Mike7777777,
Bar the first line, your post closely resembled a collection of Daily Flail headlines! Albeit slightly more demented than usual, but not by much.
Good lord Mike! How dare you criticise the Daily Outrage! I am the Editor of this prestige rag, reporter of truths, non exaggerator of facts, and non phone hacker of phones.
Just for that we are going to make up some stories about yourself. Whoops, sorry I meant meant write some human interest stories about you, an obviously deeply interesting character for our highly intelligent readers.
PS. Mike7777777, I do hope you realise all the above is a joke.