Warrington Gazzette Online (late edition) 17 Sep
WARRINGTON: BRITAIN'S TREASURE HOUSE REVEALED
The Ministry of Defence has been inundated with compensation claims from Warrington residents, following an unprecedented overflight of the Town by two RAF fast jets. The claims reveal that, far from being a rather dull, uninspiring place, Warrington is, in fact, a cultural gem. A Warrington councillor, Norman Crump, has already dubbed the Town "The St.Petersburg of south Cheshire".
Residents of Corporation Street claim their chimney pots, which were "smashed by the RAF jets", were handcrafted by 18th century pottery king, Josiah Wedgwood. "They might look like ordinary chimney pots, but they are rare antiques and the MoD must be made to pay", said Corporation Street spokesperson, Robert Ratspit (73). But BBC Antiques Roadshow ceramics expert, Henry Sandon, has warned residents not to get their hopes up for bumper compensation claims. "They're a bunch of opportunistic, lying f*****s", said the avuncular Roadshow favourite.
Other Warrington residents are also claiming the jets damaged their valuable antiques and paintings. "Them jets shook the walls and my Monet fell straight into the fire. There weren't nothing I could do to save it. It's a tragedy", said Edith Busslethwaite, who only realised the fate of her painting after she had come round from a jet-induced coma. Doctors have described her condition as "avaricious".
It is not only art treasures that have been affected by the RAF jets. Local metal trader, Tom Cant (62), claims his horse, which bolted into the River Mersey near Chester Road, was a valuable Arabian thoroughbred. "It were a gift from that Aga Range bloke. I used to do odd jobs for him when he came up to Chester Races", said Mr Cant. Mr Cant's cousin, Will E Heckaslike, is also claiming compensation for the loss of a prize pigeon, which he says was eaten by his Whippet, Corset's Lad, when the dog was panicked by the RAF jets. "Not many people know it, but that pigeon was from the Sultan of Brunei's loft and made the ten tousand mile flight from Warrington's twin town of Bandar Seri Begawan", said Mr Heckaslike.
An MoD spokesman refused to comment on the claims, saying, "It is MoD policy never to comment, on anything."