Top tips......

[BEagle]

When I first started flying ME aircraft, the old and sage ones used to pass on their various pearls of wisdom. Here are 3 - please add any others you've come across...

1. Drift - Port Plus, Starboard Subtract.

2. Always carry a can opener in your navbag.

3. NEVER let a navigator loose with a hire car.

[Pontius Navigator]

Never let a pilot have a nav bag.

Always check the copilot has the rations.

Never let the copilot book the accomodation.

[BEagle]

A fool and his bag are soon parted.

If they say "The tranpsort is on its way", it isnt'!

The 1000 clearance won't.

[Impiger]

Three things you don't do:

Never pass up the chance to eat

Never pass up the chance to refuel (airborne or on the ground)

Never pass the chance to use a flushing loo (particularly apposite given our current expeditionary nature)

[Zone 2 Alt]

Never let an Officer near the wine list on a crew meal!

[artyhug]

Never eat anything bigger than your head

and

Always kill something everyday, no matter how small it is just to maintain currency......


Courtesy of two (ex) colonial exchange occifers on a TWU squadron afraid of Norman.....

;)

[Beeayeate]

Never refuse the services of the Bog Wagon.

Never wear sunglasse when reading the F700.

Never use the local water for anything but washing hands.

But most important . . .

Never eat anything you can't spell.

[Talking Radalt]

Always carry a personal bogroll in your bergen.

[Navaleye]

artyhug, you've just given me the biggest laugh of the day, thanks very much:= :=

[Could be the last?]

3 More....

- Don't bulls**t a bulls**ter!

- Don't fight battles you cant win......

- Dont judge a man until you've walked in his shoes!

[artyhug]

'Could be the last' never has a truer word been said,


You should indeed never judge a man until you've walked a mile in his shoes,



after that you can do what the hell you like because you're a mile away and you've got his shoes...............


;)

[Trumpet_trousers]

..Don't p*ss the Loadmaster/Galley slave/whoever off until you've eaten..

[Incipient Sinner]

Never get seperated from your luggage.


Never underpack for a det...

Cos any fool can be uncomfortable.

[uncle peter]

Never dare, or double dare, an idiot.

[BEagle]

Man who plans early, plans twice!

Man who fart against thunder get lightning strike on arse!

Man who rocks boat will probably get wave in face.

(Don't ask me how I got to find out about the last two!)

[akula]

NEVER ever under any circumstances(no natter how good a deal you seem to be getting) volunteer for anything!!!!!!!

[JimNich]

And another three.

"Don't worry today about what happened yesterday."

"Always get the first punch in."

And the one that I adhered to for over 22 years of service. "Its easier to seek forgiveness than gain permission."

[oldbeefer]

Always make the last flight on a squadron the one you've just done !

[airborne_artist]

Train hard, fight easy

[norvenmunky]

never feed sprouts to your dog!

[jimgriff]

Never eat yellow snow!!:p

[RedFlag]

Never get less than 8 hours sleep (nope, did that already, got kids)

Never sleep with a woman with a tattoo of a dagger anywhere on her body (oops, did that too, hence the kids and no sleep)

Never play cards for money with a guy whose first name is the same as a city (don't have time for cards 'cos of the first 2, guess I'm okay then)

I'll get my coat.....:O

[P-T-Gamekeeper]

Before going out on the juice downroute:

1. Set your alarm clock (or 3 if you are as paranoid as me).

2. Pack your suitcase, to expedite your departure the next morning having failed (1.).

[soddim]

Never drink anything you can't see through

[16 blades]

Before going out on the juice downroute:

1. Set your alarm clock (or 3 if you are as paranoid as me).

2. Pack your suitcase, to expedite your departure the next morning having failed (1.).

...may I add:

3. Shave and dress in flying kit on return to Hotel. Sleep in same. So when you sleep through alarms 1-3, and the phone call from reception, you are ready immediate departure when your co brings the duty manager to your room with the master key....

