Classic Barrack Room Banter!

[pumper_bob]

I was just wondering how many of the classic lines you people know? For example, Runway behind you is a waste. You only have too much fuel on board if your on fire. I suppose this could also apply to stuff like the 1 in 60 rule? Which for those that haven't heard it, if you are 60 miles from a fix and you are 1 mile off course, then the angle is 1 degree. Scale it up and down to suit, 1 foot-60 foot etc etc. Who's got some words of flying wisdom to pass on?

[kevmusic]

How do you make a small fortune in aviation?

Start with a large one. :}

[cessna l plate]

Altitude is your freind, no-one ever colided with the sky!

[wombat13]

How do you make a small fortune in aviation?

Start with a large one. :}

Kev, methinks you are mis-quoting George Soros who, when asked, how do you become a millionaire?, responded "easy, first you become a billionaire and then buy an airline"

The Wombat

[mazzy1026]

Class - keep them coming, my mental database of "whit" is running out :p

[IO540]

Go to a CAA "safety" seminar. They usually pull out all the retired RAF navigators' stock phrases.

Better to be down wishing you were up, than the other way around.

There are old pilots and bold pilots but no old bold pilots.

Etc.

Most of it is a load of b0110cks - an excuse for p155 p00r training with a WW2 syllabus :)

[Darth_Bovine]

Most of it is a load of b0110cks - an excuse for p155 p00r training with a WW2 syllabus :)

I see your point but a little harsh don't you think?

Anything that drums the importance of using full length of available runway or taking as much fuel as W&B will allow into the minds of students can't be a bad thing can it? :confused:

Back to main thread... The only one I can think of at the minute is:

Proper Prior Planning prevents P1$$ poor perfromance.

Cheers,
DB

[airborne_artist]

DB

It's "prior planning and preparation prevents piss poor performance"

and another - Assume makes an Ass of U and Me

[LowNSlow]

Always try to remain in the bit between the stratosphere and terra firma, the aeroplane works better there.

A line from a US Naval Avaiator training captain to his student after the second wave off: your gonna have to land there next time son, it's where the food is.

[pistongone]

NIce thread this, how about 300'/mile on a normall approach, flown at 90kn gives 450ft/min descent. Blue up Black Down, for wobbly props!

[dwshimoda]

Ahh, this has been done many times, but it still makes me smile so I'll join in! I think the best set of rules (which others have posted many times before) are:

1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.

2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.

3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.

4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.

5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep The pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.

7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided With the sky.

8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' Landing is one after which they can use the plane again.

9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.

10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.

11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle Of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.

12. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminium going Hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.

13. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.

14. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible

15. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to appeal.

16. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.

17. The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, and a
tenth of a second ago.

18. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them. (Editor: Unfair, me thinks, I think they are great)

19. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to Five minutes earlier.

20. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane
going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to
hide out in clouds.

21. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the Number of take offs you've made.

22. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.

23. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.

24. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round And round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.


:ok:
DW

[Darth_Bovine]

DB
It's "prior planning and preparation prevents piss poor performance"
and another - Assume makes an Ass of U and Me

AA: OK, So I'm not sure of the exact wording of the quote, but it was close enough for Jazz! :ugh:

[Shaggy Sheep Driver]

Sign at an EAA fly-in:


"Don't do nothin' dumb"



Piss poor English, but excellent and concise advice. :)

[xraf]

I've always liked this one:

A pilot with excellent skills, ability and judgement uses his excellent skills, ability and judgement to keep him out of situations that require use of his excellent skills, ability and judgement!:ok:

[PPRuNeUser0172]

The only 2 things you want to hear from a navigator are:

1) We are on fire

2) I'll take the fat one.

:}

Oh and another glib classic

3 useless things to a pilot are

1) sky above him
2) runway behind him
3) fuel in the bowser

[OpenCirrus619]

Speed is life. Height is life insurance.

OC619

[eharding]

I recently heard someone's airmanship described as "An accident looking for a grid-reference"

Which was harsh. But fair.

[Phoenix09]

Take a look at this (http://www.skygod.com/quotes/cliches.html) web page which lists just about every aviation cliché going!

[silverelise]

I've always liked this one:

A pilot with excellent skills, ability and judgement uses his excellent skills, ability and judgement to keep him out of situations that require use of his excellent skills, ability and judgement!:ok:

I thought that one went something like, "a superior pilot is one who uses his superior judgement to prevent him having to use his superior skills" or something like that.

[Windy Militant]

Dulux up, Dunlops down!

I thought the 4 P's was a squaddies night out

P*ss Up, Punch Up, P*ke Up, Pass Out. :ouch: :yuk: :\

[18greens]

It takes 40 hours to learn how to fly and a lifetime to learn when to fly.

[W.R.A.I.T.H]

three most often heard phrases in the cockpit?:

- What did he say?

- Was that for us?

- Oh sh!t

[IO540]

- What did he say?
- Was that for us?
- Oh sh!t

How accurate :)

[Gertrude the Wombat]

9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.
That one is a significant difference to most other training that people will undergo, actually.

