OK, the good man said I could !!
This is one Word doc out of about 20!
What's the difference between God and pilots? God doesn't think he's a pilot.
Then there's the pilot who dies and goes to heaven; while waiting to check in he notices a large twin coming in high-and-hot to a nearby landing strip. The twin pilot blows the landing, collapses the nose gear and strikes the props; he gets out of the plane and walks away. Fifteen minutes later, same scene: another twin, another blown landing, same guy gets out of the wrecked plane. The fellow waiting to check in to heaven is amazed, he turns to St. Peter and says "what's the story with the twin pilot over there?" "Oh, that's just God" says St. Peter, "he thinks he's a surgeon."
A husband suspects his wife is having an affair with a pilot but she keeps denying it until finally the husband just knew when his wife said: Honey, I've told you once, I've told you twice, I've told you niner thousand times, negative on the affair ...
Santa Claus, upon trudging out to his sleigh for his annual night freight trip around the world, was surprised to find a guy with a shotgun standing next to his rig. Santa asked him why he was there. The man replied, "I'm from the FAA, and this is an unscheduled 135 inspection. I'll ride right seat." Santa responded, "With all due respects, sir, I've been doing this flight for over 700 years but if you insist, well, let's go." As they both climbed into the sleigh, Santa noticed that the FAA inspector brought his shotgun along with him, placing it in his lap, with his finger on the trigger. Santa queried, "What's the shotgun for?" To which the FAA inspector grumbled, "You're going to lose two on takeoff..."
A student was having difficulty with his landings. Seems like he would bounce it in every time. However, on the first night lesson, the student greased in all of his landings. Puzzled, the instructor asked, "How are you doing that? You have so much trouble during the day?" The student replied, "It's easy, I continue the approach until you stiffen up, then I just pull back."
On my first solo cross country, I was flying north through the San Fernando valley and trying to keep track of traffic callouts. Apparently there was a controller with a similar problem. He had managed to confuse a commercial jet on approach to Burbank with a private plane that was transitioning south across the valley. For a period of about 90 seconds he was calling out instructions to them that weren't quite what they wanted ... and finally the commercial jet pilot enquired as to where he was being sent. There was a brief exchange about intentions, followed by an "oops" and 30 seconds of silence. The next voice I heard on that frequency said: "Attention all aircraft. Previous controller no longer a factor.
The 33 Greatest Lies in Aviation
1. I'm from the FAA and I'm here to help you.
2. Me? I've never busted minimums.
3. We will be on time, maybe even early
4. Pardon me, ma'am, I seem to have lost my jet keys.
5. have no interest in flying for the airlines.
