Favourite Military Banter/Phrases

[Anton Meyer]

Guys,

I have had another crappy day at the very sharp end: I need a laugh and some of these threads are too serious for my liking.

So, my question is this:

What is the best banter you have heard?





And if this is a thread already covered elsewhere, please forgive me, I am tired.:sad:

[I_stood_in_the_door]

How about:

'I think he is f**king breathing!'

'He's pretending to be f**cking dead!'

'He's pretending to be f**cking dead!'

Sound of the trusty 6 teeeeen!!

'He is now!'

Priceless - surely the quote of the battle.

All rise for the USMC Expeditionary Force.

lfogootfw

ISITD

:8

[Grimweasel]

"Change Fatigue" is a real problem (U need to know)

Yes, I hate changing from Wine to beer when out as it makes you feel queer......beer then wine tho, feel fine!! (Good advice for Christmas season)

[Echo 5]

BLOODY HELL !!

ISITD and the Grim person are both back in circulation. Might get some decent banter going now.

Cue for ABIW to come steaming in.

Only just realised how bored I've been recently.

E5:ok:

[Lee Jung]

After a paticularly sweaty 6 hours flying rat-packs ashore in Sierra Leone and returning to mother for crew-change I made a particularly hairy-arsed flare to 'the black pig'. Obviously too hairy arsed - as soon as the telebrief was in Little-F piped up, "If you want to make approaches like that my boy, get off my ship and buy a F*$king stetson". Funny and suitably humiliating at the same time.

I think the best banter from the realms of history occured when a female MP harshly rebuked Winston Churchill for addressing the house when under the influence. His response, "Yes madam, I am drunk, very, very drunk. But you are ugly, very,very ugly and in the morning I shall be sober".

Beautiful.

[BEagle]

Allegedly Churchill uttered those words to Lady Astor when the Churchills and Astors were house guests of the Duke of Marlborough one weekend at Blenheim.

And the beverage in question was coffee. Hence WSC would have been at little risk as his preferred tipple was a good brandy.

[izod tester]

Sir Thomas Beecham:

During a rehearsal, he thought that his female soloist was playing less than adequately on her fine Italian cello. He stopped the orchestra and declared: "Madam, you have between your legs an instrument capable of giving pleasure to thousands, and all you can do is scratch it!"

[BEagle]

A joke which the Senior Student recounted at the ULAS Annual Dinner in (I think) 1971-ish!

Unfortunately, DWRAF was not very impressed. Very p*ssed off, in fact - as the Boss soon discovered! Particularly as the chap also told the one about measuring WRAFs for trousers... (Not the "Use a metre rule, take the wet from the dry and add 3" for the turnups" line, but one almost as bad!)

[Surditas]

Former Australian Prime Minister Sir Robert Menzies was out on the hustings one day when a woman shouted out "I wouldn't vote for you if you were Jesus Christ" to which Menzies replied "Madam, if that were the case, you would not be in my electorate".

[Front Seater]

Anton,

Do you remember the days of The Mistress (RIP) :{ :{ :( :{ and The Bar threads, now those were probably the best Prune days that I remember - and still the serious threads, but always the option to pop in for a bit of banter and friendly abuse!

[gravity victim]

Churchill was once on the receiving end of a long, insulting and angry verbal attack from a Labour MP called Bossom. The House hushed expectantly as the great man rose ponderously to reply. A long pause, and he then mused "A curious name, Bossom, neither one thing nor the other..." collapse of Bossom and the whole Commons. :D

[Hueymeister]

Hey Lee, would the Little F in question be the same 'Height, Speed, Ball me old bucket'?

I witnessed some of his put downs whilst embarked in the 'Black Pig' too..mostly whilst shipping Rats/Water ashore to the delightful Lunghi Airport!!!

[adr]

One I heard about only yesterday. A female instructor is telling the class that a test will take place tomorrow and no excuses for poor performance will be entertained. One would-be wag asks, "Not even if I'm suffering total sexual exhaustion?"
Unfazed, she replies, "If that's the case, sonny, you'll have to use your other hand to write your answers."

adr

[Fg Off Max Stout]

You have to read the detritus linked to on the harrier crash thread. Most of it makes me sad to be alive in a world with such retarded people allowed to breed but there was one pro-celebrity banter gem:

'It just happens to be a battery shaped like a man. Right. Just like youre an idiot shaped like a homo.'

That's actually moderately funny.

[Get me some traffic]

RAF Valley, early 1970s. Rwy 32, two lightnings holding west side, one gnat holding east side. Controller (me) mistakenly clears gnat for take off first. As said aircraft is rolling down the runway a voice says, "nasty little roller skate."

[Av18tor]

A very, very Beautiful young police woman on horse back In London a few years ago, Long blonde hair down to her lower back in a pony tail, absolutely stunning lady... typical english rose... get the picture? (think her name was Lesley...)

Abnoxious youth, drunk and insulting walking along the road making jibes at the police at every oportunity trying to make himself look good infront of his troglodite mates...

Yob shouts at Lady on horseback " Oi missis, Your Fcuking 'orse is foaming at the mouth!!" and laughs out loud looking for support from his mates...

Totally composed and with out hesitation she replied as quick as a flash " If you had just spent the last eight hours in between my legs, I suspect you would be foaming at the mouth aswell!"

Well Yob was truely gobsmacked and very red faced... I smiled at the vision of beauty and received such a sexy wink back... made my day... no make that my year!

It was one of those absolutely priceless moments in life!!

[albert the first]

Gosh you have had a very sheltered life:8

[An Teallach]

The Head Dragon (DWRAF) on leaving work one night signed off her signals and went home.

At 01.00 an orderly officer on a station in the outer islands of Scotland was woken to go to the commcen to sign for a priority signal. He read (something like):

PRIORITY

FM: DWRAF

ABA/YAA 211800ZOCT1991

DWRAF has approved the following shades and brands of stockings and tights for wearing with WRAF uniform:

Boots: Autumn Shade
Pretty Polly: Dusk
etc. etc.

Not a happy bunny to have been woken up for this, he asked for a message pad and wrote:

IMMEDIATE

Personal For DWRAF

Your ABA/YAA 211800ZOCT1991 Acknowledged. Will comply.

And asked the operator to send it. He then went to bed.

After an uneventful night's orderly officer duty he was invited by a rather terse stn cdr to join him for an Axminster Shuffle (with hat) at 08:30.

On presenting himself, he was told not to do it again in no uncertain terms as the stn cdr did not appreciate fire from the Dragon at silly o'clock a.m.

Apparently, MOD rules had required that the signal be sent by messenger to DWAF's residence. When it arrived at about 02:30, she couldn't remember what her ABA/YAA211800Z... was all about so had got dressed and had driven in to MOD, arriving at @ 03:30.

She had then spent 2 hours searching her office for a signal which warranted such a high priority acknowledgement before finding the stocking signal at @ 05:45.

At this point the stn cdr could no longer keep a straight face, told the miscreant to take off his hat and have a seat, and asked his secretary to bring in tea and biccies for the pair of them.

The miscreant left the office with both him and the stn cdr in tears, laughing.

[BEagle]

Brilliant! The thought of some old bat being on the receiving end of such utter triv has brightened up an otherwise gloomy autumnal day :D!

Ah - the joys of the overnight Priority signal!

There's probably sufficient material available for a whole new thread on 'Stupid signals'........

It always seemed that the Blunt Ones would let their out trays build up to critical mass just before stacking for the weekend on Friday morning, then write Priority on everything before scuttling off home. So various mates would be hauled from their scratchers at oh-dark-whenever to read about flooded police dog kennels in the Falklands, volunteers for expeditions - or gliding competition results......

[Gainesy]

Akronelli 1971-2ish.

A Love & Kisses Argosy was doing a drop over the Salt Lake DZ, about 2 miles north of the airfield. Ejects stream of coloured parachutes.

Cue Lightning mate on finals "Good Lord. That Argosy's just been sick!"

[Jacks Down]

My nomination for 'stupid signals' is the FLASH message sent to RAF Det Ali Al Salem, circa 2000, the first line of which read 'not for out of hours action'... thanks.

[Mr C Hinecap]

There was a star of an officer (God Rest) who released a signal telling the entire signal-receiving world that the RAF was forming a Surf Club. Some people were not amused or interested.

[Winnie]

Whilst serving as a Commo officer in the RNoN, we had a young signaller who mistakenly wrote (with correct routing) the invite for a cocktail party at our unit, addressed to all participants, including:
"HRH The DUCK of York" ,Our CO was not amused of having to apologize...

[Aynayda Pizaqvick]

This quality piece of ‘sledging’ occurred during a test match some years ago. Though I cannot remember the players involved I believe it went something like this…

After yet another delivery the fast bowler says to the batsmen ‘How did you manage to get so damn fat?’

Without delay for thought the batsmen replied ‘Because every time I F@*k your missus she gives we biscuits and milk!’

One bowler put firmly back in his box!

[cargosales]

More Churchill:

WSC at a reception in Canada was seated next to a fire breathing Methodist minister.

Pretty waitress approached with a tray of drinks and Churchill accepted. She turned to offer the minister a drink who declared "I would rather commit adultery than have alcohol pass my lips"

From WSC came " Come back young lady, I didn't realise we had a choice"


And

In a Commons debate during a particularly tedious speech from a member of the opposition Churchill appeared to nod off. His opponent asked Must you fall asleep when I'm speaking?"

The reply: "No, it's purely optional"



And a good way to impress the boss from UAS days:

Boss very underwhelmed at numbers signed up for enforced 'fun' games night starts questioning people about their excuses:

"XXX, why aren't you going?"

"Because I don't like them Sir"

Boss very unimpressed. "Oh really?"

"Yes Sir, I really don't like them"


CS

[Lee Jung]

Young holdover giving the morning brief in Bosnia-
"...and the next task is to move 10 fuel bollocks.."

CO chips in "Surely you mean APFCs S/Lt Bloggs"

"No, bollocks Sir."

[BEagle]

At Heaven-in-Devon, met brief was always entertaining.

The S Nav O was told off for using his finger to point out various things on his OHP slides. So he made a pointer. Next day, on with the slides and then the pointer. The whole place fell about - because the pointer was a broad, arrow shaped device with a slightly rounded end. It looked just as if he'd slapped his tadger onto the OHP! Stn Cdr thought he was taking the pi$$ and went puce!

