then calms down out of the panic........

Instructor: "No, everything looks ok? Why do you ask?"
Me (thinking he'll be impressed that I at least noticed the different climb rate): "Well it's just that we seem to be climbing a lot slower than normal."
Instructor (with a rather grumpy tone in his voice) : "THAT's BECAUSE I'M 18 STONE!"
Me (in a sheepish tone): "Ohh....ok......sorry."

dp

[OpenCirrus619]

A very experienced Gliding Instructor decided he would do one of the trial lessons that day - the rest of us hung around within earshot to hear his briefing and learn what we could.

X (no names, no pack drill) was very good at judging how relaxed his students were - the customer on that day wasn't in the slightest bit worried. :cool:

After going through the bail out / parachute briefing X continues:
"... and should it happen we are too low to bail out, and it is obvious we are going to crash really badly, I would like you to undo your harness, lower your trousers, turn around and sit on the stick". :\

:eek: Dead silence - everyone is trying to work out what will follow. After a dramatic pause X carries on:
"It won't do you any good at all - but it will really give the chap from the AAIB something to think about." :D

OC619

[Baron Von Mildred]

I was flying along at 3000ft when the instructor pulled the power and said, 'enter the flair'. At least I thought that is what he said. He was Norwegian, he had said,'engine failure'!

[BEagle]

"I've told you how to do it, I've shown you how to do it, I can do it, the aeroplane can do it - WHY CAN'T YOU DO IT??"

"When you said 'I have control', you lied......"

[Blues&twos]

I'm very new to flying. On my second lesson I was asked, for no reason I could fathom, to fly several orbits. On my third orbit I asked the instructor why we were doing it. He said "That's my house down there. I was just trying to see if my wife had got in yet".

[captain_rossco]

Here's one from December.

My instructor, who for the sake of this thread we shall call Git, was adamant that all of my manouevres were called out as they were being performed, his reason being that it allowed him to see exactly what mistakes I was making as they happened. He informed me not to ever make the mistake of staying quiet, as it (in his opinion) screamed "I know what I'm doing so don't need to bother", and I'd know about it if I did. No problems there, like his style.

2 days into training, (Im very slowly starting to get to know the guy) I went to peform a steep turn, " YOUR MOTHER IS SUCH A WHORE IT SICKENS ME",
I just sat there, and needless to say, I didn't stay quiet again.!

[Gingerbread Man]

Going though my dual cross-country flying in summer 2005, I had the priviledge to fly briefly alongside the Reds (at a distance of a couple of miles) as they went into Fairford for a RIAT practice. As we caught up a few minutes later, the Synchro Pair were doing their thing and had the smoke on. My instructor, fully in the knowledge that it was the Red Arrows, reported seeing an aircraft trailing smoke in the vicinity to Fairford, just so we could chuckle I guess. Or just to brighten up the controller's day.

"Erm, yes, they're called the Red Arrows..."

Ginger ;)

[Lister Noble]

I had a new instructor for just one lesson.
We were doing some turns,next thing,whack!
He had hit very hard me round the head with his kneeboard.
" Look out of the f"***ing window,that's where the b***gers going to come from, and hit you!"
Perhaps not the way to treat a low hours student, but it certainly hit home,and I haven't forgotten.
Lister:)

[microlight AV8R]

Lister,
Similar experience last year whilst under training... Steepturns, concentrating (too much) on VSI, having been briefed about the need to maintain height in the turn. So, there I am intently reading my instruments when a 1/4mil chart is placed in front of the panel :eek:

Not a word from him, just a big grin. That became part of the routine and I now appreciate the result.

Another one... returning to Conington on dual x-country from kidlington. Wandered off my bearing for a minute or so. Became aware of my situation and set about working out just where I had wandered to. The voice beside me said "you're lost aren't you?" hardly containing his glee.

A quick comparison between chart and ground features gives me a good idea of my whereabouts. My next waypoint was Santa Pod, which should have been on the nose about now... So I said " That's Wellingborough across on our left, so Santa Pod should be over there" I motion to our right wing tip and notice him leaning as far forward as possible in the hope that I wouldn't see Santa Pod !

Great fun, I loved every minute.

[ChampChump]

If we are including the effective teaching techniques..:
During SLMG training (it's a while back), we were climbing out when the CFI said "Engine failure now! Where are you going to go?"

Dithering, thinking too short, too bumpy, too many trees all round, too many solid sheep, too steep.....: "Errr.............................."

"OK then. Where are you going to $£&^!*% crash, then?"










Never forgotten.

[India Four Two]

Descending into Shawbury in a Chipmunk with the Boss flying from the back seat. Off to the left was another Chippie, also descending and on a slightly converging course, both of us heading for a dead-side join. The distance between us gradually becomes less and less and the other Chippie is looming larger and larger. I keep glancing at it, wondering whether the Boss is going to do some impromptu formation flying.

Finally the Boss pipes up on the intercom. The conversation went something like this:

"I42, have you seen that other Chipmunk off to port?"

"Yes, Boss"

"It's getting a bit close, what are you going to do about it?"

