Tech Log Entries

[Satis]

Anyone heard any good tech log entries. I know a buddy of mine got a bollocking from Q boys in BA for answering a long standing intermittant defect which was written up by a stroppy driver with:
Defect: Left A/P overshoots on altitude capture intermittantly.
Action: Crew changed. Ops now satis.

[CCA]

Entry :Pax lost dentures in toilet J
Reply :Went fishing for teeth sorry no bites

[gas path]

Defect: ASR raised due wake turbulence on approach
Action: noted and dont drive so close!

[greycone]

An old but good one......Pirep,#2 engine missing.Reply,#2 engine found on wing after exhaustive search.

[woftam]

#4 brake almost worn to limits
#4 brake almost changed.

cockroach seen entering forward galley
cockroach seen leaving forward galley

Captains seat uncomfortable
Captain changed

[Le Pen]

Hiya,

DEF: Captins pen holder missing
ACT: Nil stock, please use stowage behind L or R ear.

Love

Le Pen

------------------
Nil Fault Found.....My A**e

[greaseytech]

Another old but good one,
'Something lose on flight deck'.
'Something tightened on flight deck'.

Or Duct F****d. Replaced with unf****d item.

[gas path]

defect: capts seat squab hard and uncomfortable
action: swapped with f/os.


(that didnt go down too well with f/o!!!)

[Ailing Bob]

[ 15 September 2001: Message edited by: Ailing Bob ]

[The hippy]

dead mouse seen in radio rack
dead mouse removed, servicable item fitted.


nav. light half full of water
nav. light topped up

galley stowage needs painting badly
galley stowage already painted badly

unfamiliar noise heard from right hand engine
engine monitored and noise now familiar to engineering

[gaterbait]

IFF does not work in OFF MODE
Does this require a signoff?

[This message has been edited by gaterbait (edited 13 December 1999).]

[longarm]

Defect: Flight deck filthy, not fit for pigs.

Reply: Flight deck cleaned, now fit for pigs.

[CCA]

Defect:A/C failed to flair during autoland resulting in heavy landing.
Reply:Autoland not fitted to this A/C.

[Wiggly Amp]

Another Oldie but a personal favourite

Evidence of hydraulic leak on main landing gear

Evidence removed

[Pikvanman]

DEFECT.noise in first class cabin.Engineer who signed off this previously needs his ears testing.
ACTION.rectified louvre leak.Had a quiet word with aforementioned engineer,but!

[growler]

The following defect is true, the sign off was written on a photocopy of TLP and faxed to base as a joke.. Copy fell into wrong hands, got me in mucho trouble:

DEF: Ailerons stiff in both directions
ACT: Full and thorough aileron function carried out using both hydraulic systems and manual control,unable to fault. Max force reqd using manual control measured at 15lbf.
Suggest Captain takes body building lessons and stops wanking at night.

[Satis]

This one's for real on a Boeing bigjet in an Asian outpost. Written by local trained hero engineer!!!!
Defect: No.1 Engine fire alarm sounded during cruise. Throttle retarded and fire alarm stopped after a short period.
Action: Fire test carried out satis. Plse report further.

[Pikvanman]

There I was filling my face with a E.L.T sandwich(my reward from the nbr1 flighty for flashing my Gerber and extracting offending foil cos his oven wasn't hot)and discussing the layover crews bed hopping,when the lady F/O came to the galley and asked me to take a look at her seat!Well I can say that as she sauntered back to the flight deck it looked fine to me but of course it warranted closer examination.Anyway I completed the cabin log entry;IFE needs latino and mambo with the sign off,latino and mambo fitter off duty.(he,s the one with the shades and pink cadillac)Feeling in fine pencil whippin form I breezed up to the flt. deck and answered entry;f/o's map light lacks intensity and direction with ;directed map light at map intensely.
No doubt another reaming by Q.A. if they should come across it.But my stamp is very smudgy these days.

[Checkboard]

"Small cockraoch seen in fwd. galley"

"Cockroach measured, and found to be within MM limits."

[spanners]

From DC10 returning from JFK

"Nude copulating couple found in J Toilet, which set off smoke detector"

"?@£$%^%!!!!!!!"

[TechRecs]

I saw i good one whilst in Germany, doing the records for a new ailine out of munich. It was basically a problem with the rear bog on an A320 ( due to the trolly dollies not knowing what to do with the rubbish). So the pilot entered on the TLP :
Defect: Rear lav still blocked, no amount of excessive flushing works to get the **** out!!!!
Action: Noted with thanks

Rubber glove time i think, now wheres that apprentice!!!!!!!!!!

[spanners]

Talking of apprentices.....I once had a great lad working for me whom I had instructed to feel around the appropriately named dump valve in a bog tank to see what was holding it up. he pulled up a case hardened stool, at which point I legged it. He took off the glove, stool and all and left it in the bog........another friendship down the pan........

[Slasher]

After we Aussies hit the place here years ago the local Asian engineers thought the word "sh*t" was a normal everyday English word till we eventualy (and reluctantly) informed them otherwise!.

Defect
Engine #1 High AVM up to 5 units on initial descent
Action
Tested ok. Please report if this sh*t happens again with eng power reading

Defect
APU autoshutdown due low oil press during start
Action
Checked. APU oil system has sh*t itself. In DD log due nil time

Defect
Strong smell of of possibly spilled contaminants in aft cargo hold
Action
This smelly sh*t removed. Cargo clean

Defect
FMC inop
Action
Bite test carried out and CBs cycled. Entered into DD log due no time to carry out any more sh*t

Defect (badly written)
%#$^hyd Sys A !#@^$% when flaps @#@!#$%
Action
Please explain. Cannot understand this sh*t


Made for great reading! :)

[Flying Banana]

QA loved this:

Def: Cockroach seen in First Class Galley

Act: Boarding card checked, cockroach removed to World Traveller and informed of no upgrade policy

Also from Gib log:

Def: Birdstrike on F/Os windscreen at FL230. Dent in roof panel, new seat cushion required, F/O requires drycleaning due tea spillage.

And who says the drivers have no sense of humour!! :)

[This message has been edited by Flying Banana (edited 01 January 2000).]

[growler]

Just seen this one on a tech log from 31/12/99 last flight of the day;
capt:"HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!"
eng:"THIS IS A LEGAL DOCUMENT, NOT A FORUM FOR SOCIAL COMMENTS!"

Looks like a bad case of sense of humour failure from someone working Millenium Eve nights to me. And to think I invited those guys over to the office for a glass of champers at midnight too! Les Miserables!!

[Blacksheep]

Hey Growler, sounds like someone from Quality Assurance, drafted in to cover a manpower shortage :)



------------------

Info noted. Plse report further.

[skydozer]

Todays stumper for me:
defect: Strobe lights are intermitent

Well what could you say!!!!!

Rect: defect not confimed, report further occourances

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V1....V2....oh crap...

[TechRecs]

The first one was not off a tech log but an ASR,

Report. Birdstrike during rotation on T/O, Believed to have been a swallow.

Ok an a/c's slamming down the runway at 90-120kts, carrying 180 pax and the pilots worried about bloody ornithology!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. I think im taking the bus from now on.

2nd one from a tech log or more superimposed on it

Defct: cant remember but basically some sort of FADEC problem. But the pilot has decided to write a love letter top his girlfreind ( or the purser)and forgotten that the pages under the top copy are carbonated
"Dearest Deborah, Ilove you so much, more now than ever!!!!......" AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW retch!!!

Pilots, oh those cheeky chappies

[Satis]

Defect: Number one engine missing.
Action: After a brief search number one engine located under left wing.