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Old 15th Dec 2011, 23:14
  #306 (permalink)  
500N
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Australia - South of where I'd like to be !
Age: 59
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Press Release


US State Department !

Released 2359 Z 15th Dec 2011

The Security Agencies of the United States of America strongly refute rumours that we have deployed any air delivered weapons against the Islamic Republic of Iran. There has clearly been no evidence of any such action despite speculation to the contrary, including significant earthquakes as reported by jamesdevice and Lyneham Lad, much to the annoyance of HTB who didn’t want to encourage SAM.

The US Gov't would also like to deny rumours that it has dropped any Big Blu's on Iran (or any other country for that matter), except for testing in Area 51, or was that Area 53.1 ?

Our intelligence agencies have been following certain organizations with regard to specific speculation and disclosure of privileged information, some of which has been traced to a small number of unstable individuals in the United Kingdom. We can assure our allies that steps are being taken to track down and eliminate these rogue elements, more often than not junior officers with visions of grandeur.

One aviation related website has been the subject of close scrutiny in recent weeks and we are close to identifying one key individual that will be apprehended, with the cooperation of our UK allies. It is safe to identify the PPRuNe espionage organisation, believed to harbour a particular, subversive and dangerous individual using the undercover codename SAMXXV. This agent is wanted in connection with our investigations. He or she is believed to be mentally unstable, unable or more likely unwilling to read other people’s writing, reportedly escaped from a secure facility and is a serious threat to the national security of the United States and the United Kingdom.

In addition, even though we acknowledge the power of PPRuNe forums as a centre of excellence by mostly ancient person's in Blasers and ties, with the odd mad person thrown in, the US Government runs State Department Policy and all military decisions, not some mad junior ops officer called SAM.

So, how to collect the payment from SAM ?

We were going to send a SAR cab over to collect the payment from SAM, however their seems to be some dispute as to whether the RN or Civvy SAR are actually capable of achieving the desired result of being able to hover in one place while the untrained winch man lowers the bucket. That’s if Tourist doesn’t nail you first ! We could always use [email protected], but not sure he’d get past the interview with SARowl on the interview panel. Can you imagine Crab and Tourist as Pilot and Co-Pilot ?

Alternatively, we could have sent over a DRONE, however their was some dispute over whether flying pay should be forthcoming. But then some US Government official blabbed too much at a press conference and a spotty faced teenager decided to hack into the DRONE and bring it down.
If only it had a pilot in it, oooopppss, forgot, just to keep Mach Two happy, it’s an "Unmanned Air Vehicle" or whatever acronym the drone people come up with every few weeks. Yep, it’s unmanned yet they still get flying pay and wear green overalls !

Thought of using a Typhoon but we then had a problem with the spare parts supply for the current Typhoons, the result being the majority of the fleet were grounded and what was left was on CAP over the UK.

That left us with possibly using our 3rd and 4th Gen aircraft, however regardless of what Tourist says, we were worried that all of our 3rd and 4th Gen aircraft might be susceptible to 1st gen bullets so decided to leave them in the hangar. At the suggestion of various posters, the RAF might be dropping Her Majesty’s finest beer kegs in the future, that is if they haven’t already been jettisoned by the likes of Bo Nalls, just another jocky and probably a few others over the sands of the Middle East. On the other hand, let’s hope it’s not jamesdevice piloting the FJ as we don’t think his bomb accuracy would be that good based on how he drops posts about beer in the wrong thread !

We didn’t have any 1st gen aircraft so alisoncc and Mach Two tried to find some Titanium ingots but to no avail, the result being that Mach Two started building a jet engine out of baked beans and beer cans. If only he had manufactured it using BRISTOL’s methods instead of Rolls Royce’s, he might have succeeded.

If only we had been quicker, we could have grabbed one of the Aussie F111’s before they were buried or even better, one of the Harriers. Although that is a bit of a bonkers idea, at least we would have had enough for a 4-ship formation. Sharkey Ward would approve.

Then one of the team was invited to an afternoon bash at the local big wigs house in his new village and asked the question about what he should wear and what he should take which distracted us all. This totally distracted the subversives on PPRuNe who were like a load of old ladies having a mother’s meeting, the answer(s) took many pages, which was superb comedy but distracted from the task at hand.

Then a few members PVR’d which left us short of pilots. Not to worry, plenty of snotty nosed junior pilots still wet behind the ears available according to SAM, even though they didn’t measure up to the experience criteria as laid in public for all to see, we’ll still give them a multi million dollar aircraft that is hard to fly and even harder to land. Sorry, forgot, it’s easy to land, just drop the wing tips onto roof of the chase cars and everything will be fine. Mmmmmm, that’s interesting, why is their a video showing multiple crashes, skids and U turns of U2’s on landing. The video must be a fake, SAM’s always right, even if he does get his dates mixed up and is 10 years behind the times.

Even so, for all those who have partaken in the whole event, their might even be a Queens Medal in it for you, that is if everyone can agree on the stuffed up criteria for who gets it.

So, in view of all of the above, AND to keep SAM happy, we will now be relieving one of the U2 chase cars from holding up the U2 wings on landing to drive and pick up the winning bet from SAM. In deference to past heroes and videos, we will be using the call sign “Green Leader” and the co pilot “Flaps 50”. Ksimboy, I know it’s the parachute that is supposed to flap in the wind, but you don’t need a parachute with flaps like the one's shown in THAT video.

I will be off for a few weeks to the very hot and very wet “Never Never” climes in Crocodile Dundee country of Northern Australia where we have found the best respite from the heat and humidity is copious amounts of G&T. Of course delivered by pulling the 4 levers on the overhead console of the Herc, if they are actually there. And if the US or Israel do drop Big Blu while I am away, I won’t know about it for a few days at least.

And for all those that have been partaking in some superb and funny discussions on PPRuNE over the last year, even if we couldn’t make a video like HMS Ocean, put on your Tin Foil hats to protect yourself from SAM and I hope you and your family have a very Merry Xmas and a Happy and Prosperous New Year from the odd one out on this forum being ex Green (SAM, please note, it is Green not Brown).

As you can see from the above, thank you for a year of fun and more importantly, for putting up with me

Last edited by 500N; 16th Dec 2011 at 08:01.
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