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You Know You Are In Africa When.....

African Aviation Regional issues that affect the numerous pilots who work in this area of the world.

You Know You Are In Africa When.....

Old 28th Jun 2008, 20:49
  #61 (permalink)  
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Kinshasa DRC
Posts: 145
Eat Anything, Anywhere, Anytime - You Can Always Make A Plan......

African cuisine requires a matured palate and even at times cast iron constitution so as no to embarrase yourself when presented with favourites by your would-be hosts such as Juicy Large White Live Suculent Worms - Let's see Gordon Ramsey do that without a F..k Me!

One such experience revolved around a tube of locally produced luncheon meat, the reveared African Coke bottle and an early morning flight into rebel territory......

Having loaded the interior of the Aztec full of plastic containers containing Avgas for the 10 hour round-trip - Uncle Sam (Not his real Name) set off to rescue a group of mine workers under seige in rebel territory - luncheon meat and Coke at his side.

His only sollace this fine morning as he flew eastwards, low level above the tree tops was the portable ICOM HF radio connecting him with the home base and the constant chatter of the company operations personel.

After a couple of hours of this he decided breakfast was in order and proceeded to attack the meat by his side with his Leatherman like a wild animal - grasping red chunks between his thumb and the sharpened blade - ah fine dining African style he scoffed as he swilled a mouthful of Coke down his gullet to mute the strong aftertaste of the unknown meaty surprise.

Within 30 minutes he was wishing the butcher and the dog catcher who supplied him a quick and untimely death as he wrenched in pain trying to hold back the tide just like placing ones finger in a dyke while the plane ebbed and bounded with every flinch he made.

His desperate call to operations for help was quickly answered fearing mortal danger was immenent and death would surely result within minutes. After a brief but painful explanation, Sam who was by now reduced to tears as the green carpet stretched out in front of him and salvation slipped beyond his grasp, while the operations personel were reduced to a couple of hysterical laughing hyenas as he detailed the situation and considered shitting there and then in his pants.

Then he heard the words of God above him - or so he thought at first - "Use the Coke Bottle" - his boss had been summoned and was taking matters into his own hands. Now Sam was a good pilot and held a degree in enginering but for the life of him could not envision how "That would work", frustrated by now he was ready to blow!

Next came instructions from the speaker above detailing in James Bond style how to scalpt a brown bomb using a leatherman and un upturned Coke bottle - which when finished and placed between the two front seats transformed the Aztec into the most holy place Sam would ever know! The experience was in fact religious and akin to the parting of the Red Sea or the deliverence of the Ten Commendment's to Moses.

When finished the words of God continued - "now open your storm-window and point outwards" - the stench will be worse than a taste he was assured - now "drop vertically" and breath a sigh of relief. Sam followed carefully and precisely all that he was instructed to perform and calm was restored once more to the African Skies!

So the moral to the story - in Africa you can always make a plan - I have heard on occasions aircraft making in-flight diversions or emergency landings on roads for toilet emergencies in light aircraft. Coke bottles although versitile are not unique - plastic shopping bags and UNHCR tarps are perfectly acceptable equivilents. You just have to think Outside of the Box!
Mobotu is offline  
Old 28th Jun 2008, 21:58
  #62 (permalink)  
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: Nearest Bombardier AMO
Posts: 417
A pax dropped a coil in the aisle of a WFP 200 once, inbound Luanda. Not much thinking outside of the box there
Doodlebug is offline  
Old 29th Jun 2008, 03:52
  #63 (permalink)  
Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: everywhere
Posts: 503
A pax dropped a coil in the aisle of a WFP 200 once, inbound Luanda. Not much thinking outside of the box there
I tend to disagree doodlebug.. If you look at the the thought and action process it was totally outside the 'thunderbox'.
'must $hit.....where? there is no roadside in here....
What about the aisle? It looks good...OK'

You know your in africa when you're getting screwed around by ATC, You get extremely annoyed.. 'You çun+' you say
and the reply is 'I can'
flyhardmo is offline  
Old 29th Jun 2008, 05:56
  #64 (permalink)  
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Planet Tharg
Posts: 2,472
...Or the captain, struck by a sudden attack of the Angolan Arse Clenchers makes use of the coolbox without removing the passengers' lunch first. Be very afraid - Captain R. "Coolbox" C****** is still out there somewhere and has no problem crapping on your sandwiches....
Solid Rust Twotter is offline  
Old 29th Jun 2008, 19:31
  #65 (permalink)  
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: G P
Posts: 14
your in africa when a passenger pulls out his memeber and has a piss on the tyre of the pax bus, and this was at CAPE TOWN INT today, still cant believe it
lostINgp is offline  
Old 30th Jun 2008, 06:55
  #66 (permalink)  
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Canada / Switzerland
Posts: 517
You know you are in Africa when no government department will accept the currency of their own country for payment of fees, licences, etc...
V1... Ooops is offline  
Old 30th Jun 2008, 07:36
  #67 (permalink)  
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: In Transit
Age: 73
Posts: 49
You know you are in Africa when on Monday you fly in 250 "boy soldiers" into a war zone and then on Thursday return to pick up 200+ in body bags and nobody is waiting back at base to receive them. No other continent places such low value on life.
Habari is offline  
Old 30th Jun 2008, 07:44
  #68 (permalink)  
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Bing Bong
Age: 43
Posts: 24

Pilot: May I take runway 14 if available.
ATC: Your cleared right base 14,

Pilot:There is traffic on the runway, will it be clearing soon?
ATC: Cleared to land 14

Pilot: Were turning final runway 14 and there is an airplane sitting sideways on the runway.
ATC: I told you were cleared to land 14!

