I have to say that I am glad that I have retired.
However, my reaction to the bloody-minded numpty used to be to be reasonably polite and just to get on with whatever fantastic idea he had about me smuggling something on board my own aeroplane that he had in mind that morning.
In all fairness, there really weren't many complete numptys. Most of the guys were either friendly or pretty civil.
My reward for putting up with their idiocies was the knowledge that I was soon to punch out of the top of the clouds into the sun and revel in that moment that reminded me why I had taken up aviation in the first place.
My enjoyment was enhanced enormously with the thought that said numpty was still down there surrounded by complete negativity for the next eight or twelve hours and with no future save to make a living at close to minimum wage, probably for the rest of his/her life.
However, there was one event that finally persuaded me that it was time to retire.
I was operating out of one of our London airports one night. I had a deadheading captain and first officer with me (in uniform) positioning on the jump seats.
I went through the whole business with my flight bag, suitcase etc and was reassembling my belongings after the usual pointless search when I saw my fellow (deadheading) captain about to go through the metal detector arch.
For a joke I said "Bloody Hell Geoff, have you told them about your pacemaker?"
Well, the sh*t hit the fan in spades.
"Stop!!!!" "
"You can't go through there!!!! You'll have to have a complete body search instead".
I didn't know whether to laugh or cry.
Anyway, I was well senior to Geoff so I decided to keep quiet and buy him a beer later.
When it was all over, I asked the numpties just how many captains they knew who had pacemakers and, if the knew any, would they be happy to get on an aeroplane with a pilot so equipped with their wives and families and go on their summer holiday.
The subtelty was still lost on them (2 males and 1 female).
To this day, I simply cannot believe that such people have so little intellect or that they cannot see any fun in life.
How sad.