Perhaps "Rules for SLF" should be printed on the tickets and displayed prominently at the gate.
1. Upon entering the aircraft say "Good morning/afternoon/evening (select as required), Can you indicate where my seat is please" DO NOT under any circumstances say ANYTHING else to the cabin crew. If the flight crew happen to look at you then immediately leave the aircraft and go straight to the nearest security officer and turn yourself in.
2. If you successfully make it to your seat then sit down, sit still and say nothing, if you must read then DO NOT read the safety card as it may be construed that you are 'casing the joint'. Probably the safest book to read is 'The Satanic Verses' by Salman Rushdie.
3. When offered a meal make sure to refuse the plastic cutlery and eat with your hands.
4. If offered a drink ensure that you ask for lots and lots to prove that you do not avoid alchohol for religious grounds and that being drunk you will be in no fit state to 'try anything'
5. If you have to rise from your seat to go to the toilet or to exercise to avoid DVT then activate the call bell and wait for the FA to come to your seat. WARNING! it is a grave offence to activate the call bell more than once even if the FA's totally ignore you. Sit with your legs crossed and they will eventually get to you. When they do come to you. Tell them you wish to rise from your seat and ask them if they can alert the skymarshall to the fact so that he can 'cover you' discretely.
We hope you enjoy your flight with ABC airlines and hope that next time you will take the train!!
Since when has flying ever been fun!!