I put the article through Google translate and this is what it came up with:
Minions!
As you all know, following the appointment of another Board of Directors in November last year, led by H.E. Shaikh Khalid bin Abdulla Al Khalifa, Deputy Prime Minister, the Executive Corruption Committee and the Gulf Air management stooges have been creating another seemingly bizarre restructuring strategy that will take our airline on a path towards complete destruction and ensure a future economic drain on the money left in Bahrain.
I am now pleased to announce that the strategy has been finalised following a quick brain storming session in Costa last Thursday. We managed to finish before 11am, so we could all enjoy a fulsome weekend.
The strategy aims at weakening our national carrier’s core services by reducing our fleet and network, increasing losses, reducing revenue, ensuring cost increases, making up a new organisational structure (this will be complicated so we've postponed it) and re-engineering our internal processes to flummox our employees and put our airline into its final spiral dive as a national carrier. This will serve to line the pockets of the great and good while ensuring the customers and employees remain in a permanent state of confusion regarding the future. At least until we can take early retirement.
Below is the outline of the strategy;
A much reduced Network to lose more customers.
We will focus on our Middle East and North Africa (MENA) operations to ensure that our customers cannot connect to virtually anywhere. Consequently, we will reduce our operations from 40 to 32 destinations; however, we will continue to maintain our leadership position in the Middle East by operating the only "sinking dhow" of a company.
The reduction of the network will allow us to park much of our fleet and waste resources as efficiently as possible in MENA markets by moving away from transit traffic and concentrating on low-demand but high yield point-to-point routes to connect the few Bahraini businesses remaining with the few regional markets remaining. Somebody suggested that connections maketh the network carrier, so we fired them for being insubordinate.
A Simplified, Modern fleet
As we reduce our network, our fleet size also will be reduced to meet the almost non-existent network and flight schedule. We will be operating a small mix of wide and narrow body aircraft with one of the youngest fleets in the region (4.8 years), to match the average age of our new cadet second officers.
A wrong-sized Workforce
Our workforce requirement will be mostly fired, to meet the operational, maintenance and administrative needs of the decimated fleet and network. Wrong-sizing of workforce will be implemented across all levels of the organization and will be done on a random and scatter-gun basis weighed up against what the elected, but commercially daft, politicians are demanding. Priority will be on retaining the most productive employees with focus on maintaining key talent (hahahaha, gotcha! No it won't).
A Financially Weaker Airline
The restructuring plan will result in cost increases of 124% by the end of January. In addition, other strategic initiatives that have been plucked out of fresh air will further increase costs and screw the financial results in 2014 and beyond. Our Revenue per Available Seat Kilometre (ASK) will reduce 19% in February by firing most of the revenue management and sales staff, random frequency adjustments and lots of route cancellations.
We have also developed an employees’ portal at MyGulfAir that includes a rarely updated news feed, a ‘frequently asked question’ that will be possibly updated only once to clarify none of your queries and an interactive forum for you to shrug your cyber shoulders, discuss where to sleep at night and raise merry hell about the current shambles. The portal will be accessible to all staff from Thursday the 17 January 2013 at 2330 to Friday the 18 January 2013 at 0010. The employee portal link wont't be shared with you, if you guess it, well done, you get an extra day of redundancy payment.
Let us commit ourselves to the local psychiatric hospital as this strategy is doomed to failure and repeated banging of our heads against the pink walls will cause us further brain injuries.
Maher Salman Al Musallam
Acting Chief Executive Officer
Last edited by Calmcavok; 17th Jan 2013 at 03:18.