Two true stories:
1) I landed my Puma at Holdfast Camp, Belize and was awaiting the arrival of the CO. I don't remember his name but he always said "Don't call me Major *****, call me Rocky".
Rocky had only been in theatre a couple of weeks. Whilst at Airport Camp, after his arrival on the VC10 and a few welcome drinks he had pronounced a morbid fear of snakes. He had announced that he intended to collect some "jungle specimens" so he could get over his fear.
Anyway, while we waited, at the back of the OM at Holdfast were a number of newly constructed wood and glass cages, all containing snakes, obviously very recently put there by "Rocky". As I used to look after our squadron mascot, a python, I was was well used to snakes so I went over to have a closer look. I decided to see if a three foot long Boa in one of them would allow me to handle it. I opened the lid and carefully put my hand in the cage. The snake immediately tensed up and recoiled into a strike position. I relaxed my hand and arm and waited there for it to calm down.
Just as I did so, "Rocky" appeared behind me shouting "Don't do that - I'm the only person who can handle that snake"!
He immediately put his hand right in front of mine, whereupon the snake took exception, struck hard and sunk its fangs right into him.
I can still see the look of horror on his face as he recoiled backwards with a snake impaled on his hand
2). We were flying the Grenadier Guards (who were the "Berlin" regiment at the time), during their annual exercise in Northern Germany. The exercise went on all week. On the final day, the "Mad Major" (a nickname given by his own men) briefed us about the final battle of the exercise. He wanted to stay behind until the last minute to watch his men depart. My final sortie was to fly him, so he could "leapfrog" ahead to observe "coup de grace" from close quarters.
No problem so far. He then said he would be actually
sitting in his "Land. Rover", which he wanted underslinging, so he could point the way!
I told him I couldn't allow that as it was unsafe.
His answer: "That's quite alright. I'll put my seatbelt on and wear goggles"!
I then respectfully pointed out three things. Firstly, from experience, that type of "Land. Rover" spun round and round in flight. He would get very dizzy. Secondly, pointing the way for us wasn't required and in any event we couldn't see him under the aircraft. Thirdly, in the event of a load malfunction or engine failure, the first thing I would do was to jettison the load. How his NCOs sniggered.
He drove.
