Possibly even more significant than the US Navy not being able to carry the newest (and more advanced) version of AIM-9, is the fact referred to later in the article that:
Another task for the F-35 team is adding a moving target capability, as reported by Aviation Week on Feb. 15. There are currently no plans to install weapons capable of hitting moving and maneuvering targets, such as an insurgent driving away in a pickup truck. These types of weapons were designed for the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan and can hit targets traveling at speeds of up to at 70 mph. They are now making their mark in the air campaign against the Islamic State group. Because the F-35’s laser designator cannot lead the target, its basic inventory of late-1990s guided bombs will fall short if that target moves briskly.
You couldn't write this stuff for a satire programme.