This post needs to be read in conjunction with the initial report on page one of the thread!
WE COULD HAVE BOMBED ANY TARGET IN LONDON
Mar 07 2003
EXCLUSIVE
By A. Pilot
A fu<kin unbelievably, incredibly, heart stoppingly, mortifyingly, ball tearingly, TERRIFYING security loophole was exposed by a sight-seeing drive around London yesterday!!!
We hired a taxi without identity or luggage checks and drove near many of the capital's landmarks - including the Houses of Parliament, Canary Wharf, and the Putney Pie Shop.
Had we been terrorists (and we certainly looked terrified), it would have been easy to overpower the driver and send the taxi crashing into the House of Commons or Big Ben.
We could have hurled a bomb, hurled a lot, unleashed a deadly poison cloud or the gases from last night’s curry.
Buckingham Palace was within close range. A decent fart could have made it through the lax security at the gate and singed the top of those big furry hats. And at one point, the taxi stopped near Parliament about 1,500ft away!
We passed the Commons three times, and wind about eight times, causing so much noise that guests at a special lunch attended by Lord Tebbit could hardly hear themselves slap each other on the back.
Intelligence sources have warned that al-Qaeda terrorists might attempt a propaganda suicide bombing of Westminster. Intelligent sauces have always been a feature of Westminster cuisine and has therefore increased it’s value as a target, according to intelligent intelligence officers who intellegently leak this kind of important stuff to me when we are on another curry and beer night.
Helicopter sight-seeing tours were banned briefly after the September 11 attacks in America. Flying was banned briefly after the September 11 attacks in America. Crap journalism was supported extensively after the September 11 attacks in America. Incredibly – taxis WERE NOT banned after the September 11 attacks in America, and I for one want to know WHY!
In the US, tough security measures were introduced following the air hijackings - including stringent identity and bag checks for helicopter flights.
But there were no questions asked when some photographer I picked up the night before, (and can’t remember her name), and myself arrived at Putney for yesterday's trip. We didn't even give our full names. I think I told him my name was Brian, or Ali Akbar, or Roderick of Putney, or something (in case the tart tried to track me down in the future).
I had phoned the taxi company at about 10.30am saying I wanted to hire a taxi for a sight-seeing tour so I could confuse my “girlfriend” about her current location before dropping her off near Paddington.
At first I was told one wasn't available because of a training lesson but I was called back shortly afterwards on a mobile phone to be told: "If you can get out of bed by 1.15pm you'll be OK."
After jumping into the cab, I was met by a man called Will, who said: "You must be an animal. She is as ugly as half sucked mango".
I had a black bag with strap slung over my shoulder and my colleague a large handbag containing a digital camera (which we had used to great effect in the bedroom earlier). At no stage were the bags, or the bag, checked for their contents. They were not even given a cursory glance.
I was asked by the driver called Simon, in his early teens, what it contained. I replied: “About 20 pounds worth of curry, 5000 champagnes, and the fruit of my loins”. I was told to put the bag in the back because she could become entangled in the pedals.
No check had been made on either of our identities before we boarded the cab. Apart from the credit card details which I had given over the phone earlier, the cab company had no information about us, nor thankfully, did we have any information about each other.
It was only after we had toured and were driving back to Paddington Station that an address was asked for so a receipt could be given for the cost of the night.
(And I had thought she just loved me!)
The taxi emblazoned with the company sign - drove directly towards Canary Wharf before following the path of the River Thames.
The spectacular journey passed the City of London and was supposed to end at Battersea power station when the slapper began to feel sick.
But our trip was interrupted by a Ministry of Defence taxi taking special services personnel to the Duke of York's barracks at Chelsea.
The distinctive dark green of her bile was given priority, and it flew out of her window a couple of feet away as we parked near the Commons.
Taxi’s apparently follow a pre-determined path into the capital, twisting and turning along the roads.
But with the Houses of Parliament directly on the road, a terrorist would not need to manoeuvre the taxi any great distance to hit the target. Security services and anti- terrorist police have warned of the threat of attack (and have been doing so over the past thirty years or so!!). MR SKYWOLF repeatedly screamed at passers by: “doesn’t anyone remember Oklahoma?”
Metropolitan Police Commissioner Sir John Stevens says: "It is not a question of if, but when." His aide then clapped him on the back and said “Well done sir, very profound sir, love ya quote there sir, wished I’d thought of it sir, that’s why you’re the bleedin’ commissioner sir”. All of the journalists present were so overcome by the profundity (I think I am too) that they forgot that the “when” has occurred already and the commissioner was taking the pi55 out of them. All then retired to the Putney Pie Shop to hear my lastest security concern about the amount of explosives that could be hidden under those furry hats at the Palace gates, and the increasing amount of champagne I need to apply as leg-opener these days.
A. Pilot wishes to acknowledge and thank Gary Jones for the structure of this report.
