JOKES PLEASE (for our Young Flyers - steady now!)

[ajduf]

Young Flyers (http://www.youngflyers.org.uk)

We are almost ready to go to print with the latest edition of the Young Flyers Club newsletter, 'Over & Out'. We are looking for some SUITABLE jokes for children - aviation related. Anybody who can send us some good ones can have a discounted ticket to next year's Wings & Strings!
Thanks
Allison:ok:

[BEagle]

No contest.....

C130J

:E

[ZH875]

Sorry BEagle, but Typhoon is a lot funnier than the J.

[orionsbelt]

Sorry about this !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went un-noticed last week.

Larry La Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Cokey," died
peacefully at the of age 93.

The most traumatic episode for his family involved loading him into the coffin.

They put his left leg in - then the trouble started.:{

[El Mirador]

Respect Orion....Respect!!!!!!
Laughed for ages...You are the Mac.....

[Yeller_Gait]

Nimrod 2000 ..... sorry, MRA4, is pretty funny

[Always_broken_in_wilts]

A400M................still a picture:ok: and, if current rumours are true potentially a bigger flop than our lovely "J"

all spelling mistakes are "df" alcohol induced

[Polly Gnome]

This is not aviation related, but it is funny and clean. It has appeared elsewhere on pprune, but I cannot find it!

A farmer went into his fields one cold and frosty morning and found all his cows frozen solid. He tapped and prodded each one but they were like lumps of ice.

He rushed in to his wife and asked her to help. 'I will have to call the vet,' he said, 'it will cost me a fortune in fees.'

His wife went out with him to look at the frozen cows. As they watched a little old lady walked across the field and patted and stroked each cow. As she did so, the cow moved and started to graze.

'Crikey', said the farmer, 'did you see that, she's cured them!'

'Of course', said his wife, 'you know who that it, it's




Thora Hird :)

[BEagle]

AbiW - doesn't suprise me that total myth is still being spouted about the A400M. After all, the DPA website hasn't been updated since May 2003, so is it any wonder that people are in the dark. However, you may wish to know that the first contractual milestone has alrady been reached well ahead of time......

Another joke? Begins with "TypHooon will enter RAF service in......" and ends in "........err, shortly. Probably. Perhaps."

[Grimweasel]

Two elephants fell off a cliff...........





BOOM BOOM!

[MiniEng]

Comedian tried to check in for a flight out of LHR but got arrested for acting funny!

[Divergent Phugoid!]

Two goldfish in a tank... One says to the other,

How the hell do we drive this then!!

[teeteringhead]

Young lad at airshow with Mum; he is v impressed by display flying.

YL: Mummy, when I grow up I want to be a pilot.
M: Make up yer mind son, you can'y do both!

[I_stood_in_the_door]

what do u call a donkey with 3 legs?






WONKEY!

[Incipient Sinner]

There were 2 parrots sitting on a perch, one says toy the other...

Can you smell fish ;)

[Divergent Phugoid!]

Two snowmen sitting reading the papers, one says to the other...

"Can you smell carrots??"

[Evanelpus]

What do you call a monkey holding two sticks of dynamite??

A baBOOM.


I thank you................

[RCOV 2 ENG]

:eek:

French police have just announced that the pop star Sophie Ellis - Bextor has been found dead in a french football star's mansion!!!!!

They found the cause of death to be: :D :p

MURDER ON ZIDANE'S FLOOR!!!!!!!:ok:


minzastella!

[MASI]

A set of jumper leads and a bra walk in to a bar,
the bra goes to the corner and the jumper-leads go to the bar and asks for 2 drinks..

the bar tender says" no im not selling u two drinks!"

the jumper leads say "why"

and the bar tender says " well u look like ur about to start something and ur mates of her tits!"

[Divergent Phugoid!]

????????????????????????? Must be the Aussie humour!!

Back to being childish!!

Two peanuts walking down the road, one was assaulted

:yuk: :yuk: :yuk:

[FEBA]

Two punk girls walking down the road thumbing a lift when a police car goes speeding past, lights flashing nee naw nee naw etc etc.
One punk girl turns to the other and asks" Have you ever been picked up by the Fuzz before?"
The other punk thinks for a moment "No, but I've been swung by the tits a few times"
Tada
:E

[Gainesy]

Two ducks flying over Belfast.
One says:"Quack, Quack".
T'other replies "I can't go any feckin quacker."




:rolleyes:

[country calls]

Two roads sat in a bar, the door opens and one road says to the other "Now we are in trouble" other road says "why?" " Well the local Cyclepath has just walked in"

I Thank You!

[MikeTells]

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot

What's brown and sticky?

A stick



Er, that's it

[FEBA]

What do you call a Deer with no eyes?
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I've no idea!

What do you get if you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
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A flat Miner!:D

[SirPeterHardingsLovechild]

What do you call a man with four bits of wood on his head?






I don't know









But Edward Woodward would

[Ralf Wiggum]

What's got 5 legs and lives on a farm?


Paul, Heather & Bea McCartney!


