I'd rather stay here in Karachi
This is a genuine e mail message from my missus, and I feel I ought to share it with you. The threat of mortar bombs, suicide bombers, nuclear war, anti aircraft missiles, mid air collisions, food poisioning and malaria are lost on a woman who can't get the lawn mower started.
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Right I'm F***ing pissed off with your lawnmower. I tried to get it going last night and almost succeeded first time then I ran out of steam. The same thing has just happened again and it's a glorious evening but I can't mow this b**tard lawn! Don't tell me to go get Alan or Mick to help because they're not in. It's a bank holiday and every one in the world but me is off enjoying themselves. If you're not going to be here for the rest of the summer then I'm going to buy a mower I can use. This is not open to negotiation. I am totally p***ed off with your super duper American heap of sh*t. I only hope I can get the b***ard going some time over the bank holiday, otherwise you'll come back to a jungle and if you're not back before the girls come round, I'll be even more p*ssy.
Your dog is a total w****r too. She killed the little blackbird fledgling I told you about. I felt like giving her a good kick up the a**e when I grabbed her with the little one in her mouth. She may not have many teeth but she scared the poor bird to death!
**** *** Windows Ltd has written us a letter and looks forward to receiving our cheque for the outstanding balance. He's basically written what he told you on the phone. He obviously knows better than the surveyor. He's rather sarcastic in one sentence. That's another total w***er for you.
Don't wrack your brains about the quiz clue I asked you to think about. The answer is The Lotus Eaters. I'm the only one who has worked out all the answers so I'm very popular at work. Maybe I should charge 10p for every answer I share with them.
I'm going now to simmer quietly and find something to kick in frustration. Don't forbid me to buy anything because I'll just go out and do it anyway.(Don't worry I won't use your money)
I'll type to you soon *****
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My reply ..........................
So what did toothless w****r poodle do? Suck the f***ing blackbird to death? That blackbird family has had coming to for a long time now. I told the dog before I left, any more sh*t from those little b***ards and the best way to get back at them is to kill one of their kids. Then they'll know not to mess with poodles. Make sure they know that any more trouble and another fledgeling gets it.
The reason you can't get the 'super duper American piece of sh*t' lawnmower started is because you are a girl. If you took the time to read the f***in manual you will see the statement. 'Not to be used by people unable to explain the offside rule.'
Women - know your limits.
The fact that **** *** is a w****r is not in doubt. He's got less chance of getting his outstanding balance than I have of getting a shag in Karachi.
I see from your subsequent e mail that you have bought a cheap and nasty flymo. I retrospectively forbid you to do this.
rant soon, ***** XXX
PS Risking my life for the freedom of civilisation tonight (another vital consignment of plastic cutlery and bog roll)