I need to vent! CV Rage!

[Mach E Avelli]

• Name, address, email and phone numbers - right at the top in bold type so my old eyes can easily find what I need if the rest tickles my fancy enough to want to contact you. But not such big font that it takes up a whole cover sheet because that shows an irresponsible disregard for our forests and for all you know I may be a rabid greenie. Ditto putting it all in a plastic folder - I may want the petroleum product for my old ute.
• Licence type and number, expiry date of instrument rating and medical - so I can tell whether you are instantly employable or whether one of us is going to spend money to get you up to scratch. Who spends that money will depend on how good the rest of you is.
• Significant endorsements e.g. if you have Metro or Dash 8 you don't have to also mention turbine or pressurization or retractable gear. Takes up space on the one page that I will read before deciding whether to bother with page two (and I never read page three, so heed the advice from others here about keeping it concise).
• Hours total and hours broken down by type and position - if you have only flown the TU-144 in Siberia as F/O, DO NOT WANK and say 'total jet' to give the impression that you have command time on it.
• Do not use the title 'Captain' as a title in the header - unless you are currently serving in the military and hold that rank. Even then it's a bit of a toss because I don't care if you are currently a Rear Admiral - the job on offer is for a F/O, charter pilot or whatever, not skipper of the Ark Royal. It's OK to say you are/were a captain on a significant (i.e. multi-crew) type if you are/were really appointed to the position.
• Anything you claim in your c.v. re types and employment history needs to gel with your logbooks - they WILL be scrutinised.
• Aviation employment AS A PILOT. I don't need to know that you were head barperson at the Hotel California in 1963. Exceptionally, if you were an aircraft engineer before you became a pilot, I will find it of interest because that shows technical aptitude. Describing periods of unemployment as 'aviation consultant' makes me wary, unless you can produce some accreditation. If you do claim to be an aviation consultant and you get invited for an interview, I will ask for samples of your work in that field. It better not be plagiarised.
• If a photo, please make it a standard passport pic and spare me the 4 gold bars, or the pose leaning against the Porsche with the blonde sitting on your face. Has 'ego' written all over it; the Porsche shows an impractical streak and the blonde will only make me insanely jealous.
• Brief covering letter outlining why you want the job and availability to commence employment.