This reminds me of the old tech support calls that became famous 10 years ago.
My favorites were:
The guy who used automotive lubricant on the inside of his computer because he wanted to make it faster.
The guy who sawed off the back of his MAC to get in new Ram.
Or the guy who insisted he would be refunded for his broken and smashed computer because it had caused him to get angry, so it was the computers malfunction that led to its demise.
And lastly, my personal favorite, the guy that threatened to come down and personally kill everyone at Microsoft for the rudeness of the tech guy on his tech support call to Apple.