Heard whilst flying at Perth 11 Feb 04.....

[Circuit Basher]

[Maybe this should be in Jet Blast, but as it was Private Flying, I'll start it off here :D]

[Aircraft G-XX joining from north of airfield, with one aircraft on circuits on 03 LH]
G-XX: Inbound from North, joining downwind for 21 RH
Perth Radio: Circuit in use is 03 LH with one in
G-XX: Will join downwind for 21
Perth Radio: Don't be so stupid - circuit is active on 03
G-XX: Joining downwind for 03 LH
.....

[Several aircraft in process of taxying out / power checks all appeared to sway in harmony as the crews wet themselves laughing!! :D]

Maybe it wasn't that funny and you had to be there!!

[LowNSlow]

That's the fun of activating the PTT before activating the brain :p

Never done anything like that myself of course.................

Wasn't it somewhere in the Jockanese skies that some poor guy caused chaos when his PTT stuck. Unfortunately his girlfriend had decided to impersonate Monica Lewinsky and everybody on Glasgow's frequency got to hear it :ooh: :ooh: :ooh:

[wbryce]

I believe that happened at Edinburgh not that long ago :D

[owenlars]

Ah well to enter into the spirit

At Exeter in November last year

"Plymouth G-XXXX Wycombe to Plymouth 20 miles West 2000 feet request overhead transit and flight information

G-XXXX Plymouth we have a machine down here that puts you 20 miles East

Plymouth G-XXXX quite right wish we had it up here

[Mike Cross]

Allegedly heard at Cowes Week many years ago. Admiral Sir Fotheringay-Smythe was calling the launch belonging to the Royal Yacht Squadron in his best Royal Naval voice.

"Squadron Launch, Yacht Bellower, over"
"Bellower, Squadron Launch, over"
"Squadron Launch, you were booked to take my party ashore at 19:00, it is now 19:10"
"I'm very sorry sir, we are extremely busy and will be with you as quickly as we can"
"Squadron Launch that is simply not good enough. This is Admiral Sir Fotheringay-Smythe and I do NOT expect to be kept waiting! Out!"




deathly silence for a few moments





then someone keyed their mic. In best Bluebottle voice.
"You dirty rotten swine! you kept the Admiral waiting!"


cue much hilarity and blowing of foghorns


Mike

[greatorex]

It's not true apparently and not aviation related but this one always makes me chuckle:

ACTUAL transcript of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. This radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on 10-10-95.
Americans: "Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision."

Canadians: "Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision."

Americans: "This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course."

Canadians: "No, I say again, you divert YOUR course."

Americans: "THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS ABRAHAM LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. THAT'S ONE-FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP."

Canadians: "This is a lighthouse. It's your call. . . . ."

G

[tonyhalsall]

Nothing to do with radio and in fact nothing to do with this forum - but the last post about our American cousins brought this one back.

Spring 1982, West Point Cadets visit Royal Military Academy Sandhurst. During tour of Old College American Cadet 6'6'' tall built like a brick **** house looks a young Sloane ranger would be cavalry officer up and down and asks -
'Say, how come you guys don't have any Marksmans badges and the like?'
Without drawing breath the young Cavalry Officer replied
'In Her majesty's Armed Forces it is considered you are a Marksman.'

God Bless you, 'Diggers' I'll remember that as long as I live

:cool:

[duir]

Was returning from Gamston last year on a very hazy day when I heard an Hilarious conversation on the radio


"Teeside Radar G**** ready for rejoin"
"G**** Join Left Base 23 QFE ***"
"Left Base 23 QFE *** G****"
"G**** Do you need navigational assistance?"
"Negative G****"
"Oh! Its just that you are about to land at RAF Leeming!!!"

SILENCE.......very steep turn then....

"G**** Left Base"

Would have been even more funny if it wasn't me flying the aircraft in question:O

[Timothy]

There is a hugely long thread (http://www.pprune.org/forums/showthread.php?threadid=59309) on ATC with hundreds of similar tales.

Timothy

[Evo]

At a grass field somewhere in Sussex:

Student PPL arrives from elsewhere, joins and calls final.

"G-CD Final"
"G-CD land at your discretion, surface wind is..."

pause

"G-CD, um... am I cleared to land?"
"flight information service only"
"Roger, G-** going around"

Bloggs goes around, and is soon on final again

"G-CD Final"
"G-CD land at your discretion, surface wind is..."

pause

"Um, am I cleared to land?"