16B

[Green Flash]

Never forget Murphys First law of Space

(The amount of possesions that you take will expand to fill 110% of the available space. Only you and your god knows where all this cr@p came from; you would fill a hanger if you had one.);)

Anyone want to start a Murphys Law thread?:}

[PileUp Officer]

Never ever, ever say "I swear it's not just bar chat"

[The Rocket]

Never **** on peple on the way up, cos you have to meet them all on the way back down.

[SASless]

Don't squat with your spurs on!

Always drink upstream from the herd!

If you find yourself in a hole....first thing to do is quit digging!

[wishtobflying]

"Perception is reality"

[SmilingKnifed]

Always lock the door!

(Particularly when drunk mates are around)

[Firestreak]

Never fly the Mk1, always wait for the Mk2!

[Gainesy]

If you plan to put a large round of drinks for Jag/Tonka mates on your editor's Paris-hotel room number, first check that said personage is not stood behind you at the bar.:( :)

[beerdrinker]

Rules for the over 50's

1. Never pass a toilet
2. Never trust a f@rt
3. Never waste an erection

[AllTrimDoubt]

Remember:

1. We're here for a good time, not a long time

2. Warfare not welfare!

[Bertie Thruster]

Always sterilise the zircon incrusted tweezers.

[Art Field]

Never believe anyone who says "You don't need to know that", you will !!!.

[TurbineTooHot]

Man with hands in pocket feel cocky all day!

[18greens]

..and don't drive over narrow bridges when you're pi***d out of your brains..

[teeteringhead]

1. Never drink port after champagne.:yuk:

2. Never hunt south of the Thames (not difficult to keep to this one now :( )

3. Never make love first thing in the morning - you may get a better offer later in the day :E

[Last call for Mr..]

Confucious say,

many more airplanes in sea than submarines in air!


Cheque please!!!!:uhoh:

[Rattus]

A real gem from Billy Connolly:

Never trust a man who, when left alone in a room with a tea cosy, doesn't try it on.

I'll get me tea cosy...

[gearontheglide]

Always check there is paper on the roll BEFORE you sit down!

[Cheers Chief!]

As bags are dumped in the hotel before the down route lash, ALWAYS pick up a book of hotel matches with address of said hotel printed on.
Then, when stumbling out of a random foreign club, taxi driver conversations are significantly easier.
PLUS, you'll be suprised how many Holiday Inns' some large cities have!!!

[gravity victim]

"Man who go to sleep with itchy bottom...wake up with smelly finger". (Confucius)

[albert the first]

There are pies you have and there are pies you don't

Always leave your watch/alarm in zulu

Greens are for dying in not ironing

If it's not snowing we're not going

If it's not raining, it's not training

[shaky]

The aircraft you fly was supplied by the lowest bidder/

[16 blades]

As bags are dumped in the hotel before the down route lash, ALWAYS pick up a book of hotel matches with address of said hotel printed on.
Then, when stumbling out of a random foreign club, taxi driver conversations are significantly easier.
PLUS, you'll be suprised how many Holiday Inns' some large cities have!!!

If you do ascribe to this practice, ensure your pockets are emptied of ALL other books of matches before you leave said hotel, especially those that hail from a neighbouring country. Some f**king BIG taxi fares have been run up that way.......

16B

[BANANASBANANAS]

Three things never to take on an exotic detachment.

1. Conscience.
2. Camera.
3. Wedding Ring.


And, when in the shower, always wash your face before your ar$e!

[Oggin Aviator]

dirty pants .... clean botty !

dirty duvet .... dirty mind !

[lineslime]

Techies, don't put Lyneham on your dream sheets as dissapointment is a sad feeling.

