***Leaked Press Statement - Monday 15th December***
I am pleased to announce that after a substantial return to profit due to my fabulous transformational program I have taken the decision to award ALL the group CEO's which now just include myself and JH a massive Christmas Bonus. Some may question if this is the best time to use money in this way but you must remember that I should be rewarded for my expert steerage of the Company through such troubling times.
Accordingly I have decided to award myself a 'transformational business plan worked a treat and all round top guy' bonus of $37,000,000. Unfortunately this bonus (which I am sure you will all agree I am more than deserving of) will mean that staff bonuses and EBA negotiations will have to be delayed as it is important that we stay the course and don't risk the recovery with reckless spending.
With this in mind I am going to take the action of implementing another pay freeze of 18 months to allow me time to figure out how to hide all of the money we are now going to make... Have you seen the price of fuel? I thank the staff for all their efforts and am sure you all would like to thank me too.
AJ