If it looks and sounds like a big bag of !!!!! then it's probably an Antonov or an Illuyshin,
If it's REALLY noisy it's Concorde,
If it skims the hedge/peri fence it's an ATP,
If it smokes like hell and makes alot of racket its a 737-200,
3 engines and looks like the middle one on the tail was an afterthough it's a DC-10,
3 engines and looks gorgeous its a Tristar,
If the engine cowls look like they've suffered a wheels up landing its a 737-300/400/500
Bent wing tips and 2 engines that don't look man enough for the job it's an A330,
Bent wing tips and 4 engines that don't look man enough for the job and some silly spare wheels under the fuselage its an A340,
High tail, high wing and 4 hair dryers under the wings, it's a Bae146/RJ,
..........what you really want is a dirty, noisy, grey coloured thing with 2 engines that spit dirty great sheets of flame on demand, wings that move backwards and forwards, and 2 seats that if all goes pear shaped will catapult you out into the 600knot breeze before your sphincter has even thought about twitching, and the best bit......you can blow !!!!! up with it too!!! Check these out at an airbase near you today!!!!
(OOP'S - how many pilots have I just offended?!!)