Pilot: DAR TOWER! There is an airplane broke down on the runway and were 2 miles FINAL!

ATC: Continue Circling there is a VIP about to taxi.

Pilot:TABANAK! You are a terrible controller.

In a voice over the radio, "PEW PEW PEW!" And Monkey "OOO OHH HA HA HAH!"
DashRiprock is offline  
Old 30th Jun 2008, 13:46
  #69 (permalink)  
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Southeast U K
Posts: 291

250 out on Monday? 200 back in bodybags on Thursday?
That is just TOO sad to think about.

And no-one gives a monkeys toss?
Storminnorm is offline  
Old 30th Jun 2008, 13:53
  #70 (permalink)  
Join Date: Mar 2001
Location: on root
Posts: 129
You know you're in Africa when....

you don't get paid
JG1 is offline  
Old 30th Jun 2008, 14:05
  #71 (permalink)  
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Short of the threshold ...........
Posts: 25
ROTFLMAO - rolling on the floor laughing my ass off

How true, funny to read about it afterwards though
Spaced Out is offline  
Old 30th Jun 2008, 15:04
  #72 (permalink)  
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Geneva
Age: 53
Posts: 23
Habari, maybe they should send guns with the "soldiers". Might help the odds of coming home in a seat instead of a bag.
PitchandFan is offline  
Old 30th Jun 2008, 20:04
  #73 (permalink)  
Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: South Africa; Cape Town
Posts: 25
Last week SAX in Lubumbashi was having probs understanding there taxi instructions for parking. This really upset the tower. They where then instructed to "hold position and expedite". Not to sure what they did but the French fellow next to me just exploded. Gave me something to smile about.

Great thread. Keep it up.
Majutes is offline  
Old 30th Jun 2008, 22:59
  #74 (permalink)  
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Cockpit
Age: 55
Posts: 26

You are in Efrica when you can buy the ATP exam paper and answers and blame the colonialists for the fact that they made it so difficult that you have to do it?

HansFlyer is offline  
Old 30th Jun 2008, 23:08
  #75 (permalink)  
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: edge of reality
Posts: 791
Talking of Lubumbashi...
Inbound from Kisenge in a B200... ie: from the west: logically (wind considerations etc) would try to land 07.. "

TWR: You must land Runway 25

us: errr... any chance of 07... what's the wind ?

TWR: No wind ... land runway 25

us: OK landing runway 25

TWR ... Can you land short ?

( if I remember Lub has about 7000ft )

us: errr.. yes but why...

TWR: you must land short.

On arrival for the downwind we see a DC8 and its various detached pieces scattered liberally along the runway.
MungoP is offline  
Old 1st Jul 2008, 00:16
  #76 (permalink)  
Join Date: Aug 2000
Location: London. UK
Posts: 132

Guys, you have to stop. The tears of laughter mean I simply cannot read anymore. Please, someone put this in a book.

Bucket is offline  
Old 1st Jul 2008, 04:27
  #77 (permalink)  
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: tpe
Posts: 10

had zim atp,funny i have never been to zim !!
hbloom is offline  
Old 1st Jul 2008, 10:02
  #78 (permalink)  
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: 3rd ROCK FROM THE SUN
Posts: 320
i've flown a SA MINISTER on a charter in a King Air once... the BE20 didnt have a toilet, so when she couldnt hold her pee in any longer (after being told to go before take off) she proceeded to do her business IN THE BAR BOX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!... Brings new meaning to "getting pissed on booze"
GULF69 is offline  
Old 1st Jul 2008, 14:38
  #79 (permalink)  
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 2,056
I've been reading this thread, and tears have been flowing the entire time

Funny thing is, I wanted to start just such a thread. Thanks Mobotu.

Mods, any chance we can have it pinned to the top of the forum, sort of like the ATC humour thread?
Check Airman is offline  
Old 1st Jul 2008, 15:17
  #80 (permalink)  
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Charanga y pandereta
Posts: 61
...when the "controller" clears you to taxi into the runway and when you are in the theshold he clears a big Antonov to land in the opposite runway (Goma).

...when you are instructed to report five miles out, then on final, then on short final (despite the fact that you are the only airplane flying at that time) and finally on the ground, although he can see you on the runway (also in Goma).
mlindb is offline  

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