tablet_eraser
25th Mar 2005, 12:48
Scientists were thrilled today at the discovery of apparently well-preserved soft tissue in an ancient fossil - a phenomenon never seen before.
Scientists at the Univeristy of Knotty Ash (formerly Liverpool Polytechnic) discovered the remains of "moral fibres" in a fossilised dinosaur, known as "Hoon" (Buff Rex Capabilitis). The creature was dubbed "Hoon" due to scientists' deduction that its principle means of communication was a low, barely intelligible moaning, or "hooning" noise.
"We don't know much about the creature we're studying, " admitted Professor Faye Ninterest. "What we do know is that it was of an extremely low order of intelligence and probably hunted alone, striking randomly at other dinosaurs such as the so-called 'British Army', inflicting deep cuts on them with its vicious claws. We also know that its 'hooning' noise conferred an evolutionary disadvantage by appeasing dinsoaurs such as Gropin Budgetus, better known as Beancountas, a dinosaur known to triumph in battle over the Hoon. If, indeed, the Hoon ever put up a fight, which is by no means certain."
But the discovery which has excited scientists the most was of small, flexible strands of fibre located deep inside the creature's skull. Quoth the Professor: "Previously we had thought that the creature's cranium was solid bone, as its apparent behavioural traits indicate no intelligent capability at all. However, on dissolving away some of the minerals inside the skull we discovered what appear to be minute strands of moral fibre."
The scientists would not be drawn on whether this meant scientists would be able to resurrect the dinosaur, á la "Jurassic Fart", the film concerning the recreation of the previously extinct ape Homo Mandelsonius.
"I think that the Hoon caused enough damage when it was allowed to roam free the first time. Better that we leave it extinct, as it did with many of the organisms it was supposed to have protected."
Professor Ninterest is 108. Buff Rex Capabilitis's "moral fibres" do not exist.
(With apologies to Private Eye)
Scientists at the Univeristy of Knotty Ash (formerly Liverpool Polytechnic) discovered the remains of "moral fibres" in a fossilised dinosaur, known as "Hoon" (Buff Rex Capabilitis). The creature was dubbed "Hoon" due to scientists' deduction that its principle means of communication was a low, barely intelligible moaning, or "hooning" noise.
"We don't know much about the creature we're studying, " admitted Professor Faye Ninterest. "What we do know is that it was of an extremely low order of intelligence and probably hunted alone, striking randomly at other dinosaurs such as the so-called 'British Army', inflicting deep cuts on them with its vicious claws. We also know that its 'hooning' noise conferred an evolutionary disadvantage by appeasing dinsoaurs such as Gropin Budgetus, better known as Beancountas, a dinosaur known to triumph in battle over the Hoon. If, indeed, the Hoon ever put up a fight, which is by no means certain."
But the discovery which has excited scientists the most was of small, flexible strands of fibre located deep inside the creature's skull. Quoth the Professor: "Previously we had thought that the creature's cranium was solid bone, as its apparent behavioural traits indicate no intelligent capability at all. However, on dissolving away some of the minerals inside the skull we discovered what appear to be minute strands of moral fibre."
The scientists would not be drawn on whether this meant scientists would be able to resurrect the dinosaur, á la "Jurassic Fart", the film concerning the recreation of the previously extinct ape Homo Mandelsonius.
"I think that the Hoon caused enough damage when it was allowed to roam free the first time. Better that we leave it extinct, as it did with many of the organisms it was supposed to have protected."
Professor Ninterest is 108. Buff Rex Capabilitis's "moral fibres" do not exist.
(With apologies to Private Eye)