6. I fixed it right the first time, it must have failed for other reasons.
7. All that turbulence spoiled my landing.
8. I'm a member of the mile high club.
9. I only need glasses for reading.
10. I broke out right at minimums.
11. The weather is gonna be alright; it's clearing to VFR.
12. Don't worry about the weight and balance it'll fly.
13. If we get a little lower I think we'll see the lights.
14. I'm 22, got 6000 hours, a four year degree and 3000 hours in a Lear.
15. We shipped the part yesterday.
16. I'd love to have a woman co-pilot.
17. All you have to do is follow the book.
18. This plane outperforms the book by 20 percent.
19. We in aviation are overpaid, underworked and well respected.
20. Oh sure, no problem, I've got over 2000 hours in that aircraft.
21. I have 5000 hours total time, 3200 are actual instrument.
22. No need to look that up, I've got it all memorized.
23. Sure I can fly it it has wings, doesn't it?
24. We'll be home by lunchtime.
25. Your plane will be ready by 2 o'clock.
26. I'm always glad to see the FAA.
27. We fly every day we don't need recurrent training.
28. It just came out of annual how could anything be wrong?
29. I thought YOU took care of that.
30. I've got the field in sight.
31. I've got the traffic in sight.
32. Of course I know where we are.
33. I'm SURE the gear was down.
EXCERPT FROM RECENT FAA ACCIDENT REPORT EYEWITNESS STATEMENT AIRCRAFT: CESSNA 172 PILOT: 30 YRS OLD, CFI, IR FATALITIES: None DAMAGE: Substantial DATE OF ACCIDENT: July 10 1982 WITNESS: Line attendant at *** airport Pilot came to airport at 9 AM 10 Jul 1982. Line boy reports padlock on his hangar door was so rusted he had to break it off with a 10# ball-peen hammer. Also had to inflate all 3 tires and scrap pigeon droppings off wind- screen. After several attempts to drain fuel strainers pilot finally got what looked like fuel out of the wings sumps. Couldn't get the oil dipstick out of the engine but said it was okay last time he looked. Engine started okay, ran rough for about 1/2 minute. Then died. Then battery would not turn prop. Used battery cart and although starter was smoking real good, it finally started and the prop wash blew the smoke away. Line boy offered to fuel airplane up but pilot said he was late for an appointment at a nearby airport. Said it wasn't far. Taxied about 1/2 way out to active runway and the engine stopped. Pushed it back to the fuel pumps and bought 3 gallons for the left wing tank. Started it again. This time, he was almost out to the runway when it quit again. Put a little rock under nose wheel; hand propped it; and was seen still trying to climb in the airplane as it went across the runway. Finally got in it; blew out the right tire trying to stop before the cement plant. When he taxied back in to have the tire changed, he also had the line boy hit the right wing with 3 gallons of gas. Witness, who saw the take- off, said the aircraft lined up and took off to the north. Takeoff looked fairly normal nose came up about 300 ft down the runway. At midfield nose came down. Engine coughed twice then cut power and applied the brakes which made both doors fly open and a big fat brown book fell out on the runway and released probably a million little white pages with diagrams on them. Looked like sort of a snow storm. After several real loud runups at the end, he turned her around and took off in the other direction going south into the wind. Only this time he horsed her off at the end and pulled her up real steep like one of them jet fighter planes to about 300 ftthen the engine quit! Did a sort of a slow turn back toward the airport kinda like that Art School guy and about 30 ft off the McDonald's cafe she started roaring again. He did sort of a high speed pass down the runway; put the flaps down to full and that sucker went up like he was going to do an Immelman! The engine quit again and he turned right and I thought he was coming right through the front window of the F.B.O.; but he pulled her up, went through the TV antenna and the little rooster with the NSE&W things over the building then bounced the main wheels off the roof of 3 different cars in the lota Porsche, a Mercedes and Dr. Brown's new El Dorado. When he bounced off the El Dorado the engine roared to life and he got her flying. Came around toward the runway and set her down once on the overrun, once on the runway and once in the grass beside the runway. He taxied into the ramp, shut her down and ordered 3 more gallons of gas. Said it was for safety's sake. Then he asked where the phone booth was as he had to call his student and tell him he was going to be a little bit late.
Heard in the Bay Area yesterday: BB: "Barnburner 123, Request 8300 feet." Bay Approach: "Barnburner 123, say reason for requested altitude." BB: "Because the last 2 times I've been at 8500, I've nearly been run over by some bozo at 8500 feet going the wrong way!" Bay: "That's a good reason. 8300 approved."
This story is TRUE: told by the pilot and confirmed by ATC. Southend ATC: National 676 - Cleared for takeoff; report passing 2000ft. NAA676: Cleared for takeoff; call you passing 2000. NAA676: Southend 676 is passing 2000, climbing Southend ATC: 676 call London 128.6 NAA676: To London 128.6 - see you on the way home. (in the process of changing freq. 676 loses the door - yes the DOOR on a BE90) NAA676: Mayday, Mayday, Mayday London Control this is National 676, 4 miles west of Southend, 2500 ft - I've lost the door and am returning climbing to 4000 ft and returning to Southend. London ATC: NAA 676, roger. Are you in control of the Aircraft ? NAA676: No more than usual !!!!