"I'm not flying - I thought you were!"

"Well, I'm not either!"

Both of us had been passengers in a perfectly trimmed aircraft for about five minutes!

==========================

Some years later in Canada, while being checked out in a Yankee, one of the items on the pre-start check list was "Wind Clock". My instructor told me that he had had a student whose command of English was not very good, and when the student came to that item on the check list, instead of winding the clock, he would tap the instrument panel. He thought the ASI was called a wind clock.

===========================
Later, still in Canada, getting a night rating in a 172, discussing engine failure:

"Turn on the landing light. If you don't like what you see, turn it off again."

[scooter boy]

Van Nuys airport CA, 1994 doing my PPL, while taxiing back to the flying school in a C150 about 10 hours into the training:

Ground Controller "November XXXX taxi back to flying school"

Me "Roger XXX" and off I go across a taxiway intersection without looking as carefully as my (very vocal and occasionally physically violent but good guy nonetheless Italian instructor would have liked).

Instructor to me "FuX%ing look before you cross a taxiway - these controllers don't give a **** about us pilots, they're all dopey bastards anyway, what are you going to say to the NTSB when your aircraft is cut in half by someone else's propeller because you didn't look properly and believed those effing liars in the tower? etc..."

5 mins after shutdown the school took a call - we had had a stuck mike. They had heard everything - cue visit to ATC and large serving of humble pie. Still makes me smile.:D

SB

[CAT3C AUTOLAND]

The school had just purchsed a new aircraft (PA28) to which a colleague of mine was current on. His trial lesson arrived. As he walked out to the aircraft he said,

'I dont want to worry you, but I have never flown this aircraft before'.

Made me laugh! :)

[DX Wombat]

Out for a bit of practice with a long-suffering, pleasant FI, 5,600' near (but not overhead) local small town. "I'll just demonstrate an emergency descent to 2,300'" says he. At the halfway point I get to do the rest of it. Upon reaching the desired 2,300' FI announces, "I thought we better do that because it would have sounded silly calling in at 5,000' over Bloggstown!" Bloggstown being approximately 5nm from the airfield. :)

[Mad Girl]

"You have control" - Blatant Dishonesty

“Wings to me, Balls to You” - Factually Cheeky - Checking Turn indicator and slip ball whilst taxiing.

"I'm not feeling too good, so be gentle with me and fly like an angel" - Pathetically Pleading

"If you hadn't messed it up.... you wouldn't have had to recover" - Honest & Open - I was sweating and terrified after getting myself in, and out, of my first nose down stall.

“Where’s the airfield?” - Stupid question – How do I know??

“Don’t just sit and pass the exams and immediately forget it” - To the Point

“No more solo flying until you can tell me how the static system works” – Oooops!!

“You’ll go faster if you raise the flaps” - Aerodynamically Correct

“That was the worst circuit you’ve ever done” - Brutally Truthful - Well….…I have to laugh about it, ‘cos the alternative is to cry.


And then the “You’re being set up to do something you may not like” comments………

“You’re flying well today”

“Nice Landing”

“Now you’re showing off”


They may not be funny to you………..But they are to me!!!

[grow45]

Not so much funny as bizarre at the time but "Bl@@dy cold in here isnt it" - at least five times in fairly quick succession on a long mid winter navex.
Eventually I got fed up with this and said "What do you expect me to do about it?"
His response was that he was checking how I would look after a passenger and the least I could do was put the heater on.
Duh! I was converting from gliders and the concept of a heater in an aircraft had simply not occurred to me - what luxury.

g45

[dublinpilot]

You should have said....."Actually I find it realy warm....do you mind if I open the air vents?" :}

[stickandrudderman]

On my first ever finals approach in a taildragger (Citabria).
"This is your first ever approach in a taildragger, and you've got your elbow out of the window. I'm sorry but that is just too fukcing cool!"
(The Citabria has side windows that can be latched open in flight. If one rests ones arm on the window aperature, one can control the throttle simply by flexing ones wrist.):ok:

[gpn01]

On my first ever trial flight (having just qualified as an instructor), the young lady asked if I'd ever have a student throw up whilst flying with me...

I confidently responded that I had never had a student be sick when flying with me.

She was most relieved (as she didn't know that she was the first ever student I'd flown!) and she enjoyed the flight. I was delighted that she wasn't sick!

[GOLF_BRAVO_ZULU]

How about the FI who pom poms to himself to whatever tune is inside his head. Many years ago, out of Cambridge, it meant "you've forgotten something and you will know when I eventually tell you" (thanks Doug). Later, from a field outside Lichfield, it means "I'm relaxed and happy with your flying". Is psywar legal?

[C152_driver]

My instructor delights in giving me increasingly bizarre reasons to throw approaches away. Current record:

"Oh look! There's a giraffe on the runway!"

<carb heat off, throttle fully open, safe speed, positive rate of climb...>

:)

(Four ground-bound weeks, and counting, I do not recommend crashing motorcycles as a pastime)

[Fuji Abound]

The one I heard about was the instructor that use to take his student in an aircraft which had wooden sticks that could be removed to aid getting in and out. The stick slid into place in a metal square beneath the seat.