[BigGav-squipper]

1, If in doubt - Change it
2, Hope for the best - Expect the worst
3, Never assume - Always check

[PileUp Officer]

Ah, i just thought of another, from bitter personal experience:

Always put your first choice down last on your dream sheet

[SASless]

Only run around with women with small hands.....it makes yer Willy look bigger!:ok:

[Talking Radalt]

Never assume......check. :ok:

And if you can't check, at least sound convincing when you start guessing.:E


When at war, everything essential to an exercise is meaningless, and everything meaningless on exercise is vital. :ugh:

[BEagle]

The aim of the RAF is to fly and fight

The role of those who don't is to support those who do.

[engineer(retard)]

You don't have to be a pilot to fly in the RAF - but it tends to be safer if you are.

[Paul McCacksdown]

"it's better to go through life regretting having done things than regretting not having done things"

"if you insist on burying your head in the sand, someone will s**g your "a**e" :ooh:

[An Teallach]

Given to me by a CO on being commissioned from the ranks. Edited for tri-Service usage:

Before you went to [Dartmouth / Sandhurst / Cranwell] you knew that the [POs / Sgts] ran the [Navy / Army / Air Force].

Now you know that they don't.

However, it would be a fecking stupid officer who told the [POs / Sgts] that!

[Butty]

Three useless things.....

Height above you.

Runway behind you.

Fuel you left on the ground.

[ACW599]

Red sky at night, engine's alight.

[Wigan Warrior]

I thought it went Red sky at night, Toxteth's on fire (again)

My top-tip... If there's any doubt, there's no doubt!

Viz Top-tip.... make your neighbours think you're a mad scientist by hiring a JCB, parking it on your drive, then spending all evening swithching your house lights on /off and dimming them. Before your neighbours wake up replace the JCB with a tonka toy replica.

[lineslime]

PVR, it's the way ahead and possibly a bit quicker and more certain than redundancy.

[B9]

Faint heart never fu**ed a pig

[Bright-Ling]

Never get seperated from your sleeping bag (Ch47s are cold tents)

Never believe your desk officer (ok - maybe in writing...!)

Never eat yellow snow in Norway

[Gainesy]

Never get seperated from your sleeping bag (Ch47s are cold tents)

Amen to that!

(And don't believe folk who tell you your kit will be on the next lift. Specially Smokey Furness).:)

[seven4mankind]

When out on the pop, always, always, always walk around the joint finding all the ugly birds and, whilst still relatively together, say one of the following things:
1. Have you just farted?
2. Been chasing parked JCBs?
3. If you look like your mother, I think I may have s-----d her a few weeks ago
4. I always swamp after sex

That way, no matter how much you may try later, they won't sleep with you.
I've never done the walk of shame since!

s4m

[Pontius Navigator]

Before discussng you next posting with your desk officer ask him when he is posted. If its before you don't believe a word he says.

[BTDTGTTShirt]

BEagle - Drift - Port Plus Stbd Subtract
OK so long as you dont have a nav bag or a drift bitch on the crew.:E

Brightling - CH 47 cold tents. Not wrong, in fact ***kin cold tents.

Gainsey - Are you talking about a Smokey Furness who was on 7 Sqn circa 83-85? If so BTDTGTTS!

[Lizzie]

Best thread in ages, this.....

Never get separated from your kit

Never pass Food, Fuel or a Porcelain

Never fall in love; in the dark....
from behind...
when pi**ed...
over the radio....
or, at long range..!

The only time you can have too much fuel is when you are on fire.

Friendly fire hurts just as much....

[Gainesy]

Smokey Furness who was on 7 Sqn circa 83-85?

Yep! He of the biggest USL in all Chinookery.

Nil maggot was on Ex PurpleDurple at Wet Through, Nov '87.

Bumped into him @ Farnborough show a few years back, had severalteen beers or so, dunno where he is now. Still in touch with Bograt.

[Maple 01]

Never, NEVER take a deficiency chit

[Gainesy]

...is that what you get after a week on compo?


coat already on.

