dingducky
10th Dec 2000, 05:54
THE CARE AND FEEDING OF FLIGHT INSTRUCTORS
The flight student faces two major problems in learning to fly. One is the airplane--a piece of machinery that can be mastered with perseverance, practice, patience, cool headedness, curses, and an occasional swift kick. The other is the flight instructor--a problem that is not so easily surmounted.
The instructor is a special breed of pilot. He is easily recognizable by his great courage, extreme skill, unbelievable knowledge, low forehead, mean little eyes, and a hungry look. Because he already knows how to fly (fairly well), he already has the student at a complete disadvantage. He is unimpressed with any skills the student may have outside the field of aviation. Therefore, he is dedicated to showing the student how little he knows and, by his own example, how completely unsuitable the student is as pilot material.
Therefore, those who wish to make a success of flying are advised to follow a few common sense rules in dealing with the instructor.
1. CONSIDER THE WAY THE FLIGHT INSTRUCTORS RATE THEIR EFFECTIVENESS. The best instructor is the one that can stomp the floor the hardest, hit the instrument panel the most often, curse the loudest, clinch his fist the tightest, and look the maddest of any man in the country.
2. EARN HIS RESPECT. Best done by saying your father is president of an airline company looking for pilots at a fantastic salary.
3. REWARD HIS EFFORTS. Bribe him with bills of large denominations. He may show you a little about flying.
4. LET HIM KNOW YOUR PROBLEMS. Say you are constantly pursued by beautiful women to whom you would introduce him. Instructors are all girl crazy and you will get extra flight time while he thinks it over. It also keeps his mind off your mistakes.
5. SHOW ADMIRATION FOR HIM. Let him know you are impressed that he can fly even though he had no sleep the previous night and is suffering from an acute hangover. Instructors are egotistical and will mistake this for a compliment.
6. LET HIM KNOW WHO IS BOSS. This is done by keeping your mouth shut, as he already knows who the boss is.
7. NEVER DISOBEY INSTRUCTIONS. When the instructor tells you to go to H..., file a flight plan and take off (with him aboard).
8. BE CHARITABLE. Always buy coffee for your instructor-- he is always broke.
9. INTRODUCE HIM TO YOUR FRIENDS AS THE FAMOUS FLYING PROFESSOR. Later tell them in private what he really is and how he is hindering your flight training.
10. FLATTER HIM. Assume he is an airline pilot moonlighting as an instructor.
11. PRETEND YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND HIM AS HE SPOUTS OFF HIGH brow aeronautical terminology. He thinks that only the elite can understand.
12. SHOW APPRECIATION FOR CHARGING A SMALL RATE FOR LESSONS. He wouldn't be teaching if he could get any other aviation job.
13. MARVEL THAT HIS WIFE PERMITS HIM TO STAY AWAY FROM SO MUCH. Actually, she's out making a living for the family.
14. LET HIM THINK YOU ARE AFRAID OF AIRPLANES. He thinks that only experienced pilots have confidence in airplanes.
15. DO NOT READ THE MATERIAL HE ASSIGNS YOU. He is trying to further confuse you with what other instructors think. (Actually he wants to see that the way he has been teaching you is better than the way they say to do it in the book.) And besides all you want to do is learn to fly the airplane-not read books.
16. DO NOT EMBARRASS HIM BY SHOWING UP ON TIME. He'll always be late and will like it better when you are late.
17. LET HIM KNOW YOUR AMBITIONS. Appear at lessons with hair uncombed, shoes scuffed, and buttons missing from your shirt. Wear a leather jacket with holes in the elbows, and look bored with the whole procedure. He will assume you are interested in becoming a flight instructor and give you special attention.
18. COOPERATE WITH HIM IF HE WANTS TO SPEND MOST OF THE TIME set aside for a lesson in the pilots lounge to discuss some material or maneuvers. This means he goofed and scheduled your lesson at a time when someone else was using the airplane.
19. LET HIM FEEL FREE TO CANCEL ANY LESSON FOR SUCH THINGS AS charter flights and demonstrating an airplane to a prospective customer. (He'll do it anyway)
20. IF HE CANCELS A LESSON BECAUSE OF WEATHER, THIS INDICATES he has gone looking for another job. However, if he cancels because of mechanical trouble with the airplane, this means the mechanic has gone off to find baling wire to keep the exhaust pipe from falling off.
21. ASSUME WIND CONDITIONS ALWAYS CAUSE HIM TO OFF HIS altitude and heading when he is flying the airplane. He can't maintain a constant heading or altitude either.
