To Yorkshire Tyke
Yorkshire Tyke asks me in a private message "Who MADE you take your first drink" as he presents the "self-inflicted" argument once again. The question was in a private message but I choose to put my answer out in the open.
The whole idea of "self-inflicted" deserves to be examined. It's possible that Yorkshire Tyke is asking an innocent and naive question; I have no way of knowing. But the general inference of that term has to do with blame and condemnation. It also usually hides a thinly disguised feeling of self-righteousness and superiority. And most of us love to feel superior.
It's easy for me to go to a casino, place a $5 bet, then walk away. For the life of me I cannot understand why a compuslive gambler just can't do the same. Doesn't he know...can't he see...??? Why is it so easy for me and so impossible for him?!
As I went through treatment and was engaged in the Twelve Step process, I learned that those Steps forced me into wider thinking; they were not narrowly confined to the issue of drinking - they applied to all of life. My views and my horizons broadened.
I'll pose a very real and likely scenario and you decide about this idea of "self-infliction":
As a child in grade school I began learning about good health. I learned about nutrition, a good diet that included fruits and vegetables, that sugar wasn't good for me, that saturated fats would clog my arteries, I should get 8 hours of sleep, and forego alcohol and tobacco. And those were only part of the requirements for a good, healthy life.
But I ignored those things and as decades passed I opted for pizza, fast foods, got along with 5 hours of sleep, smoked cigarettes, drank alcohol, and violated all the other tenets of a good lifestyle. I did those things because I LIKED them; I enjoyed them - in spite of what I knew about them. I KNEW as I did those things that they bode ill for me - but I did them ANYWAY. Because I never thought the bad things would happen to ME; those things always happened to others.
So, when I end up in the hospital sick, or as a fatality due to one of the three great killers in the US, cancer, heart attack, or stroke, how can one say the particular event was NOT "self-inflicted"? It's self-inflicted through deliberate choices I made over time. We just don't view it that way.
As an 18 or 20 year old I picked up my first glass of wine or liquor. I did NOT know where it would lead me. I had no way of knowing! After all, 90% of the public can drink normally and safely. Even if I possessed any specific knowledge at that young age, WHY would I ever think I'd be in the 10% who couldn't drink safely; that I would be an alcoholic?!
But we love to tell the alcoholic that their disease is self-inflicted. Why? What's the payoff for us when we do that? It's inside of us and I covered it earlier.
I've never seen anyone hold the hand of a loved one who was dying of lung cancer from smoking, look in their eyes, and say, "You know...this is all self-inflicted; you have no one to blame but yourself." Or say that to a loved one who was overweight, diabetic with all the associated problems, and on dialysis. These situations are far more deliberately self-inflicted than a person who thought they could drink safely, intended to drink safely, tried to drink safely, and years later discovered they could not drink safely.
We feel pity and sorrow for the cancer victim - and hate and disgust for the alcoholic. It's just the way it is.
So - if you feel that alcoholics deliberately self-inflict a disease upon themselves that eventually kills them and emotionally murders all those who have a loving attachment to them, then you're welcome to that.
And for any who are so misguided as to think they've had a near perfect and flawless journey through life, free of fault, error, bad choices, and misgivings - I can only suggest you may have set your standards far too low.
My alcoholism has given me empathy, understanding, and tolerance. I did not say I excused the alcoholic; I've just learned to distinguish between the acts and the actor with the disease.
When I deal with another alcoholic, I'm a steel fist in a velvet glove and I don't accept any nonsense. Either they get serious about getting well...or they find someone who'll co-sign their BS.
Blue skies,
Lyle Prouse