Stn Cdr was always asking questions at the student recce briefs. Those tedious things about Russian tanks with slack tracks, curved handrails etc. One of his favourites was "How can you tell it from one of ours?"... One day the late 'Shlib' Wxly came up with the closing line "And for those who want to know the difference between one of ours and one of theirs, theirs'll be heading west and ours will be heading east!"

Another mate opened with "The release range of the xxxx is 1667 yards. The T-whatever tank is nn feet long. At 1667 yards that's (some very small value) mills. Here is the sight picture of the T-whatever at 1667 yards...."

It was about the size of a piece of fly sh*t. But he went on: "You will note the curved handrails on the turrret, the overlapping GT wheels, the fume extractor at the end of the barrel, the slack tracks....." Again, the whole place fell about - except fot the Stn Cdr whose neck went deep purple.

Sometime afterwards a message came down from on high requiring the recce briefs to be taken more seriously!

[EESDL]

Hueymeister
Atleast he was able to get to The Point without being beaten up!!

[Wwyvern]

In the early 60s, the fighter force had weekly aircraft recognition tests in squadron, with a monthly test sent to Group for marking.

We had to note the wingspans of each test aircraft, so that we could set the wingspan of our intended targets into the gunsight.

One of our number declared that this was b**ll**cks, as all we need to know was if the aircraft was theirs or ours and if it was big or small (all bombers had 50ft wingspans and all fighters had 30ft, approx).

So, on the next Group test, he answered "Theirs small", "Ours large" etc. The results of the test came down with the AOC's comment, "If Flt Lt Bloggs persists in this novel way of identifying aircraft, he will have my large up his small."

End of innovation.

[jockspice]

Lee and Huey,
The same Little F on the second jaunt to Sierra Leone made another comment about an aircraft that was approaching too fast for its assigned spot (neither of you two, or me, I hasten to add!).
As the aircraft sailed past standing on its tail, level with the Flyco windows,

"You - are - taking - the - p*ss!"

...delivered totally deadpan.
Naturally, they called the overshoot and approached again a lot more sedately.:p

[timzsta]

Somewhere on Salisbury Plain. Very Senior Army Officer addressing a gathering of other important bods during an Exercise.

"Welcome the HQ 1st Armoured Brigade. We commanding 36,000 men. That is half the size of the RAF. And we do it from this tent"

[1000hrsdesk]

A mate of mine had bought himself a double bed for his room in the mess and so he'd moved his old issue bed out into the corridor. His old mattress was up on its side leaning against the wall. Needless to say he recieved many remarks about wetting his bed in the night etc etc.

This banter went on for a while until someone said, "Seriously then, why is your mattress leant up against the wall?"

As quick as a flash came the reply, "It was the only way I could get your mum back into her wheelchair".

Purile & bad taste I know, but I don't think I've laughed that hard since.

Cheers

[Lee Jung]

Jungly QHIs and HWIs, including the display team which had done a demo that day, on the pi$$ after a wings parade, none too long ago. As happens in the somewhat limited number of hostelries the town that supports Wastelands posesses, we ended up in the same bar as a group of 899 zoomies who commence deriding the said demo.

Quick as a flash the reply came "Sorry to dissapoint you gents, but the older of you will probably remember that being operational not decorational leaves little time to practice".

Pi$$taker unable to reply in the required 5 seconds.

[1000hrsdesk]

Just thought of one more...

At the aircrew party at RIAT a couple of years ago, I asked a Red Arrow (in red flying suit and all) who he'd come as. Even though most of those around thought it was pretty funny, the fact that 9 pairs of scowling eyes followed me around for the rest of the evening proves that RAFAT are as bad at taking banter as they are good at flying.

[ShyTorque]

Aah, yes, those early morning recce briefs!

Many years ago, our support heli sqn was based in central West Germany.

Our marine exchange officer decided to go through a phase of recognition of SHIPS (not a ship for miles around unless the Red Navy's plan was to sneak up the Rhine from the south).

After a few days of slides of similar looking ships, the same old question was asked (no-one had got one correct yet) "What is THIS vessel type?"

"B zero eighty!" came an authoritative reply from the rear of the room.

"B-zero-80? wazz that?" said the marine.

A hairy old pilot got up and walked towards the door. As he passed by the chalkboard, he wrote the letters B-O-A-T and continued through the door into the hangar....... :bored:

[BEagle]

We had the duty sqn recce mate - but, as we were UK AD, 'They' had decided that we needed to know the RN's war canoes as well as various types of Bear, etc.

So, every so often, on went the slides. Once, after 10 consecutive slides of the Sverdlov, Clunk - on went slide 11. "Gizzard", asked BK of the RAF's only commissioned football hooligan, "what's that"?

"Sam Kotlin".

"No, you ar$e, it's the same bastard Sverdlov! OK chaps, on with the test"

Clunk - "Broadsword"
Clunk - "Amazon"
Clunk - "Bristol"

"Hmm, BEagle, you've obviously been studying. Well done!"

"No I haven't. Well, only a bit. Because the next one is a County, then Invincible, Rothsay, Leander and Sheffield. Same as last time - BABCIRLS! Suggest you randomize your slides, BK!"

"Oh bugger!"

[bakseetblatherer]

To kick off a trans-Tasman fight:
In a speech about Kiwis moving to Oz, NZ PM 'Piggy' Muldoon:
"They are raising the average IQ in Australia AND New Zealand"
;)

[EESDL]

Looking at an F3 Italian exchange pilot (when the F3's flew down to MP) retrieving his luggage from the accomodation roof in Tristar village......
Herk pilot opens bleary eyes longer enough to notice and slurs:

"It's like from that film"

"Eh?@?" the pilot says

"Wop on a hot tin roof"...............


Guess you had to be there.

[wiggy]

Middle of an Oz night, many moons ago, during yet another Ashes Tour downunder......

Perth ( that dates it ) "Speedbird 9, can you give us count to 5 for a radio check?":

Self " 1...2...3....4.....5"

Somebody with Oz accent " hey Speedbird, was that the latest English cricket score"?

[Mr C Hinecap]

Small gathering in the bar at a former Det somewhere in southern Oman - theme was 'What you were wearing when the ship went down'. The Yanks from their little camp up the road were invited for some fun too.

There were boys in night-dresses, girls in pyjamas, TCW spent an age making 'Gimp' costumes from gaffa tape & black nasty. However, the Americans lost it when a certain SNCO came in a flying suit with a big red circle on it, goggles and a red & white bandana - a kamikazi pilot. Massive sense of humour failure. :E

[adr]

One I heard today, but have no means of verifying. If it's not true, it ought to be.

Everyone at the dinner is bored to tears of frustration by the interminable, unremittingly dull speech. Someone from the cheap seats decides to act, and shies a bottle at the speaker. But (possibly because of what had been in the bottle) he misses, and hits the padre, knocking him out. As the speaker drones on, those seated beside the padre check he's okay and haul him back to a sitting position. He comes round, and says, just loud enough to be heard by his immediate neighbours, "Do it again. I can still hear him."

adr

[Setpoint]

An exchange in Parliament in the 18th century:

John Wilkes 'was well known for his verbal wit and his snappy responses to insults. For instance, one MP shouted to him "You Sir, will either die of the pox or the gallows!" Wilkes responded "That would depend on whether I embrace your mistress, or your principles."'

Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_Wilkes

[Ghostflyer]

When I was a young lad on 11 Squadron the boys had just come back from some bollox sales trip half way around the world. One of the old navs (come to think of it he was probably about 30) was holding court about his night in Bangkok. It went something like this:

"Hey Johnny what was it like?"

"Awesome, they were all babes. I was in one bar and this girl walks up to me swaying her hips, looks me in the eye and grabs hold of my dick. She had legs up to her armpits, awesome"

"What did you say?"

"I told her I wasn't interested but.....she could tell I was"

Ghost

[JNo]

Tanker Pilot stolls up to the back of a Herc preparing to head off to the Gulf, bergen over one shoulder and golf clubs on the other.
Loadie (a tad miffed at the sight) " asks "What would you do if you got into your tent and saw a great big spider?"
Reply "First off, I'd call room service and ask them why the hell was there a tent in my hotel room and secondly to remove the spider with it!"


Two Italian Starfighters taxying out (At Linton as I recall), Tower asks for their departure details. Cue dodgy Ital accent "We go....and we no come back!"

[M609]

Let's stay with Italian 104s....

I once tried to give a IFR departure clearence to a 104 at the hold. First I tried the most suited tacan SID:

"No familiar with that" (in something not to close to english)

So I tried to give him another one, with same result, the even tried a VOR SID (silly me)

"What are you familiar with?" ---- "The radar vectored departure!!!!" :E


When he and his wingman arrived, one of my collauges tried to give nr.2 a new SSR code after a split on vectors, let's say "3412".

AC: "Squawking 3410 Italy6645"

ATC:"Negative, squawk 3412!"

AC:"Squawking 3410, Italy6645, my last digit is broken!!!!" :D

And, yes they busted minima BIG TIME when they landed, nr 1 had to climb over the hill the tacan is placed on!
To fly the radial all the way in is not to smart at Bardufoss! :E

[buoy15]

Ex Ocean Safari out of OVAR June 91.
Briefed to let the Portuguese run the show as it was their 1st big NATO exercise.

Prior to engine start - "Tower, request latest TAF's for Ovar and Madrid?"

"Ci - Ovar ees good, Madrid ees bad!!"

"Roger out"

Love many, Trust a few, Always paddle your own canoe!

[Ray Dahvectac]

PAR Talkdown into Sigonella circa 1980:

"You are above-a da glidepath, adjusta da rate-a descent..."

"You are-a right of-a da centreline....turna left two degrees..."

[After much left, right uppa and down]

"You are ona da glidepath, ona da centreline. DONNA TOUCH A THING !!!!"

[Like This - Do That]

I've heard two versions, but the bones of it are the same.

A young Labour MP with certain sexual predilections was convinced to take a wife to keep up appearances, electorally. Upon seeing his somewhat homely wife WSC muttered "I suppose buggers can't be choosers..."

[A10 Thundybox]

Met Brief one morning at 4AAC 654Sqn

Lynx Flt Cmdr after any questions says

"Officers, a reminder to finish sharp today as its CO's drinks in the mess this evening 1900"

Staffy says "Drinks? Aw sir can we come?"