[Llademos]

From the Foot and Mouth days ...

Red Sky at Night - Cows Alight

Red Syy in Morning - Cows Still Burning

[Pontius Navigator]

If its bust before take-off it won't get better once you are airborne.

[AdrianShaftsworthy]

Only one - Never get caught, ( I speak from bitter experience!!).:)

[bigley]

Never let your mum brush your hair when she is angry and never pull your dad's finger when he asks!

[Talking Radalt]

You don't have to win every battle to win the war.

(This applies as much to baiting old-fashioned Master Aircrew who should've retired years ago as it does to armed conflict:E )

[Ed Winchester]

Never wipe your arse with a broken bottle.

[Duncan Bucket]

My old dad always says, the three most useless things in aviation are:

Runway behind you

Airspace above you

Fuel in the bowser

Although I'm sure there are a few more

My favourites:
Never tie your shoelaces in a revolving door,

and a pat on the back from a GL is just a recce for a knife:ok:

[Monty77]

1. Checks waste time.
2. Never check, assume.
2. Don't chicken out at Descent Height.

[RubiC Cube]

When on detachment:

Go ugly early

[TurbineTooHot]

For all you smokers out there:

"Don't put cigarette ends in the urinals.

It make them soggy and difficult to light!"


Fnar!

Turbs

[swampy_lynx_puke]

Top tips:

Better to be on the ground wishing you were airborne than the other way around

Never stand up in a canoe

If you need to make yourself sick, put one hand down your throat and the other up your arse, if that does not work ..... change hands

[MAD Boom]

RUBIC,

Why go ugly early just on detachment? Works just as well at home, they all need lovin' some time.

It improves fitness too 'cos waking up next to a fat/ugly (or both) bird is usually followed by running away at speed before she wakes up and gets your mobile number!

[haltonapp]

Never leave the crew kitty, there will be none left when you get back!

[Manuel Hung]

It is better to remain silent and thought a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.

Better to sweat on the training area than bleed on the battleground.

[C130 Techie]

They say that great minds think alike.

But I have also found that fools seldom differ.

[Ordynants]

MAD Boom

Remind me to tell Mrs. MAD Boom your thoughts on going ugly.


.:ok:

We're still great

[Safeware]

Check for bogroll before you sit down.

[Onan the Clumsy]

Make sure you've got the Kleenex handy before you start dreaming about that new receptionist :ok:

[BEagle]

Why - in case she needs to blow her nose?

Always check that the immersion suit pee sleeve is serviceable before you need it! Bloke on 45/58 once dashed to the loo after a trip with 2 x 230 plus 2 x 100 fitted, only to find that the squippers had glued the pee sleeve to the suit by mistake.....

[ShyTorque]

If you wake up to find yourself lying on a chewed-off female arm - you know SHE regrets going ugly early!

[Lafyar Cokov]

Never have sex with a girl who has a bigger knob than you!!!!

[Incipient Sinner]

Bad experience eh, Lafyer?? :yuk:

[allan907]

Never marry a WRAF officer called G******** , cos she'll dump you for someone else and then you spend the rest of your life wondering just who she was shagging while you were posted apart.

[Lafyar Cokov]

Bad experience eh, Lafyer??

I refuse to comment

[LoeyDaFrog]

1. Ban the Whale, Save the Bomb.
2. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
3. Never argue with an idiot, they wear you down to their level and then beat you with experience

[Dave Allen]

Lafyar,
are you implying that it's OK if it's smaller than yours?;)

[PPRuNeUser0172]

Better to be a live c**t than a dead hero

[PerArdua]

never wee into the wind (First rule of the airfield)


I will get my coat!!!

[Lafyar Cokov]

are you implying that it's OK if it's smaller than yours?

Well - its a start!!!

[Busta]

If there's any doubt, there's no doubt.

Nothing matters very much, most things don't matter at all.

Tiger, Tiger, Tiger