Well the instructor was well known for getting the novice student to do a T and G on the field or a low level pass, at which point, with great flurry he would throw his stick out of the aircraft. He would tell the student he had no alternative but to land the aircraft himself next time around, of course knowing full well that he simply had to ask the student to slide out his stick and pass it over if the need arose.

Well one wag knew the procedure well and so also threw his stick out immediately after the instructor proclaiming that he assumed the instructor was demonstrating what he wanted him to do.

You can imagine the instructors ashen face realising that they didnt have a stick between them and no way of controlling the aircraft.

Fortunately the student had secreted another stick by their side.

It was the last time the instructor tried that one.

[A Very Civil Pilot]

Me, to a trail lesson student: 'If you tell me where you live, we can fly by your house'.

Student: 'Why?'

Me: 'Well, some people like to see where they live from the air'.

Student: 'No, I said Wye, it's about 20 miles from here'.

[bjornhall]

Funny thing my instructor says? Anything he says right after touching down on a touch and go... :bored: I'm trying to regain the centre line, get the flaps up, power back on, re-regain the centre line, lift nosewheel, screw the centre line :{, get back in the air... As if I'm gonna be taking in any post-landing critique at that point! :uhoh:

He's still an outstanding flight instructor tho'... :ok:

[Viola]

Just started my PPL and was practising landings with trees on the approach.

Aircraft bounced all over the place.

Me: Eeeek!! What was that?

Instructor (deadpan): We've either run over another aircraft or it's the downdraft from the trees.

[Whirlybird]

Funny thing my instructor says? Anything he says right after touching down on a touch and go... I'm trying to regain the centre line, get the flaps up, power back on, re-regain the centre line, lift nosewheel, screw the centre line , get back in the air... As if I'm gonna be taking in any post-landing critique at that point!

He's still an outstanding flight instructor tho'...

No, he isn't, or he wouldn't do it. :(:(:( Why do so many students insist that their instructor is wonderful no matter what he does to prove otherwise? :confused:

Sorry for the thread creep. Please just ignore me and carry on.

[bjornhall]

Sorry for the thread creep. Please just ignore me and carry on.

Can't quite do that...

It's one quirk in what is otherwise an outstanding instructor.

Now we can carry on.;)

[visibility3miles]

A few tales from my student days...

One of the first times my instructor chops the power to simulate an engine failure:

Instructor: "Where are you going to land?"
Me (after looking around): "That long grass field over there."
Instructor: "The one with the high voltage power lines in it?"
Me: "Errr....."
===========
Another time, unbeknownst to either of us, the battery in the plane had been changed recently but not hooked up properly, so wasn't recharging. I preflight the plane, contact ground, then the tower, check that controls are free and correct, etc..

My instructor noticed something was wrong, but waited until I started my takeoff roll (on a long runway) to casually ask about the fuel gauges (or something else that required electrical power.) I look, see it's reading zero, and quickly decide to abort the takeoff.

The instructor had me taxi over to the tower so they could explain why we stopped talking to them.
============
I became a little more observant by the time I started cross country training flights. I'd meticulously explained my planned route to my instructor in advance, which involved going near Travis AFB in Northern California.

I'm flying along on a lovely day and make a rather abrupt 30 degree turn to the right.

Instructor: "Why are you turning?"
Me: "Because we were on a collision course with that C5 up ahead."
Instructor: "Just checking."

(I think they saw it... We were in uncontrolled airspace.)

[visibility3miles]

I knew a good looking young woman who changed instructors because the first one kept hitting on her and trying to ask her out on dates during her flying lessons.

Her explanation?

"I don't need to PAY someone to flirt with me!" :D

[Evilbob]

C152 Driver: Silly reasons? Check out the thread below!

http://www.pprune.org/forums/showthread.php?t=280118&highlight=giraffe

[-_HowUdoiN_-]

On an instructing course where we had to do spinning in CAP10's

Instructor says while he is briefing us on the procedure in a slight pakistani accent

"If I say eject... and you say 'what?'.... you are talking to yourself"

Couldn't stop laughing for hours

[davidatter708]

I got a good one at one point. FI "The next landing is mine" I asked why he said cause your showing me up and I need to practise cause your better than me.
david

[mark sicknote]

Was showing this thread to a mate in a bar in HK. Not to be outdone, he recounted the story about his mate flying circuits in a meteor with IP. They made a reasonable approach but the landing was without flare and rather hard. As they rolled down the runway the IP said, "that wasn't one of your best!"

Haha said the pilot. "Not one of YOUR best you mean!"

"my aircraft" said the IP...:} class!

[Pitts2112]

Heard from a USAF basic flying instructor before my T-37 ride:

"If it all goes bad and we have to get out, you'll hear me say "Bailout, bailout, bailout!", but the third one's gonna be an echo."

same guy, same briefing, slight variation on earlier post:

"When I tell you to bailout, I'm not waitin' around to make sure you do it. If you're not gone by the third call, you'll be loggin' solo time as pilot in command!"

And what a great ride it was!!