Flt Cmdr says "Yes but only if you wear a bow tie and carry drinks around on tray like this"

Does the classic 'palm upwards' waiter pose

All non comms in the room go ooooooooooh!

[cyclic]

Flusterred Australian exchange pilot opens crew brief with:

"Gents, today's trip is all up in the air"

Most of it was!

[BANANASBANANAS]

Early 80s and having a great time as a first tourist on shiny 10 squadron. Very experienced Flt Sgt ALM is looking after a cabin full of army pax, headed by a Colonel who obviously thinks he is a VIP. Colonel sees Flt Sgts rank insignia and interprets it as a Staff Sergeant and tries to get a drink.

As the ALM walks down the cabin, past the Colonel

Colonel "I say, Staff, Coffee white one sugar please."

ALM ignores Colonel turns around and as he walks past Colonel again

Colonel "I say Staff, Coffee white one sugar please."

This continues several times, each time the ALM ignoring the Colonel.

Finally, as the ALM is ignoring Colonel for about the fifth time the Colonel gently grabs the ALMs sleeve and says

"I say Staff, Coffee white one sugar please.

ALM "I am not a Staff Segeant Sir, I am a Flight Sergeant."

Colonel. " Oh I say, If you were in the Army you would be a Staff Sergeant."

ALM. "Sir, If I was in the Army I would be a fcuking General."

[Thud_and_Blunder]

Bananas,

That's been a favourite for a long while; I told it to my Dad after I first heard it in the 70s, and he said it'd made him smile when he'd heard it on Dakotas in 1944. To top that, the bloke who told him said he'd first heard it on Victorias in Iraq back in the 1920s...:cool:

[average pilot]

1.ALM: " The AOC's a C :mad: :mad: :mad: t !"

AOC: "Not as big a C:mad: :mad: :mad: t as the ALM who's disconnected the wrong headset !"
............................................................ ......................................
2.A certain infamous Herk Captain "of England", seen walking along Dakar Beach with one flip-flop on:

Crew member: "Hey, Dick, have you lost a flip-flop?"
Dick: "No, mate, found one"

[ShyTorque]

AOC plus entourage on board a Puma at Caye Chapel, Belize, early 1980s. Scouser crewman stood outside for engine start but long i/com lead was u/s, so he was mainly unaware of events inside cabin.

Post start, crewman climbed in, appeared on jumpseat and cheerily announced in scouse accent on i/c: "Phew! Some c**t down the back has just farted!"

I hastily scribbled "AOC on i/com" on kneepad but too late!

Booming voice of AOC: "Well it certainly wasn't ME!"

Crewman's face a picture :ooh:

[Arkroyal]

Met briefing at Scampton in spring 1989, after we'd cycled from the mess over some unexpected snow.

In walks met man with snow on shoulders, who delivers dead pan met brief with no mention of snow.

'any questions?' Wag at back: 'Any chance of snow today?'

'Not a chance.' Walks out to cheers.

__________________________________

Churchill (although what he was doing on a bus, lord knows).

Lady on spotting undone fly: 'Excuse me sir, but your penis is sticking out'

'You flatter yourself, madam. It is hanging out!'

___________________________________

Ops in NI after a bomb in Tyrone. We'd just dropped a team from the QDG do deal with it, including the one-eyed Colonel, who asks us, Aneka Rice stylee, to hover around for a bit and await orders.

After a while we ask him for intentions.

'Return my location, land, shut down and await orders, OUT'

Eh? Not doing that. ' Hello 9, this is tango 23, Negative, do not intend to land and shut down, OUT'

'Tango 23, this is is 9. DO NOT SAY 'OUT' TO ME' OUT!'

[Danny]

Another Winston Churchill classic:

To set the scene, Winston Churchill is in the loo when his aide knocks on the door...

Aide: "Excuse me Prime Minister but the Lord Privvy Seal needs to have a word with you immediately!"

Winston Churchill: "Tell the Lord Privvy Seal that I'm sealed in the privvy and I can only deal with one sh!t at a time!"

:}

[Herp]

Aprocryphal story from the Vulcan days of Nuclear Deterrent at the Scampton BoB Cocktail Party.

Local Councillor's wife attending in little black number with a badge depicting the 'Footprint of the Great British Chicken' aka CND. Said 'lady' smirks at attending hired hands and says "I suppose it annoys you chaps that I am wearing my CND badge with pride?"

Quick as a flash on the of the aircrew replied:

"Madam - there is not an officer in this room who would not gladly lay down his life to allow you the freedom to wear a badge like that in a room like this."

Little Black Number slinks away head hung in shame.

[PlasticCabDriver]

Wessex floating around NI, land on to pick up deputy GOC, says nav up the front:

"Crewman, ask the chief pongo where he wants to go"

"The chief pongo would like to go to Lisburn!" replies the chief pongo, who was a bit quicker with his headset and intercom than most!

Bugger!

[average pilot]

1970's TV prog about Nuclear War, theme is aftermath of all out Nuclear attack. Interviewer to Vulcan Pilot:

"What will you do after the bomb has dropped?"

Pilot: "Close the bomb bay doors and re-trim"

[KYT]

'Elvis XYZ, Minneapolis Cenner, contact 125.45'

'125.45, Elvis XYZ'

Pause

'Elvis has left......the frequency'

[John Eacott]

One of HM's real carriers, first night in, Cocker's P on the flight deck with assembled multitude of local Dignitaries, secretaries, nurses, etc. Nice ship, but "it is the policy neither to confirm nor deny the existence of nuclear weapons on this vessel", etc etc.

Key the Duty PO on the tannoy:

"Will the rating holding the key to the Nuclear Bomb Store, please return the same immediately"

:rolleyes: ;)

[Roghead]

Weeze International, early 70's, morning met briefing,assembled and bored Canberra crews, met man late, Stn Cdr irritated. Wx dully arrives and told to sit at the back and wait till the end to give his briefing. Usual Ops Wg drivel for an interminably long time before met man called. Walks slowly forward, declares "Fog" and slowly returns to an excited silence. Stn Cdr eventually demands an "amplification". Met man dully obiges after returning slowly to the front "Effing thick fog". Room collapses, :E

[Arkroyal]

Example of Dutch humour, heard recently on Amsterdam departures 121.2

Aircraft checks in automatically passing 2000ft as per norm.

Dutch ATC: 'shouldn't you still be with tower?'

Aircraft : 'No, 121.2 at 2000ft?'

ATC: 'Oh, so that's your best rate of climb? I thought you were still on the runway'

[steamchicken]

"Will the rating holding the key to the Nuclear Bomb Store, please return the same immediately"

Phrases you wish you hadn't heard, no. 239345...

[buoy15]

Heard one that was never verified

New SWO at Lossie some years ago was asked by the Staish to smarten up the lads

Tactic: Early morning, stand near the Guardroom in the shadow of the security lights

Slightly scruffy lad walks through the barrier

SWO steps out of the shadows, places his pace stick on the lads shoulder and shouts "Stand still!!"

Young lad, "Yes Sir what's the matter?"

SWO. "I have some **** on the end of my stick lad!"

Young lad looks at stick and says "Not at this end Sir!"

Apparently, the SWO laughed and let him go

Love many, Trust a few, Always paddle your own canoe:ok:

[ShyTorque]

Ark Royal,

"Met briefing at Scampton in spring 1989, after we'd cycled from the mess over some unexpected snow."

Not 337 QFI course perchance? On a tandem?

[Pontius Navigator]

Bit like the fog story.

Blue day, 96 million miles viz, cold. Assembled white faced studes and brown faced staff in met brief on 228 OCU about 1969.

Enter Metman, overcoat, scarf, boots, hat etc. "No flying today," announces the man to stunned silence.

"Que?"

"It's snowing. 6 inches by lunchtime."

Queue staff and studes look out of window to see snow lashing down is sheets.

"How did you know that would happen?"

"Easy, looked out the door as I left met."

Who says Met never looked outside?

[MAD Boom]

Keen, enthusiastic young AEOp turned WSO during IOT.

On appointment as course leader early on during the course, he gathers the troops to give them some words of advice on how to get through the next 24 weeks, especially on the importance of turning up on time-

'If there's one thing above all that you must remember on IOT, Punctuation, Punctuation,Punctuation'

Classic Curly!!

[PickyPerkins]

Another Churchill tale:

WLSC was out of political favor in the 1930's when Bernard Shaw sent him the following:

"Herewith two tickets for the first night of my play. Bring a friend - if you have any"

To which WLSC replied:

"Regret prior engagemnent - cannot attend your first night. Will come to second - if there is one"

Cheers, http://home.infionline.net/~pickyperkins/pi.gif

[Arkroyal]

ShyTorque,

That's got me. QFI course it was. Number forgotten, Tandem vaguely remembered.:confused:

[ShyTorque]

Ark, check your PM :ok:

[Arkroyal]

Small world, innit?

You too, ****e 'awk. Check PMs

[Skeleton]

Lossie 1984ish...

Jag planning room. Andy Cubin may remeber this story....

Me a lowly Ops Clk clearing the maps from the floor again.. moaning about my day.

Door opens, in walks Staish... Think it was Lumpy L*****

"Anyone play cricket in here?" in his usual grumpy voice...

"No Sir its far to small !!" from one of the JP's.

Mirth and suppressed grins all around......

Meet Staish (Once I had finished tidying the maps up yet again) at the out brief... Auth has gone walkabout:

"I suppose you think that was funny ***"

I tried to look non-commital.....

Eternal credit to the man, he then said:

"Ok it was, but you try the same and I will bust your ass - fancy a back seat"

And he took me... great days.

OR :O

From the same tour.......

Certain ex Lightning man with a duck like name.....

Looks out of window (Hissing it down outside)

"You won't need me on the desk this morning *** weathers that bad even the seagulls are walking to work!!"

[1.3VStall]

Dining-in Night in the mid 70s, Staish was the World's worst after-dinner speaker. (At one such event he sat down having failed to mention the principal guest, who was replying!).

After twenty minutes of droning at the end of one of the tables we were getting a bit restless and noisy.

Staish pauses from his monologue and says loudly "Excuse me, can everybody hear me?"