Quite often you let the trainee screw up, so that he can see for himself the result of doing something he's been told not to, and learn from his own mistake why he was told not to do it, and better remember not to do it again. But you don't routinely "let" a student run out of fuel to "teach him a lesson", do you.

[skydriller]

Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there."

Regards, SD..:ok:

[Them thar hills]

Never fly anything that hasn't had the paint worn off the rudder pedals.
(works on anything apart from Flying Fleas)
:ouch:

[dublinpilot]

three most often heard phrases in the cockpit?:

- What did he say?

- Was that for us?

- Oh sh!t

According to the website linked above, this saying has a new line, since the introduction of computers to the cockpit......"What's it doing now?"

:D

[Bob Stinger]

Please don't tell Mum I'm a pilot, she thinks I play piano in a whorehouse

Whats the last thing you day after a wheels up landing? Select gear lever to wheels down!

[S-Works]

Aviation Truisms

"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons."
- General MacArthur

"You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me."
- U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.

"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death ... I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing."
- At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena, Japan

"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3."
- Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)

"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."

"Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky."
From an old carrier sailor

"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."

"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."

"Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club."

"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, . the pilot dies."

"Never trade luck for skill."

"Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers."

"Progress in airline flying: now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant."

Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight."
"A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication."

"I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous."

"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"

"Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries."

"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."

"When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten."

"Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day."

Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII: "When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slow and gently as possible."

"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you."
- Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)

"A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum."
- Jon McBride, astronaut

"If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible."
- Bob Hoover (renowned aerobatic and test pilot)

"Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you."

"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime."
- Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970

"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."


"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal."

[Russell Gulch]

Never fly the Model A of anything.

[Pitts2112]

According to the website linked above, this saying has a new line, since the introduction of computers to the cockpit......"What's it doing now?"
:D
I recently heard of an airline captain who includes in his pre-flight brief with his copilot:
"...and if the last words on the cockpit recorder are you saying "yeah, I thought it might do that.", you're gonna die with a black eye!"
:)
Pitts2112

[possel]

Along these lines, about 20 years ago, Flight International had a competition for the best phrase about the most useless thing in aviation, as in "the fuel left in the bowser" and "the runway behind you".

They had lots of entries but the winner was a very clever pithy one that encapsulated the rest. Can anyone please remind me what it was?

[flyboyike]

If you're going to crash - do so at an airport, that's where the fire trucks are.

[camlobe]

"After 100 years, there is no such thing as a new accident in aviation. Just the same old ones still being made."

DP 2003

[Pie Man]

"To err is human, to forgive is not Air Force policy!"

[Floppy Link]

Sure some of these could be modified for aviation use....

50 funniest Homer Simpson Quotes?

-Operator! Give me the number for 911!

-Oh, so they have internet on computers now!

-Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful
things like...love!

-Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand.

-I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me Superman.

-Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it.
Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers.

-Well, it's 1 a.m. Better go home and spend some quality time with the kids.

-Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'Sir' without adding, 'You're making
a scene.'

-Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to
learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel.

-Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

-You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to
read the manual and press the right buttons.

-Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every
day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way.

-When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of
a bottle, they're on TV!

-Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or
lose: it's how drunk you get.

-I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't
be back for ten minutes!

-[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

-What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

-Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

-Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never
try.

-The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother! I call him Gamblor, and it's time to snatch your mother from his neon claws!

-When I look at the smiles on all the children's faces, I just know they're
about to jab me with something.

-I'm having the best day of my life, and I owe it all to not going to Church!

-Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't, it's that
girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing
and such and such.

-I'm not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend
half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to Hell?

-Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced
against all races.

-It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow
I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.

-Lisa, Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos.

-I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will
get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss!
Number 3: It was like that when I got here.

-Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent. 14% of people know that.

-Remember that postcard Grandpa sent us from Florida of that Alligator biting
that woman's bottom? That's right, we all thought it was hilarious. But,
it turns out we were wrong. That alligator was sexually harrassing that
woman.

-Old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied
so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted
for our personal use.

-How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I
learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember
when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?

-Television! Teacher, mother, secret lover.

-Homer no function beer well without.

-I've always wondered if there was a god. And now I know there is -- and
it's me.

-Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?

-If something goes wrong at the plant, blame the guy who can't speak English.

-I'm never going to be disabled. I'm sick of being so healthy.

-I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming.

-[Looking at a globe map...country being Uruguay]
Hee hee! Look at this country! 'You-are-gay.'

-All my life I've had one dream, to achieve my many goals.

-Dad, you've done a lot of great things, but you're a very old man, and old
people are useless.

-But Marge, what if we chose the wrong religion? Each week we just make God
madder and madder.

-I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says
they have to work a lot harder when I'm around.

-Dear Lord.. The gods have been good to me. For the first time in my life,
everything is absolutely perfect just the way it is. So here's the
deal: You freeze everything the way it is, and I won't ask for anything
more. If that is OK, please give me absolutely no sign. OK, deal.

-That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I'm going to clown
college!

-Beer: The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.

-If something's hard to do, then it's not worth doing

-I'm in no condition to drive...wait! I shouldn't listen to myself, I'm drunk!

-'To Start Press Any Key'. Where's the ANY key?