"FAA, Oklahoma, how may I help you?"
"Hello, this is XXX. I have a few questions and I need a few waivers from the regulations."
"Okay, go ahead"
"Well, for starters I'm going to need a waiver for doing the 100-hour checks on the airframe of a private aircraft"
"No problem sir. You can apply a 5-hour extension yourself if that's what's needed, and we can give you a few hours more if required."
"Well, I'm going to need a little more than just a few hours"
"How much more, exactly"
"About 1500 hours, give or take"
"..."
"Textron Lycoming, how may I help you?"
"Hello, this is XXX. I have a few questions and I need a few waivers from your engine ops manual"
"Okay, go ahead"
"Well, in the ops manual it says that I need to check the compression on the engine, and change the spark plugs every 100 hours, but I'm not going to be able to do that. Also, the TBO is 1200 hours but I plan to run it to about 1500 hours with no on-condition checks in between."
"And how old is that engine now sir?"
"It's brand new. We just broke it in."
"And you're not going to check the gapping of the spark plugs, the compression on the cylinders, the magneto performance and a few other bits and pieces for how many hours?"
"1500 hours, give or take"
"..."
"US Air Force, how may I help you?"
"Hello, this is XXX. I need your advise on how to perform ground-to-air refueling."
"What?"
"Ground to Air refueling. You've done it before in the '60 somewhere as part of a record breaking flight."
"You mean air-to-air refueling. I'm sorry, that's all classified."
"No, I mean ground-to-air refueling. We want to fly slow and low over a runway, synching our speed to a fuel bowser and then refuel in-flight. And since you've done that before, we need your advice."
"..."
"Chevvron Aviation Fuels, how may I help you?"
"Hello, this is XXX. I'd like to buy some avgas, and I have a question. Do your fuel bowsers have the capability to do ground-to-air refueling?"
"What?"
"Flight Service Station Jacksonville, how may I help you?"
"Hello, I'm a private pilot requesting an outlook briefing for a private flight, starting tomorrow 10am, from Boise to Boise, in a Cessna 172."
"Okay, let me see. 10am. The weather looks good in the morning, a few clouds at 3500 feet, wind 5 knots from the South, visibility 6 miles or more. Nothing to worry about. In the afternoon you're going to get some cumulus development and the wind might pick up a bit but that's it. No relevant NOTAMs. Anything else?"
"How about the day after tomorrow"
"Well, you're going to have to call tomorrow. We only do outlook briefings for flights commencing tomorrow, not two days in advance"
"But that flight is going to commence tomorrow"
"What, you mean you're going to fly for 24 hours in a Cessna 172?"
"Actually, we're going to fly for 65 days, so if you can give me an outlook briefing for the next two months, that would be really appreciated."
"..."
"ICAO, how may I help you"
"Hello, this is XXX and I have a question on the ICAO flight plan form"
"Allright, go ahead"
"Well, in the flight plan I need to fill in the EET, but the field only has two places for the digits of the hour. I'm going to fly a bit longer than that, so I need space for a few more digits. But I also need to know if that number of digits can actually be handled in the various computers that will touch my flightplan."
"What do you mean. Are you going to fly for 100 hours or more?"
"Actually, we plan on about 1200 hours, so we need space for four digits instead of two."
"This is XXX"
"Hello, this is YYY from ZZZ airlines. We have received your applications for the position of first officer with our airline. We've looked at your records and we're not going to hire you because of logbook forgery."
"What do you mean."
"Well, according to your logbook you had xxx hours command experience on xxx, but all of a sudden, two months later, you had 750 hours more. That must be a forgery, so we're not interested in your application. Goodbye."
"Wait... I can explain."
"Sir, I just did the calculation. Two months is about 1500 hours, give or take. If during those two months you claim to have accumulated 750 hours command experience, that means you must have been flying for 12 hours each and every day. That's impossible. No hour builder has ever done that."
"Actually, me and my dad flew 24 hours a day, changing the PIC role every four hours."
"What?"