The BA Way

[bealine]

BA Management have just written a paper called "The BA Way" highlighting procedures they would like to see implemented to achieve cost-savings and revenue maximisation:

I though I'd share some words of wisdom! For Information, KPI stands for "Key Performance Indicators" - the way BA dtermines how effectively an employee or department is functioning.

Written by a Ground Staff member at LGW from the "I Wish I Had Said It Department!"..........

THE B A WAY

To fully understand "The BA Way" I have been living my life in the same manner as "The BA Way". Here are my results:

My mortgage lender is not happy with me; They insist I should be paying the new base rate of 4.5% on my mortgage instead of the Inflation +0.5% that I am offering them. Well, if they don't like it, they know what they can do - change lendee!

My bank manager has told me that my account is being poorly managed. I mewrely tell him it's not my fault, but my payees are holding up my throughput and my wealth has a high absence rate. I have told him that as long as I continue to control the negative fiscality, I am sure he will pay me a "Well Met" KPI bonus.

My Council Tax has risen by 5%, 6% and 14% in the last three years. I have told my council that they are not working "The BA Way". If they were, they should have raised my council tax by 2.5%, 3% and 2.75%. Until they bring their rises in line with "The BA Way" I have told them I am witholding funds. They have told me they are sending in the bailiffs.

Due to the unprecedented rise in petrol prices, I am filling up 55 litres, paying for it, filling up with another 5 litres and absconding without paying. Due to this, I am being hunted by police in three counties. When the catch up with me, I am sure they will accept my plea of "The BA Way".

Finally, my wife told me that her weekly shopping bill has risen from £120 to £150. This is an unacceptable rise of 25%. I have told her she should put in a claim of no more than £120 (RPI + 0.5%), but if she accepts, then we should see an increase of spensing on beer of 10%. She has now been absent from the kitchen for more than 10 days and I am placing her on an Absence Management Review Process. She has replied that I'll be lucky to see any rise in the bedroom for the forseeable future.......................

[apaddyinuk]

HAHAHAHAHA...

Brilliant....I was having problems trying to understand the meaning of "the BA way" but now you have put it in laymans terms for me I think I am confident in fulfilling to goals of THE BA WAY....Thanks bealine :ok:

[Avman]

Excellent and lol bealine! Applicable to so many of us in the aviation (and others) industry. Never thought I'd hear myself saying it, but it's time for the unions to become powerful again and put a stop to this worldwide scam by the fat cats!

[Final 3 Greens]

Avman

If only life were that simple.

Bealine and his colleagues at LGW are suffering, to a large degree, for the "crimes" of others at another place, many of whom consider themselves "bombproof."

[Boss Raptor]

Oh god this sounds like the very expensive management consultant programmes I so abide and usually end of picking up the pieces of - for christ sake just run the bloody airline!

[weis]

I could not have put that better myself. Make no mistake, we are experiencing pretty much the same situation in LHR. :ok:

[Aksai Oiler]

The dreaded KPI's :yuk:

Had to suffer these for the last 4 years. Just a way for the client or management to kick you up the :* when you have 99 to 100% efficiency. We also have another fudge factor called BVA - we have to have at least 20% BVA ontop of our margins before we can make any bonuses.

:yuk: :yuk: :yuk: :yuk: :yuk: :yuk:

[Lou Scannon]

Sorry, Bealine, but there is one major flaw in your comparisons.
Come what may, you are obliged to be a customer of your local council etc and so they can be fairly casual about their pay scales and their costs knowing this.

No one has to be a customer of BA however, and if they pay their employees whatever they thing they are worth the ticket price will be so high that no one will buy them. You will then have an even bigger problem when you get laid off.

There is a lot of competition out there with companies who's pay scales are far worse than yours. Think on that for a while!