My favorite ATC story involves an old-timer who would get rather excited when it got busy. It seemed as if he would think up zingers at home and use 'em at some convenient moment. Anyway, he's working USA553 westbound and is about to turn him over to Cleveland... Controller: USA353 (sic) contact Cleveland Center 135.6. Controller: USA353 contact Cleveland Center 135.6! Controller: USA353 you're just like my wife you never listen! Pilot: Center, this is USA553, maybe if you called her by the right name you'd get a better response!
ATC: "N123YZ, say altitude." N123YZ: "ALTITUDE!" ATC: "N123YZ, say airspeed." N123YZ: "AIRSPEED!" ATC: "N123YZ, say cancel IFR." N123YZ: "Eight thousand feet, one hundred fifty knots indicated."
Anyway, I heard these two on the air this week: (Scene 1: it's night over Las Vegas, information hotel is current and Mooney 33W is unfamiliar and talking to approach control) Approach: 33W confirm you have hotel. 33W: Uhhhmm, we're flying into McCarren International. Uhhhmm, we don't have a hotel room yet. approach control was laughing too hard to respond. The next several calls went like this: Approach: United 5, descend to FL220. United 5: United 5 down to FL220; we don't have a hotel room either.
"This is McCarren International departure information Delta. 2100 zulu, [weather, approach information, notams, etc., etc.] Arriving aircraft contact approach at 118... [silence] You lousy machine, why do you always do this to me?"
What's the difference between American pilots and Iraqi pilots? American pilots break ground and fly into the wind.
A couple of TAC pilots were flying F-102's in escort with a B-36 bomber and were chinning with the pilot of the bomber to pass the time. Talk fell to the subject of the relative merits of their respective aircraft with the fighter pilots holding that their planes made for more interesting flying because of the manueverability, acceleration and the like. The B-36 pilot replied "Yeh? Well this old girl can do a few tricks you guys can't even touch." Naturally, he was challenged to demonstrate. "Watch," he tells them. After several minutes the bomber pilot returns to the air and says, "There! How was that?" Not having seen anything, the fighter pilots say, "What are talking about?" Reply, "Well, I went for a little stroll, got a cup of coffee and went downstairs for a chat with the navigator."
Heard last weekend at Palo Alto while I was inbound from Leslie Salt: PAO Twr: "Mooney 23D, traffic is a Cherokee just entering downwind from the left 45." Mooney 23D: "Uhhh, tower, 23D...only traffic I see is a Cessna." Pause... PAO Twr: "Mooney 23D, follow your traffic directly ahead, an, um, inverted Cherokee just abeam the numbers."
Leaving Palo Alto on Friday. A Citabria had just landed: PAO: 85 Uniform, Taxi to position and hold. Me: Position and hold, 85 Uniform. Citabria: Umm, Tower, there's a dead seagull on the right side of the runway near the windsock. PAO: Roger. 85 Uniform, cleared for takeoff. Watch for a dead seagull on the right side of the runway. Me: 85 Uniform, Dead seagull traffic in sight. A little later, the Citabria was downwind when I heard: PAO: Citabria 123, cleared to land 30. Caution - there's a buzzard trying to eat the seagull on the runway.
Extracted from the UK CAA GASIL (general aviation safety info leaflet) Dec 1991. Lady Radar Controller: "Can I turn you on at 7 miles?" Airline Captain: "Madam, you can try."
Pilot: "Golf Juliet Whiskey, request instructions for takeoff" Persons unknown: "Open the throttle smoothly, check temperatures and pressures rising, keep the aircraft straight using ....."
Student pilot (who forgot to ask for surface wind) "Please pass wind"
Lost student pilot: "Unknown airport with Cessna 150 circling overhead, identify yourself"
Tower: "Alpha Charlie, climb to 4000 ft for noise abatement" AC: "How can I possibly be creating excess noise at 2000 ft?" Tower: "At 4000 ft you will miss the twin coming at you at 2000 ft, and that is bound to avoid one hell of a racket".