Quick as a flash the young WRAF sitting opposite me responds in an equally loud voice "Well I can, sir, but I'd willingly swap places with someone who can't".

Brilliant!

[Orson]

Non-flying:

The famous German conductor of the 50s and 60s, Carl Bohm, worked with an orchestra in the US for a while. They didn't like him at all, and frequently teased him about his not-very-good English, as he'd often say things that were technically correct, but not idiomatic English.

One rehearsal, he lost his temper, and throwing his stick to the floor, shouted
"You people, you so-superior people, you think I know **** Nothing. Well, I tell you, I know **** All!"

Collapse of entire band.

O

[Pontius Navigator]

MAD Boom, surely he meant PRONUNCIATION . . .

[Old Bus Driver]

TriStar Crewroom, Ascension Island.

Timmy crew having a few beers and discussing where they were born and bred.

Canadian exchange pilot to Geordie steward,

"I was born and raised in Regina."

Plain speaking steward in broad Geordie accent,

"Regina? Is that somewhere between ya c**t and yer effin ar$ehole?

Canadian not amused - rest of crew rolling on the floor in fits.

:D

[wub]

Cyprus, December 1970something. The Troodos General Office Clerk and the unit Adj are on the last mail run to Akronelli before Christmas and agree to meet up at the YMCA club for a cuppa before setting-off back up the mountain. Task complete the
Corporal clerk turns up to find the Adj in conversation with the SWO (Jack Murray). Without saluting the Adj he says, "ready when you are".

The SWO turns puce and says "Compliments Corporal", without batting an eyelid the Corporal replies "Thanks! and a Merry Christmas to you too"

[winchop]

Brand new 22yo First Officer walks through the crewroom and announces loudly that he's going to the loo 'to give birth to a crewman'..

Crusty 45yo ex RAN crewman replies without a blink...'don't forget to wipe your pilot'...

[Zoom]

I might have posted these elsewhere, but here goes anyway:

A senior cadet colleague with a very dry wit encountered a junior cadet grinning away.
'Why are you looking so happy, XXX?'
'Because the sun's shining, sir.'
'You stupid idiot, the sun's always shining. It's just sometimes you can't see it.'

Same senior cadet walking with SUO, who comments:
'Oh, it's starting to rain.'
'It's alright, sir, I'll have it switched off.'

[Lynx206]

Back in the early 80s a Brit exchange pilot transitting to Tasmania from the mainland and leading a formation of helicopters calls and provides inbound information to Launceston Tower. A response was received from a female ATCO with one of those voices that becomes the subject of many pleasant fantasies.

Thinking he had switched to the internal formation frequency, said something along the lines of:

"2 this is 1, she sounds absolutely delightful."

This was immediately followed by said female voice saying:

"Why thank you Army 123, that is the best compliment I have had all day."

[16 blades]

Rare Autumn sunny day at Topcliffe - QFI in ops room to stude hanging around looking bored -

QFI: "Have you got any solos to do, Bloggs?"

Stude: "Yes Sir, but I can't fly" (unfit with a cold)

QFI: "Don't worry son, we'll teach you!"

--------------------------------------------------

An old chestnut, but worth a mention..........

UTDxyz: "LON Ctl, United xyz FL320"

LON: "United xyz, descend 5000ft, QNH1012"

UTDxyz (obviously can't be @rsed with the conversion...) "Roger,.....can we have that in inches?"

LON: "Standby........."

Pause...........

LON: "United xyz, descend 60,000 inches, QNH1012"

Details are probably all wrong, but a classic nonetheless!

[PC7anyone?]

4 ship of Puma's on a transit to/from an AMF det. Coasting into Denmark I think ? Very nice sounding female ATC. One of the Navs thinks he's on the formation FM chat..........."I love the smell of pussy in the morning". No reply from ATC but one heap of **** from the rest of the formation.

[BANANASBANANAS]

In the mid 80s, flying a Dominie out of Finningley. Me as pilot, 2 Nav Instructors and 2 Nav students. For take off, one Nav instructor sits in F/Os seat, remainder of crew down back and all internal comms on intercom.

Departing Finningley and talking to Radar prior to handover to Midland radar and the female radar controller who has just been posted in sounds absolutely stunning.

Me on intercom to rest of crew " Cor she sounds all right I could really f"2$ the a$5# off her."

Stunned silence inside the Dominie before nav instructor down the back comes on intercom and says (quite truthfully)

"Yes, I frequently do. Thats my wife you are talking to!"

Nige and Rita, Where are you now?

[airborne_artist]

Rare Autumn sunny day at Topcliffe - QFI in ops room to stude hanging around looking bored - QFI: "Have you got any solos to do, Bloggs?"

Stude: "Yes Sir, but I can't fly" (unfit with a cold)

QFI: "Don't worry son, we'll teach you!"


How we laughed at the QFIs' superlative banter at Topcliffe/Leeming - and then had the boot firmly on the other foot when QFI and stude had to flight-test the safety equipment after a spell inverted in their 'dog in a huge cu-nimb. Stude landed safely in Farmer Giles's soft and luscious cow pasture, while QFI landed in FG's soft and pungent slurry pit.

[BEagle]

BANANASBANANAS - that's as good as the comment made by a certain now very senior navigator who often posts here...

"Neatishead, Neatishead, this is NNNNNN Charlie 44 zero 4 Tiger Fast plus 60" quoth the Nav.

"Roger NNNNNN, climb blah, vector blah" from yummy-sounding FC-babe.

"Roger, Neat, climbing blah and vector blah"

Pompous pilot in front seat, "Now look, **, shouldn't you authenticate her?"

Quick as a flash from the back: "Authenticate her? Don't need to - I've $hagged her!"

:E

[Maple 01]

BEags - I find elements of your story highly unlikley - two points - Yummy FC? Well perhaps.......:hmm:but an F-4 Tiger-Fast for 60?? Not a hope in hell;)

[BEagle]

Point 1 - Well, some sounded yummy and one or two certainly were!

Point 2 - You're probably right! Whereas a Frightening was probably only ever Tigerfast plus 60 seconds straight off the tanker!

[earswentpop]

I am enjoying this topic very much. Does anyone think it is a great companion to "I wish I hadn't said that ..."?

Great site for amusement and banter. Herrumph.

PS: Why is there only one Monopolies and Mergers Commission?

[SirToppamHat]

Maple and Beagle

F4 Tiger Fast 60? Easy. With a full jet, it could easily be declared ...... up until 30 mins prior to take-off! ;)

STH

[16 blades]

A Secret wiltshire airbase, mid-nineties. In the bar, the usual hgih-spirited happy-hour banter ensues. The (very tall & slim) Stn Cdr is concerned he is being ignored by the jovial crowd, and enters one conversational group whose number includes a certain co-pilot with a porn-star name (initials B....D.... - you know who!) who's diplomacy skills are legendary.

Stn Cdr: "Come on boys, you can include me in the banter, you know!"

B.....D....: "Which lanky streak of pi$$ said that?"

Hat, Axminster, etc.......

[airborne_artist]

Scene: Regimental cross country race at a unit best known for large quantities of droopy moustaches.

New Rupert to grizzled but very fit racing snake SNCO. "Where did you come in the race?"

- "I don't run Sir - I stand and fight"

[Murph x x x]

Yes I'm Back!!!

Just had a young lad leave our place who's wit has become the stuff of Urban Myths.

1) Having issued forth a sentence, the contents of which were 10% English, 90% Swearing, he was asked if he had Terrets (spelt right....I think).

The answer came back, "What the F**k is Terrets"!!

2) Walking around the large Heliport in the Emerald toilet said person was challenged by Snowdrop as to where his Beret was.

His reply was, "In my pocket".

He was then asked, why it was not on his head.

"Because (you know what's coming!) my head won't fit in my pocket"!!!!

[Dancing Bear]

Had a great couple of weeks jockeying with a det a RM Young Officers whilst heading up to Newcastle for Ark Royals decomissioning in 94.

Started with the usual alterations of rank sleeves ann turning upside down of beret badges, escalated slightly when they executed the exploding Met Baloon in cabin trick and ended, so I thought, as I superglued every piece of thier footwear to the bulkhead, sorry ceiling.

We then had a great few days in Newcastle and the YO's left to return to Lympstone, me congratulating myself on keeping up the standards of the Senior Service blah, blah, blah.

2 days later we came to disembark, briefed kitted up etc and collected helmets from SE room en-route the Flight deck, as I opened my locker I just knew I'd been trumped, the b*st*rds had left the contents of a couple of tins of tuna in my helmet, sadly the only one I had on board, so a long range Navex to the most westerly NAS was carried out to the very fragrant aroma of fish!!

GITS!!

[SASless]

Scene: British Engineer on top of an Alouette III, re-torquing the head....Iranian summer....hot as blazes...sweat pouring from all pores...veins standing out in his neck....

Along walks his American pilot...cold beer in hand....glances up...takes in the situation....states "Hey Eric, give it a good yank!"

Immediate response...."Didn't know there was such a thing!":{

[Curtis E Carr]

Then there's the tale of the AAC airtrooper somewhere in Germany. Regiment being visited by some AAC bigwig who was inspecting the Quarter Guard pausing occasionally to ask the "Boots happy? Wife fits?" questions. Stops in front of said Airtrooper and asks "Do you know the Army Air Corps regimental Quick March?". "Well, Sir", he replies, "I don't know the tune but I know the words". Looks of bewilderment from bigwig and entourage. "All right, then" says bigwig, "Let's hear it".

"Left, right, left, right"

[Incipient Sinner]

Two undergrads in their first year at Cambridge, punting a careful zig-zag course down the Cam, when this American leans over a bridge and yells (insert Texan drawl)

"Hey, steer between the banks!"

If you're going to give advice, it may as well be good. My brother's roomy comes straight back with:

"F**k-off, don't get involved in a land war in south east Asia"


On another occasion, the College porter is standing in the arch at the College entrance when an American lady exclaims:

"Excuse me, is this building pre-war?"

"Madam", he replies, "This building is pre-America"

[cyclicmicky]

Found this on a humour site,
it may interest you military boys
Military Aircraft Warranty-Survey Form

Thank you for purchasing the Defender F-12 military aircraft. In order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires.

1. Personal Information

[_] Mr. [_] Mrs. [_] Ms. [_] Miss
[_] Lt. [_] Gen. [_] Comrade [_] Classified [_] Other

First Name:..............................................