FISO realizes what is about to happen next, takes pity on Bloggs and explains...

Still, I could tell a story about another student PPL joining a right-hand circuit for 03 at Shoreham when they were using a left-hand circuit. But surely I wouldn't do a thing like that :O

[Fuji Abound]

Evo - so it was you over the sea at Shoreham!

[Sir George Cayley]

I was circuit bashing at a controlled field in Florida. Up drawls a twin Cessna inbound obviously just becoming visual under a high over cast.

"Aaahhh Tower 37Q outa five for 2 point five with you in 5 whats your numbers?

"37Q its 20 right pattern alt imita 29 decimal zeeero and say your position"

"Aaahh roger tower we're aaahhh over a golf course"

" A Golf Course. In Florida. Roger that helps!"

Doh

Sir George Cayley

[jayemm]

It was your usual busy day for Farnborough on 24 Jan and as usual they were handling all the calls with their standard coolness and efficiency.

Then I heard a call "Where the hell are we?", then a call from either another aircraft or more likely from the other seat "I dunno, what does your chart say?". No comment from Farn, and calls carry on as usual.

A few minutes later "I think we must must be over here" , then "Weren't we there just a few minutes ago?".

Farn carries on unphased, but clearly other pilots could hear this because it was cutting across all calls.

A little later, above the rustling of charts "Where the F@!? are we?", then "I don't F&*@ing know, what should we do?".

Then another pilot calls Farnborough to ask if they can hear what we can all hear, which they affirm. What must have been a few seconds after, we hear "Do you think they can hear us?" and "Oh Sh@t have you got the radio on?" followed by furious rustling noises and then nothing further.

Intrigued to know if anyone else heard this exchange!:p

[Ex Oggie]

Heard a few years ago whilst monitoring the radio when a student (a nervous medical doctor) went off on his first solo. The PTT must have jammed as he acknowledged t/o clearance.

Thus followed 10 minutes of a very out of tune rendition of "Oh I do like to be beside the seaside" interrupted occasionally with various expletives and 'self criticisms'.

It took him a few moments to twig what had happened afterwards, I think it may have been a bit of a give-away when everyone on the airfield was whistling the same tune for the rest of the day!! Strange, didn't see much of him after that.

[Wee Jock]

Air display day at airfield in deepest Lincolnshire. Aircraft inbound, calls visual for a run and break.

Controller: Confirm you're visual with aerodrome XXX, because on radar you're pointing at YYY?

Pilot: 'Course I am, positioning for initials.

Controller tries several times to convince the now irritated pilot he's pointing at the wrong airfield. Unbeknownest to pilot, controller rings airfield YYY and gets clearance for the aircraft to overfly. Controller asks pilot to report at initials.

Pilot: Initials.

Controller: Confirm visual with the runway?

Pilot: 'Course I am, mutter mutter.

Controller: OK, read the numbers.

Pilot: Errr, 21.

Controller: We don't have a 21 at XXX, you're at YYY.

Silence.

Pilot: Errrr, can you vector me for XXX?

He found it eventually, and did a super display in his Spitfire.

[FlyingForFun]

A couple of years ago, at White Waltham, runway 25 was in use - which, if you don't know the airfield, starts fairly close to the clubhouse, and ends some way off in the Berkshire wilderness.

An aircraft arrived over the threshold a little high and fast. Eventually landed, some considerable way down the runway, and after an impressive demonstration of how good his brakes are, the pilot came to rest just before the end of the runway - with a nice long taxy back to the clubhouse. He turned left, and called: "G-XX, runway vacated... and could you please send the courtesy bus to collect us?"

FFF
--------------

[witchdoctor]

Duir old chap,

Leeming and Teesside?:eek:

Just what were you flying that a steep turn brought you from left base at Leeming to left base at Teesside? SR71? Mig 31? Space Shuttle?;)

We should spend some time in the air I reckon.:D

Still, nice club sandwich in the Mess at Leeming and the scenery is better too.:ok:

"Leeming Tower, Uniform 69 downwind to , err, land..............no, roll.......errr..............errr..........f**k!!!........."

"What was it on this circuit sir?"

Much hilarity and general ribbing followed in the crewroom on landing.