Paul McCartney is buying Heather a plane for christmas. He told her that she'd have to use a razor on her other leg like all the other girls.

[FEBA]

After his daughter asked for a cowboy outfit for her birthday, the Sultan of Brunei is in negotiations to buy the RAF.

[Training Risky]

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?







Still no idea:D :D :D

[FEBA]

The singing fish duo...........................wait for it..........

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Pike and Tina Tuna

:zzz:

[pulse1]

What do you call a man in a raincoat?


Mac.


What do you call a man in two raincoats?


Max.


What do you call a man in two raincoats standing in a cemetry?









Max Bygraves.:D

[FFP]

A clean Joke . Aviation Related. For Kids . Christmas theme even !

Santa is doing his last minute preparations for the big night. Just as he's tightening the last of the restraining straps for the presents, he gets a tap on the shoulder from a man in a suit. He turns around, somewhat stunned, and asks

"Can I help you ?"

" Yes Mr Claus, I`m Mr Smith from the CAA. I've come to inspect both your sleigh and licences. You know, just to confirm MPNS, RVSM compliance etc"

Santa lets out a huge laugh. He can't beleive it !! Him !! Santa !! Being checked !! It's ludacris !!!

" But I`m Father Christmas !! I've done this for years and years. This has never happened before !!"

The CAA man shows no sympathy . After arguments about the sleigh and equipment and licences they come to a compromise .

" We'll go and do a check ride and if all's well after that then you can go"

So Santa gets the reindeers ready, all set to go. The CAA man gets in, with a couple of Elfs.

Just as Santa starts his take off run, the CAA man pulls out a shotgun from under his coat.

" OI " shouts one of the elfs " You can't bring that on here !!"

" Shhh ! " says the CAA man

" I'm going to give him an engine failure after take off !!!"

(FFP is available for birthdays, christenings, weddings and all special occassions.)

Thank you. I'm here all week. . . . . ;)

[Divergent Phugoid!]

Whats the difference between a Fireman and a Soldier??



Have you tried to dip a Fireman into an egg!!



:{ :{

[Wee Jock]

What do you call a man with a seagull on his head? - Cliff.

What do you call a man with a rabbit up his bum? - Warren.

What do you call a man with a car on his head? - Jack.

What do you call a man with a paper bag on his head? - Russell.

What do you cal a man with a hotel on his head? - Norman Tebbit.

:ok: :) ;)

[Bob Upndown]

Two cows grazing in a field, one turns to the other and says 'so, what do you reckon about this mad cow disease then?'

'Who cares' says the other cow, 'I'm a helicopter'.


Paul McCartney's bought his wife a plane for her birthday.

She'll still use Immac for the other leg though............


And one for after the watershed:

What's a pizza delivery boy and a gynaecologist got in common?

They can both smell it, but they can't eat it!
:E :E :E

[SOMAT]

Wee Jock,

Call that a joke!??

Clearly, in matters of good taste you have few equals; I suspect that Mr Tebbit, his invalid wife, and others would agree.:sad:

[Prijon]

If you can't take the RAF you shouldn't have joined a joke.....

[Oggin Aviator]

2 Eggs in a frying pan. Sausage gets added to frying pan.

"Blimey its hot in here" says sausage.

"Wow, look at that" says first egg ...... "a talking sausage!"

[Pass-A-Frozo]

What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs getting screwed by a buck. (or whatever a male deer is!)

Still no F*cking idea

[Experienced Bloke]

2 Business men are sitting on an airliner bound for New York when 1 turns to the other and says

"I hear that the number of airmisses in on the increase"

The second one turns back and says

"How do you know that?"

"Oh, I read it in the paper" says the first man

"I didn't know they had papers on this flight" says his companion.

"Oh, they don't" replies the first man again, looking out of the window, "but they do on that flight over there"

[steamchicken]

A chicken walks into a bar...


and says to the barman...


"Oh bollox..I'm in the wrong joke again!"

[DubTrub]

A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road when the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate. A few days later, the local sheriff came out looking for the missing politicos, saw the crashed bus, and asked the farmer where all the politicians had gone. The farmer said, "I buried 'em all... out back." The sheriff then asked, "Were they ALL dead?" The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."

[SALAD DODGER]

What do you call a bus load of dead politicians?
..A good start

.....................................

Stewardess: I'm sorry Mr. Smith, but we left your wife behind in London.
Mr. Smith: Thank goodness! I thought I was going deaf!

[Divergent Phugoid!]

Three guys kick the bucket on Christmas Eve and ascend to heaven, where they are met by St Peter.

"In honour of the season," St Peter says to them, "before I let you pass through the Pearly Gates, you must each give me something that represents Christmas."

The first man fumbles through his pockets and pulls out two lighters. He holds them up proudly and flicks them on.

"What do they represent?" St. Peter asks him.

"They're candles!" replies the first man.

"Ah! You may pass through the Pearly Gates!"

The second man fumbles through his pockets and pulls out a couple of sets of keys. He holds them up proudly and shakes them. "What do they represent?" St. Peter asks.