22. DEMONSTRATE YOUR APTITUDE. Fly with one wing low and skid in turns. Bounce on landings and let him save you from a ground loop. Instructors think students are knuckleheads.
23. DO NOT ASK HIM TO DEMONSTRATE EXACTLY HOW TO EXECUTE A maneuver. He can't do it correctly either.
24. IF HE LETS YOU PRACTICE A MANEUVER AS LONG AS YOU NEED TO really get the feel of it, this means he has gone to sleep--so wake him up. He introduces new maneuvers to you only to mystify you--not for you to learn them with any degree of proficiency.
25. NEVER LET HIM KNOW THAT YOU SIGHT THE AIRPORT BEFORE HE does when returning from the practice area.
26. BEWARE IF HE BEGINS COMPLIMENTING YOUR MANEUVERS. This means he is about to give up on you as a hopeless case and turn you over to one of the more stupid instructors (for they can handle you since they are your kind of folks).
27. DON'T QUESTION HIM AS TO WHEN YOU'LL BE READY TO SOLO OR get your license. He's looking for another student to take your place before he turns you loose.
28. SHOW THE PROPER MENTAL ATTITUDE. Convince him you are a lunatic. Instructors will solo students when convinced there is nothing else to be done, and there are bent on suicide anyway. Louse up enough landings and he'll leave the airplane to save his own skin. You can then teach yourself to fly.
29. DON'T TAKE UNNECESSARY RISKS. Fly solo whenever possible.
30. OBSERVE HIS VARYING MOODS CAREFULLY, NOT THAT HIS MOODS change from bad to good. They are always bad. And they go from bad to worse, to worser, to worsiest as the weeks go by. But take heart, when his mood gets to the worsiest stage that means you are about ready for the private pilot's license.
31. AND WHEN YOU BECOME AN EXPERIENCED PILOT WITH HUNDREDS OF hours of flight time, you'll look back on him through the eyes of reality to see him as he really is. No longer will the fears and biases of the student mind see him as pictured above. Then you'll understand that he was one of the best pilots, greatest teachers, most sympathetic, biggest hearted, and kindest persons you have ever known. You'll think that he was the greatest thing that ever happened since Orville and Wilbur (until you came along).
------------------
'Veni, Vidi, Velcro' - I came, I saw, I stuck around!
The flight student faces two major problems in learning to fly. One is the airplane--a piece of machinery that can be mastered with perseverance, practice, patience, cool headedness, curses, and an occasional swift kick. The other is the flight instructor--a problem that is not so easily surmounted.
The instructor is a special breed of pilot. He is easily recognizable by his great courage, extreme skill, unbelievable knowledge, low forehead, mean little eyes, and a hungry look. Because he already knows how to fly (fairly well), he already has the student at a complete disadvantage. He is unimpressed with any skills the student may have outside the field of aviation. Therefore, he is dedicated to showing the student how little he knows and, by his own example, how completely unsuitable the student is as pilot material.
Therefore, those who wish to make a success of flying are advised to follow a few common sense rules in dealing with the instructor.
1. CONSIDER THE WAY THE FLIGHT INSTRUCTORS RATE THEIR EFFECTIVENESS. The best instructor is the one that can stomp the floor the hardest, hit the instrument panel the most often, curse the loudest, clinch his fist the tightest, and look the maddest of any man in the country.
2. EARN HIS RESPECT. Best done by saying your father is president of an airline company looking for pilots at a fantastic salary.
3. REWARD HIS EFFORTS. Bribe him with bills of large denominations. He may show you a little about flying.
4. LET HIM KNOW YOUR PROBLEMS. Say you are constantly pursued by beautiful women to whom you would introduce him. Instructors are all girl crazy and you will get extra flight time while he thinks it over. It also keeps his mind off your mistakes.
5. SHOW ADMIRATION FOR HIM. Let him know you are impressed that he can fly even though he had no sleep the previous night and is suffering from an acute hangover. Instructors are egotistical and will mistake this for a compliment.
6. LET HIM KNOW WHO IS BOSS. This is done by keeping your mouth shut, as he already knows who the boss is.
7. NEVER DISOBEY INSTRUCTIONS. When the instructor tells you to go to H..., file a flight plan and take off (with him aboard).
8. BE CHARITABLE. Always buy coffee for your instructor-- he is always broke.
9. INTRODUCE HIM TO YOUR FRIENDS AS THE FAMOUS FLYING PROFESSOR. Later tell them in private what he really is and how he is hindering your flight training.
