Whilst perusing the Telegraph this morning over my kedgeree and earl grey, I was delighted to read that the Treasury have decided that war with Iraq will be too expensive. They have, therefore, asked Britain's Top Brass to go away and come back with something cheaper
In these times of struggle, both military and financial, I believe we, the foot soldiers and general underlings, should assist our masters by coming up with any savings we can that would help fund the war effort.
To that end, may I suggest the following:
1. Entire Tucano fleet to be melted down to make saucepans and fence railings. These could then be sold on to help fund the war effort. Tens, or even hundreds of pounds could be made in this way.
2. Ammunition supplies to be scaled down; personnel are to shout "bang, bang". This will, obviously, require an element of co-operation on the enemy's behalf - although I'm sure the government would never send us to war against someone who didn't haven't the common decency to help us out in these times of financial belt-tightening. Anyway, this worked perfectly well when I was in the CCF at school.
3. Excess capacity on Hercules schedules to be offered up to the public. This would require a bit of market research although there could well be a demand for expensive, slow, uncomfortable flights to the remotest parts of the Arabian desert.
4. All Tornado/Harrier/Jaguar aircraft to be placed into storage. This effective policy has been shown to reap huge dividends on the Apache project and there can be no reason why the brains behind that coup cannot set to work on the fast jet force.
5. Rather than issue expensive boots to everyone that only end up melting in the desert, personnel should be encouraged to bring their own footwear. There would need to be some guidance from above however common sense would dictate that a cheap flip-flop or light sandal would be ideal for the desert whereas perhaps a stout brogue would be more suitable for a temperate theatre.
6. Personnel to bring their own plasters and bandages. This will allow the pensioning off what’s left of the military medical establishment. Again, there would need to be some initial expert medical guidance in this area however broadly speaking, if one was “feeling lucky” then one could perhaps dispense with most items save a couple of plasters and some Autan mosquito cream.
7. Personnel to bring own sandwiches to war. These should be wrapped in cling film to help them last longer. A nice thermos of tea might also be a bit of a morale booster too.
8. Families of personnel killed or injured in combat could be billed for the laundering and repair of any clothing or equipment in their loved one’s possession at the time of his or her demise. This would encourage personnel to look after their equipment and to not get killed. Failing that, this would should be a tidy source of income for the treasury.
Any more ideas that could help keep Gordon Brown in office, sorry, strike that….
Any more ideas that will help Britain once again rise up and crush the evil foreign dervishes threatening to rape our women, spear our infants on pitchforks and commit other generally unseemly acts?
