You've yelled at your F/O, telling him that if he doesn't get his act together, he'll be flying a prop around Somalia that is full of qat, get shot at on short final and have a captain who begins each flight by saying "this is my side, don't touch anything from..." Said F/O begins to use checklist and perfom walk arounds because he's already been there, done that and doesn't want to do it again. CRM is walking to the airplane together. The load controller laughs at you when you tell him you can only take 110 pax. He laughs at you and condescendingly reminds you that this is a 142 pax plane because you obviously can't count. Your newest F/O is an aviation guru, a veritable plethora of knowledge, and a top notch fighter pilot even though the Air Force of said Sub-Saharan African nation doesn't have any airplanes. F/O in question kicks off autopilot at 80 ft in VMC and calm winds and manages to initiate stall protection system and align a/c 45 off runway heading (80 God Damn ft.!!!). F/O is recommended by several training captains to be terminated but he is politically connected so alas, you gotta keep at it. Same F/O freezes in mid flare and refuses to relinquish control. No look karate chop initiated to take his black knuckles turned white off yolk. Another new F/O is recommended for upgrade by management as he has a whopping 200 hours in the plane, 200 hours jet and crashed the last reiteration of the national airlines plane. The inevitable crash that will occur after you leave will be blamed on you as you didn't train them properly.
Skype! WhatsApp! The airlines can't fill a Dash-8 but have ordered several brand new Boeings. The guy strutting across the ramp like a peacock with shoulders back and mirrored sunglasses, obviously more skilled and cooler than ANYONE has just gotten right seat on the Dash-8. The pax stole the F/A's cell phone and tried to use it in flight thus alerting her to the guilty party. Same pax steals life jacket, wears it around his neck and claims it's his. The French security agent at destination quietly stands on his neck until police arrive. Police try to steal life jacket. Really??? 100 liters of Jet-A spilled on ramp. Most runs back into the recess for the ground tank. Buckets are then used to scoop now greyish colored and gritty fuel back into underground fuel tank. Bottles of Johnny Walker from duty free are distributed monthly to ensure paychecks. You are two hours into a four hour flight. The bathroom has been used multiple times but the sink is still dry. A pax sees you coming from the flight deck to the bathroom, they jump up and get to the bathroom before you. Getting stared at. Engineer has Osama screen saver on mobile. Sorry if I've already posted some of these "observations" but I was too lazy to read previous posts. Take care guys and stay safe. We're all crazy btw