[duir]

Well Witchdoctor it was more like a very steep turn back towards the Cleveland Hills then Teeside! Actually I could just to say make out the Airfield in the distant haze and stupidly said to myself " aha thare is Teeside but the illusion only lasted for about 10 seconds and when I realised that either smokey joes had been erased in the last few hours or I was going towards Leeming. Wasn't quite near enough to annoy Leeming but simultaniously realised my error as the controller pinged me:O

Thought I had gotton away with it until one of the FIs in the Clubhouse said "trying to get Leeming in the logbook mate?"

Oh well I won't be making that particular mistake again in a hurry.

[FlyingForFun]

Why is it that we get so much enjoyment making fun of people who make the odd mistake? Especially when that mistake is over the r/t? Is it because we know that we'll get the same treatment when (not if!) we make a mistake ourselves?

Another White Waltham one. Background info: the airfield has three reporting points for joining traffic, known as November, Whisky and Sierra. I was in the circuit, when I heard a pilot (obviously a student pilot) make the following call:

"G-XX, erm, rejoining at, ah, erm, 2000', at, ooh, where are we? November, I think." Pause while the student releases the PTT button and checks with his instructor. "No, we're at Whisky".

I couldn't resist the temptation to have a small dig, so as I turned final, I called: "G-YY, we're definitely final runway 21."

Didn't realise that the instructor in the other aircraft was actually the CFI - but he seemed to be in a good mood that day, so I got away with it!

FFF
-------------

[G SXTY]

A long time ago, at an airfield not a million miles from LAM, a Seneca trundles up the hill towards a very boggy threshold and proceeds to get, well, bogged down:

A/C: “G-XX, we’re well stuck, can you send the cavalry out?”
A/G: “No cavalry here sir, but the cowboys are on their way”

[mad_jock]

Its just pilots FFF. We all do it.

I have tried to get round it by admitting my cockups and telling everyone as soon as I get back. "F*ck you wouldn't believe how stupid I have just been". Usually takes all the wind outa the piss takers, as soon as they see your not bothered by admitting your mistakes and discussing it with others. All the fun goes outa it for them.

Again at Perth I managed to call finals on a field which was about a mile away from the runway. When i got down to 500ft realised that some idiot of a farmer had managed to plough a runway sized strip up the middle of his tattie park. So instead of climbing away a bull****ting it. I just admitted that I cocked up and would try and find the field properly this time. Paying landings fee's a wee bit of piss taking. Getting back home told all the students what I had done and ended up doing a lecture on airfield identification plates etc. Next week one of the piss takers was up and tried to drop me in it. Unfortunatly all students already knew so it back fired really.

MJ

PS I have done this many a time infront of students and PPL's alike. After the intial shock of an Instructor admitting they cocked up it usually provided a better working enviroment with the student. Because they then wern't as bothered if they made a cockup (if the instructor can cockup and admit it so can I) and treated it as a learning point as it should be.

[DRJAD]

Interesting point MJ.

A couple of times instructors @made mistakes' when I was training: tried to get me to go the wrong way round the circuit, etc.. Each time I assumed that it was just another, perhaps more subtle than usual, test for me.

Whichever it was, when I really did get it all wrong, and tried to go the wrong way roudn the circuit (!) I realized very quickly what I was doing, and rapidly (to use litotes) exited to the south and rejoined with the brain updated!

So - useful lesson.

[Floppy Link]

also heard at Perth, but in the queue in the caff not on the RT, visiting pilot describing his arrival for last years Open Day...

"....I came in over Bridge of Earn in driving rain..."

tempted to ask... at 150 knots or so what other type of rain is there?

[G SXTY]

Meanwhile, back at LAM:

“G-ABCD, PA-28, somewhere to Southend, blah blah blah, routing through your overhead at 2400’, blah blah blah.”

PA-28 chugs past, to be followed 1 minute later by:

“G-WXYZ, Citation jet, somewhere to Southend, VFR through your overhead at 2400’, blah blah blah”

A/G: “G-ABCD, don’t know if you copied that, but there’s a Citation behind you same altitude, and he’s right up yer chuff.”

I couldn’t find that phrase in CAP413, but I think it conveyed the urgency of the situation. :)

[fernytickles]

In Florida, some years ago. An aircraft, rented from Pelican Airways, flkown by a pilot who was obviously a wee bit lost over alligator infested Everglades, called for assistance, was told to give aircraft reg, type, colour etc, etc.
Described himself as flying a "Pelican 152"...... :p

[S-Works]

But what a great bunch Roy and the crew at Pelican are!