Initial: ........

Last Name:...............................................

Password: ............................... (max 8 char)

Code Name:...............................................

Latitude-Longitude-Altitude-Attitude:....... ........ ......... ........

2. Which model aircraft did you purchase?

[_] F-14 Tomcat

[_] F-15 Eagle

[_] F-16 Falcon

[_] F-117A Stealth

[_] Classified

3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): 19....... /....... /.......

4. Serial Number:...............................

5. Please check where this product was purchased:

[_] Received as gift / aid package

[_] Catalog showroom

[_] Independent arms broker

[_] Mail order

[_] Discount store

[_] Government surplus

[_] Classified

6. Please check how you became aware of the Defender F-12 product you have just purchased:

[_] Heard loud noise, looked up

[_] Store display

[_] Espionage

[_] Recommended by friend / relative / ally

[_] Political lobbying by manufacturer

[_] Was attacked by one

7. Please check the three (3) factors that most influenced your decision to purchase this Defender F-12 product:

[_] Style / appearance

[_] Speed / manoeuvrability

[_] Price / value

[_] Comfort / convenience

[_] Kickback / bribe

[_] Recommended by salesperson

[_] Defender F-12 reputation

[_] Advanced Weapons Systems

[_] Back room politics

[_] Negative experience opposing one in combat

8. Please check the location(s) where this product will be used:

[_] North America

[_] Iraq

[_] Central / South America

[_] Iraq

[_] Aircraft carrier

[_] Iraq

[_] Europe

[_] Iraq

[_] Middle East (not Iraq)

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[_] Iraq

[_] Classified

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9. Please check the products that you currently own or intend to purchase in the near future:

[_] Color TV

[_] VCR

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[_] Killer Satellite

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10. How would you describe yourself or your organization? (Check all that apply:)

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[_] Golf

[_] Boating / sailing

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Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers will be used in market studies that will help Defender F-12 serve you better in the future - as well as allowing you to receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups, and mysterious consortia. As a bonus for responding to this survey, you will be registered to win a brand new F-117A in our Desert Thunder Sweepstakes.

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Please write to:

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[MadsDad]

Usually followed by the disclaimer...............


IMPORTANT NOTE:

This e-mail is intended for the use of the individual addressee(s)
named above and may contain information that is confidential,
privileged or unsuitable for overly sensitive persons with low
self-esteem, no sense of humour or irrational religious beliefs. If you are not the intended recipient, any dissemination, distribution or copying of this e-mail is not authorized (either explicitly or implicitly) and constitutes an irritating social faux pas.

Unless the word absquatulation has been used in its correct context somewhere other than in this warning, it does not have any legal or grammatical use and may be ignored.

No animals were harmed in the transmission of this e-mail, although the Kelpie next door is living on borrowed time, let me tell you. Those of you with an overwhelming fear of the unknown will be gratified to learn that there is no hidden message revealed by reading this warning backwards, so just ignore that alert notice from Microsoft.

However, by pouring a complete circle of salt around yourself and
your computer, you can ensure that no harm befalls you and your pets.


--McDonnell Douglas

[Incipient Sinner]

To get back to a banter theme:

There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his (single-engined) jet fighter was running "a bit peaked."

Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two behind a B-52 that had one engine
shut down.

"Ah,..." the fighter pilot remarked, "...the dreaded seven-engine approach."

:O :O :O :O :( :O :O :O

[BANANASBANANAS]

Not sure if this constitutes banter or best put down line but here goes.

Having left the RAF I managed to get a job on a UK 757 charter outfit. Lo and behold, one of my first trips was a mil charter from Akronelli to Nause Brighton. On the way back the army pax were doing their level best to cop off with our extremely attractive senior cabin attendant.

Eventually one of them says words to the effect of:

"How about it darling. Shall we lock ourselves in the forward loo and join the mile high club?"

To which the immediate reply was "Listen mate, I've already got one asshole inside my knickers. If I ever want another one I'll let you know!"

Exit stage left one very demoralised pongo.

[airborne_artist]

"Pressure? I'll tell you what pressure is. Pressure is a Messerschmitt up your arse, playing cricket is not."

Former Australia all-rounder cricketer and fighter pilot Keith Miller, who died in 2004.

From The Telegraph 3 Jan 2005

[adr]

Bananas*2's post reminded me of a similar occurence. A student story, but worth letting in to this thread, I think (you may judge otherwise).

Nicki was (is? I haven't seen her for years) immensely attractive, and a bit of a posh bird, and kind-hearted. At a social event, where a number of different courses were mixing, someone from another course, someone with a very high opinion of his own worth, decided he was going to dance with her.

She politely declined. He persisted. Still polite, she gently suggested he might ask one of the other girls. He persisted.

"G'wan, luv, you know you wanna dance."
Nicki fluttered her perfectly formed eyelashes at him, leaned towards him, and in her perfectly modulated voice, softly asked, "I say, do you f*ck?"
He looked as if all his Christmases had come at once, and eagerly replied, "Yeah, luv, I do!"
"Well f*ck orf, then!"

:E

adr

[BluntM8]

All,

Do you have a partictular favourite phrase or piece of banter which gives you partictular satisfaction in uttering? Maybe something which makes you simle simple to use when addressing another? Or do you especially enjoy confusing the barmaid in your local by using indeciperable jargon at her? Then let's hear it.

For the record, I can't help but grin when I hear somebody described as "an utter chisler". Gets me every time.

BluntM8

[akula]

"Which dirty b****r has Cat 5'd the toilet":yuk: :yuk:

[Bob Viking]

Talking about the size of a gnats cock always brings a smile to my face eg:

"....you missed that one by the width of a gnats cock mate!"

I always was easily amused though. I'll try to think of more.
BV

[Circuit Basher]

A T Shirt I saw once, which is one of my favourites (but I don't really understand ;) ) 'If you want to run with the big dogs, then don't pi$$ up the tall trees'!

[Snapdragon]

"Should have worked harder at school!!" always works for me!:E

[BootFlap]

'They might go up-diddly up, but they're still gits!'

Anyone for an Orange Whip?

'It's the dog b@llox!'

:ok:

[SASless]

The twist on Will Rogers saying...cracked me up....heard from in the rear of a formation after our collective sins had been described by the Drill Instructor...

"Will Rogers said he never met a man he did not like....it seems Mr. Rogers never met Staff Sargeant Brown!":E

[Safeware]

Bit of Lossie vs Kinloss banter from a while ago, seen on 8 Sqn T-shirts:

8 screws are better than 4 blow jobs

:D :D

[Tourist]

To Observers,

"If you'd spent less time looking out the window at school, you could spend more time looking out the window now!"

or general,

"Stick it up your @rse"

[jimgriff]

Also seen on an 8 sqdn T shirt......
"Old age and treachery, will outshine youth and exuberance any day!"

[PT6ER]

How about:

"progress on this project has been imeasurable"

or

"a legend in his own lunchtime"

or maybe

"not that I dislike him, but he is using oxygen my kids might need"

I also like "it all went t*ts up!" (nowadays I tend to use "tango uniform" since I live in a P.C. part of the U.S )

On the bathroom "front" this one gets the wife pi##ed of at me....

"I'm going to see some friends off to the coast".....normally said whilst looking for a good magazine with which to pass the time :ok:

[Spurlash2]

To someone who seems to be regularly not at work:

He gets more time off than Nelson's starboard anti flash glove.

or

More time off than Rip van Winkles bunk light. :D

[Flypro]

Nuke 'em till they glow!!

Or, how about the ever popular, 'Close enough for government work';)

[SirToppamHat]

November 1989.

Clumber Park.

Leadership Exercises.

Chucking it down.

The hero of 9 Flight (you still out there Barry B?) is trying to write with a water soluble pen on a wet plastic board:

"N, pass us another pen mate, this one's gone t1ts up."

Flight Commander (@rsehole) stops the lead and threatens to Sheet 3 Barry for using 'Un-officer-like language'.

The same flight commander later rips N's head off for farting during a route march.

Sorry, got carried away there, back to the thread, adaptation of a previous one:

"Chimping Chiseller/Chiselling Chimp."

Muppet/Muppetry is drifting into everyday use (thanks Steve Wright).

'As much use as t1ts on a fish.'

Are we allowed to say 'Sausage Jockey' any more?

STH

[Wycombe]

He/she is a "waste of rations"

Rarer than "rocking horse sh1t"

As much use as a "chocolate fireguard"

And that old favourite "she'll be buried in a Y-shaped coffin"

[SASless]

Yes Sir! I will be sure to do it exactly like you told me too!

[adr]

Coming down off Pen y Fan one February day long ago, with others, all in what for the time was near-Gucci kit (the merest trace of olive drab on only one of our party), as two blokes in green were painfully slogging up.

As they drew level, first one makes eye contact and rasps out: "You b-sta-ds do this for fun?"

:}

adr

[Training Risky]

I've Cat 5'd the heads!

Lets SID out of here!

Wheels is wheels!

....and many more....

[uncivilservant]

The old favourite at home time: "Time to Foxtrot Oscar"

People (often in IPTs) described as "a few rounds short of a full magazine", or "a few aircraft short of a fleet".

Or my old Flight Sergeant's favourite: "If it ain't raining, it ain't training"

[woptb]

Uttered upon early departure from the Pigs bar;
"This callsign is thinning out".
"Gimp",Ever useful,see also Gimboid,Gink & Gaylord.

[oldpinger]

More neck than a brontasaurus with a forenoon make and mend on divisions day:D

[16 blades]

How about the ubiquitous 'BADGER!'

Started life on the Herc fleet at Thorney Island, if legend is to be believed.........

'Stroker' is also another of my favourites that is not understood outside the forces......

16B

[Flik Roll]

About as friendly as a rattlesnake in a lucky dip

[Black 'n Yellar]

"What do you want to do when you grow up Son?"
"Be a pilot Sir."
"Make your mind up, you can't do both."

[Gainesy]

One I used very recently in my local to deflate a pompous git of a retired bank manager (captain of golf society, parish council busybody, nickname Cap'n Clipboard, you get the picture):
"You're so full of ****, you're eyes are brown".

[Now a 'J' Bloke!!]

Always a favourite for Friday...

It's POETS Day!!

Regards..SFS

[C130 Techie]

Whilst this man is serving he is denying a village the use of its idiot.

