Flying in to Crosland Moor (known in all seriousness as Huddersfield International...) to have lunch at the Sand's Edge pub about 15 minutes walk away. Now Crosland is one of the highest airfields in the UK, around 820' asl if I remember correctly so I thought I would ask for a QNH to sound a bit pro and asked for airfield info including QNH. Reply:
'As tha blind lad, use thi ...in eyes.'
Nice to be back in Yorkshire!
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Again another Yorky airfield, Fadmoor on the NY Moors just north of Kirkbymoorside near a place called Gillamoor where there is a great pub called the Royal Oak. Didn't expect any reply so called 'Fadmoor traffic, G-** blah di blah' expecting silence. Reply a laconic voice 'Ave just teken off, watch thisen thers some chickens on't runway.'
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Landing at Elstree for the first time, runway with more potholes and rough bits than a third world country. Walked up to tower to pay my fee, very nice man says 'Is this your first visit?'
'Yes, your runway could do with a bit of work.'
'Ah, we've just spent a squillion pounds having it resurfaced, that's the first complaint we've had.'
'Have you a larger spade?'
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Landing at Great Massingham, an old deserted WWII airfield just north of Marham. Great pub in the village called the Dabbling Duck. Climbed out of a/c and noticed a dog underneath the wing.... Red faced owner running towards me, 'Sorry mate, he likes to piss on aircraft'.
RAF days:
Mate on arrival at Decci and gazing at the scenery 'It's as flat as a pancake round here apart from the mountains.'
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Escort for court martial for SAC squadron chum at which I knew nothing of the case. 'You are accused of saying to Flt Lt Bloggs (a lady officer by the way)
'You need ....ing with the rough end of a pineapple.'
Cue collapse of stout party and SWO whispering in his best sotto 'Stop bloody sniggering or I'll have you for toast.'
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Doing a freedom of Sodding Chipbury or some such place in a cricket pavilion because it was raining. Lots of local dignitaries etc. Came fix bayonets and my scabbard came away with the bayonet, however not to break the timing I carried on and was left with a non gleaming scabbard at the end of my SLR with bit of white frogging attached.
I could see a 'lady of worth' smiling at me and felt like a complete expletive. Everyone pretended to ignore my pain and later on at the bun fight said smiling woman came up to me and said 'You haven't had a good day have you?' I aplogised for the gaff and said that these things happen unfortunately.
'Oh it wasn't the bayonet, it was the fact that your flies were undone for the whole parade.'
Now how did she notice that?