On the ABC this morning, the presenter was asking people to call/text/email in with birfdaay (sorry... birthday) wishes for Jools, as today is her big 5-oh.
He said he was unable to read out most, and a (vast) majority were anything but complimentary. (One of the more presentable was "Enjoy this birthday in the Lodge, Julia. It'll be your last.")
I thought something along the lines of (in my best Amanda Bishop/Julia voice):
"There will be no birfdaay presents at any party eye holde."