Right then.
None of the following ever happened.
Nor should it.
These are all figments of my overactive imagination.
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After a few days in the sun in some distant, beer soaked sunny place you are tasked to return home, empty, with a nightstop in a godforsaken, snowswept, screechingly tragic place. Half an hour after departure a series of dramatic incidents results in you landing, on 3 engines, back at the sunny place. Crew Duty is tight. Could this be another nightstop? The GE is confident he can fix the snag in double time and get you on your way that day.
Do you:
a) Encourage him to work as fast as possible to get you on your way
b) Volunteer crew members and yourself to assist with the removing of panels and various other engineering tasks to help him out.
c) Recheck all your planning figures and refile flight plans so that as soon as he's done you are ready to go
or
d) Loaf about in the air conditioned crew room watching the GE working like a mentalist in the blazing heat. Congratulate him (through clenched teeth) on completing the task and trudge slowly out to the aircraft in the hope that crew duty will expire. Leap with joy when the ever resourceful loadmaster then announces that the inflight catering has not been kept at the appropriate temperature for the last hour or so and that, in accordance with the clearly published regulations, he must re-cater before flying again. This will take ages. Suggest a 24 hr delay to help him. He and everyone else agrees that that is probably a good idea. Repair to hotel bar.
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Whilst on a very brief detachment to an American/NATO airbase you and your crew (and everybody else for that fact) experience a rather major earthquake.
Do you:
a) Join the large burly marine types walking up and down the road sobbing about, er, the ground moving somewhat.
b) Find a vehicle with a flashing light on and charge about up and down the road for no apparent reason with all the other vehicles with flashing lights?
c) Rush about seeing what help you can offer to all the people who haven’t been injured.
or
d) Realise, that with all the power off i) all the beer is going to go cold and ii) all the frozen inflight rations are going to defrost and that the immediate solution is to vacate the now fractured building for a large barbeque and booze up. Invite passing sobbing marines to join you however they turn down the offer assuming that you must either all be in shock or be British or something.
When the Class Six later opens for “emergency supplies” proceed there directly; note the yanks purchasing duct tape, candles, torches, matches, signal flares and survival blankets. Note that your trolley appears to be stacked only with beer…. Turn down the subsequent offer of Post Traumatic Earthquake Counselling Sessions.
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Whilst sweeping a pair of F3 aluminium pursuit ships across the states you are diverted into a quiet Colorado town as both jets have gone u/s there. Upon arrival it transpires that the spare part required to fix the sickest jet is in the back of your aircraft fitted to a spare engine. The engineers get to work:
Do you:
a) Watch as the part is removed from the engine, fitted to the sick jet and you then saddle up and get on your way with the minimum delay.
b) Watch as the part is removed from the engine and fitted to the sick jet. There is then a period of testing and paperwork required so a brief nightstop is required.
c) Watch as the part is removed from the engine and fitted to the sick jet. There is then a period of testing and paperwork required so a brief nightstop is required. A few minor technical snags delay the departure the next day but you all eventually get on your way just within crew duty.
d) Watch as the JENGO is told that he can’t remove the required bit from the serviceable engine because that will mean that engine will then be unserviceable and that will ruin all the stats back in the UK. Watch as UK says the part will be AOG’d out and you’ll be away within the next 24. Note that it’s Thursday. Part arrives in Los Angeles late on the Friday. It’s a military part so has to be Customs checked. No customs over the weekend. Spend the weekend staggering about Colorado. Part is eventually customs cleared late on Monday. Handlers say that it’s on it’s way to you.
Tuesday, nothing appears. Series of phonecalls reveals that the part is going by road. Expect it the next day. Nothing appears the next day. More phonecalls. Transpires that part has gone by road……to Nellis. Note that you are not in Nellis. Next day (1 week later now) UK agrees part can be robbed from engine that has been sat in the back of your aircraft, 20 metres from the unserviceable jet for the last 7 days. With the end in sight and the jets now serviceable, you almost die laughing when the movers phone to tell you that they’ve punctured the aircraft skin with the forklift whilst reloading your aircraft………
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I’m sure there’s more out there waiting to be made up………………