I went out to do some touch and goes today, and the ATIS ended with a slight twist...... "...altimeter 29.93. VFR departures advise ground control of destination and altitude and you play golf." Coincidentally, I called up right behind a KC-10 that was getting ready to go. The exchange was; "Wilmington ground, Cessna 54360 at ISO (the FBO ramp) with about a 14 handicap, request tee time for the pattern." [delay.....squelch breaks with laughter.......] "Cessna 360 taxi to runway 24 behind the 10 iron, number 2 for takeoff, he's a scratch golfer." Seems that the controller (a trainee) wasn't privy to the ATIS tagline, and his supervisor got a BIG kick out of all this.
The Northrop Corporation has taken legal action to prevent a Texas company from marketing a new product Northrop says might be confused with its B-2 Stealth bomber. The product: Stealth Condoms. The slogan? They'll never see you coming. Stealth condoms come in packages shaped like the bomber. They are $5 for a package of three; one red, one white, one blue. Also there's the matter of [the owner's] voice mail message, "Howdy, this is John. Me and the rest of the Stealth test pilots are out right now . . ." [The owner] says he will fight to keep his company and name. He feels he's got the better product: "We offer a heck of a lot more protection than the Stealth bomber, at a lot less cost."
Sue and Bob, a pair of tightwads, lived in the midwest, and had been married years. Bob had always wanted to go flying. The desire deepened each time a barnstormer flew into town to offer rides. Bob would ask, and Sue would say, "No way, ten dollars is ten dollars." The years went by, and Bob figured he didn't have much longer, so he got Sue out to the show, explaining, it's free to watch, let's at least watch. And once he got there the feeling become real strong. Sue and Bob started an argument. The Pilot, between flights, overheard, listened to their problem, and said, "I'll tell you what, I'll take you guys up flying, and if you don't say a word the ride is on me, but if one of you makes one sound, you pay ten dollars." So off they flew. The Pilot doing as many rolls and dives as he could. Heading to the ground as fast as the plane could go, and pulling out of the dive at just the very last second. Not a word. Finally he admitted defeat and went back the field. "I'm surprised, why didn't you say anything?" "Well I almost said something when Sue fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars!"
I heard this from my brother, who is a Search and Rescue pilot at Canadian Forces Base Bagotville, Quebec. It's an apocryphal story that allegedly happened late one night during bad weather, as heard over the tower radio: Helicopter Pilot: "Roger, I'm holding at 3000 over beacon". Second voice: "NO! You can't be doing that! _I'm_ holding at 3000 over that beacon!" (brief pause, then first voice again): "You idiot, you're my co-pilot."
A pilot was flying in his C-205 with his two sons, ages 4 and 6, over the mountains of Tennessee, bucking a strong headwind. He looked in the back and noticed the boys looking down in the valley below, where a train was also heading northwest, and they were barely gaining on it. Nothing was said.
Four months later, the younger son, Brian, was called to kindergarten roundup, where the officious school psychologist was conducting evaluations. When Brian's turn came, the shrink said: "Brian, what color is an apple?" Brian replied: "Are you talking about the inside or the outside of the apple?" Perplexed, the shrink went on: "Well, Brian, which goes faster, a train or a plane?" Straight-faced, Brian replied: "Well, Doctor, it kind of depends on the headwinds."
A tower controller at a nameless airport in the southeast had a reputation for screwing up the most routine things... Me: xxxxx ground, Tiger 45210, South ramp, taxi, VFR to Charlotte 5500'. Gnd: Tiger 210 taxi.. wind... upon departure... standby for squawk. [we taxi about 20 feet] Gnd: 210, say altitude. Me: 210 is at 1048', climbing to 5500' Gnd: 210! [starting to sound annoyed] ...uh... [sounding less annoyed] ...roger.
A C-141 transport aircraft was preparing for departure from a base in Thule, Greenland. They had been waiting for the truck to arrive to pump out the aircraft's sewage holding tank. The Aircraft Commander was in a hurry, the truck was late in arriving, and the airman performing the job was extremely slow in getting the tank pumped out. The Aircraft Commander berated the Airman for his slowness and was threatening a range of punishments. The airman responded, "Sir, I have no stripes, it is 20 below zero, I am stationed in Thule, Greenland, and I am pumping **** out of airplanes. Exactly how were you planning on punishing me?"