We used to have a guy nicknamed THROM, short for Thrombosis (Slow moving Clot)

[DSAT Man]

Two of my favourites:

Go and take your face for a ****e.

Go stick your head up your arse and fart.

(Somewhat graphic I know but, hey, the sun is shining).

[oldpinger]

MUPPET
Most Useless P#ick Pusser Ever Trained

[Matt Skrossa]

For all of us who have enjoyed a deployment or two in foreign 'parts', particularly apposite after a cockers p!

A good run ashore, even the batchelors trapped'.

[PerArdua]

It fell off in my hand Chief!!!

or

But we have always done it like that!!!!

PA

[Circuit Basher]

Don't force it, use a bigger hammer!

Or from a collection of annual reports that have probably frequently been published here:

The reason this Officer Cadet has a stupid grin on his face is that - He is stupid.
Able Seaman P appeared before me, charged with financial impropriety. In his defence he stated that there was no way that he could be overdrawn, because he still had twelve cheques in his cheque book.
2nd Lt A has given an unexceptional performance, apart from an outstanding characterisation of a poof in the Unit panto.
Leading Seaman A often lets his mind go blank, but then forgets to turn off the sound.
Corporal N is a charming, sociable and good-looking member of my Ship's Detachment who is very much a model Royal Marine. It a matter of regret he is not a working model.
This man is a phoney; even the wool he tries to pull over your eyes is 50% polyester.
My Leading Regulator (Naval Policeman) is not very smart. In fact, he is depriving a police dog of a promising career.
By retaining this young man in the RN, we will be depriving an English village of its idiot.
During her naval career Wren B-Z moved in the best triangles.
This MoD Desk Officer appears to be frank and earnest with women. I understand that in London he is Frank, while in Portsmouth he is Ernest.
Colour Sergeant X is the sort of man who would knife you in the back - and then promptly report you for carrying concealed weapons.
His men will follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.
This medical officer only uses my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my
officers to carry him from bar to bar.
Consistently sets himself a low standard, then fails to achieve it.
If he were a horse, I would not breed from him.
You will be lucky if you get to have him work for you.
This man crept into the gene pool while the life guard wasn't watching.
A .22 calibre intellect in a .357 Magnum world.
A day late and a dollar short.
A dim bulb in the marquee of life.
A face designed in a wind tunnel.
A flash of light, a cloud of dust, and... What was the question?
A great deal of pride, but very little to be proud of.
A haemorrhoid on the face of the world.
A lap behind the field.
A legend in his own mind.
A modest little person, with much to be modest about.
A notch off the timing mark.
A peripheral visionary.
A standard deviant.
All fetch and no execute.
All thrust, no vector.
Always needs to have jokes explained.
Always sharpening his sleeping skills.
An ego like a black hole.
Any similarity between him and a human being is purely coincidental.
As focused as a fart.
As happy as the village idiot.
As quick as a corpse.
As strong as an ox and as dumb as two.
As worn out as a cucumber in a convent.
Attic's a little dusty.
Back burners not fully operating.
Batteries not included.
Been playing in the pharmacy section again.
Blew his O-rings.
Blew the hatch before the lock sealed.
Born ugly and built to last.
Broadcasts static.
Calling her stupid would be an insult to stupid people.
Can easily be confused with facts.
Carrier wave unmodulated.
Chimney's clogged.
Closer to the edge than a bicycle on the autobahn.
Conserves toilet paper by using both sides.
Contributes to the population problem.
Couldn't count to 21 if he were barefoot and without pants.
Couldn't hit water if he fell out of a boat.
Couldn't tell which way the elevator was going if he had two guesses.
Cursor's flashing but there's no response.
Dock doesn't quite reach the water.
Doesn't adjust for leap years.
Doesn't have a fart's prayer in a hurricane.
Dropped on his head as a child.
Dumb as asphalt / dirt / a mud fence / a stump / a sack of hammers.
During evolution his ancestors were in the control group.
Ears are redirected to /dev/null.
Eight pawns short of a gambit.
Even a two button mouse gives him too many options.
Fell out of the family tree.
Finds canonical humour collections amusing.
Flying on a cold shot. (Inadequate force from a steam catapult launch on an aircraft carrier.)
Focused like a 12 gauge shotgun.
Full throttle, dry tank.
Goalie for the dart team.
God might still use him for miracle practice.
Gyros are loose.
Happiness is seeing her picture on a milk carton.
Has a random memory fault.
Has an inferiority complex, but not a very good one.
Has an IQ one lower than it takes to grunt.
Has nothing to say, but delights in saying it.
Has only one chopstick in the chowmein.
He came, he saw, he clutched.
HE CAN ONLY TYPE IN UPPER CASE.
He hasn't a single redeeming vice.
He is a mouth-breather.
He's diagnosable.
He's not a complete idiot -- some parts are missing.
Her learning curve is fractal.
Her lint trap is full.
Her purpose in life is to balance out the bell curve.
His actual mileage varies.
His buffer is full.
His clutch is slipping.
His future is behind schedule.
His page was intentionally left blank.
His reaction time is longer than his attention span.
His X, Y, and Z axes don't meet at the origin.
If God tried to help him, we'd have an eight day week.
If his IQ was two points higher he'd be a rock.
If ignorance were bliss, she'd be orgasmic.
If stupidity hurt, he'd go through life on a morphine drip.
Ignorant, and proud of it.
Immune from any serious head injury.
Levelled off before reaching altitude.
Like a one-armed man climbing a rope.
Living proof that nature does not abhor a vacuum.
Low on thinking gas.
Lugnuts rattling in the hubcaps.
Made a career out of mid-life crisis.
Needs a little remedial evolution.
Not an idiot, but plays one in his life.
Not as dumb as he looks, but that would be impossible.
Not enough brains to get anywhere NEAR the gutter.
Not the same since they took him off his medication.
Off by one.
One car short of a chase scene.
One revision behind.
Overdue for reincarnation.
Pressure's up, but there's a slow leak somewhere.
Racing fifty yards with a pregnant woman, he'd come in third.
Ready to join the Anti-Mensa Society.
Room for rent, unfurnished.
She doesn't suffer from insanity; she enjoys every minute of it.
She fears success, but really has nothing to worry about.
So slow, he has to speed up to stop.
Some Assembly Required.
Source code is missing a few lines.
Spent a decade on the leading edge of drug experimentation.
Still boots to DOS.
Still trying to figure out opposable thumbs.
Subtle as a well-thrown brick.
Suffers from link rot.
The perfect personality to write software manuals.
The result of years of careful inbreeding.
The sharpest thing he's allowed to play with is a red rubber ball.
Thinks everyone else is entitled to his opinion, like it or not.
Tight as a bull's arse in fly season.
Toys in the attic.
Two degrees off square.
Uses AOL.
Vegitatum davenportae. (Couch potato.)
Vowel-buyer.
When she was born the doctor tried to slapped her mother.
Would make an excellent illustration in a proctology textbook.
:D

And some more:

"Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."

"I would not allow him to breed."

"He is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be."

"This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

"When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there."

"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

"He is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

"He should go far-and the sooner he starts, the better."

A room temperature IQ.

Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.

A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.

Bright as Alaska in December.

Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn\'t coming.

He's so dense, light bends around him.

If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

It's hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm.

Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.

Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

This soldier will spend the rest of his service career pushing doors
marked pull!

[PPRuNe Pop]

Well, that's gonna put the rest of you the test innit? :p :confused: ;)

[Pilgrim101]

One particular vandal easing himself out of my bad books, "" It wasn't me Sir, but I was there at the time !"" ;)

[1.3VStall]

How about "This officer is unusual, in that he fell in love with himself at an early age and has remained faithful ever since".:D

[Kolibear]

"I wouldn't trust you to sit the right way round on a lavatory seat"

[An Teallach]

In the RAF, a pat on the back is merely the recce for a knife.

[Pilot Pacifier]

Graffiti seen on a toilet door in DV Barracks, Split, written by an American...

"Where were the Brits in Vietnam?"

And the reply written underneath...

"The Vietcong were doing perfectly well without us!"

Makes me LMAO every time! :D

[Regie Mental]

Oxygen Thief

(and to make up my 15 words, that favourite from stores - "No you can't have the last one, someone else might need it.")

[Buena Vista]

A well loved favourite - "Goes like a belt-fed wombat"

[wub]

More toilet graffitti:

"Don't beam me up just now Scottie, I'm having a shhhhh..."and the pencil line disappears up to the top of the door.

[Ranger One]

"as much use as an ashtray on a motorbike"

"as much use as a chocolate condom"

(the last was obviously thought up by someone seriously lacking in imagination! ;) )

R1

[Big Tudor]

Graffitti as seen in a public toilet on the A1

"Para, para in the sky,
Living proof that sh1t can fly."

It amused me anyway.

A lot of the phrases I recall seemed to revolve around bodily functions:

Off for a bombing run in trap 1.
NBC Black in trap 1.
Fall out the officers.

[nooky]

Big Tudor
There is a second verse to your graffiti

Para, Para in the sky
Living proof that **** can fly

Marine, Marine in a boat
Living proof that **** can float.

Seen on the toilets at Barry Budden.

[engineer(retard)]

***** is like a lighthouse in the desert. Bright but ***king useless.

[bandit]

A common opinion is that most crab support REMFs are about as much use as a one-legged man in an arse kicking competition.

Or a trapdoor in a canoe.

[Huron Topp]

...or as smart as a bag of hammers
...about as swift as mollasses

[Bob Viking]

I'm a big fan of insults along the lines of:
"she's got a face like a box of fire damaged lego"
"she's got a face like a bulldog licking piss off a nettle"
or even "a face like a bulldog chewing a wasp"
"teeth like a bag of broken custard creams"
or maybe "a face like plasterers radio"
or some choice mother insults
"your mum owes my dog f##k money" (cheers mooner for that one!)
"your mum is my cleaner"
That'll do for now. Don't want to spoil you all.
BV
PS. Just a really offensive joke that an ex chinook crewman just told me:

How can you tell when your sister's on?
You can taste it on your dad's c##k!

Sorry!

[A good headin]

Air to Air refuelling is like a running f**K at a rolling donut

[timzsta]

"Time to dump down to max trap".