"They're bells!" replies the man.

"Ah - well done, you too may pass through!"

The third man fumbles desperately through his pockets, finally pulling out a skimpy pair of silky women's knickers. He holds them up proudly.

"What do these represent?" St. Peter asks, looking a bit puzzled.

"They're Carol's!"

[Biggles Flies Undone]

Police arrested two men for behaving suspiciously in a public place - one was eating gunpowder and the other was drinking battery acid.

They charged one and let the other off.


I'll GMC.....

[RCOV 2 ENG]

A wig and a poo walk into a bar and ask the barman for a drink....

the barman replies:

nah sorry guys! you're off your head and he's steaming!!

Boom Boom!!:D

[Divergent Phugoid!]

And there was me thinking my so called jokes were of the lowest level!!

Looks like I have got competition!!

:D :D

[pulse1]

Dracula is roaming the dark back streets of the city, looking for a tasty female to provide his supper. Suddenly, something hits him on the back of the head. He looks down an sees a sausage roll lying on the ground.

He steps back and slips backwards. He has slipped on a quiche and falls backwards onto a pile of vol au vents which cushion his fall.

Then, he feels a sharp pain in his chest. He looks down and, sticking out from his chest, straight into his heart is a cocktail stick, complete with pineapple chunk and piece of cheese.

As his strength and life ebbs away he sees a woman standing before him. “Who are you?” he croaks.


“I’m Buffet the vampire slayer” she says.
:sad:

[PH-UKU]

Wot's brown and sits on a wall ?





















Humpty Mince

[EJ Thribb]

What is the difference between women and toast?


















You can make soldiers out of toast!

[Specnut727]

What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other ? Eilene

What do you call a Japanese woman with one leg shorter than the other ? Irene

What do you call a woman with both leg the same length ? Nolene

What do you call a man lying on your door step ? Matt

What do you call a man floating in the ocean ? Bob

What do you call a man with no arms or legs, who swam the English Channel ? Clever Dick

[LunchMonitor]

Waddya call a boomerang that won't come back?
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A Stick!!

[Orson]

Major Charles Ingram, Quiz show cheat, was found dead today, verdict suicide.

Carlton Television, whilst sympathetic about the costs of the funeral, feel that it would be inappropriate to contribute to the coffin.


Laydeez 'n gennlemen.....;)

[LunchMonitor]

2 nuns in a bath one says,"Where's the soap?"

"yes," says the other, smiling, " it does doesnt it."

[Sloppy Link]

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

It was dead

Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?

It was selotaped to the first one.

Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?

It thought it was a game!!!!!:O

What do you call a man with no arms, no legs, stuck to a wall?

Sticky back spastic!!!:O :D

[no reds]

Man goes to see his doctor - "Doc I think I`m a moth " he says
Says the doc "you need a psychiatrist - why did you come to see me?"



"Your light was on!"

[Dr Schlong]

A white horse walks into a pub and goes up to the bar, the barman says, "There's a pub down the road named after you,"
"What - Colin!?" replies the horse.


:D

I'm here all week!

[yakker]

A stranger was seated next to Little Tommy on the plane
when the stranger turned to the boy and said, "Let's talk. I've
heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation
with your fellow passenger."

Little Tommy, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

OK," said Little Tommy. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."

"Well, then," said Little Tommy, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know ****?"

[FEBA]

Man goes to see his doctor

Dr: What seems to be the trouble?
Man: I can't stop singing the green green grass of home
Dr: Hmmm; you've got Tom Jones syndrome
Man: Is that common?
Dr: It's not unusual

I'm off
FEBA

[BEagle]

1. An Eskimo decides to visit Wales (God knows why - certainly not to watch their rugby!). He's driving happily along through Llanfachnwswr when his car shudders and grinds to a halt. Fortunately for him, along comes Jones the Motor. After a while he looks at the Eskimo and exclaims: "You've blown a seal"

"So f*cking what", replies the Eskimo, "You've probably $hagged sheep........!"



2. Police searching Michael Jackson's mansion announced that they'd found Class A drugs in the living room, Class B in the hallway..............and the whole of Class 5C in the bedroom!

[SirPeterHardingsLovechild]

'Doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum'


'Hmm...I might have some cream for that'

[Sandyb]

Why did the bakers hands smell of $hit?












Cos he kneaded a poo!!!!

[aytoo]

Heard that Paul McCartney bought his wife a new wooden leg for christmas. Not her main present, you understand, more of a stocking filler...

Q. Why does Edward Woodward have four 'D's in his name?

A. Without them he would be Eewaa Woowaa! (Try it out loud - it works, trust me!).

When I die, I hope it is peacefully, in my sleep, just like my old grandad. Not screaming in abject terror like his passengers.

[curmudgeon]

'Doctor, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my bum.'

'How's that?'

'Don't you start !!!'

[SirPeterHardingsLovechild]

'Doctor, I've got a lettuce stuck up my bum!'


'Mmm, I might have some dressing for that'

or

'Bend over....Aha, this is just the tip of the iceberg!'