During taxi, the crew of a US Air departure flight to Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. The irate ground controller (a female) lashed out at the US Air crew screaming, "US Air 2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right on "Charlie" taxi way; you turned right on "Delta." Stop right there. I know it's difficult to tell the difference between C's and D's but get it right."
Continuing her lashing to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically, "God, you've screwed everything up; it'll take forever to sort this out. You stay right there and don't move until I tell you to. You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about a half hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you. You got that, US Air 2771??".
The humbled crew responded: "Yes Ma'am". Naturally, the "ground control" frequency went terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air flight 2771. No one wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her current state. Tension in every cockpit at LGA was running high. Shortly after the controller finished her admonishment of the U.S. Air crew, an unknown male pilot broke the silence and asked, "Wasn't I married to you once?"
A DC-10 had an exceedingly long roll out after landing with his approach speed just a little too high. San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end, if able. If not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off of Highway 101 and make a right at the light to return to the airport.
It was a really nice day, right about dusk, and a Piper Malibu was being vectored into a long line of airliners in order to land at Kansas City.
KC Approach: "Malibu three-two-Charlie, you're following a 727, one o'clock and three miles."
Three-two-Charlie: "We've got him. We'll follow him."
KC Approach: "Delta 105, your traffic to follow is a Malibu, eleven o'clock and three miles. Do you have that traffic?"
Delta 105 (long pause and then in a thick southern drawl):
"Well... I've got something down there. Can't quite tell if it's a Malibu or a Chevelle, though."
Unknown Aircraft: "I'm f...ing bored!".
Air Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!!"
Unknown Aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
Tower:" Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7."
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure ... by the way, after we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7; did you copy the report from Eastern?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff roger; and yes, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."
O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 Heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, 3 miles, eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got that Fokker in sight."
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a PanAm 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747 (call sign "Speedbird 206") after landing:
Speedbird 206: "Top of the morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active runway."
Ground: "Guten morgen! You will taxi to your gate!"
The big British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by a moment ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with some arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you never flown
to Frankfurt before?!?"
Speedbird 206 (cooly): "Yes, I have. Several times in 1944 in another type of Boeing...but I didn't stop."
I was a Pan Am 727 Flight Engineer waiting for start clearance in Munich, Germany. I was listening to the radio since I was the junior crew member. This was the conversation I overheard: (I don't recall call signs any longer):
Lufthansa: (In German) "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground: (In English) "If you want an answer you must speak English."
Luft: (In English) "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why
must I speak English?"
Beautiful English Accent: (before ground could answer) "Because you lost the bloody war!"
LH741: "Tower, give me a rough timecheck!"
Tower: "It's Tuesday, Sir."
Tower: Have you got enough fuel or not?
Pilot: Yes.
Tower: Yes what??
Pilot: Yes, SIR!
Pilot: "...Tower, please call me a fuel truck."
Tower: "Roger. You are a fuel truck."
Tower: "Phantom-Formation crossing controlzone without clearance, state your callsign !"
Pilot: "I'm not silly..."
Tower (in Stuttgart): "Lufthansa 5680, reduce to 170 knots."
Pilot: "This is here like Frankfurt. There is also only 210 and 170 knots...But we are flexible."
Tower: "We too. Reduce to 173 knots."
Pilot: "Ground, XY-line 195, requesting start-up."
Tower: "Sorry, XY-line 195, we don't have your flight plan. What is your destination ?"
Pilot: "To Leipzig, like every Monday."
Tower: "But today is Tuesday!"
Pilot: "WHAT? But Tuesday we are off !"
Tower: "Hawk 20, is this the same aircraft declaring emergency about two hours ago?"
Pilot: "Negative, Sir. It's only the same pilot."
Tower: "Lufthansa 893, number one, checkcar on the runway."