The story of an old bold Admiral at an RAF Mess Dinner in the 50's. Young Flt Lt hosting him asks what he would like to drink before dinner.
"I will have a gin & tonic please".
"Sir it is tradition in the RAF not to drink alcohol prior to sitting down for a mess dinner"
"Young man the RAF is not old enough to have traditions, merely habits"

"Sweating like a sailor in a maths test"

[SASless]

Ah, yer Mum wears comboot bats!

[A good headin]

If flying was difficult Air Traffic Controllers would have to do it.


...........I'll get me coat;)

[Maddog Red]

RAF Personnel (Non Rock, of course) – Guins

Get ready for the backlash from the horay Henry fly boys. hahaha

[Fg Off Max Stout]

She had a face like a welder's bench.

[Sir Loin]

Shaking like a ****ting dog,
Mad as a bucket of snakes,
Slip her a crippler,
Complete and utter Frekanoid,

He's hung like a horse......A f**king Sea Horse.

And where are all the geeky RAF'y sayings???

Lets TFR to the bar,
CSAS you later,
HLWSCU a merry christmas

The Flying Flickknife of freedom
The swing wing arrow of death
The Carbon fibre death provider
If it don't hover, there's no need to Bovver
:yuk: :yuk:

Or,

Flight safety is your pigeon...Don't let it fly away,
Never assume, it makes an ASS out of U and ME,
Horseplay is fools play, laugh? I NEARLY DIED!




I need to stop. I'm making myself feel very nauseous :yuk: :yuk: :ugh: :yuk:

[The Rocket]

Emergency state Pooh:ooh:

[A good headin]

Tornado is a cruise missile with talking ballast

[6foottanker]

The list goes on...

I'm just going to drop the Cosby kids off...

'percussive adjustment'

Stick - seat interface


(For the engineers, percussive adjustment of the stick - seat interface is not allowed , however much you'd like to! :D )


6'

[Safeware]

Best nickname I heard of was ORGASM
.
.
Obnoxious Runt Going Around Swanton Morley

and boy did it fit the recipient :D

[timex]

Speed of a racehorse

Strength of a cart horse
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.brains of a f*****g rocking horse

[akula]

If this sort of thing is your bag then check out my mates website. http://www.rafcliches.co.uk/rafclichescouk/id1.html



Enjoy

[PlasticCabDriver]

This SNCO can be likened to a hoop - he will trundle along quite happily if regularly hit with a stick, but take away the stick and he soon wobbles off course and falls over!

[16 blades]

How about aircraft nicknames?

-The Big Green Party Machine

-Dr Lockheed's Patented Hangover Tube

-The Belslow

-The Meatbox

-The Frightening

-The Tonka

-The Widowmaker (attributed to several types)

Any others spring to mind?

16B

[emergov]

"face like a muscovy duck in a shallow dive"

"face like a deep sea racing mullet"

"he couldn't organise a p*ssup in a brewery / f*** in a brothel / h*ndjob in a public toilet / carbomb in Baghdad / etc"

[16 blades]

Of an unlucky mate:

"If he fell into a bucket of tits, he'd come out sucking his thumb"

...and my personal favourite: "F@nny Bowser".

16B

[diginagain]

"Scrote", a term of endearment applied to AAC groundcrew in the days before Blackadder, hence its more modern application, "Baldrick"

"face like a melted wellie"

"Time to spare? - Go by Air"

[Tarnished]

Always a good one to lift the poor student's morale:

Not much wrong with todays performance Bloggs apart from a spot of bad luck and a crippling lack of ability

[MajorMadMax]

An old favorite from the USAF Air Education and Training Command (AETC)...

One person ****s their pants, and now we all have to wear diapers! :ok:

Cheers! M2

[Pilgrim101]

Overheard in Basra not too long ago in a broad Jockinese accent ---- "I'm sweating like a Paedophile in a Wendy House !"

[Aeronut]

For your flatulent colleague:


You need a pull through with a burning duffel coat :ugh:

[FJJP]

At an airshow in the USA, an American sheltering under a Vulcan's wing during a thunderstorm was heard to describe it as an...

'aloominum overcast'

Also...

'10 million rivets flying in loose formation' - Shackleton

[mystic_meg]

......how about:

"10-gallon hat, 2 pint brain":ok:

[Bob Viking]

How about when things start to turn to rats:

"...it's starting to turn into a rolling goat f##c!"

[Always_broken_in_wilts]

atmosphere hoover

thrush....... an irritating c..t

she looked as if she had been bobbing for chips

GE's bird

the list just goes on and on:ok:

all speling mistakes are "df" alcohol induced

[Krystal n chips]

"He's a f££kin winnit"!---

" If you had balls for brains you'd be a eunuch"!-----or the other way round of course.

Best line I ever heard was from an ex Vulcan Crew Chief ( F / S ) to a Plod--as in "why don't you just p££s off son"--plod asks F/S to repeat again--obviously in deep trauma by now--F/S says to my mate, Eng Cpl--"tell him what I said"--who duly tells the plod to "F££k off or I'll deck yer"--plod looks agast at F/S who duly nods in agreement. Incident related to an "unfortunate" jet pipe fire on a Jag in RAFG one Friday evening--plod had the nerve to ask: " Are we talking about criminal damage here with these two"-ie a couple of engineers with no rank badge showing. Happy days:ok:

[Matt Skrossa]

Two of my favourites for slow students.

1. They say you learn by your mistakes, so you will have learnt loads then.

2. You are so far behind the drag curve you need binoculars to even see it.

[Lee Jung]

Always good for fish'ead/blunty baiting,

"Flying Pay is not all it's cracked up to be, It only just covers the rather sizeable morgage on my country retreat."

When said fish'ead/blunty bites saying how much more promotable he is than thick, uncouth aircrew, simply reply:

"You should have worked less hard at school mate, then you could be interesting too".

[Floppy Link]

...Bloggs was so far behind the aircraft that if we'd had a mid-air collision he would have survived...

[A good headin]

Helicopters can't fly, they are just so ugly the earth repels them.

[timex]

Rather have a sister in a brothel, than a brother in the RAF / NAVY / ARMY

As welcome as a Red headed step child

He / She has a face like a soup sandwich

[glum]

"In the overhead, with Dunlops dangling"

"t*ts up, on sticks, in the shed"

"3 man, 3 fan, all aloominum persuit ship"

"Silk retarded meat bombs"

"Don't call me 'Sir', I work for a living"

"Exocet - you can see him coming and there's nothing you can do about it"

"No f*ckin use Sir, f*ckin f*ckers f*cked!"

"Uh-oh, social hand grenade has turned up, time to pull the yellow and black..."

Generally said from one squadron to another when an aircraft goes U/S during taxi and returns to the stand:
"You gonna launch that, or are you just taking it for a walk?"

[Pontius Navigator]

GIMLET - boring little tool

[Herp]

Still mutter as I get up off the porcelain - " there goes the Air Force Board to the sea-side"!

Someone set fire to her face and put it out with a frying pan.

About as welcome as a fart in a spacesuit/turd in a swimming pool.

2 more brain cells and he'd be a plant.

As sharp as the leading edge of a fog-bank.

Bloke nicknamed 'Leatherman' - he was a Complete Tool

Nickname 'CSAS' - Everyone knew something about him but no-one knew the full story.

[Tourist]

Your mother swims out to troop-ships!

[Incipient Sinner]

Sweating like a paedophile in a playground.

and, wait for deletion by mods...

Sweating like a Mississippi ni@@er in a white rape trial.

Oh forgot...

Whose round, I'm Bingo Beer.

[Floppy Link]

retort to a mate calling you a fat knacker..

"that's because every time I sh*g your mum, she gives me a biscuit"

[oldpinger]

From 'Jackspeak'

(She) Bangs like a belt-fed Wombat
(120mm recoiless rifle for those artillery spotters out there)
:8

[Onan the Clumsy]

He's hung like Einstein and has the brains of a horse.

[pohm1]

He/she's a REESTY b@st@@d.

Just went for a BIMBLE down to the bar.

Use either in civvy st and people look at you like you're a real NATO POTATO

My personal favourite was always FAT TECHIE B@ST@@D which was well understood by service and civilian alike.

[Maple 01]

I prefer 'Pom de Terre d' OTAN' (in outrageous accent) and 'Rich Techie tw@t' (with much envy in the voice!)

[Krystal n chips]

Forgot to add " He's a Military Cabbage !"---met a fair few as well !

[jindabyne]

If music was bull****, you'd be a brassband

and

If you think that was good, my cock's a kipper

[Groundgripper]

Loud yorkshire apprentice to scouse apprentice with pretensions and incipient moustache, "Just 'cos you've got hair round your mouth there's no need to talk like a c**t!"

[elderforest]

As popular as a dead rat in a tampon factory ...

[jEtGuiDeR]

Couple of favourites:

Face like fire damaged lego

Looks like she's been dragged from the wreckage of a burning spitfire

:O

[PT6ER]

"If brains were dynamite, you couldn't blow your nose"

"The only way to get a drink out of Bloggs is to stick your finger down his throat"

[Ali Barber]

He suffers from a spot of bad luck and a crippling lack of ability.

[tornstorm]

Its all turned in to a bit of a fuster cluck!

[EmergingCyclogenesis]

From the wonderful Brigadier John Bagnall (deceased), god bless 'im.


"The amount of effort you put into something is in inverse proportion to the amount of discomfort you get if you don't"

[Ali Barber]

She's a BOBFOC - Body off Baywatch, Face off Crimewatch!

[Circuit Basher]

(variation on the one from PT6ER which I've used in the past during a long evenings drinking in the Mess, where she managed to buy not a single drink!)

'What's the difference between a coconut and Flt Lt xxxx (WRAF Officer)?'

'You can get a drink out of a coconut!'

[engineer(retard)]

Another variation on the theme:

How do you get a drink out of Flt Lt xxxx?

Stick your fingers down her throat

[wub]

What's the difference between a Hercules (or Nimrod or E-3 etc.) and a hedgehog?...

The pr!cks are on the outside of a hedghog

[A good headin]

Happiness is RAF Cranwell/Swinderby/Marham/Buchan/Basra etc in the rear view mirror.

Or.....

Tristar bringing home troops after 4 months in the FaIklands. Pilot says 'Welcome on board to all the members of WRAF who are now officially ugly again'

[VitaminGee]

We once had CO known as "The Pill" - coz he was small, round and had no conception!!

