UN OBSERVERS REPORT FROM VERMONT!
A force of raccoons has infiltrated southern Vermont, report UN observers. "We are not doing nothing about this; we only observe. What you want from us anyway?" reported one UN observer. He went on to observe that, according to his observations, a dual-pronged, slow-moving, but relentless advance has seen the trees and streams of one quiet village in southern Vermont now occupied by masked intruders that operate by night, terrorizing residents by making sneak attacks upon their trash cans and even invading their Subarus.
"Yesterday," he told our team of reporters, "we had to dispatch a team of six observers to the local post office to observe a raccoon in the engine compartment of Jessica B.'s rusty Subaru Outback, the one with 'No Blood for Oil!!!' stickers plastered all over it. Having observed the invader, we closed the bonnet and slowly walked away. Mission Accomplished!"
Jessica B. was in hysterics, according to our reporter. Weeping, she said, "I feel that my personal space has been invaded! I only wanted to check why this little red light has been on, something about 'oil pressure,' but when I went to look, there it was! It was looking at my breasts! With its male gaze! Someone should do something! Now I need aromatherapy!"