Had a call recently telling me that they had checked my computer and found many viruses which were causing it to run slowly and crash. Had I noticed the problem?
Yes I had, I agreed.
"Sir, we can fix it for you if you are sitting at your computer".
"OK go ahead"
"Sir, please will you hold down the second key from the left on the bottom row
and then press the R key."
"OK I've done that."
"Sir what has appeared on your screen?"
"Nothing."
"Sir please try again sir."
"Nothing."
"Sir are you pressing both keys at the same time?"
"No."
"Sir please try again but press both keys together. What is on the screen now?"
"Nothing."
"Sir what can you see on the screen?"
"I told you, nothing."
Pause
"Sir, is your computer switched on?"
"No."
"Oh, you must have it switched on."
"Well you didn't say that."
Had to put the phone down at this point to avoid wetting myself.