You know the pilot is lying when...

[U R NumberOne]

Had an aircraft return to the field a few minutes after departure the other day. The radar controller phoned me to co-ordinate its join to the circuit and told me "the pilot said they're returning for company reasons but I'm a bit suspicious as while he was transmitting I could hear the other pilot in the background saying "This thing is shaking like nobody's business"!"

The problem causing the div back was actually a door warning light. Just wondering if anyone else has any good lies that you just know aren't true.

[static]

Inbound FCO:
-"join TAQ goulding paattern, espekt short delai"

:) :) :)

[matspart3]

Many moons ago, had a Bandeirante on a night freight run abort take off due....."Company have just advised us we've got some additional freight..request taxi back to stand"....when the a/c arrived back at the apron, the driver (now a Chief pilot somewhere bigger I believe) jumped out and removed the pitot cover!

[Data Dad]

When the pilot says he's climbing VFR to FL235 and its overcast at 2000ft - and Number One should know who I'm referring to!

[BuzzLightyear]

"Request right/left 10 degrees to avoid wx" when you know that there isn't anything there and the turn just happens to coincide with a direct routing.

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To infinity and beyond

[LXGB]

A past favorite,

XXX123, 3 miles, at visual decision point. Are you visual?


[Pause], [Further pause], X-X-X-1-2-3, is ah..., ummmm..., Visual.


Roger XXX123 Cleared to land.

[HEATHROW DIRECTOR]

Yonks ago... a green aeroplane (THE very best!) when it was quiet announced "We can go visual from here, London" (he was at FL80 at the time). I immediately started to say "Cleared for a visual...." and noticed it was 8 oktas at 2000 ft, which I told him. "It's OK, we know where the field is!" And he did! I'm going to miss those guys more than any other when I retire...

[west country fatbloke]

not so long ago.."request descent" of about 5,000ft-when asked why pilot replies "pretty bumpy up here"-of their own backs two other 'planes tx "no it's not" (or words to that effect)-1st pilot admits that it's not for original reason but that the first officer has a sinus infection and his nose is about to explode!! (sounds of laughter from all flights on freq and,of course,atc!!)

[woatc]

A pilot cleared to FL220 called in passing level 190 from Kopenhagen FIR.
After a few seconds i saw him passing Level 226 and asked him - he said he has been cleared to FL 240 from Kopenhagen ;)
After a call to Copenhagen and they denied, he told me´: "Really oh i see it's my Autopilot which is malfunction- i will "fly-by-hand" ;)

From this Moment he continous his way for 40 miles between FL213 and 226 - unable to maintain 22o ;)

Think he was to proud to tell his system malfunctioned, or to afraid he couldn't fly on hand ;))

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Carpe Diem !

[monkey boy]

their lips are moving?

[Odi]

They call visual with company traffic when the other helicopter is at least 10 miles away!

Or they call visual with company traffic despite the other helicopter being in IMC!

[Warped Factor]

Not exactly in line with the subject, but.....

Good old Varig on being asked "what level are you climbing to" as it busts the SID restriction.

"Any level you like, Sir".

Or the pilot of a green machine, who like HD says will do anything for you, after being asked "reduce to minimum safe approach speed".

"We're already doing that, would you like us to come back a bit more".

:)

WF.

[driver 8]

Odi: It's amazing how they are visual with the company aircraft in IMC, especially on the wx radar.

I've also had one report visual with the field, on asking whether he was visual with the traffic in front the reply was yes, we're visual...well we've got him on TCAS.

[NudgingSteel]

Similar vein:

Quiet morning - just one plane within 30 miles: 737 on a visual approach, cleared to land. Gets to 1nm and reports going around (too high and fast). Not a problem - no other traffic around - so he's cleared for a visual circuit to report downwind. As the a/c turns crosswind, over the tower frequency comes:
"Ladies and gentlemen, the captain here, as you will have noticed we've had to abort the landing. There's no problem, ATC just put us in a bit tight behind the previous aircraft, so we're repositioning back onto final approach, sorry for the delay"

Okay, that worries the pax less than "The F/O screwed up" so I don't have a particular problem with it......caused much amusement in the tower though, especially when it was pointed out to the pilot that he'd just pressed the wrong switch.......

[terrain safe]

How about when you ask the 2nd A/C "are you visual with the company traffic 5 miles ahead" and they answer "Affirm, we've got them on the weather radar" !!!

What can you say?

[surface wind]

A BM pilot telling you that he's at 250kts below FL100!!!!

[passepartout]

At least they are honest about it,got ground speed readout on our new shiny radar tubes,first liason visit from a base captain..."oh great were gonna have to do the speeds you tell us now"

[HugMonster]

Around the Dartford Crossing, several traffic watchers in the area:-

Thames RDR:- "XXX 210, transponder returns indicate 2,200'. Please confirm you are NOT in the TMA?"
XXX 210:- "Confirm we are NOT - standby, let me recycle squawk"
(Pause)
XXX 210:- "Thames Radar, confirm our transponder Mode C return?"
Thames RDR:- "That seems to be working - now indicating 1,800"

!!! :) No names, no pack drill.

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Breeding Per Dementia Unto Something Jolly Big, Toodle-pip

[375ml]

or trying to be honest....

ABC: Centre ABC request clearance to leave control area on descent and return to aeorodrome
Cen: ABC leave CTA on descent and track as required, confirm ops normal
ABC: ABC ops normal ...
Cen: ABC contact area ...
ABC: Area ABC on descent tracking ...
Area: ABC, be advised tower will be closing before your return, would you like them to stay?
ABC: Area, ABC we really truly are ops normal

[Rayden]

Had this B1900 in final. Vis and ceilling were really low. So after he touches down I ask. 'what was the ceilling' Pilot comes back and says. At minimum IFR.

A minute after that he hears company on final. He tells pilot to switch to company freq. Knowing what that is we put on other radio to it. He then says to the other guy. Be carefull I never saw the runway until I touched it.
Great Minimums...

[atcomatic]

Had a CFE ATR42 on once, called climbing to FL170 then I cleared it to FL190. As he was passing FL160, I gave him a left turn. In the background on the reply I could hear the ''one to go'' buzzer. I queried what level he was climbing to, to which he replied FL190. Told him I had heard the ''one to go'' passing FL160, and got the reply ''er...oh yes, forgot to change the autopilot...oops''. Another honest pilot!

[willadvise]

Centre"ABC and DEF, in turn report DME Distance XYZ"

"ABC, we are 100 DME XYZ"
"DEF, we are 118 DME XYZ"

"Roger both, for you descent I require 20DME
between. say again your DME distances"

"ABC,we are 97 DME XYZ"
"DEF,we are 117 DME XYZ"