Pilot: "Roger. We'll check the car on the runway."
Tower: "Flamingo 019, do you have a "Springbock" in sight, twelve o'clock five miles crossing from left to right ?"
Pilot: "If you mean a 737...?"
Tower: "Yeah, you got it, you got it !"
Tower: "Delta Fox Alpha, hold position, Marshall will park you."
Pilot: "Roger. Looking out for John Wayne."
Munchen II Tower: "LH 8610 cleared for take-off."
Pilot (LH 8610): "But we are not even landed."
Tower: Yes, who is then standing at 26 south ?"
Pilot (LH 8801): "LH 8801."
Tower: "OK, then you are cleared for take-off."
Tower: You have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!
Pilot: Give us another hint, we have digital watches!
Tower: Mission 123, do you have problems?
Pilot: I think, I have lost my compass.
Tower: Judging the way you are flying, you lost the whole instrument panel!
Pilot: Good morning, Frankfurt ground, KLM 242 request start up and push back, please.
Tower: KLM 242 expect start up in two hours.
Pilot: Please confirm: two hours delay?
Tower: Affirmative.
Pilot: In that case, cancel the good morning!
Eggenfelden Info: D-EXXX pls. report persons aboard.
D-EXXX (C-172) : Pilot and two pax and one dog.
Eggenfelden Info (after Cessna finally bounced to stop):
Assume the Pilot in Command was the dog ?
Pilot: We've just sucked a seagull into one of our engines.
Tower: Which one?
Pilot: Dunno, you've seen one seagull, you've seen 'em all.
I over heard this while on ground control in MIA.
VIRGIN Flt: "Everytime I come to MIA you women contollers give us a hard time."
ATC: "For the nine years I have been a controller, I have never had a problem handling a VIRGIN."
A young and stupid pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies. So, this one time he was approaching a field during the night time.
Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said: "Guess who?"
The controller switched the field lights off and replied: "Guess where!"
Ground Control: "123DG, bear to the left, disabled aircraft on the right."
Pilot: "123DG, Roger, I have the disabled aircraft in sight, but I don’t see the bear yet."
A female pilot at Sydney's Bankstown airport was in a hurry to get airborne, she made the following request: "Bankstown Tower Cessna ABC requests an intersexual departure runway 29R."
Almost straight away ATC reply: "ABC, The full length is available."
ATC: Piper N 4444D, traffic at your 2 o'clock, 500 ft below you.
Piper N4444D: Well, we see a light coming towards us ...
ATC: Look again - there's probably a plane behind that light
Tower: "Airline XXX, it looks like one of your baggage doors is open."
Captain (after quickly scanning the FE panel): "Ah, thanks tower, but you must be looking at our APU door."
Tower: "Okay, Airline XXX, cleared for takeoff."
Captain: "Cleared for takeoff, Airline XXX."
Tower, during the takeoff roll: Airline XXX, ahh ... it appears that your APU is leaking luggage..."
While night flying near an international airport, there was almost total silence on the radio ... then ..... on approach frequency
Unknown voice: Daytona .....do you like scary movies
Controller: Who is this, who is this, get off my frequency!!!!!
OK, I guess you had to hear it, it was night and all dark and all scary though!
...pilots are seagulls - all they do is squawk and sh+t, and you have to throw rocks at them to get them to fly....
The similarity between pilots and seagulls: "They both fly, squack, sh!t and screw".
The difference between a pilot and a pig?
"Pigs do not hang around bars, trying to pick up pilots"
"Mummy mummy I’ve been raped by a pilot!"
"How do you know he was a pilot?"
"He had a small dick, a big watch and didnt stop talking about himself"
Little Billy and his Dad were down at the airport watching planes taking-off and landing. Little Billy looks up to his Dad and says, "Dad, when I grow up I want to be a Pilot." His Dad looks down at him and says, "You can't do both son."
Question from a co-pilot to the F/E
What is the the difference between a sheep and this 747.
Ans; The c..t on the sheep is on the back and the outside.