[BTDTGTTShirt]

I wish I could claim this but I cant

In the bar a youf co pilot telling tails of daring do over and into Bagdad.
Very senior Master (Grumpy old git) joins conversation with "I was in Bagdad before you were even in your dadsbag" !
:ok:
Youf last seen with coat in hand:{

[ZH875]

'No Stick...No Vote'


'I bet you wish you did better at school'


'It wasn't a heavy landing'


'Fully serviceable apart from .......'

[richlear]

An old 201 MAeOp known as Vick - cos he got right up your nose...

[effortless]

Rupert: That is not the way to address an officer Sar'nt major.

Sargeant Major: Beg pardon sir, I meant "you stupid c*nt sir"

[Greek God]

How about "Lumpy Jumpers"
AKA WAAFs:cool: ;)

[Milt]

An excellent 'put down'

"Don't do that when you go for your licence"

And what about that old one ?

"Nothing on the clock but the maker's name!"

And an entreaty from a FAC to a section of Mustangs that lingers long after the event.

"Little Friends, Little Friends, come hubba hubba, I'm being attacked."

Came within a smidgen of shooting down a friendly on that occasion.

[Weezer]

Of organising senior officers & aircrew...

'It's like herding cats'

Of Harrier aircrew...

'The whining carries on when the engine shuts down'

Nickname of some technicians (on TWCU some time ago)

'Link' - as in missing

'FRUB' - F@@king Really Ugly B@st@rd (he was too)

[Thud_and_Blunder]

Weezer's post reminded me of:

BUFF - Big Ugly Fat Feller

SLUF - Short Little Ugly Feller

..and I seem to remember a couple of nicknames particular to people who might allegedly at one time or another have worked with the AAC:

OVLOV - 'cos that's what was imprinted on his face after the truck hit him (more truth than rumour)

CLANG - 'cos that's the sound the spade made when it hit her face

[BEagle]

Wasn't it 'PANG'?

The goat is out..........

[sittingstress]

PANG had a sister who was apparently hit immediately afterwards. She was called BONG.

I'm off to Akronelli tomorrow, hope it doesn't happen to me!!

Regards

ss

[DoBuyFlyBuy]

Crop ... as in Crop Circle. Anyone can see he's there but noone knows why or how he got there

[Sir Loin]

"You can't call me a C**t, I'm a senior officer!"

"Well sir, can I think you're a C**t?"

"Well, I suppose so"

"In that case sir, I think you're a C**t!!":ok:

[wub]

How can anybody be so stupid, with only one head?

[engineer(retard)]

sweating like a rockape in a spelling test

[Safeware]

"Clang", "Pang", "Bong" ????

No, I'm sure she was called Thwack. :)

sw

[Magoodotcom]

"Bloggs, if you fell into a bucket ot tits, you'd come up sucking your thumb."

[BEagle]

No, it was definitely PANG and she rightly deserved the nickname!

[teeteringhead]

More good putdowns for obnoxious yoof:

1. When serving with a Middle Eastern Air Force, one of the "contract officers" was ex RAF and (before that) ex RCAF.
Spotty, obnoxious seconded officer (NOT me) put down by him with: "Listen sonny, I've been in more Air Forces than you've been on squadrons.."

2. New, bright-eyed straight from RAFC Plt Off (also not me) arrives on first OCU/Sqn.

Aged SL Flt Lt greets him with: "Ah .... Bloggs .... you're new here aren't you?"
Plt Off, brightly: "Yes I am!"
ASLFL: "Well don't f*kcing forget it!!"

[PPRuNeUser0139]

"Bloggs is so dim he couldn't hack it as a spell checker in an M&M factory..."

[insty66]

And of course
"if you play ball with us....................................we'll shove the bat up your rrrrrrrrrrrs"
:\

Strikes a chord these days:ooh: :mad:

[Anita Bush]

Always a good one when winching....

"It's all gone Pete Tong........move left"

[Carbide Finger]

Can't means won't and won't means jail!

[kluge]

"face like a smacked arse"
"face like a bulldog chewing a wasp"
"face like bag of spanners"

"used to be indecisive but now is not too sure"

"walks like a dog sh****g razor blades"

"if wit were sh**t you'd be constipated"

"had more pricks than a second hand pin cushion"

"buffalo butt"

[Zoom]

Aged flt lt to young PO contemplating Friday night in the Flamingo Club (Grimsby): 'You're so ***t-struck your eyes are dripping semen.'

[Wizzard]

She had a face like a blind cobbler's thumb

....a tw*t like a ripped out fireplace.

[X-QUORK]

Radio silence imposed by domestic Sunray = Wife not happy

"This, gentleman, is the M18 Claymore mine. It contains 700 steel balls packed tightly against 1.5lbs of curved C4 plastic explosive. Just like Quality Street really, there's more than enough for everyone to get some."

Six Hundred and Fifty Second Airborne Death From Above = 652 Sqn AAC

BATS = Ba$tard Air Techs

SPAMS = Sp**tic Plastic American Mother F**kers

Porridge W*gs = Scottish people

Sweaty Socks = As above

Harry Black Maskers = Black Masking Tape

Select "neck-in", and wind.

The bloke's a f**king class 1 pumper/stroker/ass-hat/donut/felcher/clusterf**k/tool/spanner/bottom-feeder.

[timzsta]

Pass us the "scrincer" mate.

Scrincer (adj) - technical term for any item without a proper name.

OIC of RN Freddie School to fellow student:

"Where do you think the learning curve is in relation to your head young man"

"Slightly above me Sir"

"Try about Flight Level 250"

[The Maintainer]

'Not a flicker on the give-a-sh1t-ometer'

'Here's 10p - go and phone someone who gives a sh1t' (probably needs to be more now - haven't used a public phone for years!)

[skaterboi]

She's got a pu$$y like a wizard's sleeve :E

[animo et fide]

She's got a face like a bulldog licking p15s off a nettle

Always seems to get me that one!

[cazatou]

I'm not sure that this would fall into the Modern Classification of "Banter" but I would suggest that it is a classic of its genre.

In 1914 the RN was somewhat surprised to find that, on mobilasation, it had more Sailors than the Ships it had could accommodate. It therefore transmogrified its Sailors into Troops as the "Royal Naval Division".

By 1916 this had become the 63rd Division of the British Army, although it was entirely staffed by the RN.

At this point its Command devolved upon a General Shute whose first act was to insist that all NCOs should wear army rank on one sleeve as well as their naval rank on the other. (TACT?)

The Division had just taken over a section of the line from a Portugese Division whose idea of sanitary arrangements was not in accordance with normal British pratice!!

I now quote from Sub Lt William Marlow, MC (RNVR). Howe Battali
Royal Naval Divisi
" Shute was a proper Army bloke. He never really liked this naval
tradition stuff and when he took over he came and inspected us. We'd only just gone into the line in the Souchez Sector and we'd taken it over from the Portugese. Of course, it was in a bloody mess, but w hadn't had time to clear it up or anything. Well, Shute was furious. He went back and wrote an absolute stinker about the disgusting state of our trenches and really created a most awful fuss. Alan Herbert was an Officer in the Royal Naval Division - A P Herbert, who later
became very well known as a writer. He wrote a poem about this episode, well it was a song really, and it started off in the Wardroom and then it went right down through allthe Ranks.

The General inspecting the trenches
exclaimed with a horrified shout,
"I REFUSE TO COMMAND A DIVISION
WHICH LEAVES ITS EXCRETA ABOUT"


But nobody took any notice
No one was prepared to refute
That the prescence of **** was congenial
Compared to the prescence of Shute

And certain responsible critics
Made haste to reply to his words
Observing that his Staff advisors
Consisted entirely of turds

For **** may be shot at odd corners
And paper supplied there to suit,
But a **** would be shot without mourners
If somebody shot that **** Shute.

[Incipient Sinner]

That daily grind on detachment of the 'Ops normal call to Dragon Ops' back home.

[tinpis]

Sarge: "Orright you lot who called the cook a cnut?"

Little voice from line: "Who called the cnut a cook?"

Old ones is best.

[airborne_artist]

GI at BRNC trying to get the International Officers to fall in.

"Fall in three deep" - They shuffle about a bit, trying not to be in front, but looking more like a bus queue than a military section, some on their own, others up to five deep.

With raised voice "All right then, just stand one behind the other, twice" :cool:

[BattlerBritain]

"PVR - You know it makes sense"

... written on the inside of a green, plastic portaloo doubling as a guard hut at the entrance to Lyneham, back when Techies like me spent more time doing guard duty than we did Techying.

[X-QUORK]

Don't buy a telly
Don't buy a car
Save all your money and PVR

[rej]

For those who work in an environment where you still have brew lists

Tea/Coffee Julie Andrews - Tea/coffee white none(nun)

Tea/coffee Whoppi Goldburg - Tea/coffee blach none (nun)

[Southern Scottie]

Do supernumary officers still 'bimble'...?:8

[The Helpful Stacker]

Some from my world,

"Its no good pointing, USAS says its not there".

"You can't have it, someone else might want it".

[charliegolf]

At Swinberdy, late 70's, cpl Garstang, spot inspection:

Him: Air Cadet Golf, are you switching to rockape?- Ithought you were an aerocrat (generic baby aircrew pisstake)

Me: No corporal

Him: Then why does your space look like an indoor grenade range then?

CG

[Thud_and_Blunder]

During basic training at Ashford in the early 70s, when the news was packed nearly every day with stories of the human and financial costs of the terrorist bombing campaign:

Cpl (after less-than-satisfactory block inspection): "If the IRA planted a bomb in here it'd do £10,000 pounds worth of improvements!"

---

Generic one I only ever heard once - used when anyone was heard to mutter "schidt":

"..said-the-King,-and-five-thousand-&rses-heaved-and-strained-'cos-in-those-days-it-was-no-mean-thing-to-disregard-the-word-of-royalty" (reeled out in one long without-pauses spiel)

[ACW418]

Heard in a factory making parts of Exocets (for the RN not the Argies) in the early 1970's. Production Manager to a better than average looking young lady on the production line. "Hello Spanner Face". She "Why are you calling me Spanner Face". He "Cos every time I look at you it makes makes my nuts tighten".

Don't think you could get away with that these days!

ACW