don't slip on gravy
Alright, al-RIGHT!!! Calm down everyone, it was me, okay?? I admit it. But before you all go off your rocking horses all over again, spitting and spluttering, let me at least explain...
It could've happened to anyone. I was in the lightie, on final, just like dog-style said, and I flew a 180 in the wrong direction, too. Here's how it happened:
I'm out in Singapore on a LO-OOONG layover and there's this buncha brand new fluff on the crew. Now, somehow I got outa hand (maybe it was during a moment commonly associated with gravy?? Thats NOT where the name comes from, BTW, I just happen to like it and I'm running outa good ones due to my numerous bannings) and next thing I'm promising this Professional Cabin Safety Service Professional a ride in "my" own aircraft back home. You know, we've all done it, right? It was the beer talking, not me.
She was just sober enough to remember when we got home and she held me to it. Sensing an opportunity, I agreed to do her a favour and take her up. I told her that since I'm a pro, the regs say she has to pay the hire or else it is cost-sharing. hehe...
So anyway, if you think the orbit was bad, you should've seen my take-off. Kinda got outa hand for a bit, I got billy-cart syndrome and started poking the wrong rudder pedals to straighten that beast up. We laid rubber, by the sounds of it, and headed for the queue of bug-smashers at the intersection of who-knows-what taxiways/tarmacs/runways, and, like the first F-16 test flight, airborne seemed the best place for gravy so I yanked... HARD. I heard a faint "Bonk!" as we passed over a low-wing something and I managed a weak grin at my triumph, and passenger.
Working in the backseat of the jumbo, I don't get much practice actually flying anything but I didn't remember it being THAT hard.
Well, naturally, I was too sh!t-scared to come back in a hurry. We tooled around all over the place for bloo.dy ages "checking out the sights." I kept thinking of other things to look at to put off coming back and landing. ATC were pulling their hair out so I finally turned the volume down and was able to relax a little. I eventually realised my laziness in not bothering to climb up and check the fuel tanks was coming back to bite me. I declared a beer emergency as taught by my first instructor a couple of years ago, better than mentioning fuel.
I summoned all my professionalism and began a 3-times profile at idle thrust just like we do in the sim (now and then) but the pox-ridden thing performed like a BBQ hotplate. No wonder I almost died. The fluff had no idea and thought everything was still cool. When I realised how low I was, I did the only sane thing and immediately flew an orbit. See and be Seen, I read my AICs... so you can imagine how cheesed off I was with that dog-doodoo dude when I saw him in my w/screen. Bloo.dy maniac nearly killed us all.
Later, I told the chick ATC had screwed up during a shift change and she went off to write to the editor and register her disgust. She was amazed with my coolness under pressure and promptly rewarded me again and again.
So what have we learnt from this?
1. When fluff is watching, NEVER let the situation get the better of you or turn back NO MATTER WHAT.
2. Never trust a student's version of a story.
3. 2nd Orficers DO have something professional to contribute.