10. FLATTER HIM. Assume he is an airline pilot moonlighting as an instructor.
11. PRETEND YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND HIM AS HE SPOUTS OFF HIGH brow aeronautical terminology. He thinks that only the elite can understand.
12. SHOW APPRECIATION FOR CHARGING A SMALL RATE FOR LESSONS. He wouldn't be teaching if he could get any other aviation job.
13. MARVEL THAT HIS WIFE PERMITS HIM TO STAY AWAY FROM SO MUCH. Actually, she's out making a living for the family.
14. LET HIM THINK YOU ARE AFRAID OF AIRPLANES. He thinks that only experienced pilots have confidence in airplanes.
15. DO NOT READ THE MATERIAL HE ASSIGNS YOU. He is trying to further confuse you with what other instructors think. (Actually he wants to see that the way he has been teaching you is better than the way they say to do it in the book.) And besides all you want to do is learn to fly the airplane-not read books.
16. DO NOT EMBARRASS HIM BY SHOWING UP ON TIME. He'll always be late and will like it better when you are late.
17. LET HIM KNOW YOUR AMBITIONS. Appear at lessons with hair uncombed, shoes scuffed, and buttons missing from your shirt. Wear a leather jacket with holes in the elbows, and look bored with the whole procedure. He will assume you are interested in becoming a flight instructor and give you special attention.
18. COOPERATE WITH HIM IF HE WANTS TO SPEND MOST OF THE TIME set aside for a lesson in the pilots lounge to discuss some material or maneuvers. This means he goofed and scheduled your lesson at a time when someone else was using the airplane.
19. LET HIM FEEL FREE TO CANCEL ANY LESSON FOR SUCH THINGS AS charter flights and demonstrating an airplane to a prospective customer. (He'll do it anyway)
20. IF HE CANCELS A LESSON BECAUSE OF WEATHER, THIS INDICATES he has gone looking for another job. However, if he cancels because of mechanical trouble with the airplane, this means the mechanic has gone off to find baling wire to keep the exhaust pipe from falling off.
21. ASSUME WIND CONDITIONS ALWAYS CAUSE HIM TO OFF HIS altitude and heading when he is flying the airplane. He can't maintain a constant heading or altitude either.
22. DEMONSTRATE YOUR APTITUDE. Fly with one wing low and skid in turns. Bounce on landings and let him save you from a ground loop. Instructors think students are knuckleheads.
23. DO NOT ASK HIM TO DEMONSTRATE EXACTLY HOW TO EXECUTE A maneuver. He can't do it correctly either.
24. IF HE LETS YOU PRACTICE A MANEUVER AS LONG AS YOU NEED TO really get the feel of it, this means he has gone to sleep--so wake him up. He introduces new maneuvers to you only to mystify you--not for you to learn them with any degree of proficiency.
25. NEVER LET HIM KNOW THAT YOU SIGHT THE AIRPORT BEFORE HE does when returning from the practice area.
26. BEWARE IF HE BEGINS COMPLIMENTING YOUR MANEUVERS. This means he is about to give up on you as a hopeless case and turn you over to one of the more stupid instructors (for they can handle you since they are your kind of folks).
27. DON'T QUESTION HIM AS TO WHEN YOU'LL BE READY TO SOLO OR get your license. He's looking for another student to take your place before he turns you loose.
28. SHOW THE PROPER MENTAL ATTITUDE. Convince him you are a lunatic. Instructors will solo students when convinced there is nothing else to be done, and there are bent on suicide anyway. Louse up enough landings and he'll leave the airplane to save his own skin. You can then teach yourself to fly.
29. DON'T TAKE UNNECESSARY RISKS. Fly solo whenever possible.
30. OBSERVE HIS VARYING MOODS CAREFULLY, NOT THAT HIS MOODS change from bad to good. They are always bad. And they go from bad to worse, to worser, to worsiest as the weeks go by. But take heart, when his mood gets to the worsiest stage that means you are about ready for the private pilot's license.
31. AND WHEN YOU BECOME AN EXPERIENCED PILOT WITH HUNDREDS OF hours of flight time, you'll look back on him through the eyes of reality to see him as he really is. No longer will the fears and biases of the student mind see him as pictured above. Then you'll understand that he was one of the best pilots, greatest teachers, most sympathetic, biggest hearted, and kindest persons you have ever known. You'll think that he was the greatest thing that ever happened since Orville and Wilbur (until you came along).
------------------
'Veni, Vidi, Velcro' - I came